Explaining surrogacy to kids when I'm anti surrogacy

[Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife]

Apologies for the clunky title. We have just found out a member of extended family is expecting via surrogate. I am deeply deeply uncomfortable with this, but I'm capable of keeping my views to myself ( forever more?) But how on earth do I explain surrogacy to my own kids?
I'm not anti this new baby who is due any day, I'm not anti this family member. But I very strongly disagree with the route they have chosen to take.
My dd in particular (12) is going to watch me very closely and ask how I REALLY feel. We have age appropriate feminist discussions all the time. How do I discuss this with her?

If she’s 12, can’t you just be honest with your feelings? Are you worried that she’ll repeat what you’ve said to the family member?

Thanks for your reply. Yes and yes! I can be honest, but I'm definitely afraid she will repeat what I say. Also this baby will be a member of our family, and I don't want her to look at the baby as.... I don't know what? Not real? Different? That's mostly what I'm afraid of. I can accept and love a new baby and I can separate the circumstances of it's birth. I'm not sure a 12 year old will he able to.

Talk to her honestly. It's ok to say you don't agree with people in your family.

Wait until she asks questions and answer honestly in an age appropriate way.

Eg if she asks what surrogacy is then you explain factually what it is, but not give your opinion. If she asks your opinion then you tell her and explain that people have different opinions on moral issues.

At 12 she is getting to an age where it's ok to learn that different people have different views on moral issues.

I didn't know that surrogacy was a moral issue.

You didn't realise the question of using women's bodies for reproductive labour and creating babies to deliberately separate them from the only mother they know would be a moral issue?

I'd just tell her the truth. The baby will be just as much a member of your family as any baby adopted at birth would be.

I think this sounds like the most sensible approach.

Just keep it factual: "Not everyone can physically have a baby so they choose this as an option. There are complex implications, so it's not for everyone, but ultimately it's an individual choice."

I wouldn't try to make up her mind for her. Give her the facts and ask how she feels. If she asks what you think: "luckily we didn't have to make that decision, the pros and cons are xyz. How would you feel about it?"

I don't think that really works when there are lots of people who are using women to have their babies for them because they don't want to carry a pregnancy (female celebs) or because they can't (male celebs).

I think at 12, she's old enough for you to disclose your disquiet.

Thanks so much for your replies, it's really helping to tease it out. We just found out last night and I think they're planning a big announcement today so tbh I was a bit panicked. Brilliant advice here which I will use. Keep it factual. Answer questions asked. She is a smart 12, able to think critically ( I think) I'm always honest with her but I suppose that doesn't mean I have to pour my heart out. I have you lot for that 😁

👍

This is a difficult one but could it be framed as a choice, and that we don't know what choices the surrogate mother has before her?

So adoption and surrogacy and fostering are potentially available to the commissioning parents/family members and the surrogate mother would have entered into the agreement because she 'chose' to but we don't know her reasons why.

At 12 she can ask questions of the family members herself and if she is inquisitive she may ask them of the couple directly and not of you as it wasn't your choice or decision, it was theirs.

You can present it neutrally and if she has more questions she can ask them of those she knows who are involved.

I find this quite interesting. If your daughter was ever to have fertility issues in the future and unable to carry a child but desperately wanted a biological child instead of adoption - would you feel differently? Yes people using surrogacy when they are reproductively healthy is a moral dilemma but for those who have problems it should not be an issue.

No I wouldn't. I say that as someone who went through years of infertility.

No one is entitled to a child. As sad as that is, sometimes nature doesn't play ball. That doesn't mean I (or anyone else) can use another woman to achieve that.

Another thought OP, or another entry point, is how surrogacy is banned in other countries and why.

It is made available through a government's law so you could widen it out to it being a moral issue in society rather than a personal one with the people you know who are doing it.

It will certainly be an interesting topic for teenagers to explore as they learn about the world and where liens are drawn. I can understand why surrogacy agencies want to normalise it further in PSHE lessons.

Whose genetic and biological child is it? The surrogates?

Nope, I'd feel exactly the same.

My principles don't change if I'm personally affected

That’s a shame. My sister was a surrogate for my younger sister and they were both so happy with the experience. Unfortunately as I had complications with the birth of my son it would have been higher risk so she was a better choice to surrogate. I would have loved to can’t can’t imagine a greater gift to give to someone.

@Clymene @Twizbe really interesting to hear all the different view points. Out of interest do you feel the same way about IVF?

So you couldn't risk it but your younger sister could? Was your younger sister also the younger sister of the sister she had a baby for?

I had fertility issues. Very long road to my babies. But never did I consider renting the womb of a woman who is more than likely in a poorer financial & power position than me. And thats not even to mention the impact on the baby of being taken from their mother at birth.
In my opinion it is never ok.

If she's 12, I presume she covers ethics a bit at school?

So you can go through the reasons a person may take this decision, and the counterpoint of why others disagree with it. Plus the different types and their particular ethical issues (international, commercial and altruistic).

But basically... some people feel the end product (a baby in a loving family) justify the process but others don't. But none of its the babys fault.

@29052022J I think your example here of a truly altruistic form of surrogacy where the child stays within the family is the only version I could consider acceptable, but it’s really not the typical/standard model for surrogacy these days.

IVF is totally different, you don’t need to use another woman’s body.