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Any experience with alcoholism in your family? Just need to know I'm not on my own.

138 replies

rainbow · 31/08/2003 11:13

My DH has always drunk on a regular basis. He's Irish and it's the 'norm' in his family. I am made to feel unsocialable and 'stuck up' for want of a better word, because I rarely drink now. Over the last two or three years DH's drinking has got a lot worse and it is effecting our marriage, his job, his relationship with the kids and his health. At the begining of the year he starting having alcoholic fits and finally admitted to being an alcoholic, something I had known for sometime. He went to AA but gave up after 2 meetings, tried to do it on his own but after a few days he would find any excuse to start again, he found one, my grandma died, he had a stressful day, the kids had wound him up. He seemed genuinly disappointed in himself when he had drunk but I had a lot "this is a one off" which tended to last a week at a time. He had asked the hospital for help on more than one visit but he was always refered to someone else. One doctor referred him to a psychiatrist, she gave him a phone number to ring, the drug and alcohol service. That's as far as it went. Finally 6 weeks ago I had had enough and packed my bags ready to leave. Again we had the pie crust promises, "I will give up on Monday", I thought my mind was made up, I had had 6 months of "...on Monday". I stood up to walk out the door, the car was packed the kids strapped in and he stood in my way, picked up the phone and dialled the alcohol and drug service helpline. My mind and heart were now at war. I stayed until his 1st assesment, then his 2nd, I filled in the forms for him to go into detox and his follow-up in rehab. I took him to his appointments and dropped him off at the detox clinic and I will pick him up when he's finished his detox next week but I have this doubt in my mind. I know how determined he says he is but will this work? I cannot continue living like this. I cannot watch him die. My mum used to work in a pub and we would regularly visit. Many of the people I met there were alcoholics. I worked in the shop opposite Mum's pub and many of them then came in to shop. I watch a few men mainly, slowly kill themselves with the drink, slowly bleding to death, turning yellow etc. I can't watch my DH go through that, yet if he is determined and does manage to kick it, I don't want to leave. I feel that I cannot leave at the moment, I know how much he loves meand the kids and I know giving up alcohol is incredibly difficult. I feel that I would be leaving him when he needs all the help he can get. His family all drink and his mother is a recovering alcoholic, but none of them support him. They ridicule him and eat away at his self esteem. If I left now he would have no-one. I feel like a fool staying. I know a few people in abusive relationships where I think if Dh did that to me I would not be there but now I'm on the inside with people saying that about me it's totally different. Help!

OP posts:
Janstar · 31/08/2003 13:06

Rainbow, I am so sorry to read that you are going through this. I expect you, like myself have read many posts on mumsnet from people who have alcoholics in the family. I am sure you will receive lots of advice and support here. You certainly have my support. My mother was an alcoholic and I know the hell life with one is. Many times I wished as a child that my father would leave and take us with him, as while he was out at work she would hit us and mentally and emotionally abuse us. Also there were many times we would have to do all her jobs and look after one another while she was comatose in bed. When our dad came home she would make up stories about us behaving badly to explain why she had been hitting us, and he was too weak to put up much resistance.

She finally died of alcohol when I was 32, but we always felt it was a miracle she lasted so long. I have often asked myself whether if my dad had been tougher on her she would have been forced to pull herself out of it. I guess the bottom line is - how many chances has your dh had to seek the treatment he needs and stop making your life miserable while he slowly commits suicide? If staying with him is not working then leaving might. He does not need to feel you are not loving and supporting him. You can tell him that you love him and will be there for him, and that you will come back when he has beaten the booze. If he does not dry out because he simply cannot break the addiction then sadly you are better off leaving in any case since he will break your heart. Most importantly of all, this is a miserable environment for children to live in, and you owe it to them to allow them to live without this kind of pressure on them.

I understand that you can't leave until you feel ready and that it really is the right thing, but in the end, staying is not getting you the result you want. Perhaps the shock of your departure would be enough to shake him into more of a resolve. If it doesn't, you will know you did the right thing anyway. It's tough love, and so tough on the person giving it as well as the recipient.

