Teenage boys - how to redirect from porn

[NigellaAwesome]

I read recently that young teenage boys are getting the majority of their sex education from porn.

I have a 14 year old DS, and me & DH try to model good, loving relationships. However neither me or DH have ever had an explicit conversation with DS about porn and the problems with it, i.e. exploitative nature of porn, unrealistic expectations of real relationships and bodies, degradation etc.

I recognise that as all children mature, they will start to show an interest in sex, and in the absence of a relationship, will seek information / titillation wherever they can find it.

So, what do we do? Is it realistic to just say 'don't look at porn'? Are teenage boys just going to do it anyway? Is there an alternative?

*Aside from potential trafficking/exploitation, too much masturbation can lead to erectile dysfunction.

The grip a man typically uses when masturbating is obviously much tighter than compared to actual sex, the penis apparently gets used to this which means if a man has sex after a lot of masturbation he might struggle to achieve and maintain an erection.*

Demonizing masturbation is a terrible idea.

@Pinkypenguin I like that and hope to be able to use it when I talk to my son. Sounds like you have a good relationship

[quote Odoreida]@Pinkypenguin I like that and hope to be able to use it when I talk to my son. Sounds like you have a good relationship[/quote]
Thanks Odoreida. I feel like I'm working it out as I'm going along as my parents were useless about that kind of thing and their only way of guiding us was to tell us off if they disagreed. So I'm trying to do things a bit differently, and talk with them rather than at them. On the whole, it seems to be working as they're both lovely boys!

I’ve got a 3YO son and this thread is depressing the fuck out of me.

@RLOU30

I’ve got a 3YO son and this thread is depressing the fuck out of me.

Why? Honestly, I’m worried for girls and women.

That was taken the wrong way.
I meant I want him to stay a young boy forever and can’t imagine him being in year 6 and interested in porn. I want to make sure I bring him up correctly and I find it all daunting. That’s all I meant.

Funny, I brought it up yesterday.

For background, I have read the cartoon sex education book to them. They both know where babies come from.

I spoke my oldest son about this last year in a similar way.

We were hanging out together and relaxed. Boys were both on their devices and we were generally chatting.

I think this conversation was vague enough for the 8 y o and for the 11 y o a reminder that he has to make his mind up, he has responsibility and that this stuff is violence and nothing to do with heathy relationships.

Me: “I want to talk about pornography”.
11 YO - looks uncomfortable (so I take that as he has seen it but I don’t react. And for him he can look at his screen, which makes it less ‘intense’ or shame inducing (which you want to avoid) but he is listening)
8 YO - what’s pornography?
Me - You know that me and daddy have a loving relationship, where we love and care for each other, where we are equals. Well it’s the opposite of that. It’s violence against women and people watch it.
8 YO - why would anyone watch that?
Me - well, it’s a bit like a drug or watching horror films. It does something to a persons brain and they want to see more and more
of of it.

I just want you both to know, that like horror movies once you see something you can’t unsee it. You have to be on guard about this.
(More to 11 yo) For you, you are getting to an age where your friends are going to start passing this around to shock you and each other. Especially if you say you don’t want to see it. Remember you can ask me or daddy to help you, you can tell us anything no matter what.
8 YO - I am never going to watch that.
Me - Well, I don’t see how watching people
in pain or gross things happening them is fun and I have never watched it. I decided at a very young age to protect what I put into my. brain.

It was very short. Didn’t over do it. Didn’t go into details but in a bit I am going to ask the older one what ideas he has about if a friend did send him stuff. I will do that just on our own - not with the 8 y o present and not with a screen.
@
I don’t know if that helps.

My 11 year old hangs around with some
more streetwise boys so I know I had to talk about it last year before he got a phone.

These conversations can be done in an age appropriate way and need to be done due to the prevalence of this brain rotting sensitivity reducing online content.

When are government's going to require proof of age or proof of identity to access porn fgs!

Rogue apostrophe

@Avarua

When are government's going to require proof of age or proof of identity to access porn fgs!

Does the Government have any idea how it just won't work?

