I think I have pure ocd...please help

[idontlikethisperson]

I have namechanged

Been going through very stressful situation recently, split with H. The last 3 years have been immensely stressful and I have been holding it all in.

I've been having counselling and the counsellor said that some of my thoughts were obsessive compulsive. Reading into it, I realise that I am actually so.

I have so much shame of the thoughts I have, I find it deeply depressing and cannot cope with day to day sometimes. Takes me ages to get out of the house, carry on with my life with DD etc.

I realised I had episodes of this in the past (I worried I was gay for about 3 years, not because I was but because I could have been, not because I was attracted to women, but because I could be). Now I'm worried I could harm my daughter, or abuse her. Not because I would get any pleasure out of it, but because what if? The thoughts are so distressing.

I realise in other aspects of my life I have OCD traits. Checking the front door several times when I go out, doing a lap of the house a few times to check things are off, checking the plugs are off, checking my bag to see my purse is in it - things that never really clicked until I read about it.

I know they are only thoughts but it makes me feel so sad and affects the way I am with my DD. These thoughts have only sprung up in the last week, I wasn't like this when she was born, when she was a tiny baby - only now. And I love her more than anything.

Why does my brain do this to me? I find it so upsetting.

I know you should let the thoughts just be there. Please tell me exactly how I do that?

I really would like to hear from other sufferes, I feel so awful.

nichole

btw thank you for posting your comments, it is good to know there are other women suffering. It is horrible, it makes you feel awful and I don't know about you, but all I want to do is be happy with my DD

How old is your DD now. Listen, please make sure you talk to people. I was talking to a friend today about all my irrational worries and she was totally cool. In fact she suffered OCD as a child and still has some traits, suffered various things and thought all of the thoughts I had.

You are not alone.

I know the fear of "what if" is awful. I'm thinking of you.

(P.s. like you I love kids and want to work with them, so find this deeply deeply distressing)

Thank you. I have found a site and it is fantastic and has been really helping! I have downloaded for free so many helpful CD'S, I couldnt recommend anything better its fantastic!!!www.controllinganxiety.com/dsp_downloads.php. Also as a child I suffered a little OCD with having to do things three times not twice, as I thought something bad might happen strange isnt it! I hope all you other mothers are doing ok today, my thoughts are with you all, we are all in the same sort of boat here and its great to be able to share my story and get some help so thank you to you all

Nichole

I'm glad the downloads are helping you, let me know how it goes?

I was reading that people who suffer from OCD tend to be intelilgent, highly sensitive people, often with a very strong moral code.

So the reason maybe why we get these thoughts of harming our children is because we love them so much, and worry about not being able to protect them or about the worst thing happening.

I know for the past few years I have been so concerned with trying to stop everyone getting hurt, pleasing everyone(especially selfish ex-h) that this is the end result - my nerves are shot! My body is telling me to take a break, and in a wierd way, this whole episode has stopped me thinking about ex-h and started to claim back some of my own self and time.

I feel bad to my daughter as I feel I should be there 24/7, since her dad decided marriage wasn't for him, but I also know that I need to be healthy in order to care for her. So that means it's okay for her dad to take her away for the weekend. Even thought I hate it. It's really very hard to face that,though.

I always have to be doing something, tidying up, cleaning, washing up, putting washing on, mentally doing things that I am exhaustedto my core. Perhaps you are exhausted too, a need a little time to yourself? Even if it was a couple of hours on a Sat pm....just to sleep, or go have a coffee?

idon't~i agree and thats what i was trying to say in my post.
If you are sensitive and intelligent,often trying to think ahead and think what others are feeling etc,in times of stress this can get out of hand,and if it goes on too long,will cloud your judgement when you need it,as your head is full of so many thoughts.I don't know that this is actual ocd,more obsessiveness from stress.Try hard now to reduce stress and be confident~you can't prevent the future,better to be calm and get common sense approaches to illness,accidents etc in place now.

