Do you eat meals with your dc?

[CloudAtlas]

Mine are still very small, oldest is 2.2, and I don't normally eat meals with them during the week. I don't fancy what they eat for lunch, and if they're having something like salmon, it seems a bit decadent for me to have the same iykwim. I tend to grab a cheese sandwich or toast when they go down for their sleep. They eat their dinner at 5pm, OH not back from work until much later so we eat together then.
Been thinking about it, and think I should make more of an effort to eat lunch with them.

What do you do?

That was my problem with my daughter, who will very willingly eat a very small number of sometimes quite odd foodstuffs- ie she will eat vast quantities of pasta and lychees, but won't touch apples, pears, oranges, bananas, pineapples etc etc. Her diet was completely unbalanced, as she went through a phase of not touching meat, or only eating bread and butter, or only eating the fat off the meat, or only eating meat that was devoid of any fat whatsoever. She wouldn't eat potatoes, or most vegetables. She was also very thin.

Breaking her arm three times in a year last year woke her up to the idea that maybe it might be a good idea to ingest a little more calcium, and since the third break, her diet has been a lot more varied. I has also coincided with a growth spurt (ie going from tiddler size to midget size- she's still 1m46 at 12.8 yrs of age), so who knows what has caused what? She has always been very healthy, but I actually think that is more due to luck, and the persuasion she got to continue eating a balanced if small amount of food, than because her natural diet is inherently balanced. fwiw, she was always a bit of a snacker even when fully breast fed (don't think I ever fed her for longer than 10 minutes before she got bored).

I should mention that she was the only one who was almost forcibly put onto solids, at the insistence of our then health visitor, as she was "only" gaining 2oz a week from birth. I was forced to try and get some solids into this determined 5.5 month old against her will- she spat most of it out, turned her head away, threw dishes across the kitchen, and only really started eating any of it at around 7.5 months. Again, who knows what came first? It could be that she just has a small appetite, and has had since birth, but it could be that being forced to have stuff spooned into her before she was ready created a food problem in her. It's a chicken and egg situation.

Contrast her however with her two siblings who eat everything and anything happily and in normal quantities

Zog, I think I'm detecting a tiny incy bit of paranoia in your last post. If you remember this whole thread is a response to the original poster who wondered whether she should make more of an effort (her words not mine) to eat as a family and wanted to know how other people managed meal times. I think by and large people have responded to this by describing what happens in their home with meal times and saying whether they think that works for them or not. Can't see the problem with that. If you don't want to talk about how meal times are managed why on earth are you on this thread?

'I think it's the concept that any faults in our children can be put down to bad parenting and if only we tried harder, our children would be perfect e.g if I sit and eat with my children for every meal and keep on presenting the foods they don't like, they will eventually eat them.'

Nobody is saying that we are entirely responsible for the way our children turn out. That's ridiculous. And nobody but nobody except you has mentioned that there children are perfect in any way or that perfection is likely or possible to achieve. However, it's pretty blindingly obvious that parents provide the first and most important role model for their kids. It's parents who discipline and praise and encourage. So it's also ridiculous that our children's strenghts and weaknesses are nothing to do with us. As I've said before there are few aspects of our children's behaviour that we would just accept as 'natural' and the 'way they are' so why should it be any different with eating when eating healthily (esp. with a growing obesity epidemic) is so incredibly important.

'Or if I have more than one child and the second or third are a fussy eater, it's totally down to attention seeking behavioural issues. This is such a big pile of cr*p that I don't even know where to start.'

I don' think anyone was saying this were they.

'We do our best with the hand we've been dealt'

Of course we do and for some people it's impossible to eat as a family but that doesn't mean it's not a good idea to do it where it is possible.

'I'm glad for all of you whose children eat everything happily, have great manners, only need 8 hours sleep a night, can get up and ready in 30 minutes etc etc. That's great for you.'

I really don't know why you feel so defensive and looked down on. Nobody is saying that they have the perfect child. If you read my posts again you will see that many times I have said that helping my kids to learn to eat healthily and politely has been a process which has taken years and which is ongoing. Generally now they're great eaters but we've worked at it. And certainly they can behave as badly as any other kids at the table at times. But we continue to work on it.

'I would like to think that you weren't looking down your noses at the rest of us who muddle through from day to day, thinking that only if we tried harder, we could be just like you.'

Paranoia. And if you are happy with your kids eating habits and the way you manage meal times in your home why are you getting so worked up about it? Noone else is.

And there's nothing 'crap' about saying that food refusal or food fussiness is rarely about the food itself but about behaviour and control or about not having been exposed to that food, or exposed to it enough, or exposed to it positively. This is a fact. Any nutritionish, health expert or psychologist will tell you this. And the mums who have to cut food into a certain shape or put it on a certain plate before the child will agree.

Another thing that gave me insight into children's attitudes to food was talking to the workers at my dcs' nursery who said that parents are always saying things like, 'Oh my god, did little Jimmy really eat peas at nursey today cos he never eats them for me.'

Nursery workers will tell you that when children see eating as a social activity and there's nothing to be gained by refusing the food and everything to be gained by just eating it the kids just sit down and eat.

We all eat dinner together and always have done however I have a dd who has never needed much sleep (a 7pm bedtime has always been something that happens to other people!)

Mealtimes are made interesting by the fact that dd (age 10) is a vegetarian and neither myself or dp are but we all eat more veggie food now and also a lot of Indian food so I can do a dal, a rice dish that are veggie and also a small meat dish for us.

