Single man adopting a girl with Down’s syndrome

[Lelophants]

I saw something on social media recently about this wonderful single man who decided to adopt a little girl with Down syndrome. It was hailed as the most wonderful lovely thing and he must be a great man. Loads of the comments were positive but a number expressed concern.

As awful as it may sound, I also wasn’t sure. Am I just tainted by the horrors of today? Are there really good single men out there who just want to adopt a single special needs child? I’d love to believe he was pure hearted but I read so much about awful things men do. Do you think this is possible that good men would want to do this on their own?

my husband is a lovely good man but he said he wouldn’t do it on his own.

@SummerHoHoHoNy you are comparing two very different situations.

Choosing to take responsibility for children who are not your own by birth or biology is an act on a very different level to that of a parent caring for children who are their own by birth or biologically.

I'm sorry that you are in a tricky situation but from your post it appears that you are ignoring differences and viewing things through your own lense.

@Barbarararara I disagree strongly with your post, and reading it made me feel sad that you'd have such a narrow view.

I have talked with my son about both awkward erections and taught hm how to shave. He even has a pretty impressive moustache. One conversation was extremely awkward, one less so. I'm not sure that having the awkward conversation with a man would have been any easier and even without personal experience of the situation I was able to offer empathy and advice, albeit with humour and some stuttering. I'm not sure how well I did- but neither can I say with any confidence that a man would have made a better hash of it.

My son and I are different in some ways, and extremely similar in others. The unconditional love and support that I have for him, and the pride that I feel towards him is unshakeable. We are incredibly lucky to have each other, and I feel privileged to see him grow into a young adult who is almost ready to make his own way into the world, on his own terms, with the secure knowledge that I'll have his back from near or far.

He has inadvertently and deliberately helped me view more of life from a male perspective than I could previously, (and visa-versa). Something that has benefitted us both.

It's understandable to feel conflicted, especially given the world we live in. But good-hearted individuals, men included, do exist, and some truly want to make a positive impact, even on their own. It's a beautiful act.

I don’t think anyone here would write off all men or canonise all women. That isn’t what this thread is about. Neither is it specifically about Luca- whose name I didn’t know until it was brought up.

-We have to be allowed to discuss safeguarding. -Every situation is up for judgement.
-Recognising an increased risk isn’t the same as preventing those people from being involved.

So yes, we look extra hard at situations where women are more frequently implicated (though I’m not familiar with those) and we look extra hard at cases where men are more usually implicated.

Straight or gay, male or female, married or single. Risks must be faced head on. Some risks are more frequent than others. And are in fact still quite infrequent.

How awful. I’m far from naive about the safeguarding risks, but you have no evidence at all this particular man is anything close to a risk. He’s done a wonderful thing and here you all are chatting shit about him!

I disagree. Most sexual abuse is committed by men, and sex predators seek vulnerable victims. The man we’re talking about sounds like a good person. But that doesn’t make anyone “vile” for voicing concerns.

I think the thread is disgusting and have no idea what a witch-hunt has to do with feminism. It's a disgrace.

Given that many posters are implying he's a paedophile who has adopted her in order to systematically sexually abuse her, I'm surprised MN hasn't pulled it.

But @Hateam until someone mentioned his name (you?) it wasn’t about him.

More about the principle of single men adopting disabled children.

Disregarding the individual who may indeed be wonderful, the statistically most vulnerable person has been placed with someone statistically more likely to be a predator.

Disabled girl in care.
Man.

Obviously not all disabled girls with a care background are abused.
obviously not all men abuse.

If this were an insurance question there would be massive of data processed to assess the risk. Age of driver, experience of driver, engine size of vehicle, location of vehicle and driver.

What’s happening here is an informal brain based, anecdotal version of the same thing. It’s not about whether this 21 yr old male driver who has a souped up sports car and a risk based job is a sensible young man who never breaks the speed limit.

The very first sentence of the very first ppost made direct reference to him.

Many other posts said 'I hope he is doing it for the right reasons'

About that situation. And yes, we all hope adopters are doing it for the right reasons, that’s what the screening process is for. Adopters were rejected at the very last minute for a child I looked after. It was appalling that the issue hadn’t been picked up before. The wellbeing of the child is the highest priority.

