Alcohol - when does it become a problem?

[PamT]

I know that quite a lot of the members here talk about the amount of wine they drink and I'm not suggesting that anyone has a problem, but when does drinking become a problem? I don't drink an awful lot and if I open a bottle of wine it does tend to last 2 or 3 days but more often now I am finding myself thinking that I would like a drink, particularly when the kids are really stressing me out. I never drink more than a couple of measures on my own, but is that strong desire for a drink a sign that I am on a slippery slope - or does it just mean that I need to relax and enjoy a drink? I'm strong willed enough at the moment to resist but these thoughts do worry me.

My friend and I were discussing our current states of mind on the way home from school today and we are both feeling really down and unmotivated. We both finally have a couple of hours on our own with our youngest children in nursery/playgroup, yet our get up and go seems to have got up and gone. I spend my time on message boards and she watches tv, then we both see the mess that surrounds us and get more annoyed with ourselves but have no enthusiasm to do anything about it. Perhaps its just that the summer holidays have taken their toll or maybe we both need a kick up the bum.

Sorry to lump the two subjects together but they all seem to be part of the same problem. Your opinions and suggestions would be welcome. (BTW we both have a DH around but neither really seems to be clued up about how we are feeling)

trudles, I've just taken the first step and made an appointment with my gp. He can't fit me in until 1st October though. If I tell him will he have to put it on my medical records?
Thanks PamT and trudles, maybe I'm actually going to be able to get off the stuff before I completely ruin my life and my families. I know I haven't actually done anything yet but you wouldn't believe how much help you have been. I have had this pain in my heart about it for years. Thank you so very much. I wish I was as stop as other mumsnet people. I feel so bad especially when I read the threads about people who have lost their children. Maybe they have helped me face this as well. Thank you.

Wilma, you have really lifted my spirits now, I've actually done something to help someone and feel so much better (sorry to be getting something out of your problem). Your appointment is less than 2 weeks away so it won't be that long. Do you think you can pluck up courage to tell your DH and is he likely to support you? I hope you won't have any second thoughts but you're bound to be nervous, keep coming back to talk to us on this thread won't you and let us know what goes on. Good luck, I'll be thinking about you. Pam xxx

Thank you PamT. I'm going to keep the appointment no matter what. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell him though as I don't want it put on my medical records. I'm not going to tell DH as I feel too ashamed even though we both know I've got a problem. Once he even took a photo of me passed out naked on the bathroom floor when I hadn't made it back to bed. He told me to get the film developed with out telling me what he had done. What a shock I got!

The photo was probably his way of trying to shock you into realising that you needed help because he wants to help you. I hope you will be able to open up to him in time so that he can.

I don't know about the doctor's records thing, maybe he can recommend a clinic or help group where you won't have to put anything on record, or perhaps AA can advise you on this.

I've got to go and make tea now but I will be back here later on (after 8 probably) if you want to come back.

Wilma - well done for taking this step. Like Pam says keep posting. Hopefully someone will be able to come on the board and advise you about your medical records etc - its a bit much that in this day and age you have to worry about seeking medical help because of somebody getting access to something so personal as your med. records. I do totally understand your reasons though just don't think you should have this additional stress factor.

It sounds like your DH is concerned. Maybe with the photo he was subtly (or not so subtly ) trying to goad/shock you into action. Maybe a little way along the line you will be able to ask for his support.

Pam - you offer loads of good advice on this board and your witty tales of woe re your hols in Whitby certainly put a smile on my face.

Thanks Bozza, PamT. I can't believe that today might actually mark a change to the course of my life.
I know, Bozza, that DH would very much like to see me without a vodka and coke in my hand at 8:30pm and this makes me feel deeply ashamed as he doesn't deserve what I am doing. In some ways the bad feelings make me want to drink even more, what a mess! Maybe when I start getting help and feel less ashamed I'll be able to open up to DH.

