I can't take it anymore

[mama2boyz]

Things are getting too much for me.
I've been on Ads since DS1 was 10mo - he is now 3.5years old and I now have another DS 14mo.

I am so exhausted
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
I have gone up 4 dress sizes and i feel like an ugly, disgusting mamouth
Last year I lost 2.5st on Slimming World but I stopped and it's all come back on. Would have been too expensive to carry on as what kept me going were expensive diet yogurts and SW HiFi bars.

I'm tired of breastfeeding, not sleeping, being so huge that clothes in the shops are limited, fed up of not being able to go shopping/having a coffee/browsing in a bookshop by myself.

I love my kids more than anything in the world but I feel that I am not good enough to be their mum and that they would be better off being adopted.

Is there ANYTHING I can do to compensate for being woken 4 times a night? Please tell me!

Will I ever feel like a woman again?
Will this depression ever go?

[frumpygrumpy]

Darling, don't be frightened of a thyroid check. Not a bit. Its not a scary thing and very treatable if there is a problem. You deserve all the help you can to feel better.

I too chose to be a mum, at home, and have nothing in my life that I should feel bad about. And yet I did. For so long. Just like you, I felt I was crap at doing what I thought I was good at. My counselling really, really helped. First I had a crap counsellor and then I took a two year 'break'. When I finally pushed myself to going back I got another one and she clicked for me right away.

Having the right counsellor has made a world of difference to me.

[mama2boyz]

(By the way, I don't often make cheese and it isn't very exciting cheese at that - just curdled milk really).

[frumpygrumpy]

this is the book I liked

[frumpygrumpy]

Listen to you! "just curdled milk" !!!!!! I think not I can curdle milk with my shouting. Cheese is cheese darling xxxxx.

[fishie]

crowdie type? my mum used to make it when the milk went off, i was dead impressed.

[chrimbospirit]

Night wean I bf ds till he self weaned but night weaned him at 11 months and have just done daughter at 7. Both no longer needed the feeds and became much happier after better sleeps as I did and I had more energy to make life more fun in the day time.
Diet again too - and take more exercise our self esteem is so linked to the way we look and feel. Just cut out between meals and increase fruit and veg, grill instead of fry and don't do takeaways, if your drinking alcohol limit yourself and the weight will soon fall off again - check with gp your thyroid is ok.

[frumpygrumpy]

I have to go, my little boy is unwell and has just woken with a cough. I will check in tomorrow. This is the beginning sweetheart. And one day soon, you will be sitting like me, giving advice to someone else who is feeling a hurt like you have felt. You will. You are doing this right. You just have a measuring stick against yourself which is not accurate. Sleep now. And long and peaceful I wish for you.

[MumtoCharlieandLola]

Mama, if you have been on ADs for a long time and they are not working, have you thought about going to the doctor and asking to get your dosage changed (or even the type of ADs)?

Im on fluoxetine 20mg and when I went through a bad patch (my mum had a bad health scare) they put me up to 40mg for a while.

Also, ask your mental health nurse about some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I've just been signed off my course which I have been on for for a few months and its was really good.

Its all about tackling your negative thoughts and trying to identify why you feel that way. For example, I thought I was a crap mum too, and they sat me down and got me to write positive things about myself and asked me to look for the evidence of why I thought I was a crap mum. What was I doing wrong? And you know, I've realised I'm not, its all just part of the anxiety and depression. The programme is called Shade (Self Help for Anxiety and Depression).

I hope you can get some help, because its awful feeling that way, but hopefully it will pass.

Good luck x

[frumpygrumpy]

MumtoCharlieandLola, glad CBT worked for you, it didn't for me. I am not knocking it at all, just registering that it doesn't work for all. I went back for a deeper level of counselling which dug to the root of my problem. As I say, I am not knocking it at all xxx.

[dearprudence]

mama2boyz - you're not crap at this. You're tired and not getting enough help. Anyone would feel bad in these circumstances.

I too desperately wanted my DS, and would have dearly loved another. But it doesn't mean that I don't have bad days where I feel I'm getting everything wrong.

Things will get better - sleep and a bit of time off is the best starting point I can think of.

[MumtoCharlieandLola]

Thats fine frumpy, I know that it doesn't suit everyone, I thought it might be a starting point for mama, it certainly sounds like she needs something.

[frumpygrumpy]

Absolutely and she needs us all to help. Glad all us fruitbats can compare notes and help her

[mama2boyz]

I've just remembered about the Dr Jay Gordon sleep philosophy and I'm going to give that a shot. If anything it'll make me feel like I'm trying to do something about it.

