I think I have pure ocd...please help

[idontlikethisperson]

I have namechanged

Been going through very stressful situation recently, split with H. The last 3 years have been immensely stressful and I have been holding it all in.

I've been having counselling and the counsellor said that some of my thoughts were obsessive compulsive. Reading into it, I realise that I am actually so.

I have so much shame of the thoughts I have, I find it deeply depressing and cannot cope with day to day sometimes. Takes me ages to get out of the house, carry on with my life with DD etc.

I realised I had episodes of this in the past (I worried I was gay for about 3 years, not because I was but because I could have been, not because I was attracted to women, but because I could be). Now I'm worried I could harm my daughter, or abuse her. Not because I would get any pleasure out of it, but because what if? The thoughts are so distressing.

I realise in other aspects of my life I have OCD traits. Checking the front door several times when I go out, doing a lap of the house a few times to check things are off, checking the plugs are off, checking my bag to see my purse is in it - things that never really clicked until I read about it.

I know they are only thoughts but it makes me feel so sad and affects the way I am with my DD. These thoughts have only sprung up in the last week, I wasn't like this when she was born, when she was a tiny baby - only now. And I love her more than anything.

Why does my brain do this to me? I find it so upsetting.

I know you should let the thoughts just be there. Please tell me exactly how I do that?

I really would like to hear from other sufferes, I feel so awful.

How was your day idontlike?

Hi morningsun

it's been emotional!

I've been at my parents all day and had very good chat with my mum. But then I came back and met up with x for dinner and chat about it all. He knows I've been very down and the OCD thing. I don't think he realised quite how down I was until I said I thought he should look after DD because I can't cope with it.

Solution being he is going to try to pay for her to go to nursery (she 3 in July) until her grant comes in.

I'm so upset and angry with him, which he hates hearing, but when your x (of 2ish months) can't understand why I would be upset if he was seeing someone else (he's not, but he doesn't understand why I would be upset), it brings memories all flooding back.

I've been crying all evening and he's coming first thing in the am to help with DD before he goes to work. I feel a failure for him having to do all this but I just can't function.

I'm going to try to make an app with GP tomo, I do have AD's but I didn't take them, so I think it would be good to just have a chat first.

I feel so so depressed. I never quite fully accepted I was depressed until today. I know that's why it has triggered the OCD stuff, but the worry of all that has made me feel so fragile and like I can't deal with it all.

Thank you for checking on me morningsun, it is kind of you.

Hi!It sounds like a lot of progress has happened today idon'tlike~thats really good.
You do sound depressed and anxious to me~I hope you can communicate how you are to the gp tomorrow.
You can say you're very down,anxious and out of sorts,waking up very early in the morning worrying and feeling low.
I was wondering if you feel really hopeless about the future and things getting better~that is also a symptom.
I don't want to be nosy but if you sorted out issues with your exes behaviour would you be thinking of getting back together~seems like you have strong feelings about the break up.
Well done for chatting to your mum and getting help from ex~that is brilliant.
Try and have a bath and warm drink and get a decent sleep if you canx

Also though if you want to chat i'm around.

Thx.
Yep I'm all of the above, I'm hopeless, I feel a failure, I feel I've let everyone down. I've been waking regularly in the night, early morning etc. I feel like I'm in a fog all day and no energy, it takes me ages to get out of the house.

Also, mild panic symptoms, feeling like I can't breath but almost holding my breath?!?! Tight jaw, feeling constricted, feeling like I'm going to flip out.

I don't think we will get back together. X said tonight (after I told him how pissed off I was at being left in with young baby and his selfish behaviour) that he has been miserable for years. In his words "What would I like for him to do, come back and put his feelings aside for the sake of everyone else, be miserable and end up commiting suicide?" There you have it, I must have been an awful bloody wife.

I can't work out what I did wrong. Long story, got together young, but whatever happened in the past, it doesn't have to affect the future (or so I thought). I thought we could work it out, but he can;t. He thinks this is for the best. Translation in man speak - "I would like to piss off but you not be upset with me, because I need to be completely selfish, but at least look like I am Mr. Nice Guy. I would like to sleep with as many people as possible and you not be upset with me. I'd also like you not to get upset"

So as much as I would love to have my little family together....not going to happen.

