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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Experiences of men behaving badly: want to share

60 replies

NewPage · 15/10/2021 14:33

Just reflecting on all the recent press about misogyny and male violence against women. The argument many men give is that they are not like that, though don’t understand what ‘like that means’. So the new campaign out in Scotland is a refreshing change.

My experiences from age 5:

  • on way to toilet age 5, man is trespassing in school with his penis in his hand. I am alone and he asks me where the toilets are and can I take him. Later, during police interview female officer tells me off for referring to his penis as a willy and not using the proper word, penis. I am 5 years old.
  • on school bus, age 8. Lorry driver out of window starts to mouth the word ‘f#ck’ and miming kisses at me.
  • age 16 on a night out, man rubs against me on the dance floor with his erect penis. Kept following me around and wouldn’t leave me.
  • age 20 at a party and my female friend tells me someone asking for me upstairs. I go up and there is a guy we know who them locks door and says he won’t open it unless I kiss him.
  • age 27, news get backs to me that a guy at work in a management position tells everyone he doesn’t like me and is going to make my life (at work) hard
  • age 35, group of us talking about violence against women and male in group says we’ve nothing to worry about because we’re a bit old so no one would bother us

These are all just everyday experiences that come to mind. Others too but I wanted to share. What has happened to you? Why don’t you share? Sending everyone hugs xx

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/10/2021 23:43

Horrible experiences, NewPage. I sympathise. Most of the sexual abuse in my life happened when I was a child or teenager (not family members, thank god). Some in 20s-40s but much less.

One advantage of ageing, I thought. Then I met a woman whose aunt in her 80s was raped by a man who broke into her house. The aunt was deeply traumatised, life ruined really. The niece was now living with her to care for her.

Eggsdancing · 15/10/2021 23:46

eugh like this is the billionth man-hating thread. Change the record already. We get it, men can be dicks but then look on mn, women aren't great either.

Whataboutye88 · 15/10/2021 23:58

@Eggsdancing ‘change the record already’. That’s EXACTLY the point. That it’s time to ‘change the record’ and stop accepting the misogyny and abuse as something that women should just tolerate. If a step towards that is discussing the abuse one has personally experienced on an anonymous forum, it seems like a pretty good place to start. If you chose to see that as ‘man hating‘ that’s your prerogative.

Eggsdancing · 16/10/2021 00:00

You are missing the point. My point is it's the billionth thread here on this-we get it, it's just the same repetitive stuff over and over.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/10/2021 00:04

@Eggsdancing this thread is about sharing instances of men behaving badly.

Eggsdancing · 16/10/2021 00:06

I get that but like there is a thread on this every 2nd day, what else can we say?

Notmydaughteryoubitch · 16/10/2021 00:18

Ignoring @Eggsdancing in an attempt to get this thread back on track talking about our own experiences of being hurt by men.

1995 - my dad calling me a slut, a slag and a whore
1998 - my boss introducing me to the sales rep as "Notmy is the new office junior, she is good at IT and has great tits". I believe he later went onto spike my drink and rape me at a Christmas party.
2006 flashed and wanked at by man in Rome
So many more, being catcalled, belittled and patronised but those are the ones that stick out to me at this time.
I think it is perfectly reasonable for us to articulate our experiences of hurt at male hands. I work in a field where I consistently see women and children hurt, harmed and raped by men. I am so done with NAMALT - if you have a penis and you're not furious and fighting to fix the problem then you are absolutely part of it.

Original poster
NewPage · 16/10/2021 16:50

Thank you for those who have also shared. Whilst it may seem to some like ‘another man hating post’, this is actually the first time I have ever shared the experiences I have had like this.
I didn’t start this because I hate men, far from it. There are plenty of men who would be as upset and angry as us at the experiences we are documenting and may well have their own experiences of abuse and violence they have experienced.
However, the recent acceptance in the media and in general that these horrible things happen and shouldn’t be laughed off or seen as ‘boys being boys’ has made some of use braver and given us strength to share the experiences in an anonymous forum. This is not only therapeutic, but also validating.
To dismiss this so crassly as you have done @Eggsdancing comes across as lacking empathy and misses the point. The thread isn’t about hating men, it’s about sharing experiences in a safe space.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewPage · 16/10/2021 16:52

To all those who have shared their experiences, I am sorry these things happened to you. I hear you and I send you hugs xx

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 16:55

Too many to recount and can't be arsed giving them head space or posting about them

I can also post many experiences about vile behaviour from women over the years. Equally can't be arsed

Fieldings15 · 16/10/2021 16:59

Nothing 'major' but a number of incidents over the years... Probably normal for a woman in her 30s sadly. Multiple catcalls in the street, being told to 'smile' etc. Being ground up against while clubbing/on the tube. Male 'friend' trying to stop me leaving a room at uni because I wouldn't take drugs... Only let me out when one of his friends intervened. Male boss in his 50s telling me he had a sex dream about me... I was 21 and in my first job. Don't think I ever told anyone about any of these....