It is hard to consider the fact that by staying you may in a way be making it easier for him to think his drinking is okay. If you leave that will be one more reason to stop. Stay too long and you will end up hating him and unable to be supportive any longer in any case because he will drain away all your emotional resources. If you are to help him and love him as you would want to you need some space away from the uncertainty of living with an alcoholic to keep your own inner strength and serenity.

I hope with all my heart that there will be a happy outcome to your situation with your tough love and strength being the factor that saves his live and gives him a future with you and your children again. Lots of love.

rainbow · 31/08/2003 18:31

Thank you Janstar. I needed someone to tell me what I already knew. Back up what my head knew but my heart is reluctant to hear xx

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eyelash · 31/08/2003 22:13

Rainbow

Do you have children? My dhs dad is an alcholic. My mil tried for years to save the marriage and support fil. While he admitted to having a problem, he never did anything about it. The marriage eventually broke up. My dh is emotionally scarred because of it and even 30 years on finds it very difficult to talk about. Some of the stuff he witnessed is horrific (like mil pretending everything was fine even when they had to step over him unconscious on the floor on their way out to school- much worse stuff as well). Fil is still an alcholic but at least he now can only affect himself. I personally have no time for him. He shows no remorse and never discusses it - its like it never happened.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. I know my mil got a lot of help and support from Al Anon for spouses and families affected by alchol.

Keep us posted.

eyelash · 31/08/2003 22:14

Apologies - read first message again and of course you have children!

rainbow · 31/08/2003 22:32

It is effecting DS1(8yo) a lot and I have read a book from the doctor about alcohol and related problems. It could have been written about DS1 and his behaviour. He is a quiet child who doesn't talk about things much but he does worry about them, as a consequence he blows them up out of all proportion and acts up through worry. He has had a tough time over the last few months. He was very close to my grandma and she was in and out of hospital a lot in recent months, she died last month from heart failure caused by smoking. This coupled with DH's problem's are doing him no favours. DS2(2yo) is more easy going and takes everything in his stride. DH has gone to sleep in the middle of DS1 & 2's bedroom DS2 will just step over him like he's not there. I do worry that I am being selfish wanting to stay and I am hurting my 3 boys mentally and emotionally. DS3(10mo) at the minute is too young to understand but I don't want to put him through what I feel I am putting DS1 through. I know my boys love their father and I know he loves them but I still feel that one way or the other I am going to let them down. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I will try Al Anon eyelash. I have never had the courage to admit to anyone outside my family that my DH has a drink problem until today.

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eyelash · 31/08/2003 22:48

Rainbow - I feel so emotional reading back over your messages - so much so that I think a good cry is in order. You must feel very alone now and with the decisions you have to make, very confused. Follow your heart and think of your boys. Your dh is a grown man and if he has to can look after himself.

As I have already said, I do not have any direct experience but can only see what effect an alcholic dad has had on dh.

I think (but correct me if I am wrong) that part of the success of Al Anon is that you yourself admit there is a problem and you hopefully get the support of others in the same situation. I know my mil used to blame herself for fils behaviour, but Al Anon made her realise that only he was responsible for his drinking.

Hope you get some rest tonight.

rainbow · 31/08/2003 23:25

Thank You

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rainbow · 01/09/2003 08:36

Phoned Al Anon, very helpful put a lot of worrys into perspective. Thank you Eyelash

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sobernow · 01/09/2003 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Batters · 01/09/2003 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boe · 01/09/2003 14:41

Hi - I have left an alcoholic husband and he has not got any better - in fact the drinking is now at its worst and I am sure he is taking other substances also.

The thing that really did it is him starting to drink first thing in the morning at weekends and from there stemmed the violence.

I think it effected me so greatly because I grew up with my grandfather who was an alcoholic - he was finally found by a young girl on her way to catch the train in the morning - he had passed out on the way home from the pub and literally froze to death.

