I'm a loser and just realising it..........

[CuppaT]

I may get told off for posting here, i'm just taking up real problem space but if i write stuff down it may help.

I have been with P for 10 years. Never been truly happy and for the past 4 years have been trying to leave. You will probably be thinking "well just go" but that is easier said than done.

He is quite emotionally abusive in a way that he screams in anger, is very picky about neatness, is a generally negative person. I've got no confidence at all and no assertiveness. I hate confrontation and I hate to hurt people, hence why it is taking so long.

I KNOW I will be better when I'm on my own but no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the balls to do it.

Anyway for a few months I've really been struggling mentally. Some weeks I am really tearful. Some weeks I'm quite hard faced and find it hard to speak to anyone. Other weeks I am quite cheeful and can have a laugh and a joke with others.

I'm quite shy anyway, in a childish way sometimes. Last night for example I went to my slimming world club and when they got around to me I went bright red as people were looking at me and was stumbling over my words and kept looking down. I came across so ridiculous. I find it hard to speak to other mums down the school. I'm not there often as I only pick kids up once maybe twice a week and just drop them off in the mornings but I look at groups of other mums talking and arranging get togethers etc and get a little jealous. I feel that they look at me and think I'm strange.

I took DD to a party a few weeks ago and sat on my own at the end of the table while the other mums sat at the other end all talking and laughing. I did try and get involved but I just looked stupid.

I am a really bad yo-yo dieter. I lost about 3 stone 2 years ago and put it all back on, now trying to lose it again but will probably end up putting it back on again.

I'm crap with money. I have just turned 30 and apart from my DCs I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I'm worried that I've had a bad effect on my DS. He's 10 and he's really shy, different to the other kids, he's not into football and I worry about him so much, especially as he is going up to secondary school in September.

I never go anywhere or do anything. Never go on holiday or anything like that

I know I'm just weird. Well I'm not, but I come across that way.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm a bit of a waste of space really, you know apart from my family and DCs, I don't think anyone would really miss me if I wasn't here. I'm just nothing special and there are millions of people aren't there.

Sorry if you have read through this, it's depressing and long. You have better things to do than to read through my crappy life.

Question for you: What makes you think you don't have a 'real' problem and you shouldn't post on here?

You have a partner who you describe as abusive. Most women posting on here grossly play down their partner's behaviour so I'd be interested to see what 'picky about neatness' really means.

Leaving an abusive relationship is very very hard and struggling to do so is not a sign of weakness.

With shyness/social insecurity it's a bit of a vicious circle. You think you look an idiot, so you bumble and stumble and feel even more like an idiot and you don't notice other people don't think you're an idiot

You have every right to post here. If you want to may say a bit more about what things are really like at home

Firstly, look at what you have gained already by admitting to yourself things are not quite how you want them to be. It is really hard to rectify situations when you are perhaps in a haze due to issues with self esteem lack of confidence etc. Perhaps step one to talk to gp regarding a course of anti depressants or counselling. this may help to boost you in order to take new steps ie confidence with talking to others. You say you worry about your ds, you sound to me a very caring mum with good insight despite you current feelings.So starting block for the road to recovery needs to be I am a good kind mum who is having a little bit of a hard time.
I need to tell a rl person friend/relation for help for some you time to do something for yourself nightclass voluntary work to take you out of yourself.

Thank you willsurvive.

My P has a very short fuse and it doesn't take much for him to burst. He shouts so load the kids put their hands to their ears. He spends a lot of time in front of his computer or on the xbox.

He gets overly (IMO) annoyed about little things like bits on the carpet or things not in their rightful place. He gets annoyed if I have washing on the clothes rack or haven't put the dishes away after washing them. He expects the house to be a certain way and if I've not done something, there is tension and I know I've done something wrong. I didn't even know he is abusive actually until I started posting on here.

I don't really bother going out because he doesn't like it and when I get home we always argue and he tells me I look frumpy or my clothes are too tight. Early last year I made a point of going out once a month with a friend I'd not seen for years, that lasted three months and I've now not seen her since last August.

He doesn't like my family. He says I'm mad, manipulative, calculated and dull but very clever??

He gets angry with the kids for, well, just being kids I think.

He goes mental over the dog's muddy paw prints or something like that, you know, a bit annoying but nothing major.

However, I know he does love me, he is affectionate and senses that I am being cold towards him. I just don't get him. If I annoy him that much, how can he love me? I don't have a libido anymore and he gets so frustrated with me, he has a very high sex drive and after I've gone to bed he sits in front of his computer watching porn.

I cancelled my FB account because he kept logging into my account to read my messages and check who my 'friends' are. I've found him a few times snooping through my mobile. I have never cheated and never given him reason to suspect I have.

We don't do anything as a couple. He never takes me out or suggests going away etc. I used to book us for meals out but wondered why it was always me having to arrange it.

It is always 'same shit, different day' with me.

Thank you darkand.

I went to see my GP last year about it. Told him I was struggling in leaving my relationship. I felt awful for going. Felt I was wasting his time and there were loads of people that were ill in the waiting room, they deserved his time not me.

