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Feminism: chat

AIBU for not understanding the whole manosphere hatred and blame of women?

53 replies

circewoof · 21/07/2022 15:55

Recently I've been drawen into looking at and listening to some manosphere / MRA stuff online and I'm honestly baffled by it.

Much of it seems fulled by men who feel rejected by women or who had bitter divorces. They make a lot of the fact that only men can be drafted in the US, that more men commit suicide than women, that boys are failing educationally none of which is women's fault. They then complain about divorce laws and child custody. I persoanlly do not support the draft, I do think that services for mental health and to tackle male suicide should be improved / better funded and that boys failure in education should be investigated and methods found to help boys thrive in school. However I don't think women are responsible for mens suicides, mental health issues or life failures.

I don't have much experience of divorce in my circles are only one uncle of mine got divorced after his kids were adults so I can't say as much to that but the manosphere would have you believe that women marry a "beta male" for financial support while potentially raising another "alpha males" child. Then at some point (because she never really loved you) she will divorce you. They actually had a podcast with a male psychologist, sympathetic to the red pill ideology talking to Rollo Tomasi (one of their Guru's) about divorce and hypergamy and that psychologist who sees couples as a therapist said that he never sees that dynamic and that usually when women initiate divorce its long term issues such as substance abuse, cheating, abusive behaviour etc ongoing for many years without any serious attempt to get help or recover on the part of the man. In the case he used to illustrate that the woman only divorced her husband after he was sexually inappropriate to their teenage daughter while drunk. However in the comments the men who listened to this were saying that the man only became an alcoholic because his wife drove him to it, and that her divorcing him was still her being "hypergamous" because as an alcoholic / molestor he was no longer his best self, she felt she could do better and wanted to trade up. They ignore the fact that often after a marriage and divorce of that nature woman never want to remarry or even have another live in relationship, many prefer boyfriend they see a few times a week or even to remain single.

It feels like anything a woman does in their eyes will be twisted to fit one of their theories and used as proof of how terrible women are. They seem to hate women so much and yet are obsessed with women. They hate us, don't see us as fully human or capable of love or reason but they want us as sexual objects and (unpaid) domestic servents. Now women get to a point where we can say no, I'd rather be alone than with an abusive asshole who hates me and uses me they have a total meltdown, the world is going to end, civiallisation will collapse all because nobody will touch their weenie.

I actually read a comment on a youtube video that for a man the experience of unrequited love or desire is worse than the experience of rape for a woman! Its like for them a woman rejecting them is literal violence towards them.

The things they complain about like male suicide / educational failure / lack of father figures / the draft, none of that is womens fault but they paint it like feminisim is a zero sum game and therefore women have to get back into their box as subservient wives and mothers and give up frivolous ideas like education and careers or staying single. Its all so transparent but they like to claim they are so rational and logical and that only men like them can save the world but what are they actually doing, nothing is stopping any of them from going out into the world and doing amazing things except that they are spending all this energy on hating women.

They accuse women of solipsism when they try to argue against their theories but fail to see that their ideologies are a perfect example of a solipsistic argument. They conflate anecdotal with empirical evidence, continually misure and misrepresent statistics and other studies, rely on discredited science and otherwise lack awareness of anything outside the narrow confines of their hateful ideology.

I just don't get it?

OP posts:
Adelishious · 22/07/2022 13:33

I think you'll find very few who actually want that, and let's be fair, how many of of us have wished we could have partners that were more subservient at one time or another?

From what I can gather much of the incel groups are just fed up of how easy the majority of women have it these days, in the UK anyway. In that respect I can understand some of their issues, we've never really known hardship and the new generation are of the mindset they'll get by without a man as the government will help them so theyre annoyed they don't get the opportunity to show their value.... I think that's the gist anyway

Elsiebear90 · 22/07/2022 13:50

They resent women because they feel entitled to us and we won’t give them what they want (sex and/or relationships), they refuse to accept they’re the problem so instead take out their anger and resentment on women and males they view as “undeserving” of the women they have relationships with.

I think that ultimately they are resentful of the fact that they are dependent on women (for love and sex) and they can’t get that (because of their awful personalities or lack of social skills or unrealistic expectations) so instead turn on women and try to convince themselves they’re better off without us anyway.

