Partner in the army has gone quiet on exercise, how should I read it?

[BeLilacEagle]

I’m looking for advice on how to support my partner, he’s in the army and currently on exercise. He won’t return until the end of June and from the day he left has been almost silent. We’re long distance, but prior to him leaving he was texting saying how much he’d miss me and setting me goals and tasks to achieve whilst he’s away. From the moment he took off he’s been completely different, he still has his phone currently though signal is occasionally dodgy and he’s mainly only active in the mornings and evenings, but he doesn’t contact me. Instead I get the occasional snap picture around twice a day and it’s normally just a random meaningless picture, I’ve asked him how he’s coping and he said ‘not well’. That was almost 3 days ago now and we’ve not spoken since, I’ve told him how proud of him I am and how excited I am to see him again and then our conversation ended with us both saying ‘love you goodnight’. We’ve only been together around 4ish months and I’m struggling honestly to understand if he’s struggling emotionally that’s why he’s not reaching out to me but he is active on his phone occasionally or if there’s something wrong within our relationship, the hardest part is the silence and not knowing, I’ve sent him a message last night telling him how the days without communication is taking its toll on me but he hasn’t replied yet, I’m so lost with what to do honestly. Mind you he’s in almost contact with his mum most days, that’s why it makes me so confused why he won’t reach out to me.

I disagree with this having lived with the military girlfriend, with communication they improved things. It’s easy enough to send one text a day to your girlfriend or a text saying they’re off the the jungle for a.l few days and can check in next week. Soldiers find time to get up to all sorts on their army bases, they are all constantly on dating apps on travel mode lining up dates for their return or acquiring pen pals - if he cares about sustaining a relationship he’ll text regularly.

I think it’s too early days to know. It could be he’s off in his own world now. It could be he genuinely can’t message very much. It could be he’s just not into you. You probably don’t know him (and the lifestyle) very well yet to be able to know which it is.

Has he explained why he’s gone quieter, has he apologised?

You're getting a hard time here. It's a bit of a theme for military relationships to move fast and feel intense quicker than usual. But that's usually because of all the communication when theyre away, calls, texts, video messages etc. Grabbing every opportunity to connect.

Regardless of whether hes on exercise, or in the barracks, I think your gut is telling you something and instincts might just be insecurities, youll find out either way when hes back.

OP I think you need to speak to a community who understands this lifestyle, MN is not the place. It’s been a while since I looked regularly but UKforceswags on fb used to be good (although as with all things the anon function does encourage some brutal responses, but at least they’ll be from people who can relate!!)

But he's not your partner, he's a new boyfriend at best.

Of course he'll be in contact more with his mother than his new girlfriend.

You're coming across as too needy, and that's a massive turnoff for most people. I suggest backing off and giving him some space. He'll get in touch if he wants to. If he doesn't, and you can't handle it, I suggest you letting this one go and finding someone who won't be long distance.

I’m going to be totally honest OP, he’s not your partner, you are not his partner. It’s been 4 months of long distance. You’re dating.

His mum is his mum, you are barely a girlfriend and definitely not a partner.

Thats military life unfortunately. They are working. Might be in an area with no signal . They can't just call at the drop of a hat. If you cant deal with that you probably need to end things

WTH?? OP, might I ask how old you are?

He doesn’t come across as controlling… you’d obviously sound like you want to make him sound like he’s controlling…
agree with pp you sound very needy

Personally if he's in daily contact with his mum I don't think it's expecting too much of him to just send a brief message to the OP every few days.

I’ve never once said or implied he’s controlling, I simply said as a positive thing before he left we discussed distractions that could be beneficial to make time pass quicker whilst he’s away and I’m not working when we’d usually be FaceTiming or spending time together I’m genuinely so confused how that’s been spun to him being controlling to be completely honest.

Been there, done that, got several T-shirts. He's more than likely in army-mode. Which he should be. Some are better at communicating than others. The best thing you can do is focus on your own life. If you anticipate staying with him for the long term, you'll have to get used to that and become more resilient. How many times have you messaged him? I would back off a bit and let him do the chasing. It'll make you seem less needy (which isn't attractive).

People are being harsh. My DH texts me and calls me all the time when he's away and he did when we were only dating too.

Obviously, everyone is different and that may not be his style, but I don't think the OP is automatically not suited to Army spouse/partner life. They just need to align their expectations more.

But not every soldier feels able to flip between home and away modes - several military partners have said exactly that on this thread.

It’s not about time; it’s about mindset. Some find it easier to put their romantic partners in a separate box because it’s too difficult emotionally to be communicating with them while away.

