I'm a loser and just realising it..........

[CuppaT]

I may get told off for posting here, i'm just taking up real problem space but if i write stuff down it may help.

I have been with P for 10 years. Never been truly happy and for the past 4 years have been trying to leave. You will probably be thinking "well just go" but that is easier said than done.

He is quite emotionally abusive in a way that he screams in anger, is very picky about neatness, is a generally negative person. I've got no confidence at all and no assertiveness. I hate confrontation and I hate to hurt people, hence why it is taking so long.

I KNOW I will be better when I'm on my own but no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the balls to do it.

Anyway for a few months I've really been struggling mentally. Some weeks I am really tearful. Some weeks I'm quite hard faced and find it hard to speak to anyone. Other weeks I am quite cheeful and can have a laugh and a joke with others.

I'm quite shy anyway, in a childish way sometimes. Last night for example I went to my slimming world club and when they got around to me I went bright red as people were looking at me and was stumbling over my words and kept looking down. I came across so ridiculous. I find it hard to speak to other mums down the school. I'm not there often as I only pick kids up once maybe twice a week and just drop them off in the mornings but I look at groups of other mums talking and arranging get togethers etc and get a little jealous. I feel that they look at me and think I'm strange.

I took DD to a party a few weeks ago and sat on my own at the end of the table while the other mums sat at the other end all talking and laughing. I did try and get involved but I just looked stupid.

I am a really bad yo-yo dieter. I lost about 3 stone 2 years ago and put it all back on, now trying to lose it again but will probably end up putting it back on again.

I'm crap with money. I have just turned 30 and apart from my DCs I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I'm worried that I've had a bad effect on my DS. He's 10 and he's really shy, different to the other kids, he's not into football and I worry about him so much, especially as he is going up to secondary school in September.

I never go anywhere or do anything. Never go on holiday or anything like that

I know I'm just weird. Well I'm not, but I come across that way.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm a bit of a waste of space really, you know apart from my family and DCs, I don't think anyone would really miss me if I wasn't here. I'm just nothing special and there are millions of people aren't there.

Sorry if you have read through this, it's depressing and long. You have better things to do than to read through my crappy life.

yes bullet points help, because you can break down what seems like a massive impossible task into lots and lots of tiny but manageable stages.
e.g. "I have to leave my husband" is way too much to take in but

• talk to my GP
• write down my support networks
• get phone numbers of local solicitors on internet

etc. are stages along the way that you can start now. Please don't put this off any longer, I would hate for him to harm you.

Cuppa judging you is the last thing I want to do - I was just trying to hold up a mirror.

And well done for admitting it - I don't think you've offended anyone with that.

Cuppa, DS is getting better, but it takes time. In this book you have different types of children described ie 'shy', 'different drummer', 'sensitive', 'aggressive' etc and tips on how to help them to deal with the behaviour that is causing problems.

I found it hard to work directly from the book with ds as he just refused and still thought he was right on any matters discussed, but then I started to let little pearls of wisdom to fall from my lips here and there,and somehow he seems to pay more attention to that.

Also, can I just say, that even if your h will become physically abusive it does not mean it will be easier to leave. I think it's all about your attitude: how much can you take? Is verbal and emotional abuse ok? A little slap? A punch? It builds up slowly and so the distinctions get blurred and then it's not so easy.
Your h has no right to put you down, check on you constantly, scream at you. This is the abuse of your most basic freedom and a right to exercise free choice.

Again, being awkward and shy around others does NOT mean you're a loser. It just means you're shy. And because you don't have a great career and haven't earned tons of money by the age of 30 isn't either. On the other hand, if it gets you down, trust me, you can take some courses or do a degree, get a interesting job. Or is there anything you're interested in and you think you might be good at? Then you can think of the ways to get better at it and make a career out of it.

You're just 30, have a whole life in front of you and please, please, don't wait another 10 years-it does get harder to motivate yourself as you get older if you don't have some positive stuff to build on.
Please keep on talking, there's plenty lovely people on here, willing to help!

Thank you, feel very grateful that you are all being so kind and offering very wise advice.

Well yeah I had my DS when I was 19 and moved in with P when I was 20 so I had to grow up pretty swiftly and didn't really have much of a life before that nor the opportunity to set the path to a fantastic career. Yes, of course it was my choice and I don't regret it but still, feel like I've missed out on some things in life.

I'd love to be a nurse. Medicine interests me and maybe would like to train as a midwife one day. Seems so huge to achieve. I made enquiries last year but P seemed to think it was another one of my hair-brain ideas but when the offer letter came from the college he told me we can't afford for me to give up work and that was that.

So I guess I need to do this, right? Now or never? OK, gosh it's such a scary feeling. He's gonna turn nasty I know, he has done before when we've split in the past. We split not long after DD was born and he said he'd fight me for custody, thinking about that makes me want to puke. It never lasted because it's the same old story, always goes back to the way it was before despite promises.

Feeling a bit strange this evening. Your help has been fantastic and really made me think but in another way I feel a little more depressed.

