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Please tell me I'll be ok....

56 replies

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 06:25

Hi, I've been saying recently how much better I am but last night I had no sleep and was telling DH I wanted to end it all. He's gone to work now. I have to get up three DSs and get them to school, nursery, and look after DS3 5 months and I just want to sleep but I can't sleep. I thought I was better. I've been sleeping so well but last night it all came back to me, insomnia. It was horrible. I just feel so that life isn't worth living if I have to suffer this insomnia and the DSs and DH would be better without me. I know that isn't rational, I know I don't think like that when I've had enough sleep, but right now I can't face the day I feel dizzy. I guess I just want someone to say you'll be ok.

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chimchar · 19/04/2010 06:39

oh sweetheart..

you sound so sad. everything is so much worse when you're tired and not sleeping, and the middle of the night is a lonely old time to be awake.....

get the kids up, get yourself washed and dressed in comfy clothes. take them all to school and nursery and then treat yourself to a bit of nice time...bit of tv/magazine/mn let the baby play on the floor, or in his cot with some toys.

get out for a walk if you can with your baby in a buggy. you'll feel better for it.

it sounds crap, and i never couyld do it, but slepp when the baby sleeps. put your alarm on if you're worried about missing a nursery/school pick up..

i really hope you're feeling better soon. one bad night may not lead to another....have you seen your gp about how you feel?

take care now. x

willsurvivethis · 19/04/2010 07:00

Becky big hug - it feels double awful if you've been getting better.

I wonder if you fall in the same trap I do: Confusing getting better with being better.

When people first started commenting that I looked better and I had some good days/weeks I stopped taking care of myself and went back to 'normal'. Then ran into a brick wall. Getting better is two steps forward one step back.

Take it easy on yourself and if you can don't get into a negative thinking spiral. There is every chance that you will sleep ok tonight given how tired you are now.

You've come too far to end it now and the boys need you very much xx

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 07:04

Chimchar thanks so much for that, your kind made me cry but that's good! I've had problems since January with sleep and mild PND (diagnosed by GP) and I was getting so much better, I really thought I was almost over it, sleeping really well every night and even falling asleep in front of the TV! I have no idea why I couldn't sleep last night but when I have a bad night it just sends me rock bottom again and I'm such a burden on poor DH. He's been fantastic but there are limits. I love my children to bits but I can't look after them feeling like this. I know I have to, I know I will do it, but it's so bloody hard.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 07:07

Willsurvivethis thank you you are so right about getting betters vs being better. I do tend to rush things. I know I am just catastrophizing everything because I'm tired and I know this isn't 'me' talking but the PND me. But I just want to scream 'GO AWAY HORRIBLE THOUGHTS' sometimes, esp at 3am.

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chimchar · 19/04/2010 07:09

i know love....have been there, and am still there on my down days.

willsurvivethis speaks a lot of sense..getting better means you are on your way to being better, but its a long slow process.

honestly...one day at a time..thats all you can do. a shit day doesn't mean you're going back to square 1, although it can feel it.

sometimes, if you can get yourself out, it can turn your mood around...not always, but if you can motivate yourself to do it, you may feel better..

can you pop to another mums house for coffee and a chat afetr the drop offs? a chinwag always lifts me.

hope your day gets better. x

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 19/04/2010 07:15

oh, becky, you will be ok. Chimchar and willisurvive this speak words of sense.

It is absolutely hideous looking after DCs when you've had no sleep and today just try and rest as much as possible (hollow laugh). Do try and lie down at least when the baby goes down.

Just because you have had insomnia last night doesn't mean it will back for any permanent length of time.

Are you getting any support from health professionals or friends and family? Can someone sit with the baby while you sleep?

Re the "horrible thoughts", I read something which helps me a bit. You can't always avoid bad thoughts entering your house, but you don't have to offer them a chair. In other words, if a bad though enters your head, acknowledge it and then make an effort to think about something better. It get easier with practice. I am the queen of middle of the night bad thoughts and it does help me.

Hope you feel better than this soon.

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 07:20

Thanks everyone, I've got so much to do today: three trips to school and taking DS3 to cranial osteopath too so not much chance to rest but I'm sure my friends will notice how crap I look and offer me a cuppa perhaps. You all speak wise words! I will try to be positive and see this as just a 'blip'. DS3 is making seagull noises down the baby monitor so I'd better put on my cheerful mummy hat on. I'd rather crawl into a hole though but they need me.

