Explaining surrogacy to kids when I'm anti surrogacy

[Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife]

Apologies for the clunky title. We have just found out a member of extended family is expecting via surrogate. I am deeply deeply uncomfortable with this, but I'm capable of keeping my views to myself ( forever more?) But how on earth do I explain surrogacy to my own kids?
I'm not anti this new baby who is due any day, I'm not anti this family member. But I very strongly disagree with the route they have chosen to take.
My dd in particular (12) is going to watch me very closely and ask how I REALLY feel. We have age appropriate feminist discussions all the time. How do I discuss this with her?

No I offered but but as my older sister had two complication free births my sister chose to go with her. If she wanted another child and my other sister did not want to surrogate again I would be happy to go through with the surrogate pregnancy. I know people think it’s weird but honestly it was a good experience for both. I don’t agree with surrogacy where women in poverty find it’s their only choice to make money. But a lot of things in this day and age are a moral dilemma - lots of people on MN suggesting abortion when women have surprise pregnancies at a later age or after 3/4 children and they can’t afford anymore.

I also did not know there were such thoughts against surrogacy. With absolutely no judgement from me, what are the main viewpoints against surrogacy? Genuinely interested.

It might not be typical, we were lucky in my family that it worked and not the usual surrogacy dynamic. Yes it can be a form of abuse in many countries but I don’t think all surrogates in the UK are doing it out of financial desperation.

I think this is how I feel about it now. I did have a friend offer to be a surrogate when she knew I had fertility issues and I told her that was the nicest thing anyone had said but also I could never accept that, what if something bad happened to her and that’s not to mention all the standard pregnancy pain and issues she’d be put through and then what if she wanted to keep the baby but didn’t feel she could… so if I couldn’t accept it of my friend, how could I give a poor stranger money to face the same issues. In any event that wasn’t needed for me, we had unexplained infertility but were so lucky to have success with our second embryo transfer.

I truly feel for anyone who has ashermans or other womb issues, I wouldn’t wish the pain of infertility on anyone, but sadly I can’t agree morally with surrogacy.

Abortion isn't a moral dilemma.

Gosh, really? It’s a hugely moral issue.

Just explain the facts. They’re are a lot of things I don’t agree with, the Monarchy for example, but I can explain the facts to children without giving my personal opinion.

@Bilbot I would say it is, MN is riddled with threads on women in this position and unsure if they can go through with termination. Whilst of course it should be a form of healthcare available to women it definitely plays on a woman’s moral compass if she would go through with termination (in many cases, not all)

A lot of surrogates are poor women with brown skin in poor countries carrying babies for rich white people. Often they are separated from their families while they are pregnant forced to live in a group home with other pregnant surrogates.

There was the case with the twins an Australian couple were expecting, when one was born with Down Syndrome the couple left this child with the poor brown mother in a 3rd world country.

A child has a right to know who their parents are / were.

If you adopt you have to go through a lot of checks, on the other hand a paedophile can travel abroad, give a sperm sample and have a baby they collect 9 months later.

Pregnancy can cause damage to a woman's body, mostly it is stretch marks but it can be problems with your heart or even death.

It isn't a right to have a child, they are not possessions you can buy and swap.

Quite apart from the issue of hiring women's bodies, with all the research into antenatal bonding and babies' experiences in late pregnancy, surrogacy means babies' very first ex utero experience is traumatic separation.

@kikisparks
IVF sometimes uses donor eggs or donor sperm. So the woman who carries the baby to term is not necessarily genetically related to the child.

OP, I feel the same as you about surrogacy.

Just explain what surrogacy is, at 12 there's no need to bring up the moral/political arguments just facts.

Surrogacy is when another woman carries the baby for a person as an arrangement, you can start to elaborate with details of this exact situation eg they couldn't have a baby because it's a gay couple/medical treatment in the past if relevant. The child has done nothing wrong and will exist so you are write in separating the two things

‘Not real’?
Check yourself OP.

But that’s also the same with adoption.

@29052022J

Altruistic surrogacy within a family or very close friends I think of quite differently to commercial surrogacy myself. There's actually nothing new about it either - I read an account of a woman who kept loosing babies around 10 weeks gestation and in the end her husband by arrangement got her sister (who already had children) pregnant and the sister handed the baby over but all the records were falsified to hide that the sister gave birth, thus was back in the days of home births

Indeed it is.

@SunshineAndFizz that's a good question. I did have a huge internal struggle with IVF. We would have been able to use our own gametes. I struggled with the idea that the child might never have meant to be. It's really hard to articulate but IVF was not a simple yes for me either.

In the end I was lucky and didn't need it. When TTC my second I took it off the table before we even started.

For other people (where donor eggs aren't used) im not as against it. Though I strongly dislike 'big fertility' that prays on vulnerable women.

It’s also the same if your baby spends 2 months in a NICU incubator

Very true. Do you know anyone who would do that on purpose?

@Kranke it is, yet with adoption and fostering in this country, the further experiences of the child are likely to be even more traumatic. Children are not taken at birth unless there are very very very serious concerns.

@29052022J and again, no one would choose that. Those babies are very poorly and the risk of the separation trauma is less that the physical risk of not doing it.

Creating a baby to just remove them from their birth mother is not the same.

No I offered but but as my older sister had two complication free births my sister chose to go with her.

There was no guarantee that your younger sister would have a third uncomplicated pregnancy and birth so both your sisters took that risk. I'm glad that your younger sister wasn't harmed and didn't experience any difficulty at all in pregnancy or labour for the sake of her older sister. I'm also glad that your niece or nephew will know the circumstance that lead to him or her being there. Surrogacy in families is often more honest and open from the beginning.

Did your younger sister carry the pregnancy with her own egg or was an embryo implanted? Did your other sister experience any problems with the IVF drugs to gather eggs?

True and there are ethical issues with both of those as well, but own egg and sperm IVF is not an ethical issue.

No but my son was, however I didn’t intend for him to end up in there. I don’t think that if the baby is going to loving parents it should be such an issue. I haven’t looked into studies on surrogate babies and what the traumatic after effects are, maybe there are lots out there. Maybe I’ll check with my niece who loves her parents and is a happy, wonderful child.

Keep it short and basic. You can also add that you respect their choice but entitled to your own opinion.

I think in time she will see that even though you are anti surrogacy you can still love the baby and respectfully agree to disagree. After all to each his own.