Everythings too much-WARNING LONG

[lowandblue]

Don't really know where to start have so much going on in my head I find myself constantly saying I can't do this anymore.
I am married with 2 children aged 4 and 2.
Am seeing a CBT therapist for anxiety and depression and have been given ADS recently which I don't know whether I want to take as am scared of how it will effect me.
I have just had a home care lady starting to call which HV orgainised and because of my anxiety I find this a hinderence rather than a help as i feel i am being judged on how i am with my children and that i am a bad mother because of my depression and they are watching to see if it is rubbing off on my children.

My ds who is 4 has been referred for speech therapy and is awaiting a second opinion.The sppech therapist mentioned mild dyspraxia and have been reading up on it and am so scared .

My dh is getting to the point like he said tonight that the therapist, Hv and himself in fact everyone is bored with my problems and are waiting for me to do something about it,they have given me loads of support and after 7 months they are all fed up with it.He said the other evening when I misunderstood something he was saying ,you know oppisites like sane, insane
at home ,in hospital.Which he says is my state of mind at the moment and he reckoned tonight that is where i am heading.

My dh also believes i choose to have children and am a mother so i look after them ,he works so it entitles him to go to the pub most evenings after work.I never know what time he will be in or in what state and he turns his phone off which makes me so anxious as i think if i needed to get hold of him i would'nt be able to.

I lost my parents a few years ago and my brother died a couple of years ago due to alcohol.his family live away .I have sisters and a niece nearby who are supportive but have their own busy lives to lead .

MIL is coming to stay this weekend and she knows some of our problems but always dismisses that i am depressed saying i have been depressed and you definetly are'nt.Since then i have seen a cpn and been put on ads.
My dh is nervous about his mothers visit as i am very anxious at the moment and our relationship is not good.I said i don't know if i am strong enough to hold it altogether this weekend if she starts asking questions,and am tired of putting on a act and crying desperetly alone feeling no one is listening to me. He said he would phone and tell her not to come as he does not want her upset.OH,but it's ok to upset me,after all i am only his wife.

He keeps saying i am selfish and it's always about me ,in fact i overheard him saying to my ds your mother is so up her own arse with her problems she can't see anything else.

don't know where to turn.I don't want my HV thinking i am not coping,i get through the day with the children on auto pilot most of the day and then to have no support at the end of the day just makes me feel so alone.Only today i rang dh about 2pm saying please don't be late the kids are driving me mad and i can't cope.He left work at 4.30pm ,half an hour journey got in at 7.30pm
Yet again i had to deal with the kids dinner bedtime etc on my own.I don't know how he can do this after i had rung earlier and said i was'nt coping,he just said you were freaking out.I f he felt that how could he have not come straight home.When he did get in he just picks at everything,toys still on the floor,have i changed the kids nappies recently etc etc making feel a complete failure as a mum.

Sorry for such a lnog rant but am sat here wondering what do i do.I can't see a way out of all this .Am i being selfish,is it my warped thinking and depression that is making me like this or somewhere down the line do other people influence what we think and feel .I sometimes think i am going mad and maybe dh is right i will end up in hospital!!!!!

[Sax]

Oh dear lowandblue - this is horrid for you. You are not being supported at all by dh, the one person you need to be there for you.
I think it sounds like the visit from MIL is making you work yourself up tonight and of course this is difficult to talk to dh about.

You are not going to end up in hospital - thats a nasty thing to say - you are vulnerable and living with your thoughts which are low and deep and you don't need comments like this to make you paranoid .

You say, he said everyone is bored of hearing about your problems - thats bollocks - he's not spoken to the hv and therapist about this presumably so thats just talk!

You are of course worried about ds and his speech therapy - I know where you are coming from here! Its an anxious time waiting for appointments and referrals so this is something you just have to wait for the outcome from and ask all the questions you need to at the appointments so you are fully in the picture as to what they are investigating and discussing.

It is horrid when its late at night and you are locked away with these thoughts racing around. You have done really well putting them down and hopefully just by posting you feel a little weight off for processing your thoughts.

My thoughts are with you and I'm sorry you are having a hard time tonight. I hope you manage to get some sleep and feel a little lighter in the morning. Take care, Sax xx

[lowandblue]

Thanks sax ,it's really kind of you to reply.
I just feel so alone with all this and it breaks my heart as i have 2 great children who are everything to me and i want to feel like my old self again,whatever that was,it's been so long i can't remember.
Off to bed now and try to get some sleep so i am fresh for the litle darlings tomorrow.
Thanks again sax
xxx

[Sax]

Take care and try to sleep well! (((((hugs)))

[lowandblue]

Bump

[Alannah]

