I can't take it anymore

[mama2boyz]

Things are getting too much for me.
I've been on Ads since DS1 was 10mo - he is now 3.5years old and I now have another DS 14mo.

I am so exhausted
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
I have gone up 4 dress sizes and i feel like an ugly, disgusting mamouth
Last year I lost 2.5st on Slimming World but I stopped and it's all come back on. Would have been too expensive to carry on as what kept me going were expensive diet yogurts and SW HiFi bars.

I'm tired of breastfeeding, not sleeping, being so huge that clothes in the shops are limited, fed up of not being able to go shopping/having a coffee/browsing in a bookshop by myself.

I love my kids more than anything in the world but I feel that I am not good enough to be their mum and that they would be better off being adopted.

Is there ANYTHING I can do to compensate for being woken 4 times a night? Please tell me!

Will I ever feel like a woman again?
Will this depression ever go?

One thing at a time.
Sort thr night waking first
do you have a partner to help you?

Yes but he needs to be cogent to go to work the next day.
he's never been willing to settle a baby at night

Mine are older now so not really able to svise about night waking? Try some books or speak to HV?
Could Dp look afterr DS's for a few hours on the weekend so you could mett up with afriend for coffee or something?

"I feel they would be better off being adopted"
Please don't believe that - you are so important to them. They don't know how exhausted and down you are. To them you are the most lovely woman in the world.

I wouldn't normally suggest weaning off the breast (as an avid supporter of BFing) but at 14mo, it wouldn't harm your DS2 to be weaned, if you think it might help you (in terms of not having to do nightfeeds, or getting a bit more control over your body). It is really hard to eat well and get any exercise with small kids, but if you weren't BFing then you'd probably be able to leave your LO with your partner more in the daytime and perhaps go out for a walk or something you want to do for yourself.

Is there anyone nearby who you would be happy to leave your kids with for a few hours a week so you could try to kick-start some fitness activity? That might help you in terms of your self-esteem as well as your depression.

I don't know much about Slimming World, but had a flatmate on Weightwatchers system before, and she lost 2 stone eating normal food (not branded diet products) but just by adding up the points they allocate to them. Lots of her recipes were normal meals that looked nice and would have been suitable for all the family. Perhaps someone on MN would have a WW recipe book you could have (if that's the way you want to go).

Sorry I can't be more help. Just felt touched by your post, you sounded so down - a lot of what you feel is felt by other mothers. It's a damn hard job and a huge adjustment to make in a woman's life, and everyone feels a bit trapped and ground down by it from time to time. Please find someone to talk to, share your worries, and perhaps give you some practical help. Good luck.

FWIW I have a 13mth still up once a night for a feed, and have been unsuccessful in dropping that feed - have just decided to keep on until he weans off on his own. But have read loads about controlled crying, which lots on MN have used and it is supposed to be OK after about a year. Personally I can't do it, but have you thought about giving it a shot? The lack of sleep can really grind you down and makes it hard to keep everything else in perspective at times.

more daylight. more dh helping, even if that is you sleeping for half a day at weekends. more time away, a couple of hours a week for exercise?

sorry much blunter than i meant, have new computer and accidentally posted.

i can only cope with it all if i do get time for myself and something to do in that time. doesn't matter what it is, sleepin g, pedicures, running whatever. very important to get that time though and your dh needs to understand that.

Smellen is right, i am sure you are a brilliant mum, the fact that you are worrying shows you care. Lack of sleep always makes things look bleaker than they actually are. I would also suggest weaning off of the breast too, my dd was a nightmare until i started expressing milk, then she was sleeping through within the week. My sister had the same problems too, it may help. Also, if you are not breastfeeding then hormones will go back to normal which may help. good luck, us mumsnetters are always here

So sorry you're having a hard time. The four words that stand out in your post are "I am so exhausted". When you're tired, things always seem worse.

This is normal - you have a toddler and a baby to look after full time and you're not getting enough sleep. Things will definitely get better for you - is your 3 year old at nursery yet?

