Got myself in a bit of a mess, eating issues and self harm

[ABitWrong]

Have had ishoos with both in the past but now I'm in trouble again.

I am cutting my arms, which I know is not ideal, but it relieves the pressure in my head.

I also have eating problems stacking up. These take different forms. Sometimes I simply can't eat, sometimes I crave food but am scared to eat. Eating makes me feel guilty.
I love the light-as-air feeling I get when I am running on very little food.
But I'm feeling trapped by it. I don't know how to get back to normal.
I am also vey scared that it will go beyondmy control.

Please stay on here - I agree that its a diversion to talking to someone in real life, but we'll make sure you do that too. (MN v.good at butt kicking - I have experienced this often!)
So if bulimia has really set in but you can recognise it has (took me years to do that) then the next step is to talk to your gp and get some help. Don't wait to hear back from anyone - it could take forever and then you'll give up. The EDA (as it was then) never got back to me when I had it reallly badly - presumably not enough staff to cope with huge number of cases. So I went to a GP and eventually to a counsellor. GP wanted to prescribe me pills but I knew I'd throw them up so talking to someone neutral was the only step forward for me. Also and maybe you should do this first, talk to someone you really trust - close friend, family member?. It can help so much if you are able to share what you're going through. They may be able to help you attend appointments etc.

Take care of yourself - try and rationalise why you SHOULDN'T do the things you do to yourself. The way I stop reverting to bulimia again is by picturing my daughter every time I want to make myself sick. Its worked so far.

My friend was also given a suggestion that she should lie down on her left side (dunno why the left specifically) for half an hour or so after eating, to help prevent vomiting. She found this really helpful. Perhaps you could try this, ABitWrong?

Thank you for sharing that BrightonGirl.

OldLady, that sounds like a brilliant idea but my opportunities are sadly limited.

Today was better than yeterday, but with such effort! Just the thought of managing the day makes me tired before I even get up in the morning.

How old and how many are your DC? Do you have a dp/dh to help you at all? And have you made an appointment to see your GP yet?

nag, nag, nag!

My friend is going for her second counselling session tomorrow. She's also scared and avoidant, but determined to beat it this time. And she looked so well when I saw her a couple of days ago - just a week of trying to eat and managing not to puke has made such an enormous difference to her attitude and energy levels!

You can do this!

4 of them, aged 3-12. Dp yes, but not asking for help because I'm not telling anybody what is going on.

Can't make appt yet - can't use phone privately, can't get to surgery alone. Just have to manage this week. Somehow.

Ah, sorry, I'd forgotten the half-term thing. (My DSs are grown). What my friend did (with the agreement of her dietician) was to eat soup to begin with - she feels if she can drink it, it's not "food", and so feels less need to bring it back up again. I've been making her fresh vegetable soups and blending them right down to liquid, then putting it in a flask, so she can take small sips as and when, without feeling overwhelmed by it all. That's worked quite well, after a dodgy start, and she's now managing to eat soft foods like pasta, custard and yoghurts. Could you give that a go? (I understand you might not be wildly enthusiastic about cooking atm)

OldLady, what a wonderful friend you are.
i might try that, but you are right about cooking.
Still, I have to cook for the dcs.

Evenings are my downfall, precisely because I am in the kitchen, and start reaching for handfuls of cereal, anything, in a frenzied sort of way.
With a horrible giddy feeling because I know exactly what is going to happen
In binge terms it is pitiful, because my stomach is so small - maybe I have to counter the throwing up before learning to eat again. Maybe they are separate issues. I don't know.

I can eat some toast, if it is dry and crisp enough. I have to be so careful not to have too much though, because once i have thrown up a certain foodstuff, I can't trust it again.

Oh dear, I am really screwed up i think.

Sorry, long post, but typing it helps me think.

I'm sorry, I really don't know anything about the bulimia aspect - my friend (let's call her Sara, because that's not her name) is mostly anorexic, with only the odd bout of binging and purging. She has used laxatives as well, but not often recently. She's described having food in her belly as having worms, writhing to get out, till she has to vomit - is it anything like that for you?

She also finds it easier to eat vegetables than meat - the fat makes her feel particularly bad. Could you try nibbling on raw fruits or vegetables? They have less smell than cooked foods if that's an aspect you find troubling, and of course there's less work that goes into preparation if you feel you're "not worthy".

Sara had her first "proper" counselling session this afternoon, to address the sexual abuse that lies behind her behaviour. She had an awful night of nightmares, things coming back to her, and almost wimped out. She did resort to cutting in the early morning, but we got her bandaged up and an emergency psychiatric social worker called round later, (she was great) so Sara made the appointment on time. I sat in another room, but when she came out of the counselling session she was smiling ear to ear! She knows there's a long way to go and that there will be setbacks, but she's made the first step and is feeling really positive. I hope you can, too.

Thank you for telling me about your friend. She is very lucky to have you!!

When I eat in the evenings, the food doesn't even get to my stomach, it just feels wrong on the way down.

