Partner in the army has gone quiet on exercise, how should I read it?

[BeLilacEagle]

I’m looking for advice on how to support my partner, he’s in the army and currently on exercise. He won’t return until the end of June and from the day he left has been almost silent. We’re long distance, but prior to him leaving he was texting saying how much he’d miss me and setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away. From the moment he took off he’s been completely different, he still has his phone currently though signal is occasionally dodgy and he’s mainly only active in the mornings and evenings, but he doesn’t contact me. Instead I get the occasional snap picture around twice a day and it’s normally just a random meaningless picture, I’ve asked him how he’s coping and he said ‘not well’. That was almost 3 days ago now and we’ve not spoken since, I’ve told him how proud of him I am and how excited I am to see him again and then our conversation ended with us both saying ‘love you goodnight’. We’ve only been together around 4ish months and I’m struggling honestly to understand if he’s struggling emotionally that’s why he’s not reaching out to me but he is active on his phone occasionally or if there’s something wrong within our relationship, the hardest part is the silence and not knowing, I’ve sent him a message last night telling him how the days without communication is taking its toll on me but he hasn’t replied yet, I’m so lost with what to do honestly. Mind you he’s in almost contact with his mum most days, that’s why it makes me so confused why he won’t reach out to me.

You are long distance every other weekend for four months..... he isn't your partner op and you aren't really comparable to his own mother.
If I were you I'd take a huge step back and not give him so much headspace.

I don’t think he sounds controlling at all, I mean your post saying he’s setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away**
describes a controlling person

Is it overthinking though? If he’s able to contact his mum surely he can send me a quick text, we speak everyday and see each other every second weekend, never had issues until now so obviously a sudden silence is a concern, especially seeing he is occasionally active.

So, you've been together 4 months and because you live several hours away from each other you have met every other weekend. That's 8 times that you've actually met then. 8.

Kindly, you don't really have a relationship yet. You chat online.

He's now busy doing his army exercises and won't be available to chat.

What do you normally do to occupy yourself? What did you do before 4 months ago?

I really suggest you just carry on as you were. Chat when he's available. Don't stress when he's not and just see how you both feel when he's back from exercise. This relationship has hardly started.

How does suggesting ways for your partner to cope with a long exercise without any comfort of their partner come across as controlling? I obviously have my own distractions he was simply saying ‘hey you’ve started running recently, why don’t you try get a better time for your 2k as something to take your mind off me being away’ it was as simple as that definitely not a negative thing

So, you've seen this man every other week for 4 months. Slept together, what, six or eight times? And you're put out that he isn't contacting you as much as his Mum when he's away for work and not having a great time?

You're being too much, wayyyyyyyyyyy too soon.

when we see each other it’s normally Friday to Monday so it may not sound like a lot but either way we’re in a relationship and i deserve communication when possible,

To much by asking for a bit of communication from my partner? No matter what i deserve a text to let me know he’s alive especially if he still has access to his phone

This is another of those three word usernames

He’s not your partner 😂 he’s someone you’ve met a few times and won’t see again for ages. You’re already not coping with his job, it’s not going to get any better.

I’d cut my losses and end the relationship before you waste any more of each other’s time, tbh.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, move on.

6-8 orgasms does not make this a committed, permanent relationship, no matter how nice they were.

ive met his whole family, he’s met mine, it’s not a little hookup either way I feel like I deserve respect our relationship has been great so far but not reaching out for 3 days is a bit strange to me.

A 4 month relationship based on every other weekend is not enough to be saying ‘love you’ with any authentic depth.

Or long enough to expect or assume total commitment to your relationship when he is preoccupied with army life.

His whole mindset and focus will be different. You ask how you can ‘support him’ but actually it is you wheedling for contact.

Focus on getting better at running rather than waiting for him to text. As he is having to focus on his army environment.

And see how things are when he returns.

Really? After 4 months long distance you've met each other's whole family?

Military wife here too. It’s normal not to hear from them, and honestly easier a lot of the time. Mine doesn’t do well with hearing things are going wrong at home cos he wants to fix them so we’ve always kept it light.