[Monkeygi]

You're being way, way too hard on yourself here. Bravo to you for bfing for this long but it wouldn't be a negative note to stop now- quite the opposite for you and your ds, imo. As someone who has suffered for years with insomnia I can tell you that everything seems a hundred times worse when you haven't had proper sleep. I eat loads more when I'm tired, even if I'm not hungry, I burst into tears for no reason, my complexion suffers-honestly, the list is endless. Your main priority is sleep and failing that, rest. Let the housework go. Sit down. Nap when you can. If you really can't face controlled crying (and I did it myself, I know it's horrible, but I can safely say that my eldest has no bad recollections of it!and it WORKED!!! within a week.), could you sleep near his cot for a few nights, gradually moving further away? It worked for a friend of mine.

[Leo9]

agree with monkey - you are sabotaging yourself here. BFing without a supportive DH is reducing to you to despair and yet you won't allow yourself to stop

Instead of "I thought it would end on a positive note not because my life is crap" you could be thinking "I have succeeded and given my baby the most fantastic start and now I need some rest".

you're also allowing your DH to sabotage you by not helping you more; they're his kids too and in fact you are not doing your KIDS a favour by allowing him to get away with this. Their bond with him will be strong if he cares for them, sole care as much as possible.

He does not need sleep any more than you; being at home with young kids is likely to be a damn sight harder and more exhausting than his work, unless his job is highly unusual. Don't let him be 'old fashioned' if it means your kids don't get the involved dad they need.

And don't sabotage the thyroid test, which could really HELP you cope if it is thyroid deficiency; no-one cares if you are heavy or not they're just giving you your results.

I do agree you need to claw yourself some rest and sleep and your mood will have some chance of lightening
Good luck.

[smellen]

How you feeling today M2B?

[katch]

Sorry I don't have time to explain: please look at ((www.radiantrecovery.com)) - sorry this tiny maxhine won't do links.

This is a nutritional method that WILL make yoy feel better.

You will fell 'normal' again, have more energy, a lighter mood and no more mood swings. I started it 8 years ago and have never looked back.

Instead of working on the details, concentrate on how you feel ans evwryrhing else will fall in to place.

And, btw, if you stop bfing you may still be up consoling a sobbing child without the werewithall to do it!

If your mood is sorted you can make parenting dexisiona qith a cleae head.

[katch]

Sorry I don't have time to explain: please look at ((www.radiantrecovery.com)) - sorry this tiny maxhine won't do links.

This is a nutritional method that WILL make yoy feel better.

You will fell 'normal' again, have more energy, a lighter mood and no more mood swings. I started it 8 years ago and have never looked back.

Instead of working on the details, concentrate on how you feel ans evwryrhing else will fall in to place.

And, btw, if you stop bfing you may still be up consoling a sobbing child without the werewithall to do it!

If your mood is sorted you can make parenting dexisiona qith a cleae head.

[katch]

Sorry I don't have time to explain: please look at ((www.radiantrecovery.com)) - sorry this tiny maxhine won't do links.

This is a nutritional method that WILL make yoy feel better.

You will fell 'normal' again, have more energy, a lighter mood and no more mood swings. I started it 8 years ago and have never looked back.

Instead of working on the details, concentrate on how you feel ans evwryrhing else will fall in to place.

And, btw, if you stop bfing you may still be up consoling a sobbing child without the werewithall to do it!

If your mood is sorted you can make parenting dexisiona qith a cleae head.

[katch]

Sorry I don't have time to explain: please look at ((www.radiantrecovery.com)) - sorry this tiny maxhine won't do links.

This is a nutritional method that WILL make yoy feel better.

You will fell 'normal' again, have more energy, a lighter mood and no more mood swings. I started it 8 years ago and have never looked back.

Instead of working on the details, concentrate on how you feel ans evwryrhing else will fall in to place.

And, btw, if you stop bfing you may still be up consoling a sobbing child without the werewithall to do it!

If your mood is sorted you can make parenting dexisiona qith a cleae head.

[katch]

That went horribly wrong!

[katch]

Parenting decisions with a clear head.

[mama2boyz]

Last night I tried the Dr Jay method and it helped a lot.
DS still woke but it felt better to not have to breastfeed him for a few hours. So far so good.

Feeling much more positive today!

Thanks

[MumtoCharlieandLola]

Hello m2b, pleased you a feeling a little better.

Stick with it.

M2CL x

[frumpygrumpy]

Hi, just checking in.....

Doing something always help make you feel even a little empowered. Stick with it. Don't give up and don't stop posting. We're hooked now and want to see this through ALL THE WAY!!!!