What's your title?

[LorlieS]

I'm married.
I go by the title of Miss at work (primary teacher) and Ms everywhere else.
Hate it when people refer to me as Mrs S.
Nope - that's my mum!!!

You obviously got one that wasn't circumcised then.

Ms, I don’t mind Miss though. Don’t like Mrs. Definitely couldn’t do Mx.

I am told Ms is old fashioned by some younguns tho, like doilies 😁

I spent my whole career encouraging the women I worked with to consider the impact of patriarchy, to break the bonds they didn’t even know were there, to develop their careers, independence and sense of self worth. I also understand the importance of language and even the little words we don’t think really matter. I’m aware of the history of “Mrs”, of marriage itself and the many many ways in which women are trapped and confined in their relationships. Nonetheless I chose to marry and I choose to style myself Mrs. Call it my Achilles heel. I am old. I’m not sure these reductionist arguments on MN are able to reflect the complexity of the choices we make.

Ms, and my own maiden name.

My DM insists on sending birthday cards to me as Mrs Husband's Initial, Husband's Surname.

Ms husband's surname.

I wasn't particularly attached to my maiden name and like that DH, D's and I all have the same name - if I'd felt strongly about my maiden name I'd have kept it and DH would have been fine with it.

Family have never commented negatively, I have an aunt who has also been Ms for all of her adulthood, my sister and mother are Mrs, it just didn't feel right on me.

(As an aside, DH and I do both wear wedding rings - in fact I probably take mine off much more often due to sport)

It depends on the circumstances.
Sometimes Mrs, usually Ms, though I prefer neither.
Often on on-line forms I'll pick maybe Dr or Rev, and it's surprising how those titles then crop up in totally unrelated places.

Ms. Because my marital status is no one's business

Another patronising comment.

I absolutely understand and recognise the patriarchy behind the title, but I choose to defy it by not living my life in a way that reflects that patriarchy- I break boundaries at work, I mentor women in their careers and men also, encouraging them to consider part time working when their children are young perhaps. I have a thoroughly equal partnership with my husband (no, really. Not a “I’m hugely grateful if he puts a cup by the dishwasher and remembers the kids birthdays” one).

In much the same way that I reject anyone making assumptions about who I am and the kinds of things I like because I am female, I also reject them making any assumptions about me because I am a married female. Please be careful not to be patronising. You’ve made very good points but I think you’re still quite stuck on a rather basic perspective of alternative views.

@Talipesmum What title do you use? Apologies if you've said previously.

Mrs.

I never got my PhD, though DH did, and several people, both male and female I know did, so became Drs and I know quite a lot professionally.
My impression is that, when they were newly obtained, everyone was keen to use Dr all the time.
Now, 20 years later, both men and women use Dr professionally but not so much in personal lives, though if it's a drop down option on a web form they'll probably choose that.
DH doesn't like to use Dr in his personal life.

😂

How can you not laugh? We can't help it because these assumptions are so silly as to be entertaining, and if we got all pissed off and offended everytime someone made one we'd spend our lives angry.

But in reality it's fairly depressing. This kind of low-level misogyny is absolutely bloody everywhere.

This is wrong. Like you, I mistakenly assumed that no one but no one would give a flying tin shit what I called myself. DH certainly didn't. But having taken the gratuitous liberty of marrying and daring to continue using my own name, the experience has been unexpected.

Of course, random strangers will neither know nor care whether I'm using my own or another family name. Of those who know me, plenty have had something to say (on one occasion along the lines of 'respecting' my husband). Elsewhere, it's frequently a case of 'computer says no', or a cocked eyebrow when you list your relationship status as 'married' but insist your title is 'Ms' or 'Dr'. Or who assume that, of the two of you, it must be DH who is the 'Dr' (I have the PhD; he doesn't). Or certain receptionists who have taken clear offence when I've politely requested not to be addressed as 'Mrs', and to have my records amended to show my accurate title. On no such occasion have my records actually been amended.