Hi backtonnormal

Thanks, sorry sometimes it takes ages to process what people have actually said - you were saying that to me It's just dawned on me that's what your thread was about!

I have had a child free weekend and I feel a bit bad because I missed my DD but not loads, I've been so tired I desperately needed this break. With the break and rest my anxiety levels have dropped by about 40%, so I guess this is how I know it's the stress.

I was able to be me and talk about adult things. It was amazing. I didn't clean, didn't put the laundry on, just did the bare minimum. So very hard but I loved it!

This morning I just feel nervous all the time. Im hoping this will go

Idontlikethisperson- Thats really great that you relaxed everyone needs it it shouldnt feel bad.

I was quite anxious at times but I think I am doing better than I thought I might. I had this strange thing happen today I wasnt anxious for a while then all of a sudden when
I went to change my daughters nappy while doing it I think but I dont know..... this is the weirdest thing If I thought of smacking her bottom and I tapped her leg not hard or anything but when I tapped it if I did even tap it did I? thats when I thought was I thinking I could of thought of smacking her bottom and my body automatically did something by tapping I am soooo confused its kinda got me worked up a bit I talked to a doctor at maternal mental health and she thinks its my mind playing tricks hmmmm, do you know anything about something like this I am trying so hard but this anxiety thing is a killer and it finds ways to get in,I thought I had combatted and new all I had to deal with in my head then it does this to me its so confussing that your minds can do things
in ways you dont think it will, I feel like who has the control will I act out on these feelings automatically???? I dont want to have to get nurses in just so I feel someones there I am really determined to bet it and it feels so uncomftable having a nurse just there watching me, sorry to have to put this all on you, I really appreciate the help you are giving me thank you.

Listen, I'm not the best person to talk to about this because my brain reasons along the same way.....but.....I think its the what if scenario. My brain does that too.

Like what would stop me from doing something, your brain makes you do things all the time, so how come it doesn't make me do what I'm thinking about....?!?!?!?!?

It's awful.I hate that feeling. It's almost like your brain is testing you to the limits.

One of the poster here recommended a book, I think it was Total Chaos who recommended it, called "The Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer". It's about obsessive thoughts. Perhaps you should order it? I've ordered it, hopefully getting it tomorrow

I know what that feeling is like, it's awful. But can you call a friend or someone to have a chat, talk about things, take your mind off things. If it makes you feel better, can you call one of the nurses.

There is nothing wrong with you. If you are like me, you love your DD more than anything and what you were having was a normal random thought that EVERYONE has. The only problem is that the anxiety fuels the worry even more.

Someone told me (and I'm trying it) to either go, "Im not thinking about this now, I'll think about it later" and distract yourself, then go back to it later.

Or try, "oh that's a wierd thought", don't fight it, let it happen and pass. That's hard for me to do, but you may be able to?

Also, when I am really panicky, I've been cutting out all caffeine and excess sugar, and junk food. Does help! I've also been taking vitamin B complex, apparently good for the nervous system, and omega 3 oils. I've been doing internet research and it says that lack of Omega 3 (amongst others) can cause anxiety.

Well I don't know if it works yet, but worth atry. Not saying it's the cure all, but at least I can be anxious and healthy!!!!!

Do not beat yourself up about it, that's what I do. Its hard and I think I'm this evil person. But actually, it's just a thought, it's not you, its a thought. Also say to yourself, that's my anxiety talking. Not me.

Its hard and I wonder sometimes why I get all this anxiety, but I guess in this life, everyone gets something - and we get the worry gene

Please continue posting.. Don't feel like this alone. Someone will always be along in a bit. MN has been a bit of a lifeline for me recently!

Thank you very much that really helps, do you know what the tapping of her leg was about was that me automatically starting to do something it wasnt hard or anything I dont even know if I actually even ment to tap her leg??? Its so confussing aye its like your mind gets use to dealing with the anxiety and then when you think your well boom!!!

nichole
the reason you thought of smacking her bottom is because you are desperately fearful thats what you might do~not because you will do,just because thats what you are most scared of doing as it would make you an abuser/mad person/bad mother in reality.