Everyone knows about TOR and VPNs etc (these can make it look like you are from a country other than the UK, so porn sites will let you in), and the Government's scheme is reliant on all porn sites complying by changing their website to add an age-verification "landing page". If a website doesn't comply then it won't work.

Even if all porn sites were blocked doesn't mean people who want porn won't be able to access it. Forums, email, p2p or any site which allows uploading could be used to share porn.

Pornhub has just announced it will accept many cryptocoins as payment now that credit card companies won't do business with them.

Technology is moving forward fast, and young people know more about it than the middle-aged people making the laws. There's always a way and passing laws banning stuff will just push things underground.

I think it's luck of the draw OP, sorry. I've never met a man in my life who really likes porn but doesn't watch it for ethical reasons. I've met those who watch it all the time. And I've met those who don't watch it often as they aren't really in to it and/or have a low libedo. Now I haven't met every man in the world! But...

Also to pp who says her sons don't watch porn . You would have absolutely no idea. I had an ex who's mum was so proud of her son "the feminist". She had no idea her son watched porn on his phone for literally hours daily, including at work and at the dinner table, mostly horrible videos where women had anal prolapses after anal sex .

@SportsMother and @oopsyoudiditagain it's not a competition – the patriarchy is damaging for everyone.

It's horrendous knowing your daughter may fall victim to these behaviours, despite you trying your hardest. I get it, absolutely.

It's also horrendous knowing your son may become the aggressor, despite you trying your hardest.

If you're worried for girls and women, you should be glad that the mothers of sons like @RLOU30 are depressed by this thread –it means it matters to her that her son never harms your daughter.

@Cherryana your comment to your son about "I decided from a very young age to protect what I put into my brain" is the approach we take in general in our house.

It's a bit of a refrain: "You become what you consume" and we talk about it with reference to our choices of books, movies, food, comedy, purchasing power... and porn. I think (I hope) that DSS15 has internalised that enough to, if and when he watches porn, to moderate it on all fronts.

A (potentially) controversial angle we've also taken is to have open conversations about BDSM communities (at times with some of our friends present that are openly part of those communities) and their stringent approaches to negotiation before every encounter, enthusiastic consent, safewords and other practices that are deeply embedded and enforced in those worlds, much more so than in 'the normal world' and definitely in porn.

I'm hoping that those will balance and broaden DSS's ideas on what sex can be and can look like –again, not because I think it'll stop him watching porn, but because he'll know that porn is just one way sex can be and there's a whole other end to the pendulum.

OP, you and your son might find this website interesting to look at together:

fightthenewdrug.org

A a friend of ds (11 years old) posted a video of his sister (7) being humped by the family dog on lots of whatsApp groups. The sister is wearing a clothes and the dog is mounting her from behind. I'm quite sure that the boy has seen porn and reenacted it by making the video. I thought it was shocking and sad, especially for the long girl.

young girl

@BrushedDogCottonBed

A a friend of ds (11 years old) posted a video of his sister (7) being humped by the family dog on lots of whatsApp groups. The sister is wearing a clothes and the dog is mounting her from behind. I'm quite sure that the boy has seen porn and reenacted it by making the video. I thought it was shocking and sad, especially for the long girl.

Anyone in possession of that video would be guilty of having both ch*ld porn and bestiality porn. I think distributing it is also another crime.

I'm not sure what sites he was on to find that. The mainstream porn sites like Pornhub don't permit that sort of thing, so he must have been specifically seeking it out if he did see this online.

I can never find it now, but back in the olden days of the internet I briefly read a blog written by someone who'd been involved in the porn industry, making videos etc (not an actual performer).
I think he was rather jaded and although very liberal minded, was honest about how horrible and perfunctory it all was, and how the acts filmed were filmed purely to get the best 'visual' access basically and had no correlation to what was actually pleasurable by either/any party.

That all stayed with me more than the usual stuff. I wish I could remember what it was, and if it was still online somewhere!

Statistics say that most boys have seen porn from age 11.

I talk to (at) mine in the car. We can all avoid eye contact and they can’t walk away saying “I know mum”.

It terrifies me because it’s very rare to see loving “normal” sex on TV. Even cinema Films give an impression of anal sex when it’s probably vaginal sex but teenagers wouldn’t know that.