Everythings too much-WARNING LONG

[lowandblue]

Don't really know where to start have so much going on in my head I find myself constantly saying I can't do this anymore.
I am married with 2 children aged 4 and 2.
Am seeing a CBT therapist for anxiety and depression and have been given ADS recently which I don't know whether I want to take as am scared of how it will effect me.
I have just had a home care lady starting to call which HV orgainised and because of my anxiety I find this a hinderence rather than a help as i feel i am being judged on how i am with my children and that i am a bad mother because of my depression and they are watching to see if it is rubbing off on my children.

My ds who is 4 has been referred for speech therapy and is awaiting a second opinion.The sppech therapist mentioned mild dyspraxia and have been reading up on it and am so scared .

My dh is getting to the point like he said tonight that the therapist, Hv and himself in fact everyone is bored with my problems and are waiting for me to do something about it,they have given me loads of support and after 7 months they are all fed up with it.He said the other evening when I misunderstood something he was saying ,you know oppisites like sane, insane
at home ,in hospital.Which he says is my state of mind at the moment and he reckoned tonight that is where i am heading.

My dh also believes i choose to have children and am a mother so i look after them ,he works so it entitles him to go to the pub most evenings after work.I never know what time he will be in or in what state and he turns his phone off which makes me so anxious as i think if i needed to get hold of him i would'nt be able to.

I lost my parents a few years ago and my brother died a couple of years ago due to alcohol.his family live away .I have sisters and a niece nearby who are supportive but have their own busy lives to lead .

MIL is coming to stay this weekend and she knows some of our problems but always dismisses that i am depressed saying i have been depressed and you definetly are'nt.Since then i have seen a cpn and been put on ads.
My dh is nervous about his mothers visit as i am very anxious at the moment and our relationship is not good.I said i don't know if i am strong enough to hold it altogether this weekend if she starts asking questions,and am tired of putting on a act and crying desperetly alone feeling no one is listening to me. He said he would phone and tell her not to come as he does not want her upset.OH,but it's ok to upset me,after all i am only his wife.

He keeps saying i am selfish and it's always about me ,in fact i overheard him saying to my ds your mother is so up her own arse with her problems she can't see anything else.

don't know where to turn.I don't want my HV thinking i am not coping,i get through the day with the children on auto pilot most of the day and then to have no support at the end of the day just makes me feel so alone.Only today i rang dh about 2pm saying please don't be late the kids are driving me mad and i can't cope.He left work at 4.30pm ,half an hour journey got in at 7.30pm
Yet again i had to deal with the kids dinner bedtime etc on my own.I don't know how he can do this after i had rung earlier and said i was'nt coping,he just said you were freaking out.I f he felt that how could he have not come straight home.When he did get in he just picks at everything,toys still on the floor,have i changed the kids nappies recently etc etc making feel a complete failure as a mum.

Sorry for such a lnog rant but am sat here wondering what do i do.I can't see a way out of all this .Am i being selfish,is it my warped thinking and depression that is making me like this or somewhere down the line do other people influence what we think and feel .I sometimes think i am going mad and maybe dh is right i will end up in hospital!!!!!

Oh lowand blue
Big big hugs, wish we could all wave a magic wand and make it better. Unfortunately it sounds like you are not getting very good support from you DH at the moment and your mil sounds awful. I am therefore not sure they are the best people to advise you on if you should be taking the AD?s. They sound suspiciously like they have a vested interest. Could it be that your DH might just be a tiny bit worried that a happy confident woman might not be quite so keen to be the subservient house wife/cleaning lady/cook that he wants? He should actually WANT for you to regain your health and be prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve it?!
I know it?s really really hard when you?re feeling under confident and depressed to make what seem like really big decisions. But you already said that you feel you would be able to take care of your children on the AD?s, so is there something else worrying you (other than DH?s irrational and irresponsible disapproval?). You need to really concentrate on doing what you feel is right for YOU, its NOT selfish and taking the AD?s really could help you turn a corner with this.
If you are not getting good support from home it makes it a little harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I am sure you can do it, you sound like a very brave woman and you?d certainly have all the support of people here willing you to succeed . I hope you reach a decision soon.
Love hettie

What a lovely post Hettie! I have been thinking about you today lowandblue. Firstly, if you need some extra support please come and post in 'feeling depressed' there are a couple of posts over there which are updated daily and we all keep an eye on each other. Feel free to join us.
Secondly - have you had more thoughts about the anti Ds?
I would advise one of two things. Either ask for peoples experiences of the anti Ds you are worried about and write all your concerns about them! -
If you are still not happy then consider your alternatives. Now, Queenflounce recommends Sepia (homeopathic) - ask her about those and others recommened to me St. johns Wort. I know nothing about the latter except it can't be take with anti Ds. The former can!