If a child has a better chance with someone else, a better option, then that is the option that should be secured. It’s about the best chance for the child, not the rights of the adults.

This isn’t personal to him unless you make it so. It’s about single men adopting AND it’s about how we feel about that.

It’s the same as discussing men working in nurseries and care homes- where there is far more safeguarding structure than in private homes. We had this discussion after a woman in a care home became pregnant. She’d been repeatedly raped.

We must also be allowed to discuss the fact that women secondary school teachers do in fact groom and abuse boys.

The thread title makes it clear it was about him.
Many posts have directly referenced him.

Why not add his name?

As far as single men adopting, if they go through all the same checks a single women would go through, it's fine.

I also wondered about this scenario and feel slightly uncomfortable. I don't like feeling this way but this child is hugely vulnerable.

So I have asked my DH ( he is straight, a good person and a loving father).

On asking if he would have adopted as a lone man. He thought for a long time and eventually concluded if he really had failed to meet a woman had no other real interests ( at this point I think he is seeing himself driving around the world in a sports car not adopting children). He could perhaps consider that adoption would be a nice way to enjoy the experience of bringing up a child. On further probing he would think a little boy who he could share interests with would be the only suitable scenario for him. (again I think his mind had a sports car in this scenario)
( I will point out now we actually have both male and female children who he loves etc and he is not some sexist or had a preference with our own children).
He felt a girl would want a mother and he could see a man being better able to support a boy in need.

I then asked about a baby girl with downs syndrome and got an absolute no. He would not and could not see that as at all appropriate or desirable to him. He also felt very few men would be up for this idea.

I asked about gay men ( he obviously knows some through work, friends etc). He did feel that gay men would be more up for adoption and due to differing relationship patterns he viewed alone adoption may be more desirable. But was still unsure any gay man he knows would want a baby girl with down syndrome and certainly not alone.

At this point I am thinking my husband is rather superficial so I have sent him off to hang the washing out.

I mean, men commit 97% of sexual crimes so….

Being MN, this man has obviously only adopted her so he can abuse her

It's still a terrible way to look at all men.

...so best not let them be teachers, nurses or carers.

Thank you for all the comments on here. I hate to think of myself as a sexist person but obviously I am being sexist in this situation. I think I’ve just realised how dark the world truly is and constantly reading stories about how many bad things happen had made me much more cynical. It’s a very sad thing. Having children of my own im aware of how vulnerable they are how such an enormous commitment this adoption would be. He would have no sex life nothing for many man h years. Very unusual for a man to give that up willingly when he has his whole life ahead of him and no ‘cut off’ if he wants to produce offspring biologically. I still think it’s good to have these discussions.

This is spiralling.

I am adamant that we need to question our own reactions-
are we being sexist and bigoted?
are we being reasonably cautious?

It’s right to interrogate our own attitudes, as we have done on this thread. That’s how we spot that we have prejudice.

Shutting the conversation down doesn’t convince anyone.

I suppose the point being made OP, is if we shouldn't trust single men to adopt, where do we draw the line? If all men are potentially abusers, how do we safeguard children?

Your basic questions is "Can men be trusted with vulnerable people?'.

Teachers, nurses and carers and trusted with vulnerable people.

So no. This isn't spiraling.

What do you think OP. Can men be trusted with vulnerable people?

If yes, men adopting downs children is fine if proper checks are made.

If no, men can't teach, nurse or care for downs children. In which case they can't be teachers, nurses or carers.

Surely this raises as many harmful stereotypes about women as it does men: you’re implying that women naturally aren’t very interested in sex, that women love babies and children more than anything (both untrue), hence it would be “natural” for women to want to adopt, whereas all men care most of all about sex, which makes it creepy that they’d sideline their sex lives for a family.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Absolutely
And also stereotypes about single people.

And apparently I'm 'weird' because I adopted a boy

I was worried about my firstborn- I worried I wouldn’t know what to do if it was a boy. Strongly hoped for a girl. By the due date I’d realised that a healthy baby was enough. And two boys later I fostered a girl and discovered a whole new world of things to worry about.

It’s natural to relate to what we understand and query things that we don’t.