Its just fear, and that fear is making you obsessed with the idea of the worst thing you could do.
Basically you are frightening yourself stiff and then by almost experimenting with the idea of tapping her leg its as if to torture yourself even more that maybe you might do something wrongor did something wrong iyswim?
And theres so much adrenaline going round you can hardly remember what you did do~ like me in the car.

Relax,it is totally clear to me you are feeling overly responsible for your little person and are not going to harm her in any way now or in the future.Be confident you are a brill mum,so desperate not to harm your child it is an obsession.
Face the thought,then move on from it and be confident.

So stop torturing yourself,thoughts spiral out of control the more you think about it.

The thing is I think I tapped her on her leg automatically as if the fear acted out did i I would hate myself soooo much if I ever did anything to harm her

well when we get in a panic we sort of act in that adrenaline rush and its hard to remember~you wouldn't hurt her,just as you didn't hurt her by tapping her,but its like when you lift them up when they hurt themselves~its done in a big whoosh.
Try to reduce any stress you can in all areas of your life and talk it thru as best you can with someone close~also meet up with loads of mums to share experiences.

Hi there

Nichole I know how it feels I was doing ok for a day and had my counselling session last night.

Then whoomp, hit by this overwhelming fear of what if I did hurt her, why didnt I hurt her, what's stopping me from hurting her.....why don't I just hurt her if that's what I think I'm going to do, I'm an evil person....etc etc.

It's horrible and awful and I hate it. I don't want to be this person and I don't like this feeling. My DD is more to me than anything but at the moment the strain of looking after her mainly by myself (although x-h does do some)is a crushing burden at times. The full responsibility is scary.

I think it is because he used to say we got married young and it was too much etc, and I just got on with raising our daughter. But now he has left, I think, blimey I'm too young to be doing all this parenting stuff too and I want to not have this responsibility.

It's not that I don't love her, I do, but I think it is hugely unfair that we got married and then he decided to up and leave his responsibilities, and leave them all to me - so he can go off and do whatever he wants! He's going to go away for 2 months in the Summer, so I have got the whole responsibility! What fun is that for me?

That's part of the reason why I am feeling and getting these thoughts. Its almost like my brain is trying to persuade me that my DD would be better of without me.

I really hate it. Anyone out there who can offer some words of advice, I would love to hear from you...

idon'tlike~hi
well done for recognising that the responsibility is a lot for one person with little or no support~its entirely normal to feel like this and your worries are a result of you awareness of how much you matter.
Its really hard and its good you are asking for help.
Google homestart and see if you would be interested in getting a home volunteer to befriend and support you both for you and in your parenting.It is not statutory[is a charity] is completely confidential so they do not communicate with anyone else about you IN ANY WAY unless there is concern about the child[and if there was concern they tell you first].And NO your fear does not qualify as a concern.
Also make the most of your local family centre which offer play sessions,parenting courses and a safe environment.
get out and about as much as you can,talk about your anxieties which will help to normalise them also i don't know how old your dd is but there are free nursery sessions for 3 and 4 yr olds now i think~ your family centre will have the details.
I think your mind and body are telling you you need some breaks as a regular thing,also some emotional support and practical support~we all need that actually in parenting you are not alone

also if i can reassure you i will~you are not at risk of harming your child,you are distressing yourself with fear that you think noone can disprove,therefore it could happen.No,it won't happen its just fear and uncertainty.
Would you hop over to the "anyone else struggling with anxiety" thread,some of us post most days just to voice your worries and get a handle on them.
Could you think of yourself as such a dedicated parent,so desperate to get it right and not do any wrong you are upsetting yourself?
I really wish i could take this away for you but can only offer you hope~this will pass and you will be relaxed with your child again.Think of all the days you thought you might harm her and didn't~evidence it is just fear,not reality.
Its like when i used to be at the top of a cliff and think..what if i stepped off? I didn't want to, but what if i did...etc
I never did.
Also would it help to think of yourself as a very intelligent and sensitive person who sees all sorts of possibilities and events as fluid and that is why you think these things are a possiblilty?
Can only repeat,it is FEAR not REALITY ~ you are not a risk to your dd,I promise you.

