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Feminism: sex and gender

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Late night thoughts... women changing surnames after marriage

417 replies

FatJan · 02/10/2021 00:44

Not sure if this is the right board as I'm not fully sure where I'm going with this yet! Feels vaguely right, but happy for it to be moved.

Basically, I was scrolling through social media this evening and clicked on a post from a girl I knew at school which had got lots of comments.

As I scrolled down the post, I saw a load of comments from women whose names I didn't recognise.

I thought it was a bit strange I didn't recognise/couldn't remember who they were because the post was about something that happened at the school, and they were all talking as if they'd been there.

Suddenly I realised that I did actually know all of the women - they were all girls from our year.

I hadn't realised because they've all got married and now have their husbands' surnames.

It gave me a weird and not particularly pleasant feeling.

I haven't followed these ladies' lives over the years as they weren't in my close friendship circle, but I remember them well and how they were as children and teenagers.

Something about the fact that the identities they had when they were young no longer exist (on paper anyway) and they all have their husbands' names now made me feel a bit upset, which surprised me.

I'm trying to explore that feeling and I thought writing it down/sharing it might be a good place to start.

Obviously being happily married isn't a bad thing, so I think it's more the (perceived) loss of old identity thing that has given me a jolt, probably linked to the fact that men get to keep theirs.

I think it was also related to the fact it wasn't just one woman with a new name, it was the entire friendship group. It made it seem like the 'thing' to do, and I suppose it is, although I'm not sure how I feel about that. Some of the girls were very outspoken feminist types and to see them all as wives now with their husbands' name was a bit unexpected.

To be honest, I've been very in-my-head with the Sarah and Sabina cases and the ongoing discussions around things women go through that men don't, and this might be impacting the way I responded emotionally to that particular post.

Does the above make sense at all? Has anyone noticed or felt something similar?

OP posts:
Worrysaboutalot · 02/10/2021 07:58

My husband took my name. All our children have my name.

It isn't set in stone that wives take their husbands name, the reverse happens also.

It is up to the couple getting married to do what suits them best.

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/10/2021 08:00

I know what you mean op. It’s disturbing. My name is very much tied up in my identity- I don’t particularly like it or dislike it, but it’s my name. Why I would change it on marriage is beyond me. And dds are double barrelled but if they weren’t they’d be named after me.

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/10/2021 08:01

Also why do you become “new person” on marriage?

SunsetCastle · 02/10/2021 08:03

I liked the idea of our little family all having the same name. I liked my husband's name better (has a nicer sound)
It is frustrating trying to find people (mainly women) online when they have changed their name though.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/10/2021 08:04

I changed mine mainly as it was easier to spell. I've had a business in the "new" name and would keep it even if we divorced as that name is now mine and matches my children's name and it's still easier to spell. It was entirely my choice, your post seems to suggest people don't want to change their name whereas in reality most women do. I certainly don't feel like I lost a part of me or my identity, just gained a lifetime of being able to give my name without having to spell or explain it. It's been quite liberating for me.

Karwomannghia · 02/10/2021 08:06

For me it was part of being a family that we all had the same name. Kind of wish we’d double barrelled but it wasn’t as common then for me would have felt a bit ott

GoodnightGrandma · 02/10/2021 08:07

I wish I’d given my children my maiden name as the last middle name.

GoodnightGrandma · 02/10/2021 08:09

In hindsight I’d have kept my surname and double barrelled the children, but double barrelled names are far more often seen now than when I had mine. And that’s a good thing.

LadyGAgain · 02/10/2021 08:10

What's in a name....?
I still have my identity.

EdgeOfTheSky · 02/10/2021 08:12

Makes sense to me OP.

As individuals there are so many reasons why women make the choice they do, and of course it is their choice to make.

But a class list of girls will largely be new surnames

Whereas a man will look down a class list of old friends and all the men will have the same names.

Same link to the clan that was the class register etc. Same loyalty that builds male networking in the professions. It must have some sort of subliminal impact.

Men never seem to have the reasons for changing their names that women do.

ChiefInspectorParker · 02/10/2021 08:12

This reply has been withdrawn

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EdgeOfTheSky · 02/10/2021 08:15

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

Well I would rather all have the same name as a family but that’s just me 🤷‍♀️
Could be your birth name as the family name though ….
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/10/2021 08:16

I think men feel they don't have the option to change, so if their last name is ugly, they just live with it. To change as a man defies social convention pisses off their parents. Whereas women know it's a social norm to change, that their own parents won't be offended or take it personally, so they have an opportunity to take a nicer sounding name when they get married. Maybe women care more about how a name sounds, idk.
I wasn't married to DH when I had dc1 so gave him my name, but did change both when we got married. I do feel strongly that children should have their mother's names. Probably was willing to change upon marriage because DH is an only child. But I still feel like me - my identity hasn't changed and DH still uses my original name as it's part of my nickname.