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arcadia96 · 19/04/2010 08:59

Hi BBL if it's any help I had a bad night again last night after quite a few good ones but I'm not going to let it have any significance, it's just a restless night. I know I can get through today and that's the main thing. Just keep taking it one day at a time.

willsurvivethis · 19/04/2010 09:16

Becky I just remembered something (in between researching my client's chances of getting medical help for his PTSD in Liberia - I'm at work )

A month or so ago I felt I had a really bad patch, I panicked and thought oh no I will not survive getting so bad again, I won't cope. Told one of my closest friends and he said 'If you think you are bad now you were clearly not aware how bad you were!!' - emm that was a bit of a shock - but it helped me see I was making progress.

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 09:18

Arcadia sorry you had abad night too. I barely slept at all, I would guess small five minute burts. I'm trying to stay positive today, just dropped off DS1 and DS2 and back home with sleeping DS3 and I feel so dreadful. I want to curl up and die today. DH is busy at work and said he'll try to email me to see how I am. I know I should keep positive and tomorrow is another day and as Willsurvive says 'being better' isn't the same as 'getting better'.

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corblimeymadam · 19/04/2010 09:26

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BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 09:31

Belgianbun I remember you from the Nov 09 thread. How are you? I'm fine most of the time, when I've slept well, that's the stupid thing. I just can't cope with sleep deprivation. It kills me I felt great yesterday, having a good time with my DSs and today I'm back in that bell jar again! Frustrating. I will try to be kinder to myself.

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countrylover · 19/04/2010 09:44

oh becky - you poor thing but you have done SO well to get this far. you have had over a weeks worth of 'good' sleeps. this one night doesn't mean it's coming back. i promise it's just a blip.

one trick my CBT person told me is whenever you have intrusive catastrophising thoughts like, 'i've had one bad nights sleep, tonight is going to be even worse, i'm going to have a breakdown, i can't look after the children' then you need to stop them in their tracks.

the way she taught me to do this is to listen to every little sound around you. so when your brain begins the cycle of thoughts just tune your brain into what you can hear. if it's someone talking to you then focus on every word they're saying, if it's the TV likewise, if you're loading the dishwasher then listen and almost mentally name the sounds you can hear as the plates go in etc. you get the idea.

it does work but you need to be really strict with yourself because at the beginning your brain will do anything to get to the anxiety causing thoughts. plus it's even more difficult to do when you're tired. but once you've trained your brain then it can work even when you're really stressed.

i had to do it yesterday as we went to brighton for the day and the crowds were making me feel anxious. but by just tuning into all the sounds around me and naming them it took my mind away from the anxiety causing thoughts.

we seem to be on a similar path with our pnd and insomnia issues but i'm a few months along from you. take it from me, you WILL get better and this is the home straight now but you've just taken a little pit stop!

keep in touch today and i'll keep you going with positive thoughts.

xxx

countrylover · 19/04/2010 09:53

One more thought I had Becky is that I was 'better' before Christmas for about five weeks. I too was singing it from the rooftops then I came crashing down really badly.

This time round of feeling better I have been and still am very careful about how I describe it. I always say I am getting better. That way it almost give me permission to have a bad night/day because I am on the way there. I feel as soon as I say 'I'm better' then it gives me somewhere to fall down from. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is that one bad night does not mean you have failed. It's just a normal process of recovery from PND.

topsi · 19/04/2010 10:00

Becky, I know how you feel it is so frustrating when you feel you are making progress then have a bad night/day. If it is any consolation I slept badly on Saturday night, just felt on edge and kept jumping awake. The next day I was thinking oh no it has all gone wrong I will have to rethink everything and come up with a new plan. But last night I slept better. Sleep deprivation is awful and can make life so difficult, try and put it down just to one bad night.
When I feel like that I just try and do every thing but not rush just go slow and keep in mind that you will get through the day and bed time will come round again eventually.

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 11:10

Countrylover that is great advice. I think I have definitely been running before I could walk. I do this though all the time! I am just so desperate to return to happy normal family life. This PND person is not the me I want to be. I want to be the old me.

Topsi it's hard, isn't it?

