I just SH'd for the first time in years.......

[dreamworldfullofUNICORNS]

I don't know what to do. I havn't felt bad enough to do this to myself in a few years, this week the feeling has been building, and tonight I gave in. The release was phenominal, but i still want to cut again now. I have been off my AD's for two years and dread going back on them. I dont know where this has come from, but I could happily keep cutting right now.

You know this is not a proper solution.
Have you spoken to a real life friend?

No, I cant, no one I can talk to. I am still gripping the blade in one hand, trying so hard to talk myself out of carrying on.

oi Dream I am here. Put down the blade , please

what is getting you so down, love?

I dont know, if i knew i could talk my self down

Youve done really well to be off your meds for 2 years - tonight is just a hiccup, whats making you feel like this?

I dont know. The last few weeks ive been feeling a bit crappy, but not too bad. But tonight this first thing i wanted to do when i was alone was cut, so i did, and it felt good. I felt all the negative feelings flowing away, but they are coming back already

I cut again, i never did this so often before, it was always once and then felt better, its not working.

Give the crisis team a call...tell them how you feel

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90

I had a night like this a week ago after nearly a year of not cutting, and I know it feels like a release, but it really does not help. Its a huge cycle, you've broken it before, yo can break it again.

Put the blade down and talk to us.

Practicalities as well though - is it a clean cut? If not clean it, and make sure you wrap it if it needs doing so. Cover it anyhow - looking will make you feel worse.

Put it down. or even better throw it in the outside bin.

You know this isn't the solution, And the relief it gives you isn't going to help tomorrow.

Please sweetheart. Type instead of cut x

The cut is clean. I am using ice instead of a blade right now, the release isnt the same. Even though I know its not logical I still want the blood to run. Ive usually been able to match the need to cut with a reason, but tonight it is not logical, I just feel crap and the pain helps. One cut is bleeding alot, I just covered it up.

Have you called anyone?

No it won't be the same, but you need to stop.

Can you get through the next hour without any more you think?

I know it's prob not apprpriate but the Samaritans are always there just to talk.

If you want talk through it they're there

If you want to talk so you don't do it, they're there

dreamworld how are you - have you had any sleep?

You say you've been feelinga bit crappy - have you given yourself any chance to deal with those crappy feelings, talk about it, solve them, or have bad feelings sneakily been building up until cutting was the only way out?

don't forget you have stopped cutting for a long time and you can stop again. It's a coping mechanism nothing more than that. No better or worse than my eating disorder which also flares up when things niggle away, sometimes without me being able to name them.

Try to be kind to yourself today.

I slept eventually.

I did not keep cutting.

I do think I freaked out a friend with a very ill informed email linking this thead.

I talked to the CMHT this morning, talked things through, offered me an appointment if i need it. But spent a good hour on the phone with the Nurse who looked after me before, and probably got more out of that than I would from the usual 30 min appointment.

Thank you for being here for me last night