I do agree with you though that it shouldn't be the default for women to change and children to get the father's name (especially if parents are not married). If everyone wants the same name it should be 50/50.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 02/10/2021 08:17

I didn’t change mine and our children double barrelled. Yes it probably is a pain for them and school often drop one of the names. I’m so glad we did it this way though as we are now divorced and I wouldn’t even share part of their name if I’d changed (no way would I have kept the fuckers name if I had changed). My children have never mentioned it being a pain to write, they seem perfectly happy to have part from mummy and part from daddy.

jewel1968 · 02/10/2021 08:17

I really don't understand it. If you want the family to all have same name it could equally be the wife's surname that is carried through. Something I think happens in Mexico but I could be wrong.
I think it does kinda erase women from history. Just try looking for someone female you went to school with on social media - almost impossible.

I know my surname is my father's so I don't feel it's a feminist thing but more an identity thing. Plus I have a First name that's hard for people and my partner has a surname that's hard for people so that combination would be hugely problematic for me.

My kids have both our surnames which has not been a problem. If they have kids or get married they will figure something out I am sure.

FuckingFlumps · 02/10/2021 08:17

I think it's odd people relate taking their husbands name as a sign that they are not a feminist.

Feminism is about choice and it was my choice to change my name. Yes traditionally it was the way things were done but that doesn't mean that is the reason these women have taken their husbands name.

CBUK2K2 · 02/10/2021 08:18

@foxgoosefinch Because to most people it's tradition, its about showing a commitment and that it's a serious life choice. It shows the joining of two families.

Why do lots of women want to wear a big white dress and have an over priced party?

One of the most depressing things I've header around this is that the man and children should take the mothers name so when they got divorced the children wouldn't have to change their names.

CrumpetandSausage · 02/10/2021 08:19

I kept my name. My children have my husbands surname. My sisters children have her husbands name and she is double-barrelled. My only male cousin won’t have children so the name ends with my generation. I never even considered changing my name. My children cope fine with my surname being different to them.

5BlackDoors · 02/10/2021 08:20

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I wish I kept mine as a middle name. We did look at adding it as a middle name to both mine and DDs names a few years ago but never did in the end.

Everyone presumes your name is the same as your childrens.

You can do that now or indeed at any time if you wish. You can change it very simply formally by deed poll or just start using it on documents. You can call yourself anything really unless you are doing so in order to commit fraud.

I use my maiden name professionally, my married name in day to day life because I like it more than my maiden name and I never got around to changing my various documents such as passport or drivers licence to my married name so just have to recall what name I am booking things like airline tickets in.

The only issue I ever encounter is if I am doing things with the bank for example. But I carry my marriage certificate if I need to prove I use both names.

CBUK2K2 · 02/10/2021 08:20

@FuckingFlumps It's 1000 quaint little traditions like this that make up our culture. Things that have remained unchanged for generations.

Crochetandcoffeebreaks · 02/10/2021 08:24

I kept my surname and DC have DHs surname. Tbh I mostly kept it to save the hassle of changing it on everything as well as keeping it the same for work, but between getting married and now, I'm NC with my family and my surname leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The moment my passport is due for renewal, I'll be using that as an opportunity to change my surname to DHs one, which I much prefer anyway.

EerilyDisembodied · 02/10/2021 08:25

It is symbolic of the tradition of a woman being owned by her husband so I don't like it. Same with being given away in the wedding ceremony. If it were truly a free choice as many men as women would take their spouse's surname, but they don't, I can only think of one I know that did. So yes, I find it a bit sad too.

PraiseBee · 02/10/2021 08:29

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

My maiden name wasn't very likeable so I was happy to adopt my husband's name. If I'd have had a nice maiden name I'd have kept it.
Same here. But I also would want to have the same surname as my children so then what? And if a woman keeps her 'maiden' name then usually that's her dad's surname that her mother also took. So one way or another you've got a man's surname. Are there cultures that take the female name?
Muttly · 02/10/2021 08:29

Lots of my family members and colleagues didn’t change their name but I still did.

I personally was happy to change it for personal rather than traditional reasons as there was a background of issues in my family of origin and I have been happy not to have that link anymore.

I agree though married names are illogical and sexist and logically it would are far more sense if children took the name of the parent that was 100% guaranteed to actually be a parent.

FuckingFlumps · 02/10/2021 08:29

It's 1000 quaint little traditions like this that make up our culture. Things that have remained unchanged for generations.

As I said in my post though how do you know they took their partners name because it was the 'traditional' thing to do or because they made a conscious choice to do so? Unless the person tells you directly you wouldn't have a clue as to which category they fell into?

I agree many more women than men change their names but that doesn't mean they all do so because they think that's what's expected of them. Many of those women will consciously choose to make the change.