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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Late night thoughts... women changing surnames after marriage

417 replies

FatJan · 02/10/2021 00:44

Not sure if this is the right board as I'm not fully sure where I'm going with this yet! Feels vaguely right, but happy for it to be moved.

Basically, I was scrolling through social media this evening and clicked on a post from a girl I knew at school which had got lots of comments.

As I scrolled down the post, I saw a load of comments from women whose names I didn't recognise.

I thought it was a bit strange I didn't recognise/couldn't remember who they were because the post was about something that happened at the school, and they were all talking as if they'd been there.

Suddenly I realised that I did actually know all of the women - they were all girls from our year.

I hadn't realised because they've all got married and now have their husbands' surnames.

It gave me a weird and not particularly pleasant feeling.

I haven't followed these ladies' lives over the years as they weren't in my close friendship circle, but I remember them well and how they were as children and teenagers.

Something about the fact that the identities they had when they were young no longer exist (on paper anyway) and they all have their husbands' names now made me feel a bit upset, which surprised me.

I'm trying to explore that feeling and I thought writing it down/sharing it might be a good place to start.

Obviously being happily married isn't a bad thing, so I think it's more the (perceived) loss of old identity thing that has given me a jolt, probably linked to the fact that men get to keep theirs.

I think it was also related to the fact it wasn't just one woman with a new name, it was the entire friendship group. It made it seem like the 'thing' to do, and I suppose it is, although I'm not sure how I feel about that. Some of the girls were very outspoken feminist types and to see them all as wives now with their husbands' name was a bit unexpected.

To be honest, I've been very in-my-head with the Sarah and Sabina cases and the ongoing discussions around things women go through that men don't, and this might be impacting the way I responded emotionally to that particular post.

Does the above make sense at all? Has anyone noticed or felt something similar?

OP posts:
postingfortraffichere · 02/10/2021 12:36

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I hate the convention of women changing their names. I do judge, slightly, when women do it. I certainly think less of the husbands of women who I know would prefer not to change their names but they do it anyway. I assume some unpleasant conversation has taken place and she has been coerced somehow. I wish it was a convention that didn't exist. It's ridiculous.
Completely agree with all of your postings @CloseYourEyesAndSee
MonsignorMirth · 02/10/2021 12:45

For those that do judge women who have changed their names, do you judge them as if it was a decision by a potentially young woman at a different time (ie you judge the past person) or do you see it as a continuing choice, eg they've always got the opportunity to change the name back to their maiden name but the fact they haven't means they are still affirming that decision every day?
Not really wording this very well.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/10/2021 12:49

@MonsignorMirth

For those that do judge women who have changed their names, do you judge them as if it was a decision by a potentially young woman at a different time (ie you judge the past person) or do you see it as a continuing choice, eg they've always got the opportunity to change the name back to their maiden name but the fact they haven't means they are still affirming that decision every day? Not really wording this very well.
I guess not. I mean, my mum changed her name in 1980 as she never felt she had a choice. I don't judge her. I have very close friends who changed their names so when I say judge it doesn't mean I respect or like them any less. I just find it incomprehensible in a woman of maturity and sense.
BungleandGeorge · 02/10/2021 12:58

Why is it ok for anyone to judge anyone else for changing their name? It has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else and changes nothing of consequence about the person

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/10/2021 13:07

It's very interesting/ telling that lots of times people mention changing to have the same name as potential children. Why is it that children can't take the mum's surname, and then if men feel strongly about it they can switch? Seems a non-sequitur that women must change if they want to match their kids.

This is why I changed my name, we wanted us all to have the same surname. We discussed double barrelling but I don’t like that. We briefly discussed by husband changing his name to mine but it was very quickly rejected because my maiden name is the same as DH’s first name (it’s not this name but for example, he’d have been Robert Roberts if he’d changed). I’d never have changed my name if it had meant having a name that sounded silly to me, and I didn’t expect DH to either.

Pinkmagic1 · 02/10/2021 13:11

I got married 24 years ago and kept name. It was something I felt strongly about, it was my name and my identity and why should I change it?!
My dh comes from a culture where women don't change their names on marriage, so there was no pressure. Infact, I think on a world wide scale, British women are in the minority changing their names on marriage.

KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 13:29

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

Most people change it so they can have the same name as their kids. (If they have any)
How does that work if parents divorce and both re- marry.

It's a completely illogical reason. My mother married and divorced twice- never changed her surname. My brother and (different fathers) were registered under her surname

I don't understand why women do this or the rush to be called "Mrs".

KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 13:36

@MonsignorMirth

For those that do judge women who have changed their names, do you judge them as if it was a decision by a potentially young woman at a different time (ie you judge the past person) or do you see it as a continuing choice, eg they've always got the opportunity to change the name back to their maiden name but the fact they haven't means they are still affirming that decision every day? Not really wording this very well.
I judge them for changing name. As for being "potentially young" the age for getting married is late 20s and older.

I simply don't understand the reasoning behind this.

Oh and as an aside "maiden name" is a vile, outdated concept. I'm actually shocked on a so- called feminist forum that it's appearing in this thread.

MonsignorMirth · 02/10/2021 13:39

As for being "potentially young" the age for getting married is late 20s and older.

What on earth are you on about?
When you meet someone and find out they changed their name on marriage they could've been any age, even a teen. If I had made that decision at 19, I'd be interested to know if my age was being taken into account with the judging or not.
It's clear some people do a LOT of projecting!