I tried to make an appt today but they didn't have one for the right day. Blah. All that psyching myself up for nothing.May have to wait ANOTHER week.

Good on you for trying to make the appointment - I know how very difficult it can be, Sara's been let down more than once because various people have been ill/on holiday and had to cancel, and her despair when this happens is almost palpable.

How are you at eating earlier in the day? Are you managing to eat anything at all?

Please keep trying to get that GP appointment. It is a PITA, and services are not great, but they are out there. And people here will help, too.

offers hugs

ABitWrong - i'm here if you need to chat about what you're doing. You can sort it out HONESTLY. I have. Why not get on here when you're thinking about eating and purging and let it all out MN-stylee instead. Oldlady's been giving you some great support I can see.
Well done for trying with the appointment - another step forward. Focus on the fact that you called them, don't think about the date not being right.

How are you about juices, soups and smoothies? That helped me - I just tried to imagine they were food free and it worked. I started on watered down juice and worked up to the other things. Please keep in mind what you are doing to your body every time you make yourself sick. You're stripping your stomach of its lining, your teeth will be losing their enamel, your skin will look dry and grey and your hair will loose its condition, you may very well start developing things like reynauds syndrome (where your fingers and toes start to lose their circulation.).Just a few of the things that if you really start focussing on sorting this out, you can turn around. Sorry to sound so harsh but I'm still suffering from 20 years of doing it and there's some things I'll never sort out.

I so know that frenzied feeling. Its like you're out of control and you can't stop your hands from grabbing food and cramming it in your mouth. Please remember that so manyother people are going through this too. You're not bonkers, you're just having a tough time and rather than scream and shout at everyone else, you're taking it out on yourself.

Stay in touch.

OldLady, I love hugs

I am managing about 2 pieces of toast earlier in the day. For some reason this is safe food and I'm not going to question it. Nor do I want to push it by trying to have more.

BrightonGirl, thank you.
My bad time is an awkward one for talking freely on here
I do know about the physical effects but it's not enough to stop me. I have to turn this behaviour pattern around somehow.
My fingers and toes do go numb quite a lot
I did find a miso soup yesterday and had that and it was okay but then I had something else afterwards so it all went
don't think I could face juice/smoothie, too full-on.

It's the evening I really need to crack, the time when I have to be in the kitchen cooking for dcs. It's like being on a rollercoaster, I know just what is going to happen and I can't stop it.

Thank you for your support.

I didn't throw up today
I am exhausted. And thinking about food. Must sleep.

Thats fantastic - a day off! Well done - keep reminding yourself how much better you feel without being sick.

Sorry I wasn't around earlier. You're doing so well to have "safe food". It will get better. When you cook at night, do you pick as you're preparing the food? That's what `i used to do. Have you tried putting on some music and singing or dancing while you cook? I know that sounds insane, but it really does work. every time you try and eat something force your self to drop it and sing some of the lyrics to the song! (no-one needs to know - maybe get DC's involved!)

The numbness in your fingers and toes may well go when you start eating normally again so don't worry about that.
Most important thing is to sort out why you are doing this to yourself.
Wish i could fly over and have a chat. I know what you're going though and really don't want you to put yourself through it for as long as i did.

How are you today, ABitWrong?

I did so badly today

At one point I thought I was throwing up blood but probably just scratched my throat.

Yes, cooking time is the worst. Well, any kitchen time. Handfuls of cereal are my downfall.
But I wasn't keeping anything down today

I need some help with this, it's just so damn hard to arrange things.

I am scared to start each new day, so afraid it will go wrong, no matter how hard I try.

Please - talk to someone NOW. I'm beginning to think its not going to help you on here as you can talk about what you have done rather than what you are GOING to do. You need to sit with someone and tell them what you are doing. Is there anyone you trust?
You may have been vomiting up your stomach lining, but if it looked like blood you really have to get immediate help.

Please try and tell yourself that your DC's and DP need you - you'll be no good in a hospital bed.

Can you tell me where you live? I may be able to find someone to call you.
Sending you lots of love and support from Downunder.

Remember:- one bad day does not mean you are going backwards - the day before you weren't sick once and that was such an achievement.

PLEASE listen to Brighton. What she says is right. Nothing will change until you can start thinking about what you are going to do, not what you have done. You are unwell and you are making yourself physically ill too. The longer you leave this, the harder it will be to talk about and to fix and the more likely there will be long-term consequences.

It is hard to find the time to get help. But you must. Because if you don't, it will end up being taken out of your control and, believe me, it is much better to for you to make the first move than to have it forced on you.

I'm sorry to sound harsh.

it's okay I am going to do something, this is just marking time until I can. I am up to my eyes in children this week.

Look after yourself too this week. You can CAT me if it helps.

Doing my best. Been mostly good today,

Tanks BG. I don't think I'm CAT enabled.

Thanks not tanks

I don't mind tanks! Let me know if you want to get in touch though. I'm sure there's a way of doing it.
Great that todays been good so far.

Changing my name so much I feel like a yoyo!

Yes please BG, that would be good.

I wonder if there are any MNers we both know... are you on facebook?