Thank you for listening to my moaning morningsun, I gather you've been in the dark depths of where I am now and am out the other side?

It sounds really sad about the break up~the only possible comfort i can think of is if he was selfish,self absorbed and unhelpful with you and your dd before,thats a reflection of his character not you and would crop up again in the future ~whether with you or someone else.Its a hopelessly self centred thing he said about moving back in~nasty and insensitive.
You will get the opportunity to form a more equal relationship with a man with better personal qualities in the future ~who will make you happy and look after you.
Would you consider asking the GP to fill out a referral for homestart~NOT because i am saying you are not coping,but because it will give you support and is totally confidential.It is a trained volunteer who befriends you ,for emotional and practical support.You can also self refer ~some people are down,some are isolated,some are ill~its open to anyone caring for a child under 5 yrs.
Yes I went thru a really horrible time a year or two ago due partly to a traumatic event~I felt overwhelmed in a state of fear, hopeless and distraught,but i feel fine now and so will you~its just difficult to believe that at the moment.
I was surprised how no one seemed to know how awful I felt and something struck a chord with me about your posts~a real depth of despair.
When you get over this you will be wiser and stronger I promisex

equal in terms of him helping out as much as you I mean

i've just read all these posts, i'm 4 years down the line from where you are, idont, and what's fascinating now is being able to see the same pattern that i had, repeated for so many people, even though the specific stress trigger and the anxiety/fear/compusion/unwanted thought is different. i was stressing over bereavements and post natal stuff, and frightened of anything calamitous - war, illness, global warming etc. Reading your posts supports my understanding of what i went through and makes me feel perfectly justified in continuing to take prozac. I had loads of cbt before starting it but as soon as it kicked in (4 weeks) i was completely normal. 4 years on i still revel in thinking about the things that used to worry me, and now just don't. however, i did get a bit cocky last year and stop taking them, with hideous consequences. a few weeks of ok followed by a very severe crash (including obsessing about hurting my dd, just as you describe in a kind of 'this action would be awful, oh now i've thought it maybe i won't be able to stop myself doing it' way) which lasted for a month until i started taking the tablets again ,and another month waiting for them to kick in. the upside was i lost 1.5 stone which of course has come back now that i'm happy . hope this helps. talk to your gp, ask for a referral and take some appropriate meds. you'll feel so much better you won't believe it. good luck.

idon'tlike
hope you are ok this morning and still going to make your appointment
here we can get appts on same day[or next day] if we ring early but if you don't want an urgent appt just make one for this week.
If you do go,keep it simple~you feel down,not sleeping and waking early,anxious ,hopeless and low.
If you are worried about phoning ,if they ask what the problem is you can say "its a personal problem" that is quite acceptable.
Good luckx

Thx morningsun and goodbye

I didn't call gp today

Just managed to get about by 11am. At that point DD and I went into the garden to plant sunflower seeds and dig around abit. Felt anxious and ill at ease. As if the fun I used to have had been taken away from me because of the obsessive thoughts.

But I am going to phone GP. I've got counselling on Wed too, so something to look forward to.

It is upsetting this relationship stuff. Sent ex an email at length, not accusing him but telling him how I feel about it all. Very sad to be honest! He's strange, he came round this morning to help and is round at the moment to help. But I don't want his help in a way, because it's like pity, its like he wants me to get better so he can feel better. I feel under pressure now.

He's strangely selfish, by that I mean he loves his DD, but he's got this course he's on, for 2 whole years, 36 weeks of the year. Started last Sep. 4 nights a week and a Sat am. And I'm left in with DD.

This comes first, not his DD. In that it is so important to him, that on the weekends that he has her, he doesn't get her till he's finished. When I told him I need him to take her for the whole day so I can get a break, instead of taking time off the course, he's going to still go into college or try and get friends to look after her! And he doesn't understand why I am angry about that.

Argggggggh.

Is all I can say.

The stress is all too much and this is why I am at the place I am now.

