Single man adopting a girl with Down’s syndrome

[Lelophants]

I saw something on social media recently about this wonderful single man who decided to adopt a little girl with Down syndrome. It was hailed as the most wonderful lovely thing and he must be a great man. Loads of the comments were positive but a number expressed concern.

As awful as it may sound, I also wasn’t sure. Am I just tainted by the horrors of today? Are there really good single men out there who just want to adopt a single special needs child? I’d love to believe he was pure hearted but I read so much about awful things men do. Do you think this is possible that good men would want to do this on their own?

my husband is a lovely good man but he said he wouldn’t do it on his own.

I agree lots of men can be trusted and wonderful. I can see the intentions behind those jobs and the protections in place. But they still get to go home and have private lives. A single man adopting a baby has no private life anymore and his whole world would be babies. A lot of women can’t cope with that and they are naturally more ‘broody’ and ‘maternal’. However some men are clearly made that way too so should be allowed the opportunity if vetted.

Sorry if I’m being dim, why would someone becoming a parent mean they no longer have a private life?

Whole world being babies is the case for all new dads, women aren’t naturally more broody or maternal, thats just used as an excuse to keep women baby trapped.

Not at all, more that women also have that innate maternal need and instinct to protect and raise a child. I have a wonderful husband and had an equally lovely father who were/are great dads but they would never have had a baby on their own. That’s probably why I started questioning intentions.

More women seem to struggle with biological clock issues than men- and I was overwhelmed with broodiness long before DH was.

If men hit that point later in life it’s less noticeable because their partners arrived first.

So women may not be more naturally maternal than men.

Being a single parent is very different to being in a relationship.

And I actually disagree with that statement. Men can be very paternal and love babies but lots of women do have that overwhelming physical need to have a baby and love and protect it, which often pops up at certain times of ovulation. There are different hormones involved. So MOST of the time there is a difference. Not always of course.

Ive spoken to a number of women about the uncontrollable physical urges of broodiness they have felt and never heard a man have that. But hey, I’m learning that maybe I just haven’t met them!

So women are more natural parents are are more suited to raising children?

I’m sorry I think you possibly misunderstood my question, I think maybe you got mixed up with someone talking about single parents, why do you think becoming a parent means someone doesn’t have a private life?

There was a brilliant programme on R4 about giving birth last week. Absolutely brilliant.

It described the surges of hormones and their impact, and the role o the birthing partner.

We ignore our biology at our own peril.

We are not helpless in the face of biological imperative- of course not- but we are influenced by it.

because being a parent takes over your entire life especially having a child with additional needs. I have a child with additional needs. It is absolutely overwhelming and I have a loving partner.

How much sex were you having after the births of your children? Surely your own OH also willingly gave up an active sex life with a partner for a period of time in order to become a father? Do you think he only accepted that because he was actually abusing your DC? Of course you don’t - even though, statistically speaking, it’s almost certain that there will be women in this thread whose own husbands and partners are child sex abusers.

Absolutely. I think you can be a feminist and still discuss these things. And understand that some women are deeply affected by their own biology and that’s actually ok. I personally think it’s anti feminist to discount the issue of birth and hormones.

😂 yes you’re right, we have equally given a lot of that up. The point is there are TWO of us and we don’t have to go and find anyone else or date anyone else if we want that intimacy. That would be impossible for us. But yes I do take your point. 😂

Yet many women won't experience those hormones because they don't have children and some women find it difficult to bond with their children. Some women simply aren't maternal.

I was a lone parent of a child with additional needs for quite a while, yes they take over and change your life a lot. But I don’t see how it prevents someone from having a private life unless a parent is unwell and needs the support of a mother and baby unit etc.

It’s a heck of a lot harder to date as the single parent of a child with significant additional needs. You have less opportunity and less energy!

That’s true but a woman adopting will often have those feelings.

But your experience that most men don’t feel broody in the same way as many women is already reflected in the numbers. Single male adoptions are already in a distinct minority: they make up less than 3% of all adoptions in the UK, indicating that there are indeed not many men desperate to pursue fatherhood alone (and that < 3% will include men adopting a child relative where they possibly wouldn’t have otherwise considered biological fatherhood or adoption, and gay men who don’t have an alternative route to fatherhood even with a partner.) It can therefore be simultaneously true that most men wouldn’t want to be a parent sufficiently enough to consider adoption alone, and that a very small number men with good intentions, would.

And in that case, hopefully there is nothing to worry about at all

@Lelophants

Of course I can only speak for myself but I never had any overwhelming hormonal driven physical urges to get pregnant and give birth.
There are many reasons why I adopted. By the time I did I was really rather relieved that I could be a mum without being pregnant in my 40s and to by pass nappies, teething and potty training.
I thought I could be a good mum to an older child and I have been.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Maybe be more men would consider adoption if other people didn't jump to conclusions about their motivations

Possibly!

That’s fair. I know you’re not alone in that.

I think it's fairly frequent that men in these positions are found to abuse children. I could go off now and find a couple of news reports from the last month in which men in these kind of jobs have abused children. It doesn't mean that men shouldn't have these jobs just that there needs to be safeguarding in place. Obviously, in the privacy of a home it is harder to ensure safeguarding. I really don't think this thread is full of hatred. The op started it to explore her unease with single men adopting. I tend to think that there are good men who just want a child to have a better life and they should be supported in that but I get the unease and I don't think it's down to prejudice, it's mainly due to the constant stream of stories about men abusing children. Priests, teachers, scout leaders, football coaches. We know it happens and over-riding your instincts can often be very dangerous.

And as you said, when it’s in your own home with no one else there and a child with additional needs… ugh. I used to work with people with additional needs and absolutely there were abusers. A guy made the mistake of abusing a girl who was actually verbal.

Ok.
But then if that child isn’t adopted, they are left in the care system.
A system that is dreadful for children, let alone those with additional needs.
A system where children are routinely abused.

Is that a better choice?