How to respond to men "helping" when I've said no

[noraheggerty]

This happens to me a fair bit. A man will ask if he can help, often it's to carry something for me, or lift a bag onto the luggage rack etc. If I would actually like some help then I'll say yes. But usually I don't, so I say no. They ask a second time; I say, again, politely, "No, thank you".

Then they literally manhandle my property, taking it off me, pulling on the bag straps to wrest it from my grasp!

Is this normal? I am a fair bit stronger than the average woman, so perhaps with some things I might be carrying or doing, they just can't believe I don't need help? But the other day someone did this with my violin case! Which is not in any sense a heavy item. So it's not always that. Not that it makes any difference why they are doing it, it's still crap but I'm just wondering if I get it more than other women.

Do you all experience this and if so, what do you say to them? Until now I've tended to just let them do it because I don't want to be rude. But I've decided I'm not going to put up with it any more, so I could use some advice on how to respond.

One time I was standing at the top of Overground station stairs working out how best to get the large Dutch bike I had bought down safely when a bloke just came up behind me, grabbed it and carried it down for me without asking. I was pretty pissed off because my handbag with phone was in the basket so when he first grabbed it I wasn't to know if he was helping or theiving.

If he'd offered I would have accepted, just would have been good to have a chance to grab my bag.

Sometimes men do just grab stuff out of your hands to "help".

Sounds a bit made up, doesn’t it?! Never had this happen, ever.

So if a thing has never happened to you, does that mean that thing has never happened to anyone else?

Philosophers would like to have a chat with you.

Usually people who offer help are very polite if someone declines. The only time I have seen anyone, either man or woman insist on helping was when a woman was being so slow with her luggage that no one behind her could get off the train. People were understandably annoyed as they had connections and could not risk being stuck on the train to the next stop.
If this is happening often have a think if you are causing obstruction to others.

You were obstructing other people he clearly got fed up of waiting for you to figure it out so done it himself as a woman I'd of done the same your time is not more important than mine and I shouldn't have to stand waiting about while youre pissing about trying to figure out how to do something

Oh get off your high horse and read the rest of the comments. Many of us are thinking similar thoughts. It’s not a one off - she’s claiming it happens frequently. 🤣🤣

I do kind of get where you're coming from.

I do appreciate chivalry to be fair. I think it's respectful. But that said,I wouldn't like the automatic assumption that I couldn't lift a heavy object or bag or perform a practical task involving strength just because I was a woman.

I think there's a delicate balance here between a polite chivalrous offer and it tipping over into 'patronising' repeated attempts despite saying no is definitely tipping that balance.

For the sake of discussion: as a man who commutes daily by train over longer distances, I offer my help to women qnd elderly men who, in my view, seem to struggle with their luggage—for example at broken escalators. Attractiveness plays no role in this, and of course a simple “no” is enough for me to just continue on my way.

This is perfect.
If I need help I'll appreciate the offer. If no, I'm an adult capable of assessing my own abilities and making my own decisions, and will probably still appreciate the offer, unless it's patently ridiculous.
It's the dismissive attitude to no that's annoying, not the offer of help.

LOL bless you and your weird need to believe that everyone who is not you must be in the wrong 😂

It was a Sunday afternoon on a quiet line and the other 3 people who got off the same train swept gracefully past me and on with their day.

If you really couldn't "of" figured out how to get down a 4 metre wide staircase because a lady with a bike was blocking about a quarter of the space at the top there really isn't any hope for you - no wonder you spend so much time pissed off!

So you’re wiry and fat and curvy? Ok 😆

I don’t find it patronising, I assume the person (usually man) thinks I don’t look strong enough to be lifting heavy bags over my head or up stairs because I don’t look strong enough. To be perfectly honest I don’t want to be doing that so if someone offers me help I take it.
I have never heard anyone say they were offended because someone offered them help.
Obviously it’s different if you say no and they don’t take no for an answer , there’s something wrong with that person as that’s not normal behaviour