Only you can decide when to stop bf, but it sounds to me as if it might be time to start getting a bit of 'you' back. You certainly could do with getting a bit of sleep.

I don't know why you think you're not good enough to be your mum - is this your depression? Are you having your treatment reviewed by the GP? Have you had counselling along with ADs?

But seriously, I think the first thing to do is find a way to get some sleep and maybe the night off. Do you have family who could babysit or send the DC for a sleepover so you can get a good night's rest and catch up on your personal grooming?

BTW - I do SW and you should be able to eat normal food. And you don't have to go to class to get the HiFi bars - you can now have 2 Alpen Lite bars as an equivalent to one HiFi.

M2B - Who knows you feel like this? Does your DP know the full extent? The reason I'm asking is because I've found sometimes even small amounts of help can make a HUGE difference to how I'm feeling - could your extended family do a bit more looking after of your dcs while you go out and get some time alone? Even better if you are able to find time to exercise as that would not only help you with the weight misery but also give you much-needed endorphins. You sound a bit 'chained' to your children- forgive me if that sounds all wrong, I just can't think of how to put it - and that maybe if you had regular breaks for yourself to sleep/exercise/plan the kind of meals you want then you could feel more positive.

Sorry if this sounds simplistic. Just going on my own experience, if someone else does even 20 minutes of babysitting (so long as it's planned ahead and I don't use it to do laundry) then my day seems to go a lot easier. However, I realise you are maybe feeling more down than a bit of babysitting can solve. Can you face talking to your HV or GP?

Thanks for your replies.

Dh makes me feel (or maybe I make myself feel - honestly i don't know which is which) so guilty if i leave him with the kids for more than an hour (i rarely leave him with them at all). DH is rather old fashioned about these things.

I am sorely tempted by controlled crying but i just can't do it. i was left to cry as a kid and i have awful insomnia now.
I love my kids so much - i just couldn't do that to them.

i'm so embarrassed about my weight but one of my only joys is cooking and diets are just not sustainable long term for me. To give you an idea, i make artisanal bread, cheeses etc. But i've always been a passionate foodie yet i've never been bigger than size 14 before now.
Now at size 20 my body is really getting me down. I went from size 16 to size 20 in under a month.

Meant to add that quite a lot of what you're feeling may be straightforward lack of sleep. Not sleeping is a total f* and is guaranteed to make anyone feel miserable. If there's a way to treat the tiredness (and wouldn't I be rich if I had the answer to that one?!) then you might find that the black cloud lifts immeasurably. Once again, I'm stating the bleeding obvious, I know.

Mama, just a thought, could you have thyroid probs do you think? Sorry your DH is not more supportive.

Good point madame, have you had blood tests to make sure there is nothing wrong physically? It may be more straight forward than you think

exhaustion makes you feel terrible.I am up several times a night still to feed my twenty month ols and some days I feel horrendously low even though I am in fact really happy.I am just very very tired.Allow yourself the kindness you would show any friend,don't judge yourself on your weight,you can address that if you want when you are not so tired,let yourself off the hook for now.Your children would never be better off with someone else,you are irreplaceable amd sound lovely and kind.I am sure you are a wonderful mummy.i hope you feel better soon,I will send a hug across the ether when i up in the night feeding mine!

Sweetheart, I know this feeling. It spirals doesn't it and you feel you can't go anywhere without bashing into a wall.xxxxxxxx

First things first, your children need you and you need them. You are the only mother they will ever have and no matter how crap a job you think you are doing, the very fact you are on here being heartbroken is the very proof that you are an amazing mother.

One of the things that got me through depression (and its not totally gone, more like a dodgy friend I have to tolerate) was learning I could be loved left, right, up, down, ugly, back, front, shit days, good days. Even on the worst day something can be found to remind you that there is good in there somewhere.

Look for a photo of when your children were born. Remember how you felt then.......incapable? And how you learned. Frightened? And how you know those fears are not so big once you face them. Happy? Because you laboured and came through it with a special bundle who will learn all from you.