Well DS3 and I have just got back from the cranial osteopath and I was in such a fowl mood when I got there but DS3 was lovely and he kept trying to look at me and smile at me and he was so happy when I sung to him that my heart just melted and I thought I WILL get better, I've got to get better for him and his brothers and DH as well as for me. I will do it. I will! This illness is not going to beat me.

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willsurvivethis · 19/04/2010 11:18

Well done Becky, it is not going to beat you

Well done DS3 you obviously know what your mummy needs x

But Becky go gentle today ok?

kizzie · 19/04/2010 11:47

Becky - i think bad days can be EVEN worse once you have had a run of good days. Its almost like you have forgotten how bad it can be - and have to relearn how to cope with it again. (if that makes any sense!!)

I agree with all the advice on here about thinking of yourself as ' getting better'. And that today is just a bad day - no more and no less than that.

Youve done the big thing today by going to the appointment so be as kind as you can to yourself x

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 13:28

Kizzie that's so true. I only have a bad night about every 7-10 nights now and they feel worse than they did when they were every other night.

I've managed a bath as DS3 asleep in pushchair and DS2 happy to play while I had a bath. We've got to pick up DS1 at 3.15pm but then we can all relax a bit (although tea-time madness will ensue I'm sure!). I'm going to be so knackered by bedtime.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 19/04/2010 13:40

Oh Becky! You poor love. As you know, I have been there and know just how it feels. You feel sick and everything is heavy, even turning your head feels like an enormous effort. I only had one DC to worry about not 3 and that was flippin hard enough! But you WILL be ok.. I promise you WILL! The sleep deprivation makes everything seem awful and like you don?t want to go on, but you will feel happy and normal again I promise. As willsurvive sensibly said, you are getting better, you are not yet fully better, but you will get there. You are bound to have the odd bad night, but I bet it will be the exception rather than the norm.

I had a really bad night on Friday night and just felt so dreadful on Saturday ? just didn?t want to leave the house, moped around all day doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. DH had to work all day so it was just me and poor DD. Really struggled to get through the day. But then Saturday night I slept fine again and had a good day on Sunday, feeling fine etc.

I?m sure you will sleep better tonight. Have you been practising your positive sleep thoughts. Try and write a few down and keep telling yourself them. You feel foolish doing it but your subconscious does take notice!

Keep posting if it helps, it?s good to know that there are other people that know how it feels, isn?t it?

Just focus on surviving today ? all non-essentials can wait until another day when you are feeling stronger.
xxx

countrylover · 19/04/2010 13:43

keep going becky - i'm thinking about you today. i remeber all too well those days after a night with no sleep at all. it's like you're there but not there if that makes sense.

you've done well to keep to all your original plans and not curl up in a ball somewhere. not that it's an option with children to look after but you know what i mean.

if you need some hand holding closer to bedtime then i'll be checking back in. DH has been away for the weekend and not back until about 11pm so i'll be up 'late' tonight. well, it's late for me!

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 14:07

You guys are all so lovely. I'm going to get all emotional again (as I do whenever I am tired - I have cried so much today!).

Getdown it really does 'help' to know that other people have felt this way (although it's not nice).

The subconcious thing is so true. I've just been on the phone to my mum and she gave me a really good talking to: 'you will sleep well tonight, you will, you have to tell yourself that!' she said.

Ahhh DS3 awake. Better go!

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BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 19:43

Hi everyone, I'm going to turn off my laptop now as just about to put DS1 and DS2 to bed then DS3 as soon as he's had his bath. Then I'm going to have a big bowl of chilli and rice with DH, watch an episode of Lost on TV (downloaded from the internet) and crawl into bed at about 9.30pm with my book a cup of herbal tea. I've coped much better today than I expected, and that is a big positive. It hasn't been easy at all but I've coped and the DSs are none the wiser that I have felt rubbish. I know that I have to go to bed with a positive attitude: I will sleep well tonight I hope you all do too!

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countrylover · 19/04/2010 20:07

Sending you sleepy vibes. Let us know how you get on tomorrow. x

GetDownYouWillFall · 19/04/2010 21:05

You have just the right attitude becky - well done.
Hope you sleep tonight, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself. If you do, great, if you don't, you will soon.

You've proved to yourself today that you can survive (even though it doesn't feel pleasant), you can get through it and all your DSs are fine and safe.