How do YOU challenge the patriarchy?

[LorlieS]

Personally speaking.

Examples for me include being a married Ms MyLastName, equal share of household chores and childcare with husband etc. Do these sound like silly and insignificant examples?

I suppose if more people challenged these "small" things it would make a big difference ultimately?

As a youth group leader, I'm actually surprised in how the sex stereotypes can already be ingrained by the time they start with us at 8yo. Just this week I had an 8yo girl claiming that boys were rubbish at washing up and the just the girls should do it (nope.. they all do it. And usually its the male leader supervising the kitchen clear up! They are bad at it because they are kids, many of whom only wash up when at the club).

So my contribution... making sure that children realise what they are better or worse at is about them not their sex.

My main different one is when I'm preaching in church i refer to God as She/Her

I also have never changed my name, often use my initial at work so no one knows my sex, share all chores with spouse

I’m disappointed I changed my name on marriage.

But- I talk to my sons. They are capable and competent in the house. I point out inequities in the world and mention challenges I’ve faced myself.
I also comment positively on men who treat me well and on those who don’t- and on the latter’s inability to see it.

I’m a feminist academic whose specialism is in recovery work on non-canonical women writers, and my feminism informs my teaching as well as my research. I’m also involved in mentoring younger women academics in what is still a fairly patriarchal field in terms of a dearth of senior women.

In my personal life, I spent my student years campaigning for reproductive rights (abortion was illegal and contraception difficult to access), am vocally feminist, am raising my son as a feminist, am married to a man who does far more than his fair share of household chores (he does all the cooking and food shopping, for instance) and has been modelling family-friendly practices in his own (macho, male-dominated) industry by saying ending meetings to time, saying he needs to pick up his child from childcare. It never occurred to me to change my name on marriage, or to give DS anything other than both our surnames, I don’t shave body hair or perform femininity in my self-presentation. I don’t do ‘mum guilt’ or think my house’s tidiness is some kind of reflection on me.

ETA. And where I can, I am clear on the necessity for the legal definition of ‘woman’ to be unchanged so as to allow actual women access to hard-won rights and protections for the sake of a deeply patriarchal set of assumptions that how a tiny minority of men ‘feel’ is more important than women’s lived reality..

I dont think I have challenged the patriachy. In fact as i've got older i've thought fuck it, i might as well use it to my advantaged. I send my husband to all the kids medical appointments as the doctors take it very seriously if a big important man takes them

I did push my husband to request flexible working and he was the first man in the company to do it. He was turned down and the person said 'doesnt your wife do thst" and he said 'funny, her employer said 'doesnt your husband do that'. It then got approved.

I do not accept any casual sexisim or assumptions about sex/gender in our house and have been actively talking.to my.children about the ridiculousness of gender stereotypes since they were babies.

I started teaching them about consent as toddlers. I met a woman once who was horrified by that and I pointed out that even at 2 years old, ds was bigger and stronger than other children (he's on track to be 6ft3!) So it was important and its not just about sex. The point is to listen to what other people say and act when deciding how to play/touch them.

I am the main breadwinner, household tasks are split. I am completely willing and able to.srand up for myself and I make decisions about myself and my appearance etc to please me. Sometimes that might embarrass my children but having grown up with similar from both of my parents, I know that in the long term it will pay off.

I taught Engineering at an RG university for 30 years.

By casually commenting aloud on patriarchy whenever I come across it.

Didn't change my name on marriage. Earn more than DH. He does a lot more with DD in terms of ferrying her round and stuff. In a group, always first to the bar to get a round in.
Very much influenced by feminist education in the 90s: 'different but of equal value', so I don't have any issue, say, asking DH to open a jar - he's got far bigger hands and he's stronger - or any other household stuff helped by being bigger and having longer arms!
Throw a bit of money at court cases where women have been bullied by TRAs.

I was a trade union rep, there were 4 women out of 40 reps and was also women’s officer, I received hate mail through the internal post for that. I helped write the council I worked for equal opportunities policy. I was also involved with equal pay for work of equal value campaign, this was the 1990’s.

I will call out stuff, just this week an incident happened so I called this man out and complained to our manager. She was supportive but in discussing this with people it is amazing how many women were apologists as he was an older guy past retirement age as a generational thing.

I will just do as I please really, I mean that’s what men do.

I buy the presents for my extended family and I leave my partner to buy the presents for his extended family. He's pretty rubbish at it but I leave him to it.

I change lightbulbs, can plumb in kitchen appliances, have fixed a tumble dryer and toilets and can change a plug 😂

More seriously, I study and research the hidden voice.

I am single and intend to stay that way, have my own home, great career and am bringing up amazing children alone.

From another thread, I am reminded that I also regularly drive when we all go somewhere together instead of assuming that The Man will drive!

I try and instil in my children that roles traditionally carried out by men are not inherently more worthy and important than roles traditionally carried out by women, and that these roles are vital despite being undervalued by society

I have a great career and I take opportunities to raise other women up in work. Married a (male) feminist so our children (one girl, one boy) are being raised with those ideologies. I too am Ms but we double barrelled our surnames. 50/50 on finances, housework, childcare. I work with teenagers and am fortunate enough to be able to have discussions and encourage debate about many issues including feminist ones.

Small things. I’m raising my daughter to be strong and fierce. I talk to her about the patriarchy and how we must bulldoze through it and support women, always. I never move out of the way for men on the pavement, but frequently hold doors open for them and enjoy the confusion. I’m a handshaker, not a cheek kisser when meeting new men. I suppose I generally behave towards men with the level of entitlement that they try to impose upon me and then when we enter a stalemate they must be the one to bend. I’m direct and call out things like interruptions, calling me love, etc.

