Pls help I am so scared about first counselling session

[xstitch]

I am so scared I am thinking of cancelling it but at the same time I feel so bad. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place, damned if I go damned if I don't. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I was like that last May when I had to start counselling to deal with PTSd and horrible abuse memories that had returned following ds's birth. I was so scared I had friends threatening to take days off work to personally deposit me at the health centre. I really needed it.

Thing is, there's nothing to be scared of because you are in control, you drive the sessions. If something is too much, don't take about it or only for a short while. It's not like pulling teeth where it is done to you.

Not to say it is easy - I have especially in the early days come out of one or two sessions literally unable to talk. But it is so worth it when things start falling into place and you start to feel better.

Its the fear of having records of my complete failure as a human being that is the scariest and the fear that xh will find out somehow if someone sees me going there. I can't risk him having any evidence to take my dd away from me. Its his action through the courts and threats of contacting ss that have been the final straw leading me to this stage.

I think if anyone did see you going to counselling then it would be very unlikely they could use it against you in any way. Counselling is perceived by many (including social services) as a sensible and appropriate way of seeking help and maintaining your mental health.

If you are concerned about how the counsellor will record what you discuss, raise that in the first session and they will no doubt reassure you. Most counsellors keep very simple notes with minimal information in them, and share things with others only on a need to know basis, e.g. if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

You are definitely making the right choice by going - it is such a big step and so it's no surprise you feel so worried about it. It's a big unknown. But if your counsellor has been properly trained and is a member of a regulatory body, they will be able to reassure you and hopefully give you a more realistic idea of what counselling might involve. Basically they are likely to say, as willsurvivethis said, that you drive the sessions.

I hope your first session is helpful.

I'm losing count of the number of times I've come across people on here who think that there exists somewhere a detailed record of their mental health and actions.

There is no such thing. Your GP maintains confidential records. Your counsellor makes notes to help them get a picture of you - my counsellor doesn't make any notes at all we go where I lead. Even if there was a record that would be extremely private. And certainly not joined up in some database that other people can look into.

And er...for me counselling is ceertainly no proof of my failing as a human being however bad I feel about the person I am (bad, very bad) - it's treatment, like antibiotics. Necessary.

I am assuming she was properly trained I was referred by my GP she did sound nice on the phone. I know it is silly but I am so scared of going yet I am hoping that it will stop me being so scared of everything. xh has me so terrified that I have been having a panic attack if someone knocks the door or I spot a mark I may have missed when cleaning. He has me in sutch a state that I burst into tears earlier just because I missed a teaspoon when washing up. If I admit to this in RL I am kind of proving his claims that I am useless

Sorry everyone for being such a pain i just need to get things clear in my head and feel I can't admit to feelings to anyone in real life.

if you admit this in real life you are more likely to prove that you don't have a particularly nice ex-h...

Go be honest with her and allow her to help you find yourself again and fight this.

Its not so much going to counselling itself that proves how useless I am. Its more I don't know how I can properly talk about my feelings without admitting things like, I didn't do the ironing today or that I couldn't face making a start on the pile of papers that need shredding. You see XH husband has said that if he ever discovers that I haven't done ALL the housework he will make sure I never see dd again.

It's none of his business and that is no ground not to see your children again - how come you even believe that when he says it? Is he abusive/controlling?

IF and very big if, ss get involved they will want to know dcs are loved, cared for, well fed, attend school (if old enough). Not when you last ironed. By that standard my much loved and thriving ds is at acute risk of being taken from my care as my house is tidy-ish but not very clean (will clean tomorrow) as I have PTSD and had an extremely black and difficult weekend (see thread somewhere).

As a lawyer the thought of your ex-h saying to a judge that he wants custody because you didn't finish the ironing makes me giggle tbh. No way Jose, no snowflakes chance.

I wish all lawyers were like you. He is taking me to court next month asking for full custody and for me to have no access. . My lawyer thinks I have a great case for fighting it but I still worry.

His mum works for ss so he says doesn't matter what I say there is no chance of me being believed. I have no friends left because when we were together he alienated all my friends from University and work while we were together. Also any mutual 'friends' ( I use that phrase advisedly) haven't spoken to me since he left me. He has been calling me stupid for almost 10 years now.

How old are your kids and do you have custody now? Has anyone else except your ex-h raised any concerns about you having custody? it is rare for mothers to have custody removed let alone access.

The fact that his mum works for ss will not exactly help him - conflict of interest will preclude her from getting involved.

Sounds like he's still trying to control you even though he's now your ex and predictably he's doing it through the kids.

Get into that counselling - find yourself again. Find who you were before he put you down and get battlefit to fight for the kids.

She's 5 the only other person who has said I am an unfit mother is his sil. Her 'proof' that I am an unfit mother is :

1 I let her try my special K after a lot of begging from dd

1. I wouldn't give her the cough bottle she wanted me to give her when she had the cold, this bottle is not recommended for children under 6. (even producing a printout of MHRA advice on that one didn't get her off my back)
2. dd has an outie belly button ( apparently proof of neglect)
3. I didn't remove the back from the booster seat at the same stage her friend remove the back from her dd's booster seat.

She takes me aside and has a 'quiet word' with me about my 'failings'. My common sense tells me she is wrong but being on my own sometimes its hard to beleive that anyone could be on my side.

Sounds like you have little to fear...

Get working on that self esteem

xstitch - really sorry to hear what you've been through. Please do go tomorrow, you could even print out this thread to show the counsellor which would give you a good place to start so that you can bring your initials fears into the room.

You have every right to know what sort of notes your counsellor keeps and if it is on a database that is linked into your GP's system, if it is a standalone programme or if they operate a shared care database - any practitioner working via the NHS will be keeping some level of notes. I would recommend that you tell your counsellor straight away that you have an impending court case and there may be a request to have your medical records released (which you don't have to agree to).

Well I went and it wasn't as bad as I feared. The counsellor doesn't have any notes linked to the GP system.

Got a long way to go but going back next week

well done

brave lady (that's what my friend told me when I eventually went - thought I pass it on)

Well done for going ! x