Now I do not drink (one or two glasses generally has me blotto so no point really) - even the smell of a man the morning after he has been drinking brings back awful memories of both x2b and grandfather - I thought it had not effected me so badly but after counselling and talking to my sister I realise that we both feel the same way.

I don't know what to advise you to do - I feel that your husband probably needs your support and help in getting through this but he has to be the one to admit to the problem and want to change things - you can threaten and even leave but until he wants to face up to things they will not get better.

One thing I would mention is that my daughter saw my dp be sick (not drink induced) a while ago and asked him whether he was drunk - she is 3 and it broke my heart to hear her ask him this - no matter how you think it won't effect them because of their ages it will and it is your (terribly huge) responsibility to protect them from this no matter what your heart says.

I do hope things get better for you and your family.

zebra · 01/09/2003 16:43

Terrific post, Boe.

rainbow · 02/09/2003 11:24

Before I started this post, I had never admitted to anyone outside my family that DH had any sort of drink problem. It was hard enough tryng to deal with them and their strange idea that i could 'control' him. No-one in my family drinks on a regular basis let alone have a drink problem (my grandfather and my uncle do but because of a family bust up I haven't seen either in the last 12-13 years). I didn't really have anyone to talk to. 6 months ago when DH finally admitted to having a problem, I thought things would start to improve and he did try to stop but he did it on his own with no back-up and a family (dad, brothers) who laughed at him. Recipe for failure. He would never admit he needed help, he saw that as a failure. 6 weeks ago he asked for help (instead of waiting for it to come to him) and things have sped along. Maybe little too fast as I am not sure that this is going to work yet. No time for it all to sink in. He is, as I type, in a detox clinic, totally determined and 100% sure he will succeed this time. I am not so sure although I want to be, I have seen him fail on more than one occasion.

Boe, DS2 asks Dh if he's "had beer" everytime he walks in the door. Everytime Dh goes out DS2 asks if he is going to buy beer! I find that hard to deal with too.

Thank You Batters, Boe, Eyelash, Janstar and Sobernow for all your support it really does help sort out the mess I have in my head! -x-

OP posts:
rainbow · 02/09/2003 11:25

Before I started this post, I had never admitted to anyone outside my family that DH had any sort of drink problem. It was hard enough tryng to deal with them and their strange idea that i could 'control' him. No-one in my family drinks on a regular basis let alone have a drink problem (my grandfather and my uncle do but because of a family bust up I haven't seen either in the last 12-13 years). I didn't really have anyone to talk to. 6 months ago when DH finally admitted to having a problem, I thought things would start to improve and he did try to stop but he did it on his own with no back-up and a family (dad, brothers) who laughed at him. Recipe for failure. He would never admit he needed help, he saw that as a failure. 6 weeks ago he asked for help (instead of waiting for it to come to him) and things have sped along. Maybe little too fast as I am not sure that this is going to work yet. No time for it all to sink in. He is, as I type, in a detox clinic, totally determined and 100% sure he will succeed this time. I am not so sure although I want to be, I have seen him fail on more than one occasion.

Boe, DS2 asks Dh if he's "had beer" everytime he walks in the door. Everytime Dh goes out DS2 asks if he is going to buy beer! I find that hard to deal with too.

Thank You Batters, Boe, Eyelash, Janstar and Sobernow for all your support it really does help sort out the mess I have in my head! -x-

OP posts:
rainbow · 02/09/2003 11:25

Before I started this post, I had never admitted to anyone outside my family that DH had any sort of drink problem. It was hard enough tryng to deal with them and their strange idea that i could 'control' him. No-one in my family drinks on a regular basis let alone have a drink problem (my grandfather and my uncle do but because of a family bust up I haven't seen either in the last 12-13 years). I didn't really have anyone to talk to. 6 months ago when DH finally admitted to having a problem, I thought things would start to improve and he did try to stop but he did it on his own with no back-up and a family (dad, brothers) who laughed at him. Recipe for failure. He would never admit he needed help, he saw that as a failure. 6 weeks ago he asked for help (instead of waiting for it to come to him) and things have sped along. Maybe little too fast as I am not sure that this is going to work yet. No time for it all to sink in. He is, as I type, in a detox clinic, totally determined and 100% sure he will succeed this time. I am not so sure although I want to be, I have seen him fail on more than one occasion.

