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Mental health

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Original poster

DP couldnt even look after DS for 1 poxy day!!

19 replies

juicychops · 07/04/2005 13:41

me and my DP made an agreement that yesterday he would have DS all day. it would be my first day to myself since DS was born 11 weeks ago. i left them at 10.30am went out and came back for half hour before meeting a friend at 1pm. the whole time i was out i got texts and calls saying DS was crying and i have to come home NOW!! i said no, he has to learn himself how to look after his own son. by 4.30 he was getting really horrible and saying come home or else!! i rang him to speak to him but he put the phone next to DS who wsa crying his heart out. i hung up cos i got upset and called back a minute later. he did the same thing.
i was having a really nice day and i didn't want dp to totally ruin it so i went for a drink with my mate just up the road. DP brought ds down to the pub, dropped him off with me and left him with me.
all together he didn't even have him for 7 hours...not even a whole working shift! he tells me my job is easy looking after ds all day every day while i have to work, but he couldnt even do it for 1 day! He said he is never doing it again.

OP posts:

Toothache · 07/04/2005 13:49

Juicychops - Obviously he felt totally overwhelmed by the situation, but he behaved really badly and I'm for you!

However, maybe he needs broken in a bit more gently than just chucked in the deep end and told to swim. Perhaps, once everything has calmed down you can suggest you go out for only an hour or 2....and gradually build up to a whole day?

He had no right to upset you like that, but if that happens again you should go home and take over since he clearly isn't coping with the baby. He's probably really scared of being left alone with him again unfortunately. I'm sure it'll blow over though, and he NEEDS to learn to look after him! You weren't broken in gently so it seems so unfair that he gets the luxury of the gentle approach, but needs must. Men can be such delicate creatures...

Kayleigh · 07/04/2005 13:50

will post again when i have calmed down.

tarantula · 07/04/2005 13:50

Im gobsmacked JC Dont know what to say but whats his problem? Why was poor ds crying so much and what was he doing to sort it? Whats he gonna do Cop out of fatherhood altogether Tell him hes a wimp. Sorry thats not really very constructive is it?

Kayleigh · 07/04/2005 13:51

Toothache, you are being much to kind to him. My immediate reaction was castration

Original poster

juicychops · 07/04/2005 13:55

he has been broken in slowly. he has taken him shopping for a couple of hours at a time about twice and to the park a couple of times but he just isn't that interested is doing much with ds. its not like i was given an instruction manual when i gave birth. i have had to learn everything myself. all he says is 'im crap you do it you are good at it... he doesn't like me'. the thing is, ds wont like him when he is older if he doesn't spend time with him. its no good for him wanting to do all the football at the park stuff when he is older cos if they don't bond now then ds wont want to know when he is older.

OP posts:

Toothache · 07/04/2005 13:56

Lol Kayleigh - You didn't see the part of my post I deleted!! Trying to be all PC these days.

Although I can understand the point you were making Juicychops by not going home at his request (demands!!).... I don't think it was a very constructive thing to do. He panicked and acted like a twat, and in the process scared and embarassed himself. You know what men are like.... he probably feels like it's a blight on his manhood that he couldn't cope, that he's a failure.... so he had to assert his authority in order to avoid feeling emotionally castrated by the situation.

I'm sure he'll calm down and see sense..... eh... I hope!

Original poster

juicychops · 07/04/2005 13:56

i dont know what to do to make dp start doing more

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 07/04/2005 13:57

Agree with Kayleigh, totally selfish behaviour. tbh my dh wasn't keen on looking after babies when small but had to do it on Saturdays while I worked. He gradually got better. Now he'd have no problem.

bundle · 07/04/2005 13:59

little & often is key imo, 7 hrs too long for first go..it's a tough job (as you know) and in as far as your dp/ds are concerned, you are the expert..

chipmonkey · 07/04/2005 14:00

juicychops, I wouldn't agree that he won't bond with him later if he doesn't bond now. When your ds gets past the crying nonstop phase it will be a lot easier for your dp.

Kayleigh · 07/04/2005 14:00

Maybe he needs to start with a regular short amount of time. Being regular means he has no option (just like you have no option the rest of the time). Maybe you can arrange something for yourself once a week for a couple of hours. This is then your time and it is not negotiable.
He'll soon get used to it

He is using the 'im crap you do it you are good at it... he doesn't like me' thing as a cop-out. He will never be "good" at it until he tries.

Toothache · 07/04/2005 14:00

Juicychops - Posts crossed sorry!! That puts a different slant on it.
If he's just shirting his responsibilities by playing the "You're MUCH better at it" card then he is out of order!!!

You are right, you ds isn't suddenly going to want to develop a bond with his father the minute he can kick a ball... what if he doesn't like football?!?!

I don't know if you can 'make' him spend more time with ds. But can you make him see all the magical moments he's missing out on? Does he have quite traditional views of the role of men and women? Or is he just a male chauvinist about the childcare?

Tissy · 07/04/2005 14:01

maybe the baby was crying because he wanted his Mum? If he has not experienced a protracted time with his Dad (who may be a bit cack-handed with the nappy changes, and may not know exactly how warm the milk should be and just how to soothe him)it may have been very unnerving for the little one (not to mention the father). Babies spend nine months knowing very little but the sound of their mother's voice and the feel of her heartbeat, and if your dh has been a fairly "hands off" Dad till now, maybe he was disturbed by the unfamiliarity of it all.

My dd was very clingy for the first 4 months of her life, and I don't think that I had a whole day out until she was 11 months old.

I agree that your dh was dropped in the deep end a bit. You'll have to work quite hard to build up his confidence as a parent again if you want any more days out.I agree that taking it a little bit at a time is probably the right way to go.

iota · 07/04/2005 14:03

IME most men are pretty useless with small babies. My own lovely dh wasn't very good with them, but on the plus side he's great with them now that they can walk, talk and go to the toilet.

Evesmama · 07/04/2005 14:07

after that he should owrship the ground you work on for doing such a good job as he has proven he cant do it!

bundle · 07/04/2005 14:08

when dd1 was around a year i insisted they go out & do something together (it was a saturday morning music class) and i got a couple of hours off

MrsBigD · 07/04/2005 17:17

JC
oh my how horrible.
gotta love the 'you so much better at it' cop out. Saying that when DH looks after ds and dd for 4 hours or so it's 'the whole day' and he couldn't possibly do anything else around the house . I think it's a man thing. And the 'your job is easy looking after ds'... well obviously it isn't otherwise he'd be able to to it too...

I did leave dh with dd (before ds) for a weekend because I had to go away with work (for a jolly to Madrid). DH invited a friend to stay with him all weekend to keep dd entertained...

After 3.5 year he's getting better at it though I still feel like I'm imposing or asking for a favour if I want to get out and he has to look after the kids... don't ask me why... they're his kids too, so why should it be a favour iykwim...

MrsBigD · 07/04/2005 17:17

p.s. when my dh said something along these lines once I suggested I go back to work and he be the SAHD... well needless to say he's still working

Tommy · 07/04/2005 17:57

My DH first had DS1 for the whole day when DS was about 6m - DH actually said to me - "I really didn't realise how tiring it is...." and then fell asleep on the sofa! - Result

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