Anyway gotta go, he's coming. Be back tomorrow.

Night all x

Becoming a midwife sounds great- I always thought it must be so fulfilling, helping little babies arrive safely...

When I was with exP he also would tell me that I always got excited about something and never finished it, or that I would never get a job. Well, I'm just starting with my degree but I'm doing very well and even if it feels like it's going to take ages- in a three or four years time it will be done! Much better than doing nothing and then looking back and saying to yourself ' oh, if I had started doing something few years ago, now I would have my degree/ job...'. I also think that being constantly in a negative environment makes you doubt yourself, so then it becomes a self- fulfilling prophesy iyswim- you feel down about yourself, so don't really have energy and faith to persevere and then you have a proof that you can't do anything because you didn't succeed last time...

Oh, and my ex was telling me all the time that I would never find a job, an appartement ( I'm not French and they are really difficult about it here, you have to earn three times the rent etc) and that ds will have to stay with him...which scared the shit out of me...but I got a shitty job first, then through an acquaintance got a good one, got an appartment through a person I worked with and left...He still can't get over it and it was 3 and a half years ago!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be talking so much about myself, just that it seems to me that I have been in a similar situation to yours and thought a positive story might cheer you up and make you feel more confident.

CuppaT it is not now or never - it is when you are ready! Get your head round it and make a plan, then execute it when you're up to it.

Just been reading through my thread and I sound a bit needy.

Got woken up this morning to him pushing himself up against me. I pretended I was asleep but he kept going, I told him to stop and he said "I need my uniform, where is it" I told him it was downstairs, he told me to come down and get it. So I did. Make his lunch. He's gone to work and I've stayed up, wouldn't be able to go back to sleep now anyway.

So, perhaps I am needy, perhaps that's another reason I find it hard to leave, because I'm so used to him, I think I need him.

I just want to be on my own.

I hate being shy, hate having no confidence, it's not much of a life is it.

I have 3 friends getting married this year, they were all proposed to, they all had a big surprise and romantic get-away, I never have anything like that.

Why not? Why do I not deserve those things?

I'm not jealous, quite the opposite, I am so pleased for them, just sort of wish that would be me one day?

I meet them for coffee etc. to catch up and they tell me all their exciting news, buying houses, having babies, planning their big days and all the excitement that brings, planning holidays etc etc. I say same old stuff, so dreary.

I feel so sad.

Good morning, Cuppa.
Sorry you're feeling down.
Is there anything you can do today to cheer yourself up? Have you got any time on your own, without the kids? If so, what about signing up for a cool sports class ( barre au sol, martial arts) for example?
You don't sound needy at all.
Your P, on the other hand, does sound like a twat.

"You don't sound needy at all.
Your P, on the other hand, does sound like a twat. "

Thanks Winnybella - I was wondering how to say it but I can't improve on that!

CuppaT - you are not needy you have needs, legitimate needs, and he's not doing one iota to fulfil them.

That uniform story so got my heckles up!

My dh can never find anything, but he respectfully says 'I know I've mislaid them but would you happen to know where they are?'

It's about respect and care for each other, and ou are giving it but not getting it!

Feeling a bit brighter than I was this morning thank you.

I just need to get things into perspective I think and try and think clearly. Trouble is that this seems easier some days than others. Some days I could just keep my blinds closed and sit around in my jammies all day (I don't as P would not be happy with that, plus it wouldn't be fair on DCs).

I exhaust myself, honestly I do!

How are you doing, Cuppa?

Hi winny - thank you for thinking of me

Not feeling good today. I feel so confused and frustrated. Like I'm behind a big wall that is too high to climb and too long to walk around on either side.

I feel so guilty for wanting to turn P's life totally upside down. I don't know how he will cope.

I cannot decipher in in my mind whether I love him still or not. I want him to be happy and I don't think I make him happy. If I imagine him with another woman I don't feel bad or jealous or cringe or anything like that, just happy he's found someone else. I can't see why I want him to be happy when some days he's so awful to live with.

What a head case eh

Probably hard to accept CuppaT but the way you feel judging by what you wrote just now is the result of being in an abusive relationship. Your thinking centres around him, what he would make of it, whether he would be unhappy. How about YOU?

It's not 'what am I doing to poor P?'. It's 'what has P done to me all those years?'.

Tell yourself that leaving now is not forever, it doesn't have to be. Maybe a separation and thereby some proof that you can think/act for yourself is all he needs to come to his senses and seek help. Maybe you will leave and decide you want to go back, maybe you will decide you NEVER want to go back EVER.

Take a step at a time.

I was you 2 years ago, the exact same situation and state of mind. It took me 3 years to finally leave. We separated to start with so it didn't seem so final but after a few months of being on my own I never looked back. My life became so much better since leaving him, I've become a more confident person. I still have issues now but they aren't related to my x-p anymore and they aren't anything to do with the fact I am single now! In fact I dread to think what state I'd be in right now if I was still with my ex.