I always cook fresh food in the evening and if someone is going to be back late and so we can't eat together I will pop their share in the fridge so they can quickly reheat it when they get in. It would be too time-consuming to do loads of individually cooked fresh meals so we have to eat together or plan something that can be reheated easily for whoever has to come in late. I do enjoy family mealtimes though, we are all so busy that it is a chance for us all to sit down and chat and enjoy food too!

I am amazed this continued today, and quite shocked that a few people got sooo worked up about it.

Really sorry about offending anyone, it wasn't my intention, but I did mean what I originally said, that if people put less emphasis on early bed-times, and a bit more on family living (eating and socialising together when possible) then that would be hugely beneficial in loads of families.

I know that some young children wake early, but that is a major pain to many parents, and if you persist, moving bedtime down the clock bit by bit, 10 mins per week, I do believe that most children will adjust. Yes for a week or two they may get tired, but they will get used to it, and sleep the hours they need, waking later.
And for my money, that is worth the effort.
Of course, some people do regard mealtimes as simply refuelling. To me, it is a time to socialise, to talk, to share a warm pleasurable experience. Even on those occasions when ds has been difficult, dh and I continue to eat and chat, and try not to argue with ds, generally it works out OK.

oh and here ds can be ready for school in 20 mins flat from getting up. i actually find that is less problematic than letting him have more time, when he gets involved in doing something he doesn't want to leave when it's time for school.

Interesting thread!

I love eating together. It's one of the things I looked forward to about being a family. We had a year or so without a dining table ( in rented, stuff in storage) and it amazes me how much better things are eating at the table; more time to talk, really focus on eachother. You wouldn't think it would make that much difference, but it has to us. I think it's a really nice time of the day in our house.

I have gone for a later bedtime so that we can all eat together about 6pm.

DS has great table manners, too. If only the same could be said of DH

Indeed, Honoria - the right furniture can have a huge impact on quality of life / lifestyle .

We have always eaten together every evening at 6pm even when our children were babies and everything is always cooked from sratch. While I have two fantastic eaters, I also have one rubbish eater and as that is the middle child, am confident that it's not my fault!.

What it has done is making me an expert on meals that are effectively building blocks. i.e meals that in their entirety are varied and sufficently interesting for adult and adventurous palates but elements of which can be served to a very fusssy girl. Last night was a Morrocan tagine. She had the pita bread, chicken with no sauce and plain rice while we had the full works.

Yes, you're absolutely right hurricane, I'm totally paranoid. And reading through the thread again, I can see I'm definitely the only one who found any of the posts smug. Sorry about that

Glad we've cleared that up.

HG I always value your opinions and wonder if I can hijack to ask you to have a look at my thread in Chat (called Oh Shit)

The connection between family mealtimes and being a 'good' parent is astonishing I think, reading this thread. I have beat myself up trying hard to establish healthy eating habits, family mealtimes etc and I can see that lots of people have similar issues.

Let's face it, times have changed and many dads (and mums for that matter) are not home in time for a family meal midweek. It is something I and many others have to live with. I welcome the odd night when I know my dh won't be home for 8pm-ish dinner as I can prepare a tea for me and my dd to eat
together.

One thing I struggle with is the whole main hot meal at lunch or tea time?. What do others think about that?

oh how lovely of you otherside will have a look

braveandcrazy, might be an idea to start a new thread tbh (it's something I've thought about too)

But, Brave, I don't think anyone is saying that everyone SHOULD sit down to eat with their family every single night at all costs. Some people are saying that IS what they do and they like to do it. Others are saying that it's just not possible because their dp gets home too late etc etc.

I really don't think there is anyone arguing against it being a good idea to try and eat together as a family as much a possible if it's possible.

How about a comparison. I don't exercise 3-5 times a week. There are lots of reasons why not. I work, I look after the kids, I'm tired, it's raining ....

Some of the above are real barriers to exercising and some of them are obstacles which are quite easy to overcome.

But whatever the obstacles (genuine or excuses) the fact remains that I SHOULD exercise more than I do. None of my reasons why I don't alter this fact.

If somebody on MN or in RL said to me, 'Hurricane, you really should do more exercise' I might say, 'You're right but I work so hard, it's raining....' What I would not do is try to convince them and others and myself that exercise is a bad thing, that it doesn't work for me, that doctors don't know what they're talking about. And what I absolutely would not do to the person who does exericse 3-5 times a week is accuse them of being snug or suggest to them that they were accusing me of being a bad parent or whatever.

This is because I know that it is generally accepted that it is a good idea to exercise regularly and I am quite aware that I should follow this advice and the experience of others.

In the same way, it is generally accepted that it's a good idea to eat together as a family as regularly as possible. THe fact that some families may not be able to or don't like to or choose to spend time with their dp instead of eating with their kids or whatever does not alter this.

And nobody upon nobody is saying that not eating with your family makes you a bad parent or means that your kids are going to turn into monsters or any of these other completely paranoid suggestions that a tiny minority of people on this thread are making.

Smug that should say!

Has anyone actually said they think eating together is a bad idea?

(Yes, I did mean you Honoria)

ok Mercy have done!

Very well put, I think, Hurricane.

Well Otherside nobody has come out and said that but I think that some of those people who don't eat together are feeling very defensive and attacking the people who do eat together and trying to downplay the value of eating together etc etc which is silly and actually suggests that they may well actually be quite worried about the fact that they don't eat together otehrwise why are they getting so upset about it and why do they feel the need to justify themselves quite so much?.

I see. Will have to reread thread with this in mind if I get the time.

hurricane, if that was aimed at me, you couldn't be more wrong.

hurricane you really are lacking in insight about why people have found this thread so irritating
not beacuase we don't eat as a family we do but because the tone of many of the posts is so SMUG and self righteous