DillAte · 22/07/2022 14:02

The manosohere, by design, attracts men who are not successful with women.
I think the vast majority of such men go in, take the the obvious general advice (being "nice" is irrelevant, talking to people, projecting confidence and being reasonably well groomed will lead to you encountering more people who find you attractive etc.) and leave.

You end up with the hopeless stalwarts who can't/won't effect any positive change and spend their days shit talking women because they probably genuinely haven't had many (if any) positive, romantic encounters with women.

When you talk about men who treat their partners poorly, it's sort of irrelevant. These aren't the types of men who are drawn to the manosphere by definition because they are able to attract women.

That said, you're probably better off asking these questions on manosphere forums if you want a real insight. You're probably even more better off ignoring that section of the internet entirely.

Echobelly · 22/07/2022 14:09

I saw a great comment on how boys are not told how to be men, but they are brought up with a lot of being told how not to be like women, which is the worst thing they could possibly be. While at the same time being told they have to have lots of sex with lots of women, ideally beautiful ones. Not surprising some of their feelings about women are messed up.

Also, men used to have a very set position in the world of power over women, and though that's not so overtly the case (although patriachal power is still totally the norm underneath everything) a lot of men see these superficial signs of equality and are vulnerable to reading it as 'the oppression of men'. More for women must mean less for them.

It seems to me that all of the things they complain about as being 'because of feminism' - men having dangerous jobs, women getting awarded custody of children more often, male depression - are in fact the result of patriarchy.

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 14:17

I also think feminism often conflates ambition and achievement with power & oppression. It must be so disheartening to young men to see the constant application of the message that anything a women wants to accomplish and acheieve is ok but young white men are o seen as following the patriarchy and wrong to have strong ambition. I think its easy to overlook how much a demoralising effect that can have.

Zuve · 22/07/2022 14:21

The truth is men moan and women get on with it.

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 14:31

I think there are many who would argue the opposite. Being a women I can say that we aren't innocent on the moaning front.

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 14:35

@Echobelly it's sad you feel that patriarchal power is under everything. I think this is a term that women have had jammed down their throats and so unquestioningly just believe. I've yet to any evidence for that whatsoever. And if that's the case what's the alternative, matriarchal power? If these powers are so bad it's hardly going to improve things though.

LaughingPriest · 22/07/2022 14:41

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 14:31

I think there are many who would argue the opposite. Being a women I can say that we aren't innocent on the moaning front.

Be honest - are you the same poster who used to post on FWR some time ago when people commented on the idiosyncratic use of "a women" in lots of posts? It's an odd coincidence otherwise.

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 14:44

Because I admitted to moaning? I think this must be a total coincidence, I don't even know what FWR is nevermind ever having posted there

LaughingPriest · 22/07/2022 14:47

No, because of the idiosyncratic term you used! How was that not clear?!

CPL593H · 22/07/2022 14:54

FWR is Feminism and Women's Rights. The section that you are currently posting in, @Adelishious

Adelishious · 22/07/2022 15:21

@LaughingPriest it was actually a spelling error *woman

I see I havnt been a member of MN long, last time I was on here was in 2013 so I really couldn't remember what I posted back then I couldn't even remember my username.

Echobelly · 22/07/2022 16:02

@Adelishious - I used to think that talking about the patriarchy was over the top, that other women moaned too much, all this sexism and harrasment had never happened to me etc, so they must be exaggerating. Then I shut up and listened to other women's experiences and yes, it is a thing and it's not as melodramatic as it sounds.

I don't think the alternative to a patriarchy is a matriarchy, it's more balanced then that. Is it achievable? Honestly, I don't know.

And as for proof of a patriarchy, I think about when people say things like 'Women have equal rights here, at least you don't live in Saudi Arabia, you should be grateful!'

Well, hang on. If we have equal rights, why is there some power we should we be grateful to? Surely our rights should be unequestionably the same as men's in an equal society and impossible to take away. No one ever says that men, or white people should be 'grateful' for the rights they have. Because there's no realistic likelihood of their rights ever being taken away by those in power because of their gender or race.

As the US has shown with the overturning of Roe v Wade, women's rights can be taken away and there are people heavily invested in removing and doubling down on this - and that's Patriarchy (or some of it). It doesn't have to be men enforcing it, women can 'do' patriarchy too, and generally get to positions of power, certainly on the Right, by kowtowing to it.

