Everythings too much-WARNING LONG

[lowandblue]

Don't really know where to start have so much going on in my head I find myself constantly saying I can't do this anymore.
I am married with 2 children aged 4 and 2.
Am seeing a CBT therapist for anxiety and depression and have been given ADS recently which I don't know whether I want to take as am scared of how it will effect me.
I have just had a home care lady starting to call which HV orgainised and because of my anxiety I find this a hinderence rather than a help as i feel i am being judged on how i am with my children and that i am a bad mother because of my depression and they are watching to see if it is rubbing off on my children.

My ds who is 4 has been referred for speech therapy and is awaiting a second opinion.The sppech therapist mentioned mild dyspraxia and have been reading up on it and am so scared .

My dh is getting to the point like he said tonight that the therapist, Hv and himself in fact everyone is bored with my problems and are waiting for me to do something about it,they have given me loads of support and after 7 months they are all fed up with it.He said the other evening when I misunderstood something he was saying ,you know oppisites like sane, insane
at home ,in hospital.Which he says is my state of mind at the moment and he reckoned tonight that is where i am heading.

My dh also believes i choose to have children and am a mother so i look after them ,he works so it entitles him to go to the pub most evenings after work.I never know what time he will be in or in what state and he turns his phone off which makes me so anxious as i think if i needed to get hold of him i would'nt be able to.

I lost my parents a few years ago and my brother died a couple of years ago due to alcohol.his family live away .I have sisters and a niece nearby who are supportive but have their own busy lives to lead .

MIL is coming to stay this weekend and she knows some of our problems but always dismisses that i am depressed saying i have been depressed and you definetly are'nt.Since then i have seen a cpn and been put on ads.
My dh is nervous about his mothers visit as i am very anxious at the moment and our relationship is not good.I said i don't know if i am strong enough to hold it altogether this weekend if she starts asking questions,and am tired of putting on a act and crying desperetly alone feeling no one is listening to me. He said he would phone and tell her not to come as he does not want her upset.OH,but it's ok to upset me,after all i am only his wife.

He keeps saying i am selfish and it's always about me ,in fact i overheard him saying to my ds your mother is so up her own arse with her problems she can't see anything else.

don't know where to turn.I don't want my HV thinking i am not coping,i get through the day with the children on auto pilot most of the day and then to have no support at the end of the day just makes me feel so alone.Only today i rang dh about 2pm saying please don't be late the kids are driving me mad and i can't cope.He left work at 4.30pm ,half an hour journey got in at 7.30pm
Yet again i had to deal with the kids dinner bedtime etc on my own.I don't know how he can do this after i had rung earlier and said i was'nt coping,he just said you were freaking out.I f he felt that how could he have not come straight home.When he did get in he just picks at everything,toys still on the floor,have i changed the kids nappies recently etc etc making feel a complete failure as a mum.

Sorry for such a lnog rant but am sat here wondering what do i do.I can't see a way out of all this .Am i being selfish,is it my warped thinking and depression that is making me like this or somewhere down the line do other people influence what we think and feel .I sometimes think i am going mad and maybe dh is right i will end up in hospital!!!!!

[madmarchhare]

I really wish I could give your DH a shake for you! IMHO, he does know what hes saying and hes just hiding behind the fact hes been drinking. Its part of a blokes 'make up' that they want to solve things there and then and if that doesnt work then they start to struggle with it. Brushing it under the carpet is the next best option, hoping it will go away that way instead.
Do you see what I mean? Annoying isnt it?!

If you grasp that, then think about this. You have a problem, and you are aware of it. You need to solve the problem and up to now whatever you have done hasnt worked. Agree? So you need to take a very brave step of facing something different, something new, something that you just cant quite get youre head around, simillar to trying to get you DH to fully 'understand'.
This is the good bit!!, you really do have the upper hand here, because you 'understand' what is going on, you can tackle it.

You have an obligation, to yourself and your kids to grab this situation by the horns and solve it once and for all. If you have established that your DH is not really going to be of any real support to you here, you need to give him something to work with, for your own benefit.