Hi Lowandblue, sorry you are feeling so down. Your dh sounds like a bit of an insensitve oaf, but then a lot of them are . I was trying to think of what options you have from what you have told us and unfortunately the only one I can really come up with is to keep going and try to fight the depression. I think if you were able to hold it together for the weekend and welcome the mil it might be a good thing. Your dh may appreciate it if you said to him 'look I'm feeling crap but I'm going to really try and welcome your mum this weekend' and then, 'is there any chance that you and your mum could mind the kids on saturday morning/afternoon as I'd love to get my hair done, go shopping, go for a coffee, whatever'. In my experience sometimes if you force yourself to do something you feel your not up to, you get a great feeling of achievement and a bit of confidence back. Good luck
Ps if your dh mentions hospital again tell him to hump off and that you'd much prefer to leave him before you'd end up that desperate

[jangly]

I think if the Home helper lady is making you feel worse, you should very nicely give her the boot! Although tbh she definitely won't be judging you. Its no good if its not working though. Take the ads. Try all avenues to start feeling better. Try to enjoy the weekend but make sure MIL mucks in a bit. (I'm sure she will!)

[lowandblue]

Thanks for your responses.Not sure about MIL mucking in though.When we visit her i always end up doing the whole mother thing on my own,cooking the childens food,nappy changing etc and is like a busmans holiday for me.She is of the opinion they are our children and any problems we have are our problems not hers.
I would welcome her as i always do but she has very strong opinions on thechildren,,how they eat,how much they eat ,table manners etc it is very difficult when i am feeling such a crap mother at the moment to keep from getting upset.
The option of her having the children whilst i or me and dh went out would'nt be an option.

As far as dh goes he is a great father but just not very sensitive to my feelings.I can understand it must be difficult for him to put up with me as i am at the moment but as i pointed out in the marriage vows it mentions in sickness and in health!!!

I am trying to shake this depresson and have good days only to be put down again when dh gets home from the pub and brings me down again.Under normal circumstances when he has'nt had a drink things are fine,he helps with the children,housework and is fairly understanding.It's just the uncertainty of never knowing what viewpoint he will hold from day to day and that makes me nervous and down.
Maybe i am asking too much.
I just feel when i have been with the children all day and they are playing up then dh gets home and is critical i can do nothing right.The children don't listen he does'nt listen and i am left feeling unheard and rejected.

I will think seriously about taking the ads as to be honest the gp,hv and my therapist are really pushing me to o this as things are not improving and i am finding it increasinly difficult to go out now.

Just feeli am in for an emotional weekend and not sure how i will react.I reckon if things are getting too much i will lock myself away in the bathroom and take a few deep breaths!!!!

[Sax]

IMO you should be on the ads. They will give you a little break from your mixed up feelings and hopefully help you process your thoughts and feelings. Please take their advice, they aren't all bad with lots of side effects - mine haven't given me hardly any only a little nausea and a couple of spaced out days but thats all subsided. After feeling quite so desperate and down the spaced out feeling was nice, just to give me a break - go and get yourself some and get onto the road to recovery. All the best for the weekend.

[lowandblue]

Thanks sax it'e really nice of you to take the time to send your good wishes as i see from another thread you yourself are struggling with depression.Hope you feel better soon,take care.xx

[Sax]

Thank you, but think seriously about the anti ds!!!

[madmarchhare]

I have had my moments and know where you are comig from with not wanting to take the ADs. I think a lot of it is admitting that you do have a need for them and by taking them its like admitting it when youre still in a bit of denial about it or hoping it might go away on its own IYSWIM. Thing is, it probably wont, especially if you are not getting the support you really need from OH.

I think you really need to sit down with him and talk this through, get as serious as you need to until he understands. Also, tell him that you will not have him speaking to your son about you like he has done.

You obviously need a break from all this as well. Forget the MIL, she sounds useless, you need to anounce to OH that your having a morning shopping/with friends/whatever and make it a regular thing. It can make a big difference with something to look forward to, even if it is just a couple of hours off.

Youve already made a huge step by telling us whats going on in your mind which is great, keep going and you WILL get there.

[lowandblue]

Hi,update on the weekend with MIL.
Am feeling even more like a bad mother and wife than i did before.
Kept getting told that "you young ones have it so easy nowadays with disposable nappies and how in her day husbands did,nt change nappies or do anything to help with the children.
Also because i do a lot of things with the children making stuff etc and don't always keep up to date with the housework she said she never had any patience with all that art and craft stuff with the children and always put the house first,keeping up to date with ironing,baking every day etc and making sure hubbys shirts were ironed every day.I got the feeling that came from when she rang the other day and my dh said i was just ironing,she probably thought why was'nt i doing it.I don't eep up to date with all these things and what is wrong in 2005 with a man ironing his shirts?She went on constantly at ds about how much he put on his plate ,when he was eating ,how much he was eating etc.Then because i am having trouble potty training she said in her day it was a disgrace if a child was'nt potty trained after 18 months.