PamT, surely your need for a glass of wine is the same as the need for chocolate, to enjoy the taste? If I knew their wasn't a bottle of vodka waiting for me when I got home I'd panic which is really wrong and I need to address it.

Wilma, you are sounding much more positive already, I'm really glad that you've made such a good decision and you've really cheered me up. I think my problems have been more due to self pity this week and I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now.

Bozza, you're making me blush. Oxocube always says that I make her laugh too, but I don't know why, all my bad luck stories aren't so funny when they happen, its just life for our family - we are Mr and Mrs Unlucky! Anyway, there'll be no more wet weekends away in our caravan this year - DH clipped the corner of the house with it last week and a minor scuff has affected so many bits that it will be a major repair job and we're waiting for an estimate for the insurance company. Oooops! Oh and I forgot, silly me had been using a washing up bowl full of water to clean the inside and forgot to take it out. When the caravan was towed out of the drive (eventually) there was soapy water all over the hob, carpet, kitchen units where the waves had splashed..... If I didn't laugh I'd be in a corner crying!

Anyway, that's changing the subject - one final thought on 'Wilma's Progress' - Yabba-Dabba-Doo!!! Go for it girl! and no I haven't touched a drop, I don't even want or need one tonight

wilma - well done on how far you have got already - this is a big first step. have you tried looking at the AA website? My dh is an alcoholic (i can now ay it without feeling shame and dread) and we've been through a really tough time but i think we're beginning to come out the other side. It may have been really difficult for your dh to see you putting yourself through this and his photo (as someone else said) is good shock tactic. The most difficult thing is making someone recognise that they have a problem (which i'm not saying you have but further help will help you to decide). The GP was our first step - he helped referring dh on to somewhere else (AA) it does go on your records - but so what, it's nothing to be ashamed of ....... my dh has been dry for 25 days and through AA has a huge support of people and new friends around him and we are beginning to find a new, clean, hangover free, life togther which is a huge relief for us both. But i don't want to romantisise too much - there are very tough times but in the long run dealing with the problem will give you a new lease of life.

reading through this, i sound a bit presumptious - i'm NOT saying that you are an alcoholic or that you ahve a drink problem - only you can judge that, all i am saying is dealing with the problem it so much better for you than hiding it away.

Incidentally, it's not about how much or what you drink - it's about what the drink does to you when you start /the 'need' / lack of control....... etc. hope this helps (and that i don't sound like a preacher!!!)

ejanes, I would not say I'm an alcoholic as I managed to COMPLETELY stop drinking when I found out I was pregnant with my two beautiful children with no help from anyone else.
I am a very habitual person and I feel that I need to change the cycle. I know I could go out etc etc but that panics me as I dread the night time shivers and shakes. I really don't want this to go on to my records as I am about to start retraining from early next year and the job that I am aiming for would involve my records to be checked. I've got a horrible feeling that I'm going to be told that it HAS to go on my records and what to do in that case I don't know.

Thank you sobernow. I know that this is a very sensitive subject for you and I'm really impressed that you can find kind words for me. I'm beginning to really look forward to my appointment in October as what I have been going through has left me very depressed for a long, long time. I long to be 'normal' again, what ever that is!

wilma, just wanted to say well done on facing up to this. don't know where drinking turns into alcoholism - but i expect if you think there's a problem, that's enough reason to get some constructive support. i think you're being very brave - denial must be a much easier proposition.

ejanes - great news. wishing you and dh best of luck for the future.

wilma, well done for being so brave. why are you worried about it being in your notes? the doctor - and anyone else who sees them - has to respect your privacy, and I hope they'll treat this like any other problem s/he has in front of them every day - with practical advice and help, delivered in a polite and professional manner. imagine it's like a bunion, instead of a behavioural thing and it all just becomes a lot more down-to-earth.