I know this is where you are going to struggle, but you need to work up as much will as you have (and Im sure that an awful lot because you do sound like you really want an end to this) and seriously think about what you have to lose if you dont at lest seriously concider taking the ADs. I dont mean trotting out all the usual 'excuses' , I mean looking at the situation in the cold light of day and taking a real look at what is going on here. What the worst that could happen if you took them? Nothing!, whats the best thing that could happen?, you start to get your life back! You regain control of what it is that you want for you and your children.

Please, please think about it. You really do owe it to yourself, and most of all you deserve to be happy.

Keep posting and we can talk again later if you like.

[Sax]

X post MMH!!!

[Sax]

lowandblue - I don't know how much time you get to spend on the internet but if you fancy reading more about depression I am learning more on the depression path see link www.clinical-depression.co.uk/ this was given to me from the forum www.uncommonforum.com/index.php which you may or may not find useful!!!!!!

HTH

[Sax]

Hey lowandblue - hows things going? I'll bump this later becasue you often aren't here in the mornings are you - sorry links below didn't work! Hope you are feeling OK, let us know!

[Pip]

oh lowandblue, I felt really tearful reading your posts. What a terrible time you've been having. You can get through this, though it will take time. You need support.

Your dh has got to try to change. How can he go off to the pub almost every night leaving you alone with the kids at what is essentially the hardest part of the day. He is being so selfish. Did he do this before you had children? This is not acceptable behaviour. When you are at your lowest, he is just ignoring the problem and adding to your burden.

Am pleased to hear you made a friend recently and the lovely feedback and support you've had on MN must be a help. You are not alone in this, please please keep on trying - just get through one day at a time.

I once was told that things get better in 'tiny fairy steps'. Be proud of the small steps you take, they are so important. Set yourself just one simple task a day, going out of the house, talking to someone new at nursery / school.

If you can't get the support you need at home then you need to look for it elsewhere. Please do not spend any more time worrying about your MIL. She is not worth it. You are.

I really really hope you're feeling better soon, your posts have really touched me. Hope I haven't been too blunt about your dh but he sounds so unsupportive & selfish. Put your foot down. How about asking him to come home straight after work so that YOU can go to the pub (even if you just go for a walk)?

Take care.

[Pip]

Just wanted to add that I struggle to get through the day most days - looking after a 3 yr old & a 14mth tearaway - and that's WITH the help of my dh who shares all the work.

You have been really strong handling all this on your own. Helping with a meal the occasional Saturday afternoon does not constitute support. I am proud of you, I wouldn't have held it together so long, especially with all the trauma of the last few years you've been through. Give yourself a break. You're not a bad mother. You are a great mother. And still having the energy for arts & crafts, I salute you. x

[Sax]

bump for lowandblue.....

[Sax]

and again!!

[Sax]

Hi lowandblue, hoping you might check in today, thinking of you and need to hear you are oK!

Sax xx

[Sax]

bump bump bumpity bump

[lowandblue]

Hi everyone,thanks for your continued support.
Have been away for a few days to the coast ,had a relaxed time with the dh and the kids.It was great away to get away from all the stresses for a few days.It was nice to get home though back to familiar surroundings.Managed to get out and about quite a bit and my anxiety levels were low,the kids had a fab time and it felt so good to see them enjoying themselves.

Now back to reality and wondering how i will cope on monday when dh is back to work and normal life resumes!!

Ds has his appointment with a specialist a week on monday.I thought it was to access his speech but had a message on the phone when we returned to say it will be about his development.
Feeling apprehensive.

I am sure my therapist will be in contact next week to see if i have started the ads.Which i have'nt and feeling even more unsure now as i coped really well last week.But then i was on holiday.


Thank you sax and madmarchhare for your continued support.

Pip,thanks for your kind words.

[Sax]

Hey lowandblue, good to hear from you.

Glad to hear you've been away and had a good break, nice to recharge the batteries isn't it!

About Monday - don't predict what its going to be like before the day, wait til Monday and then if you need to you come on here and talk to us if its not going so well but for today - try to be good to yourself and tomorrow is a new day.

Its a positive thing that your ds is being assessed - I know its something you are understandably anxious about but its always worth gettting children assessed as early as poss and if they need help and support they get it if anything is picked up - please try to see it more as a positive than a negative although I totally appreciate it can be frightening - i've been there remember.

Take care and hope your weekend is good. Let us know how you get on next week, we are here for you! You are still deliberating a lot it seems about the Ads aren't you?