Talk to me about the through the night waking. It is the main and first thing to tackle. Without some time off at night you cannot begin to fix you. And you are fixable xxxx.

I have three children, two of whom are/were bad sleepers. I have seen a variety of problems and have overcome most of them. I can recommend a book I found hugely helpful. It might take more work in the beginning but I am sure we can get the through the night thing bettered with some hard work and commitment and support.

Whilst you are not getting decent sleep you must try to nap whenever possible. A body doesn't need consecutive hours of sleep to feel better, short bursts are not the best but are ok to maintain a body.

What age are your children? How is your relationship apart from a little lack of support through the night?

Before you can get anywhere, you need to feel empowered. Talk ....................

If I can save one person from feeling like a failure when they are pouring their heart and soul into their children then I must. You are just needing loved until you feel better.

I could never have coped with controlled crying either. Is there anyone else you can leave the children with, other than DH.

mama2 there is no point in stopping bf if you are still going to have to do the night wakings. may as well keep it simple. not long till your ds2 is walking and so more tired and hopefully will become easier for you.

don'tknow what to say re dh. i make bread too. do you really make cheese? that is cool.

Controlled crying needn't be the big fear than the bad press made it. Its essential for you to get some time when you know you can eat/bath/cook/read/sleep without interruption.

Controlled crying maybe isn't your choice but my god, it could bring you a result very quickly. That would be rung one to getting somewhere. Its not chucking kids in a cot and walking away. Its being close by and letting them know you hear them but that (provided they are NOT ill) it is sleep time and that they must lie down and sleep. Maybe cruel in your eyes........but surely kinder than having a mother who is feeling like death warmed up.

I really understand about the foodie thing. I own over 300 cookbooks and I know if I'm feeling very 'homey' for long periods I tend to retreat into them and weight gain just follows. Diets never ever work on me because wholegrain pasta with soy and green beans is just never going to cut it! TBH, I'd forget the diets completely. If you are anything like me, once you're feeling better slept, you'll feel more like getting out of the house, going for a walk and so on and you'll refocus away from food and onto other things. The weight will just come off you - I promise.

I think you need to speak more frankly to your DP. Not so much about his 'traditional views' but his responsibility to help his wife out when she really needs it i.e. NOW. You mustn't feel guilty about this. You are not abdicating your role as a mother by asking him for more hands on parenting - in fact, prioritising this is the best thing you can do for your DSs. Good luck.

I am seeing a counsellor specialist in maternal mental health once a week which helps a lot. She too has suggested I get my thyroid checked but I'm scared to bc I'm pretty sure I'm so big through my own fault.

Nurturing my boys is so important to me. I'm not a career woman. I used to work and I enjoyed it but my heart has always been at home nurturing others. So I can't understand why I'm so cr*p at this. After all, I have all I ever wanted.

I know what you mean about stopping the breastfeeding. But the thing is that I always thought breastfeeding would end on a positive note, not bc my life was awful.

You are not crap. You really must stop telling yourself that as it really wont help (but you know that)I know its hard, but try to think of all the positives, like what cute things your children do, or the fact you can make cheese or ........ your turn

I did a version of controlled crying with two of my children. I never once felt I was being cruel to them. I knew I was teaching them how to sleep. Which in turn would benefit them and me.

A lot of night wakings are due to habitual waking. Often children are used to falling asleep with certain safety triggers (often a parents arms). The book I read likened it to this: imagine you fall asleep with a wonderful soft, snuggly pillow. You rouse in the night and the pillow is gone........you think its fallen but its totally gone. You panic. Someone has been there and taken it. You scream!

Its just the same for children. They rouse throughout the night and if they see that their bed/room is just the same as when they fell asleep, they return to sleep. If they are used to getting milk when they wake, then they cry for it. If they are used to being in a parents arms when they wake, then they cry for it. If they are used to any sort of a crutch, then they will look and cry for it.

Breaking that isn't cruel. Its just changing a habit.

Honestly, list all good things, however small they are, The making cheese one is good, my husband would love you

frumpygrumpy what book were you referring to?