But I hope you had a good day morningsun x

idon'tlike don't think things have been spoilt by the thoughts~they haven't~just your current perception of them.
btw are you perfectionist by nature~just a thought![I know I am]
Are you having a break from the thread~if so all the best!If not,keep posting!
I had a great day thanks my ds was off on an inset day and i didn't realise until this am [duh]
see you laterx

Hi Idon'tlike,
There is definitely hope - please don't give up. Almost all the time now i am really well and i have been there in the past - the darkness of depression feeling there's no hope. Please just find a bit of strength to believe that it is an illness - it will get better. When you get those 'what if' thoughts just say to yourself (or out loud if poss) "it's not me it's just OCD". I totally understand the thoughts can be very overwhelming but IT IS possible to work with OCD and come out the other side stronger and wiser. If you read the 'Brain Lock' book that i mentioned it has lots of stories of hope and lots of techniques for managing OCD. Just to refer to your post -
"Then all of a sudden it hit me. What if I'm the exception to the rule, what is stopping me, its like it's taunting me and I don't want to comply. How do I know I never will? I need concrete proof and I dont understand why I am wondering so much about it." - I have had those thoughts and i bet pretty much anyone with OCD has had those thoughts -
Part of OCD is that you want proof, for things to be certain - and of course nothing can be certain. With your counsellor you can work through the certainty/uncertainty thing. I have and it has been very useful.
One of the big things about managing OCD is not that suddenly all the thoughts go away but instead your relationship to the thoughts change- once you get on top of things a bit you will see that you can have a violent/nasty thought but just see it for what it is - just a thought and not ruminate on it or wonder 'what if...'
I'm sure you know techniques for managing depression but anyway here goes:
Be gentle and kind with yourself - just by your posts i can tell you are not an 'awful wife'or a violent person - try to catch those thoughts and see them for what they are - they're not the truth - it's just part of being depressed.
Try to eat healthily - if poss
Force yourself to get out of the house every day - even if it's just round the block. It may seem really unenjoyable at first but staying in bed just feeds the depression because all you do is think.
Make a plan of a few things to do each day even if they're very simple things - just to have a focus to get out of bed and achieve something.
I know that it's just so hard when everything seems dark and frightening but i promise you WILL get through this with support and love. Even though things may not seem worth it - such as getting outside or making a nice meal - just do them anyway and trust that over time these little things will help in your recovery.
take care.

Thanks guys

I will get the book.

I am going to get out with DD today.

I think the realisation of not being able to control everything has hit me. It's not like a control freak "the plates have to be in a certain way" thing, more like "if I can keep everyone safe it will be alright".

That's why I get so upset with thought of x moving on. Well that and the hurt of rejection. Its like I'm trying to stop something bad happening to myself and to my family. But I can't - it's hopeless to try and strangely calming to accept it. Even if my emotions are all over the place.

I very much hate being in this position of feeling so vulnerable. I have always tried to stop myself from feeling so vulnerable and upset. Always trying to be upbeat and positive. Ignoring things.

I'm slowly getting there but it is very painful and I hate it.

Thank you for your advice I am going to get out today.

Its a horrible feeling and I know oneday it will pass, but just not yet.

idon'tlikei think that frenzy of keeping everyone safe and alright is from when something happens that makes you not feel safe~and from stress of holding it all together for so long.Its like a huge feeling of wanting to control everything~I think I thought I could stop the world turning if I thought about it for long enough[and if it would hurt my ds]
The way i dealt with it was to turn it round and think
yes,dc might have another accident but I will be fine cos i will ring 999/call GP/check him myself~I WILL DEAL WITH IT IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS rather than in advance.
This is empowering and means you can start to relax,believe in your capabilities and that you will get through.
It is painful to process whats happened but believe in yourself,that you will cope and are capable and you will relax and the fear will go.

hi morning et al
sorry i havent posted for a few days.

I've been trying to get on with things, writing lists of what I need to do each day, desperately trying to occupy my mind.

I've been slightly better and the completely manic manic-ness has lessened - it's still there in the background, but I have acknowledged a lot of things about me, and who I am and that I am a generally anxious person.

The last weekend was terrible, I was feeling anxious the whole time, nervous, worried etc. I couldn't control it, and because I was feeling worried it made me think "well I have to worry about something, there must be something causing it, it must be because I would hurt my DD". That was awful.