Speak soon

Sax xxx

[Caththerese1973]

hi
I haven't read the whole thread - just ther first post. So things may have picked up for you recently. But I wonder, reading your first post, to what extent your depression might be exacerbated by your husband, who sounds as though he is being EXTREMELY unhelpful, to say the least.
When you are depressed you need, and are entitled to, and need, loving support, affection, tolerance and patience. Not a selfish guy who buggers off to the oub every night and probably has an alcohol problem himself. Not a ajudgemental mother in law dismissing your illness, and who you are expected to entertain for a whole weekend.
My ex was very judgemental about my anxiety and depression problems. If he thought I was 'freaking out' he would simply tell me to shut up and get on with it, or, on one occasion, simply cracked me across the face! And of course I had to brook constant criticism about state of house etc (even though he was home all the time and could have helped more if was really concerned).
If you can't find help on the home front, seek it elsewhere! I am in Australia and here there are psychiatrists who bulk-bill (that is, you can see them for free if you can't afford the fees) - are there similar services available in England? A kind and sensible listener, even just once a week, might really help you. TRY the anti-depressants, please! But be prepared for initial unpleasant side affects. In the short term, some people need tranquillisers to take along with the anti-ds in order to avoid increased anxiety from the sudden serotonin surge the anti-ds can cause. If you ever feel really unpleasant when you are starting anti-ds, see your doc and ask for short term anti-anxiety meds (but don't take them for longer than a couple of weeks, as they are very addictive and hard to get off!) Anti ds do work but you have to take them for a couple of months before you will notice any real uplift.
Have you ever visited depchat on the net? This is a chat forum for depressed people. It's really nice. You can just log in - you don't need to have a password. Type depchat in the Google box and you should find it.
Anxiety about your child's speech development must be a terrible strain. But remember that in most cases, even severely delayed children (unless they are autistic, deaf or very intellectually disabled) catch up by the time they are eight or so. I know that sounds like a long time if your child is only four, but you can be almost certain that with therapy he get better and better and be able to lead a normal life.
Be kind to yourself. I don't know what your relationship is like with your husband, but you may even be happier on your own in the long term. Perhaps that is something to think about when you are feeling stronger (sorry if this sounds like an interfering suggestion, I am only going on my own experience).
Anyway, I am rambling on...

[Sax]

Hiya lowandblue - how are you getting on?

again I'll bump this later becasue you don't normally come on in the mornings do you!

[Meeely2]

Hi Lowandblue

Have been reading your whole thread and it was like reading about my life from an outside perspective. the main difference is that my DH helps in the week but not at weekends. My twins are at nursery during the week so we both get time off during the day and then we play and share bath time in the evenings. However we get to the weekend (which I kinda get worked up about as it's a change of routine and suddenly they are all my responsibilty), and I don't see him for dust, even if he's home he's tucked away somewhere doing DIY or playing with his computer.

It all came to a head this weekend and I said all I'd been wanting to say for months (my boys are only 7.5 months old), but it didn't go according to plan - he is way more selfish than I first thought....just like your DH, he thinks the boys are my responsibilty, his role is to entertain when they are being quiet and he hands back as soon as they start to grizzle. Even though we both work full time, it is my job to get up in the night if they squawk. I'm the mummy so I don't get time off for good behaviour until they are at school, he is the daddy so is entitled to an hour or two off down the pub if he feels like it, normally when they are being difficult. I don't clean properly, I'm boring, I'm an airhead, I have issues and I need to sort myself out. He has done nothing wrong, he doesn't need to change, he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, sort yourself out woman.

Anyway, I slept in the spare room that night, woke up shattered, we didn't speak about it, and haven't done since, but he seems to be making an effort, cuddled me all of last night and this morning - even fetched the boys from nursery for me (although I was going shopping in return).