Boe, DS2 asks Dh if he's "had beer" everytime he walks in the door. Everytime Dh goes out DS2 asks if he is going to buy beer! I find that hard to deal with too.

Thank You Batters, Boe, Eyelash, Janstar and Sobernow for all your support it really does help sort out the mess I have in my head! -x-

OP posts:
rainbow · 02/09/2003 20:01

Having a few computer problems. Doing this on quite a few threads. Oops!!!

OP posts:
rainbow · 02/09/2003 20:01

Having a few computer problems. Doing this on quite a few threads. Oops!!!

OP posts:
rainbow · 02/09/2003 20:01

Having a few computer problems. Doing this on quite a few threads. Oops!!!

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Boe · 09/09/2003 12:15

Rainbow - how are things going?? Have you made any decisions yet - or more imprtantly has he??

I hope you are opk - I have been thinking about you lately and hoping that thigs are looking up.

Janstar · 09/09/2003 12:20

Same here, Rainbow - I'd like to know how you are?

Jenie · 09/09/2003 12:45

Rainbow - I'm not the greatest person when it comes to discussing things that I find uncomfortable to deal with. But I do know how your children feel from personal experience and I can only imagen the anguish that you must be going through.

I've been away recently and so have only just read this post or I would have added something earlier. If you want to hear my story as from being the child in this situation then let me know and I'll email it to you, somethings not even I will discuss on mumsnet.

I too hope that everything is alright and that it continues to be so.

AussieSim · 10/09/2003 17:34

My first dh was a very successful and likeable guy whom my family adored. He was also a friday binge drinker. I could never get him to do anything else on Fridays. I had two choices, go with him and at least know where he was and take care of him or stay home and worry myself sick as he would pass out somewhere or drive home drunk. His friends egged him on and took advantage of him and I absolutely hated them. It got to the stage where on Friday mornings I would break out in a nervous rash all over my chest and neck that lasted the whole day. I would spend all week trying to think how to manipulate him so that he didn't get drunk on Friday. He also had a fierce temper which was aggravated by the alcohol. I was with him for 2years all up but after 4mths of marriage I told him we had to get counselling or I would leave. He said he wouldn't talk to a stranger about our problems and didn't believe I would go. I went to one counselling session on my own and then left, although having a marriage fail after such a short period of time was of course very awkward, but it was the best decision of my life and a fantastic turning point for better things - after a while. Having said that I understand that having children complicates the situation a lot - you will always have to be in touch with him one way or another, whereas I could kiss my ex goodbye and never see him again.

On another note, my parents broke up when I was 14 yo and and my brother was 17yo. My dad left for a younger woman, but told us kids he had only hung in there for so long (21years) because of us - it didn't make me feel any better (having watched a obviously incompatible couple for my whole life) and I didn't thank him for it.

rainbow · 10/09/2003 18:29

He seems to have Boe, he has just completed 2 weeks detox and succeeded so far, he has signed up for a rehab course which starts Monday. He came home this morning and seems more determined than ever to stay sober. I am hoping more than anything that he will succeed and this will work.
I have made up my mind that is he is going to try to make this work then I will stick with it. He is making a real effort with the boys and seems to really want this to be a 'proper' family. I have decided to give it one last chance. If it doesn't work, it doesn't but I cannot say I didn't try. One drink and I know he will be back to square one so I will leave, for my boys sake. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting brighter, I just hope it doesn't go out.
Thank you everyone who has sent support etc, I don;t know that I could have got this far on my own. I will keep posting.

OP posts:
rainbow · 10/09/2003 18:31

Somehow the beginnig of last post is missing.
I am Ok, Janstar is what it should have said. Oops! Too much editing I think

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Boe · 11/09/2003 09:49

Glad to hear that he is taking charge of his problem. I really hope things carry on like this and he realises what a great DW he has in you sticking by him and helping him.