I just felt like she thought my house was'nt up to standard and made me feel so crap.
Later at dinner we were talikng about classical poetry and she was reciting a poem she had remembered that she was taught at a young age and how children nowadays probably don't get taught poetry in mainstream schools.I said i always remembered the daffodils by wordsworth feeling quite proud of myself to which she replied everyone knows that one!!!!

She then went on to tel me how artistic her other daughter in law was at decorating cakes and was now making them for friends etc,but of course she has to make them in the evenings as she is busy during the day.She has one little girl of 9 months.
I have 2 children but spent most of her visit hinting that i should be doing more everyday.

She will not accept i am struggling with depression at the moment and completly dismisses this.She just saw her son my dh helping with the children at the weekend cooking a meal etc and thought what have you got to moan about.
She obviously did'nt think that this weekend was'nt a typical day when i have the children all week till late some nights cooking all the time and getting them ready for bed etc on my own.

It just made me so annoyed that it probably l0oked all so easy for her.
She is always saying whata wonderful network of friends she ad and how the children went to saty at aunts etc for holidays .I don't have that support network and that can make all the difference.

Oh well shes gone now and i just feel i am not the super woman/mother/wife she think i should be!!!!

[Sax]

I'm sorry you had a bad weekend and I'm sorry you are still feeling like this. I've got to get the boys to bed now but will be on later if you want to chat some more and have a good old moan about MIL. Shes really not important in all this - you are - I'm having a similar problem but its their generation, their anti dil syndrome and their narrow mindedness. You must get yourself right and now dwell on her - she can swan back to her life but you are living yours everyday! Take care lowandblue and i'll be back asap!

[unicorn]

lowandblue,
sorry if I repeat, as haven't read all thread...

plse remember depression is an illness, and regardless of those people who aren't acknowledging it as such, it is/has been recognised by the medical profession for a long time.

You need to get yourself better. You have gone through a lot of bereavement, in a short space of time - I imagine you are still grieving.

It sounds like your dh is having major problems on the support front.

By saying derogatory things to your kids he is displaying his anger (and basically copying his own role model- his mother)

I think he is being exceptionally unkind/unhelpful, but I imagine, like many men, he cannot cope when the foundations (you) are crumbling.

I think you need to distance yourself from unhelpful people,(like mil from hell)and, in a way, consider yourself a bit like an invalid.

You need time to rest and recuperate, I know this may seem a ridiculous suggestion with 2 kids... but is there anyway you can get a break,or just pencil in some 'me' time every day?

I am sorry you are going through this, plse try not to let other people get to you.

[Sax]

Are you around tonight lowandblue? Are you OK?

[lowandblue]

Hi Sax and unicorn,thanks for your advice.
I know i should not dwell on things so much.I tend to re live all the negative stuff in my mind over and over and it eats away at me.The lady i say for CBT therapy is always telling me when i start thinking about the negative things try and block them out and think of something else but it is very difficult.

I told my DH tonight some of the stuff MIL had said to me and that it made me feel inadequate and of it course he turned it around and said i was slagging of his mum and she was only pointing out how things were for her.He said i know how to wind him up and he did not want to talk about it.Why can't he see things from my point of view?
It upset me,but all he could see was that i was slaging his mum off and he was'nt having it.
Never mind that i felt under valued.

Things always seem so black and white with me,part of the depression probably.It's just my MIL nad DH make everything seem so easy,when in reality it probably is in my depresed mindthe smallest of things canseem so difficult.My mil has no idea what i am going through and does not seem to want to know.I tried explaining once before only to be told i was'nt depressed you are functioning and when i tried aain over the phone got the phione put down on me and no contact for a few weeks.

I have had the anti depressants sitting in the cupboard for a week now and still don't know whether to take them or not.

I am scared to.Scared how will i look after my children if i have a bad reaction and as my DH says he can not take time off work if i am ill.
Scared if they make my anxiety worse.
This whole weekend was me putting on a front for my Mil like i do for anyone who visits,my family,
HV ,therapist etc because if i told them truth how i was really feeling i am frightened they would think i could'nt cope looking after my children.

My whole life is day to day anxiety and worry and is a real strain to motivate myself and stop myself feelng on edge all the time. I don't go out that often so sometimes when i am just in the back garden and a bird flys by and takes me by surprise i jump out of my skin because i am getting used to not going out in the real world.
My children are everything to me and are what gets me out of bed in the morning to focus on them to stop me thiking too much.I take them out when i can and my DH takes them often as i don't want them to suffer.They are fab out going children with no anxieties and i want to keep it that way.