He’s only on exercise - you don’t need to be worrying about him “being alive”. Honestly, weird that.

I think some are being a little harsh on you though - it does take a bit of getting used to. And even on exercise they’re often not able to use phone/SIM card. And he might be knackered (though boredom is often more of an issue). But it took us some years to work out what worked for us - mainly he called only if our youngest needed to hear from him, and that worked for us.

Pretty much yeah, as I said when we see each other it’s normally for 3-4 days a time so naturally we’ve met each others families.

Yeah I get you, I guess it does take getting used to it’s more so the feeling of being ignored I’m struggling with but yeah you’re right it could be exhaustion I’m not sure.

1. He’s on exercise, give the bloke break!

2. His mum has been around way longer than you.

3. Get a life and stop overthinking this!

4. You’ve only been together a few months, he’s a boyfriend, not a partner.

5. HTH?

You're smothering him.

Chill out. It's been 4 months. Let him do his army thing and see what happens when he comes back from exercise. Being an military partner is tough. If you're high maintenance or highly strung it probably won't work out.

Do you both live at home? If not, it's not normal to meet the whole family of the guy you have been dating for a short time, nor is saying I love you really. Especially since you don't spend much time together.

We both live at home yes, apart from when he’s on the barracks

I don't think that's necessarily true. Lots of spouses miss their military partners when they're away. There is a lot of support and normalisation of the situation when you live on camp. It is much harder when you do not.

I also just think you get really used to it, and in a long term relationship you're not in that starry-eyed first dating glow that makes it more painful to miss someone.

OP - my husband has been deployed a number of times for 6+months. It is very hard when you don't live on camp. He did always stay very in touch though. I doubt your boyfriend is not able to get a signal or too busy all the time if he's just on exercise, there's something else going on there.

I would not really recommend a long-term relationship with someone in the military, it is extra hard once you have children in lots of ways. The absolute worst was 8 month deployment during covid, that was really miserable because covid was isolating for everyone.

It really is worth considering the long-term implications of having children with someone who can be deployed at very short notice for long periods, and also then return- that bit is actually hard too. It's a strange way to have a relationship and brings lots of extra friction and complications on top of all the ordinary ones people have. It is easier when everyone around you is in the same situation.

I don't think you should walk away because you're "not cut out for it", who exactly is supposed to be cut out for not giving a shit if their partner is there or not ? I know plenty of women who are in the forces who also have a serving spouce and still miss them. I do think you should think about how it feels to get the rug repeatedly pulled out from under you and everything turned on its head and the reality of what that might be when you have children.

There are not some magically resilient people who are completely suited to that by nature. It's a combination of adaption and lots of support living on the patch that makes it workable. Plenty of people find it hard.

You initially frame this question as asking how you can support him but your comments have made it clear that what you’re actually wanted is for him to support you more.

This isn’t like being away at a conference - he needs to have a completely focused mindset to be able to do what’s needed.

You seem to expect him to get in touch with you as if he’s just calling on his lunch break. Lots of soldiers need to switch off from their domestic lives when they’re away because it’s just too distracting emotionally. The fact you’re framing his silence as you being ignored or disrespected shows you have little understanding of what this is about. You’re not suited to army life.

And also, him calling his mum isn’t remotely comparable to calling his very new long-distance girlfriend of only four months. I cannot believe you think you should have equal status to his mother at this stage in your relationship - there’s absolutely no comparison!!

By your own admission, you’re looking for reassurance that your relationship is ok, that he isn’t ignoring you, etc - none of that is fair to him. Those are conversations to have when he’s home.

Not everyone is suited to being a military partner and I really don’t think you are tbh.

So my old lodger had a very similar situation with her then new boyfriend (now husband) at the start. She waited till he’d got home and then told him it’s just not acceptable to ignore her for days when he’s away he needs to message her regularly so that she knows he’s ok and they can stay connected. He listened and improved and all worked out well. If he doesn’t listen and improve then he doesn’t care and you’ll waste your life.