NoNotMeNoSiree · 02/10/2021 13:51

I changed my name on getting married because I wanted to.
I personally don't see why someone would get married and keep their own name (appreciate everyone has different opinions though!)
I mean, getting married is the creation of a family unit, so to me changing my name is part of that.
I don't see it as 'property', yes in the past it was like that but to me not so much nowadays.
Times evolve

postingfortraffichere · 02/10/2021 13:57

@NoNotMeNoSiree

I changed my name on getting married because I wanted to. I personally don't see why someone would get married and keep their own name (appreciate everyone has different opinions though!) I mean, getting married is the creation of a family unit, so to me changing my name is part of that. I don't see it as 'property', yes in the past it was like that but to me not so much nowadays. Times evolve
It's not changing name that's the issue - it's the fact it is the female changing by default. Surely you can see how sexist and problematic that is?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/10/2021 13:58

@NoNotMeNoSiree

I changed my name on getting married because I wanted to. I personally don't see why someone would get married and keep their own name (appreciate everyone has different opinions though!) I mean, getting married is the creation of a family unit, so to me changing my name is part of that. I don't see it as 'property', yes in the past it was like that but to me not so much nowadays. Times evolve
And why wouldn't your husband change his name if that's all it's about? Or create a new name as a family? It's ONLY women who are expected to change their names. Why is that?
KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 14:01

As for being "potentially young" the age for getting married is late 20s and older

What on earth are you on about?

The average age for getting married is late 20s/ early 30s. The average woman getting married isn't some some young girl who might not know any better as someone on here was trying to suggest.

KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 14:03

I personally don't see why someone would get married and keep their own name (appreciate everyone has different opinions though!)

Your husband presumably kept his own name? Can't you see the sheer lack of logic in what you've written?

NoNotMeNoSiree · 02/10/2021 14:13

*closeyoureyesandsee yes, I'm aware of the roots of the name changing, which I referenced in my post you quoted.
As I said though, to me getting married was the creation of a traditional family unit (which is what I wanted, I don't speak for everyone) so I wanted the whole name change, our future kids to have his (our) name too.
*kimikosnightmare I WANTED the traditional marriage.
Including name change.
I've said I know about the background of why the man and not the woman traditionally change their name.
Why assume it bothers me if its what I want, or unable to see logic when I've said I want the traditional set up?

EdgeOfTheSky · 02/10/2021 14:14

@FuckingFlumps
It's odd to assume these days that a women didn't make a conscious choice about what name they would use

Personally I don’t necessarily assume that. It is clear from MN threads that people do think about it and choose their DH’s name for a variety of reasons.

From these threads we also see that lots of women didn’t think about it, just worn along with tradition, and sometimes regret that.

But in the end, however much thought, and whatever the reason, deciding in the end to take a man’s name, in an unequal traditional framework, is not the feminist decision, it is some other decision. A good one, no doubt, Just don’t pretend it is feminist. Because it hasn’t challenged the status quo.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/10/2021 14:21

deciding in the end to take a man’s name, in an unequal traditional framework, is not the feminist decision, it is some other decision. A good one, no doubt, Just don’t pretend it is feminist. Because it hasn’t challenged the status quo.

Sure it is challenging the “status quo” by it’s very existence as a choice. The status quo was woman changes her name, no choice, make it so.
Feminism is not about woman must do opposite or not feminist. Feminism is about women’s equality and with equality the freedom to make her own choices.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/10/2021 14:26

@NoNotMeNoSiree

*closeyoureyesandsee yes, I'm aware of the roots of the name changing, which I referenced in my post you quoted. As I said though, to me getting married was the creation of a traditional family unit (which is what I wanted, I don't speak for everyone) so I wanted the whole name change, our future kids to have his (our) name too. *kimikosnightmare I WANTED the traditional marriage. Including name change. I've said I know about the background of why the man and not the woman traditionally change their name. Why assume it bothers me if its what I want, or unable to see logic when I've said I want the traditional set up?
That's fine if that's what you wanted but why would you say you don't understand why anyone would get married and NOT change their name? Especially when by 'anyone' you mean 'any woman'
KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 14:28

Have we had the old stand- by of "his name is just so much nicer than mine?"

Funny how it's always the woman who is lumbered with a terrible surname.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/10/2021 14:29

@KimikosNightmare

Have we had the old stand- by of "his name is just so much nicer than mine?"

Funny how it's always the woman who is lumbered with a terrible surname.

Many times on this thread already
MrsR87 · 02/10/2021 14:30

I’m quite shocked that I would be judged by some of you for taking my husband’s name.

It was something I really wanted to do because to me it signifies that we are now a team. It also signified the start of our married lives together and the journey we would go on as a partnership! I know that goes against the archaic meaning but that’s how I feel about it and that’s how our relationship works.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 02/10/2021 14:31

Feminism is about women's equality and with equality the freedom to make her own choices
This
Completely agree.
Women judging other women on their choices is Hmm as well.
We're either independent free thinkers of our own or we're not.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 02/10/2021 14:32

@MrsR87

I’m quite shocked that I would be judged by some of you for taking my husband’s name.

It was something I really wanted to do because to me it signifies that we are now a team. It also signified the start of our married lives together and the journey we would go on as a partnership! I know that goes against the archaic meaning but that’s how I feel about it and that’s how our relationship works.

That's exactly how I feel too
KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 14:32

That's fine if that's what you wanted but why would you say you don't understand why anyone would get married and NOT change their name? Especially when by 'anyone' you mean 'any woman'

Indeed. And as you say the poster in question didn't mean "anyone" but "any woman".

I haven't seen any convincing argument as to why I should have given the idea of changing my name the time of day, let alone actually do it.

KimikosNightmare · 02/10/2021 14:34

It was something I really wanted to do because to me it signifies that we are now a team. It also signified the start of our married lives together and the journey we would go on as a partnership!

And that could only be achieved by your changing his surname to yours? Exactly the same could have been achieved by his changing his surname to yours.

Oh and many successful partnerships use more than one name.