Thanks Morningsun

I'm trying to tell myself that and I feel like sometimes I can hear it.

I just wish I was like I used to be with my DD, loving and happy and more like me. I feel so alien. I wasn't like this last month, or the month before.

I know it's fear but it is really scareing me. I'm so tired I feel I am walking in a daze most of the day, too tired to even do the most mundane things. It's because of all the stress.

I hate having such horrible thoughts, they aren't me, they aren't what I'm about, but the paranoia of "what if" is tearing me apart.

I kinda wish ex-h would take her off of me and then I wouldn't worry about the fear of my hurting her. I feel I'm no good for her and me at the moment.

I can feel a full blown panic coming on.

I am so tired of this rubbish. I'm so angry at ex-h for leaving me and leaving me with this anxiety. I'm so fed up with not being able to get a grip - I was okay at first (he moved out 2 months ago, but we decided to split end of Jan) and coping, doing things with DD, thinkng about sorting out work and childcare etc. Now I am a floundering wreck who can't get a grip. I hate it.

Thank you for your response though, I will keep reading it and reading it. Hopefully something will get through.

You can do it but you don't have to do it alone.
Have you got parents or sisters/friends at all?
How old is your dd?
Try this link www.home-start.org.uk

parents or sisters/friends nearby to help at all i meant

yeah I do. It's tough for me to ask but I do.

Im seeing my mum tomorrow and staying there all weekend.

I'm going to ask if she can have DD one afternoon a week or something. Perhaps I could go swimming or just be by myself for a bit. Would be nice.

It's wierd but my ex dropped round an old noticeboard of mine, from when I was about 20. It had pictures of my friends, my life at that time etc. It was literally a snapshot of the "old" me. I was sad and happy to see it. It was almost like this board had given me some kind of hope. That I wasn't like this then so perhaps I can get better. I don't know.

Its like giant steps. I was sad because I wanted to be that person again and I can't anymore

I think sharing her care is really important for both you and your personal development and happiness and that feeling that someone else is involved just lifts the weight from your shoulders a bit.
I reread the thread and saw your dd is nearly 3~does she or will she go to nursery soon now then for you to have a regular break?
It sounds very much to me that you have been looking out for your dd and everyone else but noone has been looking after you and your emotional reserve is used up.
Try to feel proud of the care you've given your dd,look after yourself with rest and good food and talk things thru with a trusted friend if you can.
If you feel very down ,are not sleeping or are waking very early in the morning,go back to the gp as well.
Hope you get some peace of mind soonx
Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for being like this,its because when you are under stress there is only so much we can take before exhaustion takes over.
Have a look at "The Human Givens" approach to well being that goes thru the different things we need in our lives to be happy and functioning.

Hi there. I have lived with OCD for years now. Those violent thoughts you are having are totally normal for OCD - you are not going mad. They are classic OCD symptoms. Thinking something and doing something are completely different. It's part of the OCD to wonder what if I did do that...what if this ...what if that...
There is a great book called Brain Lock which is very helpful in understanding OCD realising that the thoughts you have are very common in OCD and very helpful in learning to control the OCD - it's completely possible to live a normal life and understand OCD for what it is - you are not evil or bad and you will not do those things you think about. In fact most people with OCD are the opposite - they are kind and caring and would hate to hurt anyone or anything. I have found citalopram and Cognitive Behavioural Counselling to be very good but learning about and controlling OCD takes work by you and it's hard work but very worth it. 'Brain Lock' gives you a way to work with the OCD.

Thanks - I'm going to look up that book.

I've had a really strange day, thought it was all going well until and hadn't had any thoughts like that, until it happened again.