[Sax]

ohhh dear lowandblue you are really having a hard time tonight aren't you. Tell me about the tablets - what are they? what are you scared of? did the dr tell you what side effects you would have with them?

please talk to me lowandblue!

[Sax]

imo the tablets will give you some relief from the desperate, anxious, panicy, on the edge feelings you've been having. They have made me feel calmer and more detached but I still look after three children and they get fed and played with etc. No one is going to judge your parenting just for taking anti Ds.

[hettie]

I am so sorry you are feeling rotten. Can I offer some advice about the AD?s? If you have been prescribed them, then they are have been offered as something to help you with a genuine ill health problem. If you had diabetes, would you turn down insulin? I know there has been a lot of bad publicity about side effects etc, but these really don?t affect everyone. My DH had the same anxieties about taking them, but didn?t regret taking them (despite some side effects when coming off them).
Depression and anxiety can often be a downward spiral, an ever decreasing circle where you get lower and lower. The thing about AD?s is that they break that cycle and allow you to help yourself get out of it. You sound like you have taken lots of positive steps and are doing really amazingly, I hope you start to feel more like your old self soon whatever you decide to do.

[lowandblue]

Hi sax and hettie.
The ads i ahve been prescibed are mirtazipine or known as zispin.The male nurse that came to see me said they were fairly new and would cause a sedative effect .They can cause increased appetite,nightmares,sleeplessness,drowsiness.
About a year ago i was on cipramal 20mg a day but made me feel spaced out and numb.
The male nurse said these may be more elpful to me .I had to fill in 2 questionaires and he said from those he gathered i had a servere anxiety and depression problem and very low self esteem.
He also said what would my family think if they saw the answers to my questionaire,he thought they would be worried about me.

My DH is againest me taking ads as he says i have been through so much and i am a strong person and can get through this.I don't know what to think.
All i know is i feel so selfish,as my dh says i am so wrapped up in all this that people ,family etc are probably getting bored with it and want me to sort it out. I can't explain to them i really want to but something is making me feel so down and alone i can't get passed those feelings.

When i tried to explain to MIL she just said oh we know what your like as if i was being awkward and feeling anxious on purpose.
Must stop re living negative things people say to me .But the more you hear them the more you think they must be true.
My dh thinks i can just snap out of this and i am beginning to wonder if i am wasting all these peoples time who are trying to help and their is nothing wrong with me.
Then again they are the professionals not my DH and MIL. and am sure they would'nt waste time and resourses on me if they thought i did'nt need it.

[Sax]

They do not hand out anti Ds willy nilly - you know in your heart of hearts that you were prescribed them becasue you need them. You are not being given the correct family support atm and you are feeling very isolated and alone. I can appreciate that and I believe you do have a very low self esteem not helped by dh and MIL putting you down.
Depression as its already been said on here can be a downward spiral if you are not getting the help you need. You are not going to be able to just snap out of it (or you would have done already - yes????) so you need to start thinking about yourself.
If you are that anxious about the tablets how about going back to the gp and discussing the side effects anxieties with him?
You seem to be openly agonising about this - I think therefore you are coming to your own conclusion about what you are going to do.
It is your mind affected here, no dh's therefore although you may feel you don't have much control over things, this is your decision made easier by the fact it was advised by a professional that you need them.
If you have a bad reaction you go back to the gp and have them changed. You aren't going to suddenly be unable to look after your children - you do know that really don't you?
What are your thoughts now?

[lowandblue]

Hi Sax,i remember when i took the cipramil they did help my anxiety i did feel more laid back but they also made me feel numb and unable to cry even if i wanted to.My dh said they made me act very carefree and i did'nt seem to be myself.He says the house became a mess and that was not like me.I see where he gets it from about the house having to be tidy and orgainised as his mother is always up to date with washing,ironing etc and i know he was brought up with his mother doing everything .She is a good cook and has strong views in everything.I always feel a failure as his family are all succesful and have travelled the world where as i came from a working class background and have never felt good enough.Her other daughter in law is a german teacher and has been on masterechef and can do no wrong in MIL nad FIL eyes,i just feel like i am no one.More to do with how i feel about myself as dh says but i am sure that is what they think of me.I can tell by their tone and how they react to me.His mother is from the old schoolof thought that the women do everything and it's alright for the men to go down the pub and come back when dinner is ready!!!!

I know i would still be able to care for the children if i took the ads it just worries me.

[Sax]

BUT AS SOMEONE KEPT TELLING ME RECENTLY YOU ARE ILL - SOD THE HOUSE - WHAT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!

[Sax]

I'm off to bed lowandblue, please consider the tablets to help you try to cope better and feel calmer. The household can wait a little, your dh really needs to accept this isn't just you feeling a bit under the weather - its serious!
Take care and we'll chat again! Sax xx

[lowandblue]

Thanks sax,
Night,speak again soon x