Certainly it’s not all but that’s something they need to discuss. Sending messages to him about how she is feeling sad, what she needs, and basically pressuring him for responses - plus the references to being disrespected etc - isn’t really fair on him. Also factor in that it’s only been three days since they last conversed. From the OP’s comments it feels as if she’s expecting him to be carrying on just as he was when he was at home.

I think if she’s going to fret about the relationship ending every time he goes quiet, this isn’t a relationship that’s going to be best suited to her needs. There’s absolutely no shame in that either.

I was a military wife for 28yrs, DH has now left the RAF, you have to get used to no communication and, tbh, it’s easier when they’re away that they’re not texting and ringing every 2 minutes. It gives you the chance to get into a routine, and do things for yourself without dwelling on the fact that he’s not there.

DS1 is now serving. When he was in the early days of his relationship with DDIL he probably text and rang me more than her while he was deployed/on exercise. I’ve been around for a lot longer, I knew how to buck him up when he was feeling low and I knew how hard he’d worked to get where he was so I knew what encouragement he needed and when. During one deployment he was really poorly, and ended up in hospital abroad, he’d only just started seeing DDIL, she didn’t want to hear about that, but he knew I’d listen.

You do need to toughen up if you want to be in this for the long term. There will be deployments where they have their phones taken away, or they can’t ring because of where they are. Being in the military isn’t like going away with a normal job so if you can’t hack that, it’s best to get out now.

I was an army wife for 18 years and only once was there blackout during exercise and that was for 1 day due to a parachuting incident. Exercise is not deployment and phone etc is usually pretty good. Highly unusual to have no contact at all. Even when he went to Africa twice there was good contact with only a few days where he was out. He was deployed in afghanistan and iran and that was less frequent but still about once a week. Even if he couldn't phone which is unlikely, he could email. My husband now is in the navy and he can contact me in the middle of oceans! Usually by mobile but by satellite phone if not. Again, rarely are there blackouts and never on exercise. OP yes he could contact you but choosing not to for some reason. You should ask him.

He's not a partner he's a boyfriend at best. Christ he's gonna be busy let him get on with it. How will you cope if he's deployed abroad

You must be able to see the difference between his mother and you, a woman he’s only been seeing a few months?! If he’s struggling emotionally it isn’t exactly a surprise that he’d withdraw a bit imo, he may well not be in a headspace to feel he can open up, perhaps to anyone but maybe just to you specifically and that isn’t a personal slight, it’s just that he needs some space, maybe, or he doesn’t know how to open up to you just yet etc. Space is key, I think.
It isn’t easy to be with someone in the military, which is why I am not (dim and distant past!), but I do believe a huge part of it is knowing that what they’re experiencing is basically alien to anyone who hasn’t been in the military and to take their lead in terms of contact, communication etc. Best of luck, I hope you can figure it all out.

Have you posted about him before?! At four months, he is a boyfriend not a partner (particularly considering the military aspect)

are you perhaps overstating the situation?

So since your first date, you've actually spent no more than about 24 days together in total?

Like I said, too much and too fast to be expecting him to prop you up emotionally by contacting you daily and complaining that he's ignoring you as though you're a pair of 15 year olds in the dining hall.

@BeLilacEagle do you work?

Just curious, asking all the military partners who have posted here, have you ever seen any similar posts on Mn discussing relationships with partners in the army? I find it interesting as lifestyle is so different however in 15 years on here I've never noticed these types of posts. Have others? It's just not something that comes up and I am curious I there is a reason or it.

I don’t think you’re cut out for a long distance relationship, let alone one with someone in the military. You’re being far too clingy and you need to stop overthinking it all.

Let him be. Don’t start sending clingy texts and wanting calls / messages every day. When he comes back, sit down face-to-face together and discuss what did / didn’t work and if there are any mutually agreeable changes you can make for next time. Like adults. Or walk away. If you’re like this already, it probably isn’t going to work and you’re going to drive yourself mad, quite possibly drive him away and most likely both.

This is barely a relationship or a partnership, you've just been on a few dates.
More crucially, he's busy! I'd imagine everything is very full on. If you want to continue this, OP, I think you have to realise that the army comes first. Obviously.

There’s a bit of mumsnet for it, I forget, something like “in the club”, and yeah there’s often been “my partner’s joining the army/navy/air force, what will life be like” posts. Is that what you mean? I’ve not looked at it in a long while (old codger here whose dh has been deploying for 20 odd years). We’ve never lived in station/base and my dh’s deployment pattern is atypical due to his role. Frequent and short. Sometimes short notice.