Anon778833 · 16/10/2021 17:05

Both in the 90s;

When I was about 19 a man at university shouted at me and called me a 'stupid slag' because I objected to him pushing me off my seat in the students union.

I had a Saturday job at HMV where one of the (much older) male employees told me that he had fantasised about raping me.

Various situations of men groping me when I was on nights out.

One that really sticks out - I was working as a waitress in a hotel in Cardiff for the breakfast shift when a nasty, aggressive man walked a long way across the room, past several male waiters to get to me so that he could shout at me about there not being any water on his table. I wasn't even working in his part of the room.

I'm sure there are so many more. It definitely happened much more when I was younger. I wouldn't let them get away with it now. I'm autistic as well so an easier target.

learieonthewildmoor · 16/10/2021 17:58

I don’t want to share all my experiences, just the last one:

  • on a walk on a quiet walking track, came across three men with their penises out. Three!
There’s so many men who have a feeling of entitlement to public space for whatever they want to do. It’s not women who have sex in bushes/flash etc. There are young men who still feel they should have power over women. Sex is still seen as something men do, and women receive- not an equal sharing. How has it not changed yet? Why are women STILL not seen as full humans by so many men?
Anon778833 · 16/10/2021 18:35

There are young men who still feel they should have power over women. Sex is still seen as something men do, and women receive- not an equal sharing.

You are absolutely right. I couldn’t agree more. And this is my experience of relationships with younger men. Not asking you what you’d like to do - telling you that’s what you’re going to do. And porn doesn’t help.

Hilarias · 16/10/2021 20:41

@AliceinBorderland

Too many to recount and can't be arsed giving them head space or posting about them

I can also post many experiences about vile behaviour from women over the years. Equally can't be arsed

Vile sexualised behaviour from women? I doubt it.
AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 23:15

Plenty of women calling other women sluts or slut shaming ove heard over the years. Plenty of comments about other women's clothing over the years by other women.

Plenty of women on here calling each other bitches and cunts.

ssd · 16/10/2021 23:19

Christ who'd be a man these days.

NiceGerbil · 16/10/2021 23:44

@Eggsdancing

You are missing the point. My point is it's the billionth thread here on this-we get it, it's just the same repetitive stuff over and over.
Who is the 'we' you mention, out of interest?
ErrolTheDragon · 16/10/2021 23:50

@ssd

Christ who'd be a man these days.
The many decent guys who don't do these things maybe?
NiceGerbil · 16/10/2021 23:52

I've not seen so many, such strong responses to a thread like this before!

OPs experience at 5 to me is just appalling. Both the man and what was said to her about wrong words.

To see on a thread with hardly any posts. Posters saying variously-

Women do it too
Threads like this are man-hating
Threads like these are common and it's all been said before, so why any more needed
Reading these experiences - massive site so not same posters each time, far from it! Is 'repetitive'.

And I don't understand the who'd be a man comment. What does that mean?

Interesting.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 16/10/2021 23:56

Works both ways
Men can be right cunts
Women can be right cunts
I've had my fill of them over the years but I'll be damned if I'm going to give them any more headspace and thought
The end

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 17/10/2021 00:19

I've been on the receiving end of awful behaviour from men and women over the years but I think there's a big difference.

A woman has never used any sexual abuse or threat against me, given me that fear in the pit of my stomach when I am aware of my vulnerability, and no woman has ever triggered my fight or flight response.

Men on the other hand, have done the following to me:

Shut themselves in a walk in freezer with me and refused to let me out without a kiss

More groping / grinding against me than I can count

Punched me in the face then tried to kick me on the ground because he backed into me while carrying a drink which then spilled on the floor

Followed me and a friend along a street, masturbating and talking about what he wanted to do to us

Screamed in my face because he had tried to pinch my mums bum and I stood in the way and told him to back off

Cornered me at a party, pushed me against a wall and put a hand up my skirt.

Sat opposite me on an almost empty late night train, tried to talk to me, complained I wasn't being friendly enough, shouted verbal abuse at me then attempted to grab me as I got up to move.

Anon778833 · 17/10/2021 01:31

Plenty of women calling other women sluts or slut shaming ove heard over the years. Plenty of comments about other women's clothing over the years by other women.

Plenty of women on here calling each other bitches and cunts.

Internalised misogyny.

Anon778833 · 17/10/2021 01:40

To the people shouting objections about threads like this;

I was on a Facebook discussion, last week about a strip club in my town.

This thread had countless men shouting about how women are equal to them (like they'd know) and saying that there is no need to make misogyny a hate crime but there IS a need to make dislike of men a hate crime. This was a general attitude on the whole thread.

The thread was also full of men saying things like 'fanny in my face, now'. I did actually manage to get Facebook to take them down because they were that bad.

Do you still feel the need to ask why threads like this exist?

NiceGerbil · 17/10/2021 01:44

I don't understand how anyone could read OPs experience when 5yo. And post about insults.

Everyone is different though.