Also, please re-read Madmarchhares post earlier in this thread. They are wise words as are what others have said.

Keep posting and join us in 'feeling depressed' if you need some daily support of others or keep this going to thrash out your thoughts. You need some support from somewhere and you are obviously not getting it at home!

Take care, I hope you had a good day and no doubt we'll speak soon.

Sax xxxxx

Hi lowandblue, I'll bump this again tonight becasue I don't think you are usually around til the evenings!

Thanks for your kind words Sax and Hettie.
Had a discussion with dh last night and he has said he is not worried about how the house looks and if the housework is up todate he just wants meback to my confident self and able to go out without feeling anxious.
Depression does make me feel very selfish and it is all comsuming.Like dh says it seems with all these people coming in to help me it sometomes seems to him it's all about me.I know this,i feel really guilty that i should be able to put this all behind me and just get on with things for the sake of the children.
Iwant to i really do.
He asked me last night what it is i am afraid of when i go out,and what do i think will happen.
I can't answer that,i don't know,it's just a feeling.
At home with my children i feel safe and i can keep my children safe.
I think it stems from when both my parents died i never got to say goodbye to them,they both died before i got to the hospital in both instances.
I still feel very guilty about this and can't forgive myself.
I have a therapist coming to ssee me this afternoon at home at 3pm and am starting to feel very anxoius now.My ds starts reception in september and have got to get my head round this and also tackle the thoughts of he will be away for 5 mornings.Not sure how iwill cope with this and the added pressure of getting their.
This is probably where the ads will come into play and make me feel less panicky about leaving the house.Obviously i am under pressure to get my ds to school by SENCO and the HV etc so it is a bit over whealming.On a positive note we have the oppurtunity to go away next week to the coast which is only half an hour away.The break will do us all good,all that fresh sea air and it will be our first holiday away together as a family.Feeling anxious about it but it's not to far from home and we can just relax and do things at our own pace.Dh is very good in not pressuring me to go places when i am not ready ,although maybe he should be a bit more forceful instead of giving me a get out clause all the time.

Asfor the ads,this may sound like another excusebut will start them when i get back from holiday as i don't want to be feeling any side effects whilst i am away.

It s properly very difficult for people to nderstand who have not felt like this what it is like and to them it probably seems so irrational.

Thanks again Hettie .

Thanks Sax for thinking of me and keeping in touch.xx

Bump

You sound like a great mum to me - just the kind I would have liked instead of my lovely but tidy (late) mum.

I'll await to read about your therapist session.

Which area are you in? Although I only skimmed through I did not see any clue as to you perhaps needing some adult company. This might help you see things in a different light, having a different point of view to share.

But... well... as for your dh.... motherhood is the hardest thing you'll ever do and I know that as soon as my dh used to walk through the door on my bad days, he'd get ds flung at him whilst I went into another room to just be on my own for a while...

Yep. I'm another who's been up and down with depression and so can genuinely empathise...

lowandblue - how did the therapy session go?????

Hi,the session went ok.They are going to arrange help for me with taking ds to school and building up my confidence.Was asked why i think i have this seperation anxiety being away from ds and tried to explain i have never been away from him since he was born and think the loss of my parents and brother unexpectidly has fuelled my fears.
I know for ds sake i have to let him go but it is so difficult.

I was asked if i had started taking the ads and told them i would start them when i return from holiday.

Oatcake i did register with meet a mum and have had contact with a lady who has just moved to my area and has a son a year younger than mine.We have met once and hit it off so hopefully a friendship will develop.
I know what you mean about motherhood being a hard job,one of the hardest but as much as it is difficult at times it is very rewarding.
How are you at the moment oatcake?

How are you feeling today sax?