It's a big muddle at the moment, I haven't got Brainlock yet, but am going to get it. I've also tried to change my diet and cut out caffeine, sugar, bad things, and that seems to have helped slightly.

I don't know, I strongly wish I wasn't this person. But I guess it's me.

Bump.

Hi there is anyone around?

I'm feeling really anxious this morning, cant shake the feeling.

Just general anxiousness, feel very nervous, can hardly eat....argh. Of course my mind is trying to tie it in with a thought (there is no thought to this anxiety, just a feeling of worry) so I am starting to think "whats this all about, am I worrying because of my old worry, am I worried I will hurt my DD", which I know it's not. I have had quite a few good days and now this.

How do you deal with just the general feeling of worry?

I think it's because I got really upset about the situation with my H last night. Its sent me for a tumble maybe?

Bump

Please someone talk to me.

Had an awful day, feel like I'm in the pits of it all.

Feel very depressed.. Almost like I don't want to raise my DD, because I'm so mixed up and have these thoughts. I hate the depression for making me feel like this. I want to be the old me who loved my DD, who thought she was the best thing ever, who'd check every night that she was safe in bed, who'd sometimes bring her into bed with me just to have a cuddle, who'd lay on the sofa with her whilst she napped and enjoy how gorgeous she was - because it wouldn't last forever, who'd love hearing her little gurgles in the morning.

I hate this stupid anxiety. I feel like I don't want to be a mum anymore, a single parent. I can't do it. I'm too tired.

idon'tlike
Hi ,sorry you are feeling bad again- only just seen your new posts
just to let you know will put the thread on watch and here to talk as you wishxx

hey morningsun
thanks for replying

yeah not feeling great.

Am fed up with general anxiety - am trying to do things to distract, enjoy being with DD. BUt whatever it seems like the OCD or whatever it is comes back with avengance, with some other concern. Not really sure what to do.

I'm so upset that it is affecting my relationship with my DD. Last month it was me and her together, I'd bring her up, I'd do it all, we'd be alright, I'd provide for her, I'd give her a good life....now it seems I am unable or incapable of being able to do that. I hate myself for having those thoughts and the more I try not to think of them, the more they come back in other ways, or I'll get other thoughts and instead of thinking "oh thats a wierd thought, nevermind, let it pass" it just makes me think that I am completely awful.

It tires me out and I keep trying to get out of this big black hole I'm in. Every time I try to crawl back out and am feeling okay, I'm dragged back to where I was before. I hate it. I love my DD but find it so hard to cope at the moment.

Hi there,I think I understand what you are saying and can only try to reassure you it will pass but would urge you to seek teatment from your GP.~simply because it sounds very distressing.
Ask for CBT and the AD which helps with ocd[I know there is one but can't remember its name].This might come from GP or from community mental health team which is a fairly new service.
You don't have to tell the GP about your fears of harming your dd[or rather its a fear of a fear really,isn't it?]just thatyou are getting obsessive thoughts and anxiety and its very distressing.
So sorry you are going thru this and i hope you can think of it not as a failure on your part at all but that the stress you have been under has caused an excess stress reaction in you that won't switch off.
In the meantime try and get out and about with dd ,also look after yourself with baths,good food etc,chat with trusted friend/family if you can.
Will try to find a good linkxx

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall.aspx

hope that works,just click on obsessive compulsive disorder[obviously!]
I do think one can be on the sort of spectrum of ocd but mildly,maybe as a reaction to excess stress.

THank you so much morningsun - so helpful.

I have read it briefly and the info is amazing, but I'll re-read it in greater later. Thank you for thinking of me and chatting to me x

I'm hoping one day I'll feel a happier person.

I even got up early this morning to go to the supermarket - a change from my lying around in my pj's till 10am....

idon'tlike~glad to hear you sound a bit happier
Hope you have a good day todayxx

THanks Morning Sun

Today was the most productive day I've had in about 2 months. I cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed the floors.

I'm feeling better although "shaky" - by that I mean I can see just how badly the anxiety had me in it's clutches and I can see how awful the obsessing was, it's mostly disappeared but still there - I can feel it still going to happen and I'm slightly aware of it.

However, I've a whole day to myself tomorrow so am going to make the most of it.

I hope you had a good day? x