Single man adopting a girl with Down’s syndrome

[Lelophants]

I saw something on social media recently about this wonderful single man who decided to adopt a little girl with Down syndrome. It was hailed as the most wonderful lovely thing and he must be a great man. Loads of the comments were positive but a number expressed concern.

As awful as it may sound, I also wasn’t sure. Am I just tainted by the horrors of today? Are there really good single men out there who just want to adopt a single special needs child? I’d love to believe he was pure hearted but I read so much about awful things men do. Do you think this is possible that good men would want to do this on their own?

my husband is a lovely good man but he said he wouldn’t do it on his own.

@Barbarararara

Are you similarly suspicious of me and about a dozen of my friends who are all single female adopters of boys?

Whilst you can express some preferences, adopting a child isn't like choosing a puppy.
Anyone who was very specific about the sex, age and characteristics of a child would come under a lot of scrutiny about motivations.
The reality is that you can only adopt the children who are looking for families at the same time as you.
Prospective adopters will consider a number of children's profiles and will be matched with a child or children whose needs they think they can meet. These decisions are reached with the support of your social worker, has to be agreed to by the child's social worker and their managers, and then you go to a panel for approval. After all that the decision has to be ratified by the local authority decision maker. It can take months to reach these decisions - in my case 9 months.
Many people will have been involved with the decision to place this girl with this adopter.
He probably did not even set out specifically to adopt a girl let alone one with Down Syndrome. The child I adopted was nothing like the child of my imagination. But he was the right child for me and I was the right mum for him.

@Lelophants

Are all the 'good women' also with partners?
There are many many reasons why both women and men are single that don't make us weird or suspicious or failures

I don't know anything about the adoption process but I know men can be horrible and I know girls can be vulnerable and disabled girls even more so.

As a single mum who has a son I do think given a choice adopting the opposite sex is weird but obviously you've pointed out tou don't get a choice

Just to add another dimension to this conversation...
I have Mosaic Down Syndrome and my son has Down Syndrome. My husband and I have decided not to have any more children due to my fertility issues. We have discussed adopting another child, but I don't feel up to the process after everything we've been through. But I know my husband would in a heart beat. I'm pretty confident that if I passed away and my son was a bit older, my husband would look into adopting a child with Down syndrome and would do a bloody good job of it, just as he does with our son now. In that instance, I can see the headlines reading 'Single Straight man adopts child with Down Syndrome', but without any other information, people would just jump to all the conclusions made in this thread.

@Barbarararara

But why is it weird that it was deemed I could meet the needs of an individual child who happened to be a boy?

The reality is that boys like my son are considered hard to place- because he is male, mixed race and has ASD.
Should he have languised in care for years waiting for a non weird couple to adopt him?

And I did have a choice. And I chose him because he is an amazing human being who deserved a permanent home and family. He just happened to be a boy

@Ted27 · Today 22:59
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Are you similarly suspicious of me and about a dozen of my friends who are all single female adopters of boys?

Well I wouldn't be so suspicious - because you're women.

Don't ask me to explain what I mean, when you know the answer.

.

Personally I found uf difficult when I was expecting a boy, I think having experience abnd empathy with your child is important. I'm lucky my son talks to me about everything but I can't empathise and say 'don't worry that you got an election in front of the teacher when I was your age....' or show him how to shave his rather impressive moustache etc equally a man can't empathise when a girl gets her first period, he won't know about the stomach cramps or have the experience of a missed period etc

I'm a good mum to my son. I know there are so many good mums to sons and good dads to daughters. In my opinion which I'm entitled to, I don't know why someone would adopt a child not their own gender on their own. Now I know it's not a choice.

I agree.

Would you all feel better if it was a man adopting a male child?

I would

I recently read Behind Closed Doors by B.A Paris so this thread scares me

@Barbarararara

I told you I did have a choice

I chose him. I have taught him how to shave, if I hadn't, grandad would have done.
We are very open about sex, there is nothing we can't talk about. But he has males in his life if he needs to talk about things.

And male adoptees are as vulnerable as girls.

Are you from the 1950s? How do you think single parents of opposite-sex children manage? 🙄

As one myself I think they manage quite well but no matter how much I love my son I don't have the experience to relate to him when he's experiencing things only boys can and I think that's a shame.

I have no objections to him adopting her. I have many objections to the idea that he’s a hero for doing it. I have a single male friend who’s adopted two siblings. The hero worship he gets really winds me up. I raise my twins solo because their dad rejected them at birth. I absolutely think my friend has done a good thing. I absolutely do not get the hero worship he gets. My female friends mostly think I’m a champ for struggling through. Most (NOT ALL!!) men view me suspiciously. Like it must be my fault that my children’s father has rejected them. No one views me as a hero. Because I’m not. But neither is my mate who adopted two kids. We’re both just adults making the best of our situation. Just he chose his situation, and I had mine thrust upon me.

@Ted27 your son is lucky to have you - no I'll rephrase that and say you're lucky to have each other. It sounds like a lovely, healthy family dynamic. I wouldn't be wasting any more energy trying to educate @Barbarararara because she sounds hard of thinking.

@ComtesseDeSpair furnishing us with the background has made all the difference to my thoughts on this case. It sounds as though they guy wanted someone to love and care for. I hope he is supported.

I also wonder if the likes of @Barbarararara has joined the dots on the fact that if someone adopted their preferred sex they would be more likely to later abuse. So if he was a straight man arguably the girl would be at greater risk.

The point made about the girl being at higher risk when passed around the care system was also well made.

Do you think married adoptive fathers don't ever abuse their children?

God forbid someone has a difference of opinion. Also I never said anything at all about his sexuality, I'd have the same concerns if a straight man adopted a girl.

I think he's genuine and I have known several men who would do something like this. Women underestimate the male drive to parent.

To be honest I think choosing a difficult situation for the welfare of children you're not obliged to care about is quite different.

It's usually women that kill children so she'll be at higher risk of sexual abuse but lower risk of homicide statistically.

@Barbarararara

It's not the difference of opinion, it's being called 'weird ' that is the issue
What does that even mean?

I can assure you that I'm no more 'weird' than you.

@HerbFan I am indeed lucky to have my son, he is an amazing human being. It's been the privilege and honour of my life to be entrusted with his life.

I agree. Its selfless act, whereas having children is a selfish one as you're only doing it because you want it @SummerHoHoHoNy

Some of the comments here are vile and reflect appalling badly on feminists.