I'm pretty up and down tbh lowandblue thanks for asking though - just having a quick discussion about panics on another thread - will update how I'm feeling a bit later cos a bit wobbly - I'm so needing to have a bit more control - I'll speak asap lowandblue and glad the session went well!

I've been pretty up for the last four months... You don't don't know when you'll come crashing down again though! but thanks for asking, and just take heart that you're not alone.

Therapist sounds like s/he's hit the nail on the head... I was almost over the depression until mum died last July, then the cat on new year's eve sorry have to be a bit flippant, but it helps!

off to bed now - had a busy day with ds - took him out of nursery to have a day with him as I've finished an essay for tomorrow... and he's exhausted me!

night night!

Hey lowandblue, I think a huge WELL DONE is in order for you . They may seem like very small steps to you but they are in the right direction.

Lowandblue, I'm so sorry I didn't say this earlier - but I think you've done really bloody well too as Madmarchhare said, you have done so well today!!! good on you girl! onwards and upwards eh lowandblue!

Thanks everyone.Am feeling a bit better today.
Getting anxious about taking ds to school tomorrow as i am not sure if he will be tearful when i leave.I hate leaving him like that.It's like saying to him when you need me i will walk away and leave you upset.I know it's all part of the school thing and he has to get used to it but i don't have to like it.

Oatcake sorry to hear about your mum,i know how dificult it can be to come to terms with,especially when you have your own children.

Madmarchhare,thanks for your concern

Sax,thanks for taking the time to check up on me when you are feeling so low yourself at the moment.Hope you manage to sort something out soon.xxx

I imagine that I will be a bit jittery too when it comes to first day at school (am assuming its first day?), but after that first day is over, it wont seem half as bad the next day.

I think its only natural for kids to get a little anxious about it and you must really try to not let him see that you are too. If he does get upset, its only because he loves you so much and imagine his little face when he sees you at the end of the day!

As each day goes by he will grow stronger in confidence just knowing that you will be there for him at the end of his day. Thats the beautiful thing about your relationship with him. See how much you have achieved without really knowing it.

Let us know how it went.

Hi lowandblue - hows things going today? Was ds ok when you left him at school? Were you OK when you left him too? keep us posted as to how you are.....

bump

Hi everyone.Ds had a few tears this morning when i left him but apparently settled very quickly.
He was fine when i went to collect him.
He got all tearful beforw we left the house when he knew where we were going.
It's so heartbreaking.
Am looking forward to our week away,although am feeling a bit down tonight.
It's been a long week and dh has stopped off at the pub every night this week so have had to deal with the children all day and then the bedtime routine on my own yet again.
I thought tonight seeing as we are going away tomorrow he would have been home on time,but here i am 8.10pm still no sign if him.Still have the ironing and packing to do and ds is still up now wanting something else to eat .At least i have got dd in bed.
I find myself sitting here asi do most nights saying this in unbelievable.He is late again tonight and havehad a long day and am not coping very well at the moment.
I was pleased with myself today that i managed to go out with the children alone,and rang to tell dh earlier but obviuosly that's not good enough for him.Yet again i was on a high nd he has brought me right back down again.I have been trying to get hold o him since 4pm and he is not answering his phone!!!!

I keep saying to myself i can't do this anymore!!
And their wasmy MIL telling me how we have things so easy these days,yeh right a dishwasher and washing machine make all the difference.

I am at breaking point and i know this sounds awful but if i hear MUm one more time i'll scream.
Ds is playing up and does'nt give me a moments peace .He is obviously waiting for his dad to come home and i don't know what to tell him.
It makes me so annoyed that dh will probably come in,the kids will be asleep and he'll open a can of beer and crash out on the sofa.No worries.i will have dealt with them all!!!

I almost wished i had said to his mother when she was here oh yeh i have it so easy you don't know the half of it.Let's see i lost both my parents ,my brother died 2 years ago,i have no real support day to day,i am suffering from agrophobia and anxiety,i have been prescribed ads,we are in debt,my ds is having speech therapy,i see a therapist and my dh hardly ever comes home straight from work and i never know what time he will be home or in what state!!!
Easy to deal with ,just keep the house nice and tidy and everything will be fine!!

So sorry for the rant but it was ethier write it all down or stand outside and scream!!!

