How did you react to DH/DP going on deployment?

[tiptop2]

Mine went to Afghanistan in January and I?m really starting to pull away whilst he?s gone. I can?t seem to help it. Sometimes I find myself desperate to have him back but then often I?ll think it?s all going wrong/we?re not meant to be. We were only going out for 5 months before he left so I?m feeling quite a bit of pressure.

Just wondering if anyone else felt like this and how did you cope?

I think you're perhaps half thinking he's deserted you (although you know he had no choice). If it's the start of a new relationship, it might be making you wonder if it's what you want etc.

However, imagine yourself seeing him for the first time when he gets home on R & R; if you get excited, then it's probably because you really care about him.

When you say you had only be going out for 5 months, that's actually a long time to get to know someone.

To cope better with him being away, do you send him stuff/mags/sweets etc and write blueys to him etc?

Thanks for replying vintage. He's actually based in an office there so we do actually get lots of contact, almost everyday via email. I thought that would be easier than limited contact (and i'm sure many would agree) but I feel it's a constant reminder that he's away and not with me. I know he had no choice and am proud of him for being out there. I just get overwhelmed by the commitment to keep strong/positive and I'm finding it extremely tough to do this, so my instant reaction is 'if i pull away, and forget about him, my life will be easier' but actually that's not really working either.

I am definitely looking forward to him coming back for R&R and know that we'll have fun together..I'm just dreading when he leaves and this all happens again!

It is hard but if you are a strong person, you will be able to endure the separation (even though it's not easy).

Last time DH was away (he was in HQ so comms were also good), I found that because I was so busy keeping myself and the kids busy, I didn't write to him as often as I should have. I didn't send him sweets or stuff and even now (2 yrs later) he still reminds me how mean I was!

For them, they are there to do their job and they are often working 19/20 hour days so it really is all-consuming.

You need to keep busy and the time will go quicker. (do you work?)

My DH went off operationally long before matrimony when I'd only known him for 6 weeks!

It was also in the days before e-mail when there were only blueys (and I still have a box of them). E-mail makes it much, much easier to keep in touch on a day to day basis, but you might want to think about writing blueys as well, and think of keeping the home fires burning. Try watching things like Foyles War, the Empty Child episodes of Dr Who, and channel that stoicism (sounds a bit daft, but you're joining a long tradition of strong women, and it's a way to remind yourself of that).

I've never made a chuff chart, but some people find it helps.

Are you on a patch?

Oh and unless he's a regt that deploys frequently, once he's back, it's likely that there'll be a good gap where he doesn't go away for a while.

My dh was away when I moved into our first home together, through most of my 2st pregnancy,for 6 months when DD was 1 and twice since having ds! It's so hard once you have children so for now, make the most of the freedom you have and the ability to be able to plan loads to do. (Sorry, I'm assuming you don't have children ).

They're not married MPSW so she won't be on a patch.

See what you mean - I think I must have over-interpreted the DH part of the title!

It's rather harder when you're not on a patch, as you don't get the automatic support. Tiptop2: you won't be a formal NOK, so will be in a slightly nebulous state in terms of accessing the formal welfare support at all. But how well do you know his mates, and their wives and girlfriends? It does help if you have someone in RL in the same boat who you can meet up with (even if they wouldn't necessarily be your choice of friends in ordinary times). Also, they can help if you need to wangle anything out of the system informally.

I do work, and am based in London so not on patch (I'm still very new to all the Army lingo). I think you're right that the lack of support for other Army wives/girlfriends isn?t helping. I have lots of lovely friends but they can?t offer the support/advice I want. His base isn?t in London so I haven?t really met his army friends/wives/girlfriends. Funnily enough, just writing it down on MN is making me feel a little better ? thank you! I?ve tried to keep myself as busy as possible but I?ve had a few issues with my family/my crazy puppy going through training?all of which is manageable but it would just be easier if he was around. And because he?s not, I feel like I?ve put this huge emotional wall up to protect myself..hence the feeling like I need to cut ties to make it easier.

good idea re getting stoic mpsw..I think i've tried to avoid anything forces related becuase it's another reminder but maybe that will actually help.

What's a chuff chart?

It's a calendar to tick off the days until return.

(Sometimes confounded by Crab Air!)

have just had to google to interpret that! My DP has warned me about this...

I have a calendar too..it's helping a little now it's less days to R&R than more..that certainly improves things

it's normal coping mechanism, honest.

things are harder for those not on a patch for whatever reason (not married or the spouses of reservists etc) - it's one of the old-fashioned reasons why people in the forces still get married - it makes housing and welfare easier lol.

there are a few web forums designed for spouses - i think there's one called wags or something (?) will try and find if it's still running...

at least you know what you are letting yourself in for if you do go on to get married etc - a bit of a litmus test!

I have a 'days2go' Excel program from www.chuffchart.com - it's currently standing at 90.2% complete (you put the deployment date and the return date in - you also get weeks, days, hours minutes and seconds to go) through a 7 month + deployment; so as you can imagine I'm going slowly and quietly insane with excitement...

Keep as busy as you can, communicate with your partner as often as you possibly can - tell him everything (stubbed my toe this morning, saw a lovely sunset, watched the rugby etc. etc.) - if your email connection allows, send funny links and news stories too. I think that keeps you closer as it mimics a normal, every day relationship. Remind him just how much you're missing him and how much you love him, go easy on the maudlin stuff and you won't go far wrong.