He referred me for counselling. The letter came, P opened it and told me about it, I never saw the letter. He still swears he never threw it away.

I have attened one session of counselling. It was £40 so I cannot afford more. Felt a bit silly there too.

My DCs are so precious. Although they are arguing (like DCs do) but I've noticed things they say and the way they say it, are exactly like P, worrying I know and as I Mum I should bloody put my foot down and do something about it!!!!

Sounds to me like he may need some support but that would have to come from him.

You can only look after yourself and do waht you need to. He is being abusive and others may have llinks to places you can seek help from either in leaving him or helping him to see the issues.

Have you ever approached the subject with him or is his fuse that short, you can't face it?

I hope this doesnt come as a shock but what you are going through is called domestic violence/abuse and it cannot be justified and it is not your fault. It is his.

Part of his controlling behaviour is to make you believe you should be different and that it is all your fault. it is not.

-He gets upset if you leave clothing on the airer or let the dishes dry by themselves
-He doesn't like you going out
-He calls you a frump, comments on your weight
-'Needs' to use porn and blames you
-Breaches your privacy by snooping on your fb account

If a friend told you this you would be very sympathetic wouldn't you. ou need to start by realising you deserve better because you are you and you are a lovely person.

Oh, and reading back yourself now how he behaves do you really think YOU are the cause of your ds's shyness? Think again x

Keep posting, let it help you to gather your thoughts.

That's the thing. I really don't want to be 'that' person who lives to please their other half. I want to be me. I used to be happy and always up for a laugh. I'm still me deep down but the surface has been tarnished.

My poor DS, I've allowed him to be brought up in this atmosphere. He said to me a few days ago that he isn't cool and he thinks he's a geek . He goes to scouts and recently taken up judo so i'm just trying to get him into loads of clubs and hopefully make new friends.

My DD is a bundle of energy, always happy, always dancing and singing. I hope she stays this way?

I have approached him with all of this also yes, he accepts it and has tried to change but it's just what he is and always reverts back.

His mum and dad live in a huge five bedroom showhome standard house with two BMWs with personalised number plates, always have so it's what he's grown up with. Seriously his mum is OCD standard and as an example when she has the DCs, they stay in the kitchen/dining room all day because it has a tiled floor.

So he may have issues relating to his upbringing.

Would he be open to the thought of this?

I doubt it to be honest. If I say anything about his parents/family, worded in the right way even, he gets offended so I don't think I'd approach it again.

It is very interesting to think why he is like this and that he had a difficult upbringing but he does have a choice and he is being abusive - it is YOU who's entitled to some help here.

Get the GP to refer you to counselling on the NHS - called the IAPS program (Improved access to psychological services) - there may be a wait but no cost.

Can you be firm with P and tell him that opening your post is NOT acceptable? It is not!!!

Shuddering at thought of keeping dcs in kitchen because of tiled floor - what a life brrr.

I think counceling for both of you is the only chance.

Yes, he is emotionally/ verbally abusive.
I was in such relationship and it took me a long time to realise that I'm not worthless just because I'm little messy.

You sound lovely. Being a bit shy and awkward is not the end of the world and does not reflect on your worth as a human being.Being in an enviroment where you are being constantly made to feel bad about yourself is definitely not helping you to be happy and to try to break out of the dreary routine and get out there, meet new people and to try to work on your shyness etc.
FWIW, I felt the same. I left and am in a very happy relatonship with a lovely, considerate man and am doing a literature degree at the ancient age of 30! So all is not lost.

My DS has similar issues to yours- which I am convinced stem from his early years, before me and ex have split up. I got ' The Unwritten Rules Of Friendship'- it's a really good book, helping you to help your kid to deal with issues with socializing.

counselling FGS

and environment...

Hi cuppat - well done for posting on here - you just sound stuck in a rut and your P is slowly grinding you down. My DH can be a little like your P; he has a short fuse, he shouts too much, he can be very picky about the house and his standards are much higher than mine - I'm not a slob - honest , but I let the kids be kids whereas DH can't stand the mess and general chaos that can follow 2 kids around... BUT - he has gone to anger management classes as he knows he has issues, he never belittles me and always makes me feel pretty , he encourages me to go out and meet friends / go to gym and he always say sorry after he behaved like an arse.

The only reason I say all this is that you could probably live with some of your Partners behaviour if he was more supportive of you and made you feel good instead of crap - so there may still be hope for you as a couple but your P is going to have to change in order for that to happen.

I presume he wouldn't consider some sort of couples counselling or anger management?

On a practical level is there an activity you can arrange to do with your DS. Me and DS1 recently started doing indoor climbing, really as something for us to do but it boosts his confidence as well. At least this would get you out the house too and your P could hardly complain about you doing activities with the kids. Perhaps look in the local paper about things like drama classes that you could do together. Are there say trips you could organise that get you all out the house and having some fun again?

Sorry all these things sound a bit lame, but I think if you had more confidence and more to look forward to then you would feel more positive.