Oh lowandblue, you are really really struggling tonight aren't you? I'm so sorry to hear that! In future if you've done something you feel proud of like taken the children out, post on here, don't ring dh if he's going to put you down, you did so bloody well - sometimes men really do not understand this condition. This is my sole reason for not telling my dh - he really wouldn't give me the support i want therefore I would regret it!

But, I have found so much support on here. please feel free to use it too becasue you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination and this is a serious issue, not to be brushed under the carpet.

Now, without hassling you - have you had any more thoughts on the ads? I really do believe this is your next step????

tell me your thoughts, I'm here for you lowandblue!

Hi Sax,i just feel that i could probably cope with everything without the ads if my relationship was better a the moment.h is fab with kids and does help around the house but can not see that me not knowing when he will be home is only adding to my anxiety.I feel so resentful thai i am at home struggling trying to keep it all together whilst he is sitting in the pub relaxing ,having an adult conversation and i have been at home all day most days with no adult conversation.To make matters worse he is blarsey about it all when he gets in and thinks he has had a hard week at work and this is how he winds down,WHAT ABOUT ME?
I am just amother now and that s it .it's my job.
I say to him i feel like a robot .going through the motions everyday.My kids are great but at the moment with ds nearly 4 and dd just 2 tantrums,playing up etc it's all too much.

In answer to your question about the ads i suspose i am stubborn and feel why should i put these chemicals into my body for the way someone else is making me feel.If i had the proper support i could probaly just about manage if i knew after a hard day at a certain time someone would be there for me to take some pressure off.

OK reality check - you've told dh how you feel, has he really changed and taken the pressure off???

Is he going to?????

If not then where are you going to get the pressure taken off from????

C'mon lowandblue, you need to think about yourself a little and how you can help you, not try to change situations which maybe aren't changable right now!!

I care, that is why i'm saying this, I hope I'm not being too blunt!

You also know if you've read my posts that I felt the same, didn't want to admit to full blown depression! it doesn't seem real to me either!!!!!

Hi Sax,i know what you are saying it's just admiting to myself that i need help.If i take the ad's and get stronger and then get back to near normal ,come off the ads things will still be the same with dh.Surley he has got to take some responsibility,if not for me for the children.
He fianally came in at 9.05pm and as i expected said sorry and is now crashed out on the sofa asleep.
I hate this uncertainity all the time.Feeling as anxious as a do most of the time i like to have at least some things in my life stable and orgainised.This is just torture.
It's not fair on my children,they ares til young and in their eyes their dad is great which i love to see but as they get older i want some sort of routine for them.I don't want them growing up seeing their mum anxious all the time and fit to bust when dh is so unreliable.
Maybe the old saying it's a man's world has some truth to it.

BUT LISTEN TO WHAT YOU'VE JUST SAID you hate the anxious feeling, thats real to you, so changing dh will not change that, that anxiety will still be there - depression spirals the wrong way if not addressed - please please start taking the tablets, its not a life sentence, you don't have to take them forever - it just will make you feel better (this isn't just about you, your dh and your family - it is ultimately about you and no one else but you - your life is as important as theres!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Does DH know how you truly feel? When you had the chat the other day, did you tell him all the things youve said here? If you think he doesnt understand it may be because he hasnt got all the information.

Hi again sax and madmarchhare.
I know what you are saying sax and i know i can't carry on the way i have been,something will have to give.

Madmarchhare,i have told him over and over again and he promises he wil make an effort and he does over a weekend then monday comes around again and we are back to square one.He has said in the past i will end up in hospital and i am insane sometimes,this being said when he has had a drink.If he truly believes that he must know how bad i am feeling.But still he keeps letting me down and thinks he can make up for it a over a couple of days then go back to his old ways again.
No one could ever really understand unless they have been in that position what it is like to be told such hurtful things whilst someone is drunk and then for that person to forget the next day what they have said.Leaving the one they have said it to ,ie me,to mull it all over in my head and feel so let down and confused.Is it what he really thinks of me?
Thy say people speak the truth when drunk!!!

But you don't need to feel ashamed by taking the tablets - it is not your responsibility to change dh he obviously cannot deal with what he says he will do to support you. Its not enough - you say something will need to give = what exactly?????

Why are you so anti something which may give you some relief from the way you are feeling?