Then all of a sudden it hit me. What if I'm the exception to the rule, what is stopping me, its like it's taunting me and I don't want to comply. How do I know I never will? I need concrete proof and I dont understand why I am wondering so much about it. I know its because I'm giving it too much atttention but it feels like an addiction. I hate it.

I'm tired of this now and I hate feeling like this.

Do you ever have days where you don't think like that at all?

Well its that feeling of wanting a guarantee,of being completely sure everything is safe and ok and you won't do the bad thing you're scared of.
When your stress levels get less,you won't feel like this anymore.
Its almost like you have so much responsibility theres a short circuit in your brain and you can't let go of normal worries~in case something bad happens when you relax.
Talk all your worries thru,reduce day to day stress and take care of yourself,gradually it will go and you will have days you do not think like this at all and then that will become all the time.
Have you been to your gp to ask for CBT?

I know. I'm sorry for being such a drain.

I am having counselling at the moment and she is CBT trained, although we've been talking about other things. I might ask her that we can direct our sessions to purely about the OCD stuff until I can calm down.

I can't get out of it. I woke up really early this morning. Feeling crap. Obsessing about x with someone else. He's not but what if. Feeling the pain and agony. I don't want to go thru this.

I just want to stay in bed all day. I know I am depressed but I can feel myself sinking lower and lower and I don't even want to look after my daughter. She's not in any danger, I'm doing all the things I should be and taking care of her, but it just feels so much . I'm looking at her now eating her grapes and I feel so sad that I am a failure. For having these thoughts, for letting her down.

My x doesnt like to hear me say if I am peed off with him or that I'm hurt by the way hes acted, he tries to be all nice when he comes round by doing small things round the house, paying for my counselling and treatment, but if I tell him he is selfish (which he has been incredibly so over the past 3 years) he gets angry with me. I'm quite justified to say it though, eg when our DD was 5 weeks old and had to go to the doctors (eventually it turned it she needed an op)my x called me a paranoid mother, because he was annoyed at having to take us to the doctors. I couldn't drive, as I had c-section. He was annoyed because he was supposed to be going out for a drink with his mates and he couldn't.

Then when she was 8 weeks old and in hospital with a viral infection, he left every night at 7pm to go to his drama practice. Didn't stay with us, or see if I was ok.

Its been like that ever since, his hobbies, rock climbing, acting, running, golf etc etc. Staying out till 5am with his mates, I could never have a lie-in because he would get the baby but bring her back into bed with us.

Now, I was feeling okay when we first split and trying to sort out myself and DD. But I HATE the fact that these thoughts have come into play. I love my daughter, I love children and want to work with them. I just feel I can't do any of that anymore because I have worried about these thoughts. Even though I know they are not rational.

I'm in the pits. Sorry to ramble. I just want to cry. I feel so sorry for my daughter. I feel I can't look at her with the love I had because I am so bad.

idon'tlike
so sorry you are having a bad day
Did i miss whether you are on antidepressants~waking early in the morning is a sign of depression and you also have a very low mood and anxiety and guilty feelings~if you are not on them ring tomorrow to see your gp asap to get assessed for some.
so sorry you had no support from dd's dad~its quite a shock when people let us down isn't it?Also very stressful to have to deal with those negative emotions as well as shoulder all the care of your dd.

I hope i can reassure you
1.you are depressed,stressed and anxious,that is a condition that makes you feel guilty and worthless~you have not failed your dd and she can't read your mind,you are struggling emotionally but once that has gone you will be back to your old self~I promise you.
2.You have shown yourself to be a dedicated parent thru thick and thin for your dd~I really admire you~this has all taken its toll on your well being tho and now you must look after yourself by seeing the DR and reviewing your treatment.
3.The pain and exhaustion you feel will go and you will feel happy again.

1. You are not a failure~far from it and you have not let your dd down.

Its very painful where you are today,I know from experience.
Distract yourself by caring for your dd and make a plan to see dr tomorrow.
Keep posting today,chat to you laterxx

Thx, I will let you know how the day progresses. I do appreciate your help.