Adelishious · 24/07/2022 19:41

We have 'human rights', that is the only proof required to show neither sex has more rights than the other.

PacketOfPolos · 24/07/2022 21:22

Hi OP I think this in your first post is the point-

'they want us as sexual objects and (unpaid) domestic servents'

And all the rest of it is attempting to justify that desire/ belief/ attitude, mainly to others who think that way as well.

On the many issues that men around the world do face, I've noticed that those who raise those things in order to argue that men are oppressed etc, never actually know much about them or are doing anything to try to help. My personal experience online there, not universal I'm sure but interesting I think.

PacketOfPolos · 24/07/2022 21:36

Adelishious I don't understand the human rights point. The universal declaration of Human rights is written down obviously but it's existence doesn't mean everything it contains happens in real life.

Around the world there's plenty of examples where women don't have the same rights as men, in fact loads of the things in the declaration get broken all the time all over the place.

WudYouSayItInRealLife · 24/07/2022 21:54

OP
Recently I've been drawen into looking at and listening to some manosphere / MRA stuff online and I'm honestly baffled by it

Why on earth would you bother reading stuff like that 😅😅😅. There is a lot of ways to spend you time on the internet and I am sure you could find something more interesting.

Crazykatie · 24/07/2022 22:21

Im not sure how many young men scan Mumsnet because I have to say that the tone of this thread is going to make young men worse, and discourage them committing to relationships at all.
As for them needing women - they don’t, the vast majority spend 8 or 10 yrs single fending for themselves, then again after a divorce.

NoToLandfill · 24/07/2022 22:38

Well they blame women for everything. Everything. And also seem to hate us. Don't like that type of man much.

PacketOfPolos · 24/07/2022 22:53

Looking at the global and historical situation is interesting with this topic.

Various religious, societal, legal means have been in place commonly in the past, and still are across loads of the world. That position man as head of household, women and children as belongings, or at least lesser. Girls and young women being married whether they want that or not. I mean all the stuff we all know the history and the situation in various places around the world.

The idea that wanting women/ girls as possessions for sex and work in house/ farm etc is niche and new doesn't hold with even a brief glance around the world/ into the past.

PacketOfPolos · 24/07/2022 23:03

The resentment towards women from 'normal' nice family type men, when you scratch the surface, is pretty shocking. In my experience at work anyway. Loads of men only semi-consciously think women have it easy, men have to jump through hoops all the time- invisible secret hoops- one false move and boom! women can and will do <unspecified things in unspecified ways relating to HR> that will have <unspecified negative impact and it's never happened, whatever it is>

Crazykatie · 25/07/2022 06:59

It’s not one sided for sure,I have 2 nephews - brothers, in my judgement one is a pig, and treats his girlfriends like dirt, discards one then picks up another whenever he wants, there is no shortage of women available for casual sex
His brother is the opposite a nice guy who married and has 4 kids, he chose the wrong woman who was difficult from day one, he pays his child Maintenence and endures the continual hassle over shared custody. Life is hard for his ex and it’s all her own fault

Feminism is going to fail because it’s much easier for men to live without support/commitment, the more men are demonized the worse it will get

Fairislefandango · 25/07/2022 08:26

Im not sure how many young men scan Mumsnet because I have to say that the tone of this thread is going to make young men worse, and discourage them committing to relationships at all.
As for them needing women - they don’t, the vast majority spend 8 or 10 yrs single fending for themselves, then again after a divorce.

Well if those kinds of men are discouraged from committing to relationships - good! They are no great loss to potential female partners, are they? MN is littered with women who married misogynist arseholes whom they might have avoided if the misogynist arseholes had sworn off women.

As for men not needing women... well no, they don't. Neither do women need men. If everyone decided that staying single was better than settling for someone who is prejuduced and has a low opinion of them, the world would be a happier place.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 25/07/2022 17:08

@circewoof Reading why women are blamed for everything was really helpful for me. I think you're right about (the men on that sort of board) not seeing us as fully human. And whilst I think there is are some societal problems involved in creating their entitlement and leaving it largely unchallenged I still think it a men's problem that men can and should fix.

@Adelishious "I don't feel anyone wants to literally go back and have women be subservient." My guess is either that you don't notice it or you live in a very different world than I do but I can promise you a significant minority of men do want just that, and they can 'punish' in a wide variety of ways if they don't get the 'respect' they feel entitled to from women.