NQS - that you for posting. Do you have DCs with XP if you don't mind my asking? If so, how were they after split?

Such an awful weekend just gone. He came home Saturday in a bad mood and I left the big bottle of squash out of the cupboard so I had a telling off and was told I am a lazy person who lives like a student! Just because I left the squash out, I leave it out cos i'm too damn short to keep getting it back out again, and I said this to him but he replied that I do it with everything so it makes no difference.

Yesterday well, he's been on a diet and when he weighed yesterday morning he hadn't lost anything. This made him in a fowl mood and there was tension around us all day.

Just trying to enjoy the peace in the house now but have an awful headache today.

I have an old friend (a guy friend) who has always been there for me since school. I spoke to him earlier and he's offered to 'get the boys round', tempting offer I thought .

Anyway, on a little more positive note, I think, I plucking up the courage to ring women's aid. I don't think I can do this alone.

willsurvive - i know that when we split this time, it'll be for good, for my sanity I don't want to be doing this in 5/10 years time. What a waste of my life that would be.

CuppaT - courage my friend you're doing well!

Hope you manage to ring Women's Aid

I only mentioned a temporary split as it may feel less daunting - in the end only you will know what is good for you

Oh god this is so hard. I was lying in bed last night and kept counting down to 20, trying to build myself to say something, anything to him to let him know I'm unhappy but couldn't do it.

In the end I realised that this is probably my life, this is it.

I'm too weak to do anything about it and too scared of the consequences.

This morning my DD came into the bathroom whilst I was having a shower and said "daddy just said you keep my bedroom untidy and my shelves messy, why mummy?".

I told him this wasn't on, I don't want my kids to think i'm an untidy mother and he shouldn't be putting ideas into their heads. He laughed it off and said it was just joking .

I feel so deflated, gutted and have a constant knot in my stomach and lump in my throat.

CuppaT it DOESN'T have to be this way and that was NOT a joke it was a nasty putdown.

Please ring womens aid as you planned to - time to take stock of your options

Hi willsurvive, I've been on the website and found the number for the local one which I have saved to my mobile but wasn't really sure what to say to them........I don't want to waste their time when they are needed for serious issues, like proper abuse and women who have their lives in danger.

I have two weeks off work, next week and half term week. He'll be in work so I will have some real time on my own. I feel like I need it to sort things out in my own head.....

''i know that when we split this time, it'll be for good, for my sanity I don't want to be doing this in 5/10 years time. What a waste of my life that would be.''

Keep telling yourself this Cuppa...

It seems like a bloody big mountain, but you can do it one step at a time. Some of us have been where you are now and have come out/ are coming out of the other side. It is hard. And sometimes it will feel worse.

But the other side is so liberating and that moment when you are free just to be you is like the most heady feeling in the world.

YOU are not a loser. You might be lost but please believe me, with help and support it is possible to start to have the future that you and your DC's deserve and are entitled to.

Keep posting on here, the support is amazing, and keep focussing on how you would like your life to be and making the steps to achieve it..

Thanks Mitsubishi, I just let my mind wander for a minute when I read your bit about focusing on what I'd like my life to be like. I'd like it to be like this:-

• i'd like to be able to leave the house as I want without worrying all day that he'll be home before me and greet me with a sour face and a lecture on house work.

• i'd like to put something down and know where to find it without it being thrown away or moved out of sight.

• i'd like to be able to go out with a friend (if I could make some!) or family member without being axious all night about going home.

• i'd like to watch what I want on TV without having games blasting in the background.

• i'd like to go to bed without thinking he's downstairs either going through my mobile or wanking infront of porn.

• i'd like to have a girly bedroom with pretty bedding and a dressing table where I could have all my make-up and smellies out.

• i'd like to be me again

Oh CuppaT, you CAN have those things! Please please don't give up.

CuppaT

that is proper abuse

please realise it

sorry

CuppaT - maybe you do this already, but a diary may be helpful where you keep a record of all the hurtful, spiteful things he does to you. That way you will have some "evidence" to reassure yourself it is not all "in your head" or not real abuse as you call it. You will also have it to refer to if your mind goes blank when you call women's aid, and you want to give some examples of how he is abusive to you.

Read back over this thread and make a note of all the ones you mention here, as a starting point?

Ok cuppa....
I have been in a similar place to where you are,

and I wrote my own list on anther thread.

And much of it is now happening or within my grasp.

All your self doubt, your shyness, your feeling not worthy, are not your feelings, they are ones being put on you, and one day, with help and an inner strength that you might be surprised that you possess, you can learn to say that NO, that is not how you want to be and whoever tries to belittle you or undermine you, or make you feel crap, has NO right.

For me, from being so deeply unhappy, to the point that I am at now, seemed insurmountable.

But as long as you keep on fighting and posting and believing that you and your DC's can have better lives and the things on your list, which are no more than any person has a right to want for themselves.

I wish you all the very very best. It is so good when you get to the top of the mountain....