I thought I was tougher than this, but I am so tearful

[YouOldSlag]

Right away I know I am pathetic. I love Mumsnet and its a big part of my life. many posters have given me a spring in my step just by agreeing with me or quoting me, or just by being wise or kind. Or making me laugh until tears flow. Or outlining an opinion I hadn't considered before.

However, and I know this is stupid, but I am being fucking macerated over the manner of how I got engaged on the "People who plan to "Get engaged" thread.

I cannot believe how nasty it has got. I have got really good at hiding threads that upset me in the past, but this one has actually made me go shaky.

I just feel stupid and thought I was better at holding my own, but I feel outnumbered over something so silly. DH and I went to Paris to "get engaged" and that very act has been labelled pathetic and meaningless. It was such a lovely memory for us and it's had me in tears that it has been called "meaningless" and "pathetic".

I'll have to leave as it's actually made me jumpy and lose confidence about posting. Not flouncing, just feel so shaken and daft to even feel that way.

[scottishmummy]

Yea keep repeating the unengaged are jealous,dying for a ring,a man to complete them
Many things have real significance to me,saying I do,and getting engaged,not significant
graduations,postgrads,family,pals,career.we all have different kerching! things

[MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot]

I think those that haven't read it are getting a skewed idea of the other thread.

It wasn't at all about where/how romantic it was or wasn't etc, it was started by someone saying the didn't understand the idea of 'a couple planning to get engaged' because surely as soon as you have discussed it together and agreed to get married you are engaged - you can't 'plan to get engaged' on x date (I suppose unless there's a reason it might not go ahead - ie you could plan to get engaged next year if x behaviour stops or starts I suppose). I wouldn't do that (plan to get engaged, on x date, in y place) as to me it's too 'fake', especially if it in includes a proposal (what are you propsing if you have already discussed it - nothing!) - but if it makes other people happy - then, really, so what? It's not going to stop the world turning is it and when I was young I wouldn't have thought of it like that and would possibly have done the same.

[Bessie123]

Ah oldslag it's just a ruck, it wasn't that bad. What do you care what someone you've never met thinks about the way you got engaged?

[bbface]

I could not be arsed to read the entire thread you mention. However I got to a few pages past when you first posted and, as far as I can tell, your initial post was sweary and defensive. Most subsequent posters ignored you, but you kept posting quite angry and defensive posts. That is going to attract similar responses.

Fwiw I do think it is a very strange way to go about things, 'to get engaged' as being a planned action agreed between the couple.

[ErikNorseman]

Agree with myheadinsand and bbface. It wasn't the manner of the proposal. It was 'planning to get engaged' on a certain date that confused people. Confuses me too.

[ErikNorseman]

But these threads always go like this. I had someone flounce over a comment I made and on her flouncers thread people were calling me awful things, cyber bully I remember, without having read the thread in question. I think they are bad form. Tatting by stealth.

[Growlithe]

MyHead I read the other thread and am not getting a skewed idea of it.

It amounts to this. You can get engaged in a number of ways.

1. You or your DP can plan a whole romantic scenario in which to ask the question in secret, without knowing whether the other partner will say yes or not. This of course has the possible outcome of being a mistake, which could result in anything from a ruined moment to a ruined holiday, as well as causing a lot of emotional upset.
   

1. You or your DP can ask the question in the spare of the moment, without knowing whether the other partner will say yes or not. Depending on where you are this could also result in anything from a ruined moment to a ruined holiday. It could also (in my case) mean that you don't get the big romantic moment for when you get engaged.
   

1. You or your DP (or both of you) could sound each other out first, before spending time and money on creating a perfect scenario. Of course knowing the answer does technically mean you have already made the promise to marry, but it also takes away the risk factor.
   

In the OPs case, her DP had good reason to sound her out on her attitude towards marriage. He was obviously wanting to create a perfect moment which he knew would be perfect. Nothing wrong with that.

Option 3 would also be a good option for an insecure, but romantic, would-be proposer.

The fact is, getting engaged is a personal thing, which is an important, happy, romantic event to the couple in question however they choose to do it. It is not merely a business contract. To scoff at somebody else's (especially calling it pathetic and meaningless - or 'fake') on the grounds of a technicality is mean and catty.

[nkf]

Seriously? You misread the mood of a thread, post in some detail about your engagement, get upset about references to attention seeking behaviour and now you are here, explaining you are upset and leaving. Have I got it right? Is this a subtle wind up?

[nkf]

But, Growlithe, this is a discussion forum where people post things they don't say in real life. That's what makes it fascinating. If you have crafted a special scenario for your engagement in which there is a mixture of planning and surprise and a sense of occasion and it makes you happy, then fine.

However, some people will think it's idiotic and phony and even a bit narcissistic. In real life you will never know that. Because people aren't that rude to you. So they will ask you about your ring and where it happened even if inwardly, they are thinking, "what a lot of fuss." On MN, someone types, "what a lot of fuss." Nothing has changed except your knowledge that not everyone thinks you are a pair of romantic young things. And then to flounce about that, well, that really is a bit attention seeking. .

[givemeaclue]

I have read the thread. You do state clearly on these that you don't give a "flying fuck" what anyone else thinks. Now you haunt started a thread saying you are crying , tearful etc?

What for? People don't like your engagement, so what, who cares, stop making a drama about what a few strangers on line think.

Good grief.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

why kick someone when they are down? She has already stated she is upset and tearful, give her a break!

[KiwiJude]

What a bunch of meanies. What is it to other people how or when you get engaged? Paris for an engagement sounds fabulous, as does seven years and two kids later :)

[Growlithe]

She probably did start off not giving a 'flying fuck'. So they kept on and kept on at her until she did. Even when someone said she was crying on this thread she was called 'pathetic'. That's not a discussion on engagements. It's being cruel for the sake of it.

She's not saying she's flouncing now (although she probably chose this board as being the best fit for how she felt). She is saying she has lost confidence in posting.

So well done in making someone feel shitty.

[KiwiJude]

Oh wow, I thought there was only one page to this thread and have just found the other six pages. Gosh.

[nkf]

What is it to other people how you feed your kids, arrange your household, talk to your mother? MN is all about people posting the details of their lives and other people weighing in with opinions. Most of the topics are trivial and most of the opinions are heated. It's that very mix that makes MN so entertaining.

I think if something is deeply personal to you, you keep it off MN. The OP on this thread got in a ruck and didn't like what she heard. But she entered the ruck and "thought she was better at holding her own." But now she's upset. Which was it? Holding your own in an MN bunfight or revealing the intimate and the personal? It was an example of misjudging, I think.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

why come on someone's flouncing thread and criticise them like its AIBU?

[nkf]

Why? I'm interested and the alternative is paperwork.

[amillionyears]

People should be reporting as soon as there are PAs. If the PAs are not reported, it can all just esculate.
Sometimes it calms down afterwards, sometimes not.

[Growlithe]

Yes she felt she could hold her own and revealed her engagement, and why her DP thought it appropriate. Then she tried to defend this and found that it all got very upsetting for her. So yes, she probably misjudged the mood of the thread.

So what are you going to do now? Harangue her until she decides to leave a forum that she has enjoyed for five years? Why would you want to do that? Entertainment? Boring paperwork?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Beertricks.,your beauty makes me shy

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Paperwork or make someone feel shite..clearly an easy choice

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I'm all about the love