You could try having a look at www.downyourdrink.org while you're waiting to see the GP. It has lots of relevant health information. It helps you to assess whether you have a problem and if so, how you could establish a healthier drinking pattern for yourself. I liked it because it's a positive and practical approach. It concentrates on today and the near future and doesn't force you to dredge up lots of painful memories. All the best

PamT, you have no get up and go because you obviously need to relax a bit! Dump the message boarding, read a good trashy novel or watch a girlie video and enjoy your wine.
I think it only becomes a problem when you can't control it any longer. The fact that you can make a bottle last 2-3 nights or down it in one indicates you're very normal!!!
How much did you drink as a student or post-high school? That might put things into perspective!

Inga, I think I was just having a very bad week and the kids were getting on top of me a little bit. Things are a bit better now though the cravings have turned to chocolate (hormonal, I think). I think Wilma's posting also put things into perspective for me. You're right about me needing to dump the message boards - now there I really do have a problem, I'm a real addict. Perhaps I just need to get a life away from the computer screen. Its nice to have some friends to talk to during the day though, rather than being on my own with the housework.

eemie, thank you for the web site information. I took a look at it but I'm afraid the site is not for me because it says you sould not continue with the course if you suffer with shakes etc when you don't drink. I'll just have to wait for the doctors appointment. Very ashamed of myself.

Wilma, don't be ashamed of yourself. On the contrary, you should be very proud of yourself that you are now taking some positive action. I hope your doctor is helpful and sympathetic next week, it can make so much difference.

Thanks PamT. I just hope that I can find the strength and determination to get through this mess, I'm making everyones life a misery. I'm glad my mess has helped you get things in to perspective, it's nice to know that I've helped you out!!!!!!!!

Wilmaflintstone - I think you should be so proud of yourself too. My dd's grandparents on her dad's side were both alcoholics, the grandad died before his grandchild/my dd was born through liver failure and her grandmother is now completely in denial of her condition even though she has seen her own husband die of alcohol related illness - it's sad to watch and bothers me greatly how to tell my dd what her grandparent's did without ever facing up to the truth of their illness. The other sad thing is that now her father (who she doesn't see) is going the same way and has been for at least 4 years - he's 25! What you have done is assured that you will not be beaten by this and however long it takes in recovery is time saved for your children. As other's have said, its the first step and the biggest, so keep on and on. I'm really proud that you can, and want to, do this for your family and yourself - I'm really sad that my dd's family can't bring themselves to do the same for her.It takes a lot of guts, which they obviously haven't got and which you obviously have...
Take care and lots of luck, Lizzer
(sorry if this is a bit much for a friday morning but I've been dying to write a message to you for ages but have only just been able to put it all into words)

Wilmaflintstone - just wanted to add all my best wishes for next week to you. I have followed the thread but not said anything much, but am really impressed. My dh is a GP and has a lot of patients with alcohol problems. He says the very best thing is when someone comes in and says 'I've decided I need to stop', because only then can he actually help people to get better. I was showing him your posts (and I normally keep him well away from Mumsnet lol!) and we both wish you all the best, it sounds like, in your head, you have already turned the corner, and that is what matters! Love susanmt and dh!

Lizzer,susanmt, thank you very much for you kind words. It has taken me a very long time to get to the stage I just hope that I haven't left it too late for the sake of my health and the state this has left my marriage in. My DH deserves a gold star and I'm going to repay him in the way he deserves. I'll let you know how I get on at the doctors on Tuesday, I just hope that I manage to keep my act together instead of turning in to a blubbering fool! Thank you, again.

best of luck!

Hubby and I have at least four bottles per week between us in addition to his share of that he is out once a week and must consume about 5 pints of lager/beer. Agree about being able to cope/drive should the children be taken seriously ill in the night though. Also, I once read that a good test for a potentional 'problem' is to open a bottle early evening and see if you can pop it back in the fridge before bedtime - untouched.

Well done wilma and stick with it. You have made a very brave step and thats what counts.