When we were just young boy-and-girlfriend and my OH was on his first deployment, we could only write letters and they took about three weeks to get there. No email, no SatPhone - you could wait six weeks for the answer to a question! We had to number our letters; they invariably came in bundles and you had to read them in order, of course. How I treasured those dog-eared photos that got looked at several times a day...

just downloaded is - mine is 29.8%

yes well I certainly know what I'm getting myself in for now..before he left I told my mother 'oh we'll be fine, we can chat quite a bit via email/phone and it's only a few months, i'm independent, lots of friends, i'll be fine'....

..how wrong I was.

Going back to your first post tiptop2 , do the feelings of wanting him back still far outweigh the feelings of self-doubt? It could be that self-torture that we all seem to put ourselves through sometimes; your brain is sort of testing your boudaries.

Don't think that you always have to be strong and always have to feel positive. Allow yourself to feel a bit sad and overwhelmed sometimes - it's a bit like a pressure valve. Treat yourself to a duvet day just once in a while; soppy film, choccy, whatever your favourite indulgence is.

If friends and family ask how you are, be honest if you're struggling a bit; you're in a situation that most people have never had to cope with. There will always be those who take the greatest pleasure in saying "well, you knew what you were letting yourself in for..." (usually somebody who has not had a day's separation in their life!). My stock answer to that is along the lines of: "Of course I did, but it doesn't make me miss him any less!"

Make sure you always keep up your own independent life and interests. My husband is RN and we don't live on a patch; you can get on ok without a support network, but something like this forum is worth its weight in gold!

TAT - some days it feels like i can't wait to have him back, some days there's big doubt as to whether this is what i want.Before he left, we had a weekend relationship which worked well. But I do remember being so happy on the weekends - relaxed and chilled and then during week when he wasn't here, I'd get anxious and full of self doubt. I remember telling myself that this might be what it will be like when he's gone but I'm struggling with it because he's now been gone for over 2 months. I'm hoping R&R will give us time to talk about these things..I haven't really felt that I can do at the moment given how busy he's working and the environment he's in.

I do try to show and tell people that I'm fine. Perhaps I should let my guard down a bit where that's concerned. I just fear if I let it down, I'll be a wreck!

It is actually really comforting to hear other stories. Thank you My friends in RL are lovely but don't have the most helpful comments (oh yes it must be hard, i hated it when my DP/DH went away for a few weeks on business...ggrrr!)

I used to watch the submarine sail, cry and then get on with my life for the next two months, as there was no contact at all apart from a couple of 20 word telegrams that I could send and that were censored before they were sent.

I'd stay up to midnight and cross another day off the calendar.

I'd have down days, but it was mostly a chance to watch what I wanted, have long baths, read a lot, eat what I liked and do overtime if I wanted and sleep right in the middle of the bed.

You learn to deal with it and it's great when they come back.

Wise words, scary - and positive too; you do get that chance to indulge yourself when they are not around (I've never been able to sleep in the middle of the bed, though!).

The toughest times for me were when the children were small (my OH managed to miss the birth of one and nearly missed the other); unless you have family nearby, it can be a long old slog with little respite. But we all get through it somehow.

tiptop2 I don't think you're at all unusual in feeling the way you do. After all, it's a strange way to conduct a relationship, isn't it? You're still in that 'first flush' stage at five months, I should think; the intensity of your feelings when you're together contrasts so starkly with the pain of being apart - a sort of 'bi-polar' emotional turmoil. I think you will get used to it - when you realise that he comes back and everything just slots into place.

And those are the very best bits - the homecomings. Each return is like a special little honeymoon, a rediscovery of your relationship. That's where we are so lucky - none of you friends will know quite how it feels to be reunited with the one you love after so long apart. It's bloody marvellous!

We've been married for 25 years this year and have spent the last 4.5 years actually living together in the same house! This is the longest we have ever lived together in those 25 years and I was scared it wasn't going to work, but it has.

Dh missed ds's birth - somewhere under the ocean, but they did get him back fairly sharpish once they got the news to the boat that ds had been born.

Look at it this way Tiptop; sometimes when they've been home for a while you start to get pissed off at them, then they go away and you stop being pissed off and miss them. Keeps it fresh anyway.

If I'm looking at the positives, I have noticed I've lost a bit of weight as not eating all the carb filled foods I eat with him, every cloud I guess!

Thank you ladies. I will wait to see how R&R goes, hope it comes quickly!

I definitely agree that abscence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that! DH does my head in after a couple of days now. We're stopping weekend commuting soon but tbh, it might end being worse living together in the week than I thought!

At least I can currently watch Eastenders/vampire Diaries/OBEV etc without any explanation

Aah, trashy TV - the secret vice of us ladies left behind. No sensible bloke sitting there, tutting "what is this shite you're watching?" before he asks if we can turn over and watch Supernatural...

Yep - as I near the end of this loooong separation, I've got plenty of dodgy habits that I'm going to have to 'put to one side' for a bit. (No, nothing that dodgy for the filthy-minded among you - just stuff like mashing a banana in my peanut butter sandwich; eating tinned spaghetti for dinner because I can't be arsed to cook; wearing greying old battered t-shirt covered in stains because I haven't ironed for a bit). Not that my OH minds, I'm the one who feels slatternly!

tinned spaghetti is soooooo underated

And you don't need to depilate (in winter at least) as there's no-one to see those furry appendages.

And you can keep your library all over his side of the bed, or let the cat/dog sleep there (and as GBAP puts it: by the time he gets back, you might prefer the dog)

[GBAP = Gumboots and Pearls - a spoof 80s guide on "How to be an Army wife"]