My message to your situation is, you mention that you think the depression will get better if you had more support and that you don't need the pills - I thought the same too, blamed all my bad feeling on him and yes the majority if it is probably indirectly related to him (I should mention I haven't been diagnosed with PND but after last few days am taking myself to GP), BUT even after he made the effort yesterday, was really supportive, I still shouted at one of my twins this morning for crying, even though I knew it was wind and he couldn't help it, I still boiled and yelled at him so loud he cried even harder bless him. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, even if he turned everything around tomorrow you are still in effect 'ill' and need treatment. His support will help of course, but people with the most fabulous husbands in the world still get PND, so as everyone else has said, do take the pills and give yourself a chance to get better, you never know, if you start to improve yourself, he may improve too. I'm not making excuses for him, as I'd never do that for my DH, but if you look from his point of view, he probably feels completely helpless to help you, so his way of dealing with that is to bury his head in the sand. Some men (the real diamonds) would not rest until they knew you were OK and would be there every step of the way, but those men have already been snapped up, so we have what we have, if he won't help you, then help yourself....if he's still there at the other side, then all well and good but if not and you find you can cope and deal with things without him, then you might be ready to discuss where your relationship is headed and you won't be 100% dependant on him anymore.

Look after you first, kids second, DH last...good luck in the journey ahead, I hope you see some lght at the end of the tunnel soon.

I will let you know how I get on - first step is admitting you have a problem which I've kind of done to myself just not to anyone else yet, you're further on than that, so well done.

[Caththerese1973]

I'm a bit cynical (and divorced) but I think that the men often ARE the problem when it comes to supposed PND. Looking after babies and toddlers is SO hard. If the guys can't actually bring themselves to help out meaningfully on a regular basis (I'm not talking about one day here and there that you are expected to be grateful for for the rest of the year)then the least they can do is refrain from criticism and negative comments, shut the f**k up and let you, the mother get on with it.
Sorry for being blunt but some of the anecdotes from this thread make me really angry (towards the husbands that is).

[Sax]

bump for lowandblue - hows this week going for you hun??

[lowandblue]

Thanks everyone for replying.

Since we got back from hols DH says he now apprieciates what i do on a day to day basis .It was the first time since the children are now older and getting more independant and more of a handful that he has spent a whole week with the children on a day to day basis and realised how draining it is.He has been a lot more helpful and has come home straight from work the last 2 nights.Although have been here before and hope it continues!!Trying not to sound negative,he is making an effort.

Am feeling under a lot of pressure at the moment.
I cancelled the homecare lady on monday and her boss left a snotty message on the phone saying i was wasting their time as other familes need this service and she would be contacting my therapist
about this.She sounded really threatning.
I had said all along i do not need this service as my children have plenty of stimulating play with myself and felt it was making them uneasy all these different people entering our house.
Ds has no problem going to school with me when i can take him but as soon as someone comes along to help me he freezes and is tearful before we even leave the house for school.
I just wish these people,HV etc would listen to me.Surly a mother knows their children and what is best for them,instinct and all that.
I have know had another message this morning from Hv and just know i will get a hard time for canceling this appointment .I just feel this is my home,the place i feel safe and could do without people coming in telling me because i have pnd i can not play with my children properly without being accessed.This has gone way over the top.

After i got the call that my dad had passed away a few years ago i had a real problem answering the phone.I have know got their fear back as i don't want to the hv,therapist or homecare.They are putting pressue on me i can't handle at the moment.
Away from all this on hols last week i felt relaxed and only had a couple of anxiety attacks,now i have returned these people are on my back again and building all the anxiety up again!!!


Thanks to everyone who has posted.Your mesages are appreiciated.

Caththerese1973,i think you are right.I don't think my dh can handle the children playing up and properly easy to just stay away from it.

Meeely2-i can see the similarties between us.
It must be difficult with twins.Has your dh ever had them on his own for a day?Do you have any family support?

Sax ,thanks so much for your continued support.
How are things with you?

[Meeely2]

Cath

I agree, Husbands, or rather crap ones can and do make PND all the worse with their lack of support and understanding, I'm not sure if all of them are the CAUSE as such, more the catalyst.

Please don't misunderstand, I am not saying Lowandblues DH has cause to be the way he is, gosh no, he needs to roll up his sleeves and get stuck in, he is definitely compounding her issues, BUT all stories have two sides and I bet if he talked to a stranger/professional he would be having issues right now too, but men deal with things in very different ways. When they get depressed they get withdrawn, shut people out and can often lash out and be hurtful just to get you feeling at their level...women though (These are only my opinions btw, not fact obviously!), tend to lean on their nearest and dearest when they get low or depressed (I know I do) and can be quite open about how they are feeling. So if you have husband and wife feeling the same way as each other, it's just going to lead to conflict.

