Does anyone else notice a rapid difference in how men treat you as you have aged?

[twinklebigstar60]

I'm 42 now and I noticed this started happening about 3 years ago. Male attention is something that I never even really cared about because I'm bisexual and prefer women, but it's kinda startling when I meet guys who were friendly once upon a time who treat me with total rudeness now when I'm still exactly the same person.

It used to kinda upset me when it happened first but now I think I can see it for what it is. It's kinda sad that so much male attention is shallow and transactional. Anyone else noticed this?

I am now in my 60s. I recall an overnight sudden ageing in my early to mid 40s. Men no longer looked at me in ‘that way’. For a while, I was invisible. Now that I am older, ironically, I am more visible - because I make it that way. I chat to men, all ages, with a complete lack of self consciousness. There is no tension. However, there are days where I get patronised, with both men and women saying ‘Oh bless … ‘ Even my GP said it recently. I get that more than my fellow friend 60 pluses. I think it is because I have a round face and am not very tall, I basically look soft. Whereas my friends are taller and more angular. I really loathe being patronised. I also think that I am now very forgettable. Put me in a crowd and I would recede. Mind you, I have always felt like that. Now, I do not care …

Me too - I find it a mix of disturbing and amusing to see the change. It’s depressing to realise just how much some mens attitude changes towards women based on their appearance. I’ve found that a few pounds of (perceived) weight makes an incremental difference. I want to ask them sometimes if they realise what they’re doing.

I've never been good looking yet I've noticed this the last couple of yrs.Im mid 50s.
My dhs attitude is the worst.He admits I have a great figure yet treats me poorly now I have wrinkles.
He is older so now the lack of sex drive and aging makes me a less appealing person.
That said a couple of men were staring at me shopping yesterday.
I agree confidence and working out probably gets some attention whatever age.
Personally I prefer a man's attitude than just appearance any day.

I do notice this, and I really am not bothered. I did notice when I went to Paris a couple of years ago that there were men roughly my age (early 50s) who were checking me out, which never happens in the UK and I was quite surprised.

Love it, at 45, didn't want checking out in my teens, twenties and thirties it just made me uncomfortable. Love my forties. Helps my DH still checks me out.

It's the way things are sadly. Lots of women are the same in that an ugly guy will be seen as a sex pest in the same situation where a hunk's attention would be flattering.

Men go for looks and women often go for money. There's currently a thread in AIBU where a female poster is debating marrying a guy who loves her just for financial stability despite not fancying him at all.

I've always had a resting bitch face so have never had any male attention. Now late 50s still single. Still don't get any attention. From what I read on the relationships board I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

I’ll be totally honest - I’ve noticed this too and it affected my confidence far more than I thought it would. I’ve always been “accessibly pretty” (not stunning, but approachable 😂) and I took my relationships with men as normal. Now I’m older and suddenly having to argue my case at work, defend my work, etc

I think I’ve been somewhat cushioned as most of my close friendships are with gay men and lesbian women, who have not changed at all. But it has been a big eye opener for me at 40, some of the men who have championed my career have literally disappeared

@whatisforteamum that your dh treats you differently due to a few wrinkles is appalling! why are you staying with this man??

It's pretty gross how most of us get catcalled the most before the age of 20, generally seems to happen the most around age 14-18. Seems to be an almost universal thing when you ask most women when they stopped being catcalled. Yuk.

Same here. Ever have regrets about being single? read the relationships board. Granted it skews towards the bad ones because no-one in a good one posts there, but some of the things women endure from a man...😮

Well I don't get cat-called anymore, which is great. But I think I'm turning into the sort of "older" woman (mid 40s) that younger men quite fancy, and men in general are still nice to and interested in me. I notice more and more that younger women can't be bothered with me or find me quite boring though, or have written me off as "just a mum" that they've got nothing in common with. I'm thinking of women I work with. I find that pretty depressing.

I notice more and more that younger women can't be bothered with me or find me quite boring though, or have written me off as "just a mum" that they've got nothing in common with. I'm thinking of women I work with. I find that pretty depressing

Late 60s and noticed this at exjob (altho TBF in just my department, not the company as a whole) where both men and women colleagues treated me as someone, as you say, to be nice to and be interested in and talk to. It's been years since I reacted to men as any sort of romantic prospect, so perhaps they pick up that that vibe isn't there and react accordingly - they can respond without that background pressure.

I really haven't, at least not in a negative way.

If anything I have more male friends now in my 50s than I ever have and plenty of respect in the workplace.

I don't turn heads, but I never did. I think maybe women who notice this change so much are those who (subconsciously?) relied on their looks to make their way in life when they were younger.

@Overdemanding it's a bit much to suggest that attractive women subconsciously use it to get ahead in life. Whilst this may be true for SOME women I think it's more likely people notice it because you are definitely being treated differently to before. I'd also like to add that attractive women are often treated as stupid or patronised or even singled out as "bitchy" and treated accordingly so it's not all "good" attention.

We know being attractive does help people (men and women) get on in life. If attractive women notice a big change in attitudes as they age, it's surely quite likely that it's because their looks were getting them the things that are missing as they fade?

Women who never had/used this benefit will notice the change less.

The women who needed to find other ways to get ahead have also, probably, by middle age developed more enduring ways to get the attention required that perhaps attractive women didn't need. No one's right or wrong, it's no one's fault.

@Overdemanding I am not doubting that being attractive helps some women get ahead but I have also experienced the opposite - being patronised, treated as stupid or an airhead which in and of itself is not helpful.

Your suggestion of women "using" their looks to get ahead (even if subconsciously) I felt needed calling out as I think it's a sexist generalisation even if true that some women do.

I don't think you can avoid it though. Being an attractive women does bring "pretty priveledge". It would be hard not to use it.

Yes. And confirmation that many of those men treated you more favourably because of an ulterior motive.

For every 'privilege' of being pretty though, there is a downside, which the concept of 'pretty privilege' willfully refuses to acknowledge. Not all attention is positive. Ask any above average looking woman if it's nice to be leched over, cat called, wolf whistled, constantly chatted up, groped, etc and all will tell you that it's horrible. So yes, being attractive may be more likely to get you a job, for instance, or get the guy you fancy to fancy you back, but there are some serious downsides too.

Yup, much the same for me.
It's quite refreshing really, I'm way better at sussing out nice men.

I definitely used my looks to get stuff as a younger woman. And I took it for granted that men liked me and would help me with whatever whenever. Bit of a shock at around 40 !
I don't mind men not falling over themselves to do things for me, but I realised that quite a few men will be actually quite hostile in manner to older women ( past what they consider the fuckable years). That's been eye opening - how many men don't actually like women at all, unless they fancy them. At least it's easier to weed out the arseholes now.

I got constantly harassed until late 20’s, since then men have treated me the same, I’m 54 now.
It was ridiculous when I was in my 20’s, I got asked out or chatted up every day, I hated it.

I used to get a lot of attention from men in my teens, 20s and early 30s but then put on a lot of weight thanks to depression/fertility treatment/pregnancy and the attention lessened dramatically.

I’m now in my early 40s and have lost a lot of weight this year (not ‘slim’ yet but back in the socially acceptable weight bracket it seems) and the attention is returning. Not just from men either - I’m amazed by how much nicer people are to me in general, from parents on the school run that I have known for years to sales assistants in shops. Even family members I see rarely are now visibly warmer when I do. I find it all very depressing, as if I was worth less when I was fat even though I am still the same person I always was.

So, for me, getting older has made little difference to how I am treated but weight changes definitely have.