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Original poster

Got myself in a bit of a mess, eating issues and self harm

79 replies

ABitWrong · 09/02/2009 21:37

Have had ishoos with both in the past but now I'm in trouble again.

I am cutting my arms, which I know is not ideal, but it relieves the pressure in my head.

I also have eating problems stacking up. These take different forms. Sometimes I simply can't eat, sometimes I crave food but am scared to eat. Eating makes me feel guilty.
I love the light-as-air feeling I get when I am running on very little food.
But I'm feeling trapped by it. I don't know how to get back to normal.
I am also vey scared that it will go beyondmy control.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 00:50

And? I KNOW that but I didn't say it for the good of my health you know!!!!!!

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 00:54

I like you frumpygrumpy. Do i know you?
Hang on, do you know me/

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 00:59

I don't have a clue who you are and if you knew me you would call me fg. Do we care? I have felt shit and you feel shit so that makes us on the same side right?

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:00

Your tone just had a familiar ring, that's all.

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Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:02

I think if I go to the doctor I will feel all naked and then there will be a WAIT before the next thng hapens, and I am not good at waiting.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 01:03

I'm in Scotland so read everything you see with a Scottish accent And it automatically comes with a 'do it or I'll shove yer head into that wall' commandment.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:04
Grin
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Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:06

I am scared though

Atm I can sort of pretend things are okay. Sort of.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 01:06

Well, no rain, no rainbow.

My doc tried to get me to speak to a chatty, nicey, nicey counsellor. I knew it wasn't enough and so I found my own counselling psychologist and had to pay privately but had an easier/better/successful time. Don't be fobbed off with a diluted effort. And waiting is the same as doing nothing and letting time pass with the added bonus that good will come in the end.

frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 01:08

You are not pretending things are ok. You are attempting to hide it but knowing in yourself you need to do something more. Thats why you are here. You need to start the ball rolling, no matter what it takes and no matter how hard it is. Fight for you. Would you fight for someone else?

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:09

So did the blackness actually go? I have bouts of depression too.

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frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 01:12

Yup. I began to see things properly. It meant heartache once I understood why I was feeling so bad.

And I'm not finished......I had a crap first counsellor then it took me 4 years to build up to going again. I met a fabulous counsellor but she has just moved away and so...........I am unfinished but need to start almost all over again with her colleague. I haven't done that bit yet but I know I need to. And I will. Because I don't want to go out in a puff of smoke and have my children set out on the road with baggage. I want them to walk their own path with my experiences as guidance.

The blackness lifted and won't come back. I just have to deal with the anger and debris now.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 01:21

Thank you for telling me. I admire you.

I do want to get better for the sake of my children. I'm not much fun atn

I am going to sleep now. My eyes keep closing and my connection is very intermittent,

Thank you for talking to me and I hope you continue to journey well

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frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 01:25

Keep posting. Talking on here made me realise I was not the freak I thought I was. It played as important a part as any. I watched depression wipe out and take the life of a friend. The hurt it left behind was/is so bad. Why wait to see if it gets better? Take it by the horns and change it into something you are proud of. Sleep well. Sleep easy. And tomorrow do something darling x.

Unbuffy · 13/02/2009 11:32

Hi, how are you feeling this morning? Sorry I coulddn't keep posting last night, had to cope with grumpy dd all night long. so this morning am feeling pretty rough myself. lack of sleep always makes things feel worse. i totally agree with frumpygrumpy. it's the hardest thing to grit your teeth and admit it but i'm afraid it's the only way. it ain't quick and it ain't pretty (a bit like me this morning). Keep fighting. We're all rooting fo you.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 13/02/2009 23:00

I think my eating problem is out of control.

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frumpygrumpy · 13/02/2009 23:47

So what is stopping you taking a step to changing it? What holds you back?

brightongirldownunder · 14/02/2009 04:41

Please ask for help. Frumpygrumpy's given you some fab advice. You have recognised that you have a problem, thats the first step. With the eating - what stops you the most? Is it something thats happened in the past or how YOU think you look. How long have you had this? Is it something you've controlled before?
Sorry for all of the questions, its just that I had an eating disorder for almost 20 years and still fight it daily. Just wondered if I could help you.

swoosh · 14/02/2009 04:57

What great posts on here. Threads like this remind me about why MN is such a great place.

CuriousSquid · 14/02/2009 12:34

do you know what? If your eating has YOU thinking there is a problem then please go and get some professional help.

CuriousSquid · 14/02/2009 12:41

sorry, i am not coming across very well am i!

I mean that if the pattern you have of eating (or fasting or purging) is making YOU worry despite what you initially wanted out of it then its time to ask for help to change

I think i better leave the thread before i make things worse!

ChocolateStartFish · 14/02/2009 20:32

you need professional help.

this is a diversion so you can pretend you are doing something about it.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 14/02/2009 22:20

ChocolateStartFish, i think you're right

CuriousSquid, yes, that is what is worrying me. The fact that it is worrying me .

BrightonGirl, it's not to do with how I look. It's more that I fel guilty eating. And now it is becoming a physical thing as well as mental.
I was having bad evenings but today i have thrown up nearly everything i have eaten. I ate more than usual and each time I couldn't stand having it inside me.

I went through similar years ago, can't remember how I sorted it out in theend.

But this is exhausting

still waiting to hear from BEAT helpline. Am in touch with Samaritans by email though.

I find it hard to get time to get to doctor etc, as well as being a coward.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/02/2009 23:59

ABitWrong, you just have to reach out and take the first step. My friend recently stopped eating, vomited if she did, took laxatives and self-harmed - behaviour she's repeated for decades. She did finally contact her GP recently and a whole team of people are being (slowly) put in place to help her. But if you don't tell someone you're ill, they can't do anything to help you.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 15/02/2009 00:30

Well, if I don't get it sorted in the next week.
Can't do anything in half term anyway.

Thank you all for your kindness and advice.

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