I am South African, which MAY be relevant, I'm not sure. Also pushing 50...

Growing up, I don't remember being made to shake hands with adults when I was relatively young. I don't think it was standard for girls? I'm not sure.

I do remember, age 19, a male friend of mine from home came up to my uni town for a festival with a couple of HIS male uni friends and they all came to meet a bunch of us somewhere. All the "boys" were shaking hands and introducing themselves and I was just ignored (for some reason I was the only girl I think? Or maybe the others faded into the background, I don't remember) and so I stepped forward and pointedly stuck out my hand.

It was so weird as I honestly am not sure I'd EVER shaken someone's hand before that, ever. But somehow I just instinctively realised how batshit this was.

Me and DD talk often about the lack of female characters in books/tv etc and quite frankly, I am happy to let her watch the ridiculous YouTube fan fiction stuff with Disney princesses etc as usually its female dominated and they're all strong, independent etc. DD also knows that if there's any kind of discrimination at school, I've ALWAYS got her back. eg when one boy kept touching her face becuase she had a skin tag. I spoke to the teacher, teacher was suitably concerned. It kept happening. I told DD to shout next time and she said, "but we're not allowed to shout, I'll get into trouble" and I told her that if that happened she doesn't need to worry because I will rain down hell on the school. She didn't, but she did subsequently practice and deploy a killer roast on this child. Bizarrely, they're now friends?!

Similarly, I am "that" parent. The one who wants to know why the girls football club doesn't use the nice facilities and is cancelled more often. The one who complained to the school when the girls who wanted to play football were discouraged by all the boys telling them they couldn't. My view is that a) if I don't fight who will and b) I want my children to look back and know I walked the walk as well as talked the talk.

When I was teaching Computing / CS / IT - I put the girls together. Too many teachers use girls to police boys' behaviour so when they are in a minority they are usually sat between two boys. Not in my classes.

I put pictures on the whiteboard of women who have made contributions to computing, Ada Lovelace, Grace Hopper, the ENIAC programmers.

Every year I have hedge hogs turn up to eat / drink. I name them in girl/boy order.

I bought a doll as a present for a boy at his naming ceremony and I also got him a bracelet with lady birds on. I looked at different site and refused to buy from ones that called it a 'girl's' bracelet.

@PinkNavy26

Your long post actually reeks of patriarchy. You work away for 3 weeks and then try to 'help out' when you are home, surely you should take over all of the housework when you are home?

Marriage would give your partner a lot of rights she currently does not have. These days you can have a civil partnership.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Both%20married%20partners%20have%20a,a%20separation%20or%20divorce%20settlement.

You seem to think you are being a good guy for I don't generally formally report inappropriate behaviour but I let women know I will support them if they choose to do so.

That is standing by and watching. You should be reporting inappropriate behaviour. Not reporting is the same as supporting who ever is being innapropriate.

I could go through point by point but it's early and I need coffee.

BTW not raping should not be on the list, it should be the norm, not something you get a medal for.

@PinkNavy26, You are clearly coming from a very good place. There is a problem though, which is most of your list amounts to "I do not actively try to be a door knob". For the most part this is all we can do.

Much of what I have seen from male feminists is them share that they used to be abusive because they thought they were so special, and now they announce themselves as special for not being abusive. It is not really progress.

Women put up with a lot of creepiness in my male dominated industry. The upshot was when I run my own office, I found it easier to recruit women by not being creepy (I had a woman who runs an office comment on how her and I had this advantage). The result is an office of women referring to the man as "boss".

I do not recall ever treating women in a way I would never accept from them. Apparently, young women in the 1990s and 2000s were eagerly cooking and cleaning for their boyfriends and never dreaming of speaking back, but I was in a different UK. But for sexual determinists, this would mean I have never been self-aware nor repented.

I agree we should not call ourselves feminists, I think we should try not to be doorknobs and stay out of the way.

I live my single life happily. I raise my child and pursue my career successfully. I own/run my own home and build my own pension fund without issue.

My every day shows that I do not need a man in order to be independent, happy and secure.

It's surprising how many men try to belittle my (very quiet & moderate) success or who see me as desirable from a financial point of view. Giving them a wide berth irritates them more. 😀

I earn 15x what my husband earns. I wear what I like and (within reason) do what I like. But I do not expect all women to be like me - their choice.

@PinkNavy26 I wondered if your long post was a kind of parody or unfunny joke when I first read it. There are so many red flags in it and I haven’t got time to address them all. I will just single out the fact that you boast about not having hit or raped a woman. If you are for real, I am shocked that you think you are doing your best by not being a criminal. What an incredibly low bar. Very little about what you write has anything to do with feminism.

I like what @Sweden99 has to say about your post:

much of what I have seen from male feminists is them share that they used to be abusive because they thought they were so special, and now they announce themselves as special for not being abusive. It is not really progress

I also have equal division of labour in my house. DH and I share the parenting of our girls and work around the house.

My job actually involves challenging patriarchy in that I work with men convicted of domestic abuse. I literally spend my day challenging stereotyping and unhealthy beliefs of men and women that lead to abuse.

@Sweden99 I don't think men can truly be feminists.

I think they are like white South Africans who did not agree with apartheid.

They could see unfair treatment but they got a better education, lived in nicer areas, employed a maid who would be black, were better paid, had the opportunity to go in to a career of choice.

If the police were called they would be believed, even if they went to prison they had better conditions.

But they never lived the life of a black person.