For what its worth I think you sound lovely and caring and a fab mum .

Also, on the blushing bit... I used to have real issues with my shyness, I would go red at the drop of a hat and it stopped me speaking publicly sometimes. But I soon developed a little trick... I found that once I'd spoken once I'd find it easier after that, so I always made a point of speaking to a few individuals before and then I'd have more confidence to say something to a wider audience. I still go red now if the first thing I say at an event is to the whole group.

Brilliant book called "Feel the fear, and do it anyway" Susan Jeffers written by an Aussie.Down to earth well written, finding strength in all life situations,would recommend can do no harm not too clap trappy iyswim.

the thing about emotional manipulation is that becuse it happens day in and day out in your own home - there becomes a normalcy to it.

it isn't normal - and you know this - but you spend every day 'managing' the situation so he won't get angry or blow up

well normal people don't function this way.

you have no self esteme and you have no self worth becuase he doesn't let your confidence grow enough at any point to let these things develop.

4 years is a long time.

my situation got gradually worse over a period of about the same time - and we had been together a long time at that point.

i began to stutter and stagger my words - just enough to give my brain the room to work out what the best answer was to any given question - y'know, so that he wouldn't get angry.

angry
angry always angry.

leave. get help from mumsnetters and leave.

find out your financial situation - get copies of anything legal - mortgage,. tenancy agreement - and bills in YOUR name particularly, make an appt with a solicitor, go to CAB, ring shelter england ( or scotland) regarding any housing issues or questions you may have. FIND OUT WHAT BENEFITS YOU WOULD BE ENTITED TO ( ENTITELDTO.COM)

do your research. find your feet. start to plan.

and leave.

if at any point he would like a reconciliation - it is at that point on your terms.

My goodness, thank you all so much for offering your advices. It is very much appreciated.

Chooster, I like the idea of taking DS indoor climbing, thanks for that. He's been before a few times and enjoyed it, be a challenge for me though!

Custardo, I know you are so right. I don't think I have any self worth at all. I don't feel like anybody should do anything for me and if anyone shows me kindness at all I feel guilty and overwhelmed.

I have said so many times that a little mess with two kids, a cat and a dog is only natural but P looks at me like I'm stupid! When you get that time and time again, you sort of start believing it.

Thanks for the book recom darkand, gonna look into that now.

Winny, do you think your DS is getting better now, socially and mentally?

It's funny, I had to meet P for lunch as on his days off, he likes me to meet him in my lunch hour and he was nice and paid for my lunch and coffee. We looked like a normal loving couple but inside my head I felt sad, that probably sounds stupid I know.

I just don't want to feel like I've wated my life when I look back in a few years time.

I guess I'm sorting waiting for the 'right time'. You know like waiting for something to happen / searching for a reason that people will understand, not for it to be 'out of the blue' as it were, as nothing has changed, it's just years of tip toeing.

Cuppat I'm going to be very blunt but you seem to say in your last comment that you are waiting for him to give you a black eye so you can legitimately leave him

Can I just add my words of support for you CuppaT, you sound like a lovely person who has clearly been through a lot and got used to living a downtrodden life. You also had your DC quite young it seems, so did not have much chance to "do your own thing" during your twenties, which perhaps makes you less confident as well on top of everything else.
You've got some good advice here from other MNetters, I really hope you can summon the courage to do something and not procrastinate any longer.
It seems some action points for you are:

• see the GP and find out about free counselling sessions
• arrange a confidence building activity with your DS
• have a conversaition with your DH about how you really feel and what needs to change.

You are not a worthless person, everyone has intrinsic worth with gifts, skills and abilities unique to them. You mentioned you used to be a happy person able to have a laugh, just keep telling yourself you can be that person again.

He wants to meet you in your lunch hour so he can control what you are doing with any spare time.

You are suffering from Domestic abuse. Your posts are heartbreaking to me, you sounds like such a lovely lady. He has chosen you for a reason, you will put up with this extreme behaviour.

Please try to make some plans to leave, for your Dc's sake. and your own. You deserve better that this life.

There is a whole world out there, joy, happiness,laughter, friendships. You deserve to feel these emotions; to participate.

willsurive - gosh yes it does seem like I've said that and the sad fact is, yes, in some ways I wish he would . Please don't judge me badly for admitting so, but would it not give me a "that's it, no more" attitude to do it once and for all?

I can't believe I've actually admitted that, sorry if I've offended anyone.

Getdown, yes you're right about the starting points and seeing them like that in bullet form seems a bit easier to take it in IYSWIM. Maybe I should sit down and set out my 'plan' like that??

boohooo, i really want to experience good emotions, really do. I hate feeling like a soggy wet blanket all the time with no desire to do anything, because that is how I feel right now.

but you will always feel like that if you are with him cuppaT. The fact is that is how he likes it - so HE can control your emotions by making you "happy" like when he took you out for lunch, and then put you back down again when you leave the dishes dirty.

This about what your DC are learning from you both about relationships...