My DH said to me on sunday during our row, he was depressed too, but he didn't moan about it, he just got on with it, so why did I have to go on about being down all the time, if he can handle it then so could I, apparently. There is no empathy on their part, just because they are feeling it, doesn't mean they know how you're feeling and they don't understand why we need so much attention when they don't.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that Lowandblue (sorry to talk about you in the third party low!) needs to concentrate on herself and her own frame of mind and not rely on DH's improvement to make her better. She needs to take responsibility for her own health so that she can be the 100% good mother she wants to be and perhaps the relationship improvements will follow, but if they don't, at least she will be well and able to cope on her own, if god forbid, things don't work out with DH.

Sorry if that was garbled - and I hope I've helped somewhere.

Cath - sorry to be nosey, did you have a messy divorce, do you still see your ex? I only ask as DH and I were so close to it this weekend and at the time I was petrified of how things would turn out....

[Meeely2]

lowandblue,

our messages crossed on those virtual wires! I have no family support close by no, we moved to nottingham a few years ago and all our family are down south.

DH has on occasion had the boys on his own during the day, but usually only for one feed as I know how stressful tandem feeding can be if the boys play up...however he has said to me that all I need to do is ask if I want to go out - I just don't have the confidence to, I know he can cope really, you have to, but sometimes I honestly feel they are my responsibility, so don't like leaving them (weird I know when all I've been whinging about is lack of support!).

Anyway on a more positive note, DH got up last night at 2am to see to DT even though he was getting up at 5am to go to London! I was so shocked I couldn't go back to sleep - so wasted the opportunity to make the most of it! I have to say, that is the most positive step he's taken in months, usually after a row he sulks and deliberately doesn't help so that I have to crumble and say sorry....

So L&B, DH is improving but your state of mind isn't today, due to other outside stresses and pressures. Suggest now would be a good time to try out those pesky pills? May just get you through the day? Only a suggestion though.

take care

Sax, I will post on other thread too....

[Sax]

lowandblue - I'll respond when i've read the answers to this thread however I noticed you said about anxiety attacks so wanted to give you an appropriate link - come into chat room at some stage if you fancy here and let me know if you change your name - I'm still Sax though!!!!!!! or just post if you need some more support!

[Meeely2]

bump

[Sax]

Hi lowandblue,

Hows thing going for you at the moment?

Well done for cancelling your homecare person - she sounded like she was increasing your anxiety and giving you more stresses than you need, I too would also have felt it was intrusive rather than what its meant for. Sod what others are saying about wasting time you are not, you have valid feelings and yes you should be listened to

I'm glad dh has been a little better - has this continued?

How are your anxiety levels atm? - you do realise the tablets would really settle that down!!! But of course you must come to that decision yourself but please do not dismiss it. Some people suggest writing a log of your day to day feelings and you can evaluate yourself if you are spiralling or actually coping.
Maybe a way of being honest with yourself?!

Thinking of you and hope you check in soon and let us know how you are this weekend. Take care hun

Sax xxx

[Sax]

bump

[Caththerese1973]

Hi
to the poster you asked : 'was my break up messy': yes it was, although we are on good terms now.
I guess what I am trying to say is that if the husbands cannot be supportive themselves, for whaever reason, then at least they could refrain from antagonising the depressed mother with critical 'pull yourself together and clean up this dump of a house' type comments. My ex partner was at times really cruel to me when I was feeling low, and it sounds like low and blue has had a similar experience.
I think we just expect too little from guys. Yes, they may have different ways of dealing with their feelings....but so often one suspects that they are selfish because THEY CAN BE. They can disappear to the pub if they feel like it, get blotto, and come home full of deluded self-righteousness. because the kids are not depending upon them. In the more conventional set up a husband who works fulltime might feel like he has the rough end of the stick. CRAP. I have both worked fulltime and been a fulltime mum and I know which is harder. Especially when, as in low n blue's case, there are anxieties about a child's health (that is, her son's speech delay.) That is just about the most delibating thing a person will ever have to cope with (short of something life threatening in a child like leukamia) and it sounds like she has to deal with it alone.
My heart goes out to you low and blue, and I hope things are picking up for you. Like I said, if the support is not there on the home front, seek it elsewhere, through counselling and/or a women's group if that is feasible.