I've been mildly surprised by the number of supposedly uninvested people who are desperate to put women back into what they view as our 'box'.

This isn't a new issue for me. I've been married since 2008.

SerafinasGoose

Not married but partnered and I've had a similar experience, especially with regard to questions about why I don't marry him and settle down like a good little wifey-pops with Mrs HislastName.

Fuck that.

MoonWoman69 by taking the position you have you are also 'taking a stand'.

I've been married 31 years and have experienced the same. One receptionist in the kids secondary school was very adamant that I am Mrs DHSurname. I had to write in, as verbal requests didn't work, to ask for my name and title to be corrected for each of my 3 dc, even though it was all part of the same record in the database and I had filled in the application form with my correct name and title when applying for each dc. Surely the logical thing to do when adding a record to the database is to actually use the data on the form rather than unilaterally deciding that the mother, who may or may not be married to the father, is Mrs DHSurname?

Bil still addresses everything to Mr and Mrs DhInitial DhSurname when posting anything to us. He seems to take it as a personal insult that I didn't change my name to that of his brother.

Sports coach, who insisted on titles for himself and parents, repeatedly using the wrong surname despite numerous corrections. He eventually got it.

School applications to multiple secondary schools (different system here in Ireland), all bar one addressed responses to Mr and Mrs DhName, despite my name and title being clearly written on the form.

These are just a few instances. It gets very tiresome. To be honest, when I got married I had assumed that by now this would no longer be an issue but it seems to be just as bad as it ever was.

Yes to all that, @OchonAgusOchonOh (though we’re actually sending DS to the secondary that got my title correct), only, bizarrely, it’s MY family who address cards to me in DH’s name, or, in the case of my own parents, who are well-used to my views and have known what I’m called since birth, double barrel-my name with DH’s, which I’ve never used. DS uses both surnames.

Mrs.
Surprised at your students - my kids always called their teacher 'Miss' or 'Sir', married or not didn't factor.

I have literally just answered the door to a delivery driver delivering something for DP, and when I gave my name he raised an eyebrow and said 'But Mr X does live here?'

Clearly it's inconceivable that two adults could live at the same address and have different surnames 🙄

Also yes, my SIL has sent us cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Partner's Surname, despite us not being married 😂And my bank won't let me change my title on my bank card from Miss (first account from when I was a teenager) to Ms without some lengthy rigmarole involving my passport.

I've had the same issue with in-laws too. MiL is divorced and remarried, with a different name. She persists in addressing me as Mrs Hisname despite repeated requests from DH to stop.

DH's ultimate conclusion was that as she patently ignores his requests either she's not very bright or she's doing it on purpose to make a cheap point. He has her measure. This is unfortunate for all concerned, but sadly she's made it inevitable (there's obviously a back story and it's about a lot more than one piece of immature pettiness).

Were I as small-minded as she is, I'd have retaliated by addressing her in kind. She has been Mrs Hisname in the past, whereas this is a name I've never used. She has far more claim to it than I do.

However, I'm not this much of a dick.

I think that is a reasonable question from the delivery driver. He needs to know if the addressee lives there or if there is an error on the label.

Your bank sounds utterly ridiculous. I got annoyed with my bank a number of years ago. Dh and I had added his name to one of my accounts to create a joint account. They then proceeded to send the statement for this and an account in my name only to both of us. I didn't even bother complaining that they had automatically put his name first on the account that was now joint despite it having been my solo account previously.

My bank said I couldn't have an account without a title, but changed it from Miss to Ms without question, and did send me a new card with no title.

Dr with “maiden” name.

Hate it when I’m called Mrs + maiden name (no, that’s my mum). Equally hate it when I’m called Dr + husbands surname.

@nestofvipers Yes I agree; I'm called Mrs Familyname so, so often by the kids at school! No, no, no - that's my mum!