Being a mummy really makes me so unhappy....

[Schmauskin]

My 9 month dd has gone overnight from sleeping 7pm-7am to not settling and waking at 2.00am EVERY goddamn night. I am so bloody tired. I hurt all over, am very run down with constant sore throat and lots of spots. No family nearby for support, dh working in the evenings until June, so i feel very down and alone. I very committed to looking after my daughter, but it does feel my life is over. I had a ghastly birth, emergency 'c' section with ahorrible scar and since I became a mum it has brought very little but tears, exhaustion, panic, and an overwhelming sense of responsility. I used to sparkle and be gregarious - always organising social events, now I just want to go bed early and sleep so I can cope with the next day of parenting. I don't really see anyone apart from DH & DD. My dh and I sleep in separate rooms so that he doesn't disturb me when he comes in late from work, and so he isn't woken in the night when I have to tend to the baby. I often scared of all the decisions I have make about looking after my baby girl - what do I feed her today? should I let her have that afternoon nap? etc etc. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and that things will get better. I honestly have not enjoyed a single day of parenthood since I had her. It's all too much for me to cope with.

Blimey what hostility, vitriol and agression, just because I don't agree with one point of view - just what I need!! I have had moments of pleasure from my baby in 9 monhts but honestly it's difficult to remeber being happy for a WHOLE day recently... is that so weird??!! maybe I should stop this thread now, and just get on with it, as I seem to be pissing people off...

schmauskin, I replied to your original question and I think you got some much needed reassurance. I didn't expect to return to this thread with someone telling you to wallow. To be honest I'm shocked at this and think it's totally uncalled for.

You sound knackered and normal to me.I felt the same after ds2 and of course all you want is a bit of support and caring.

You've not pissed me off (and I'm sure most of the others agree), so as in real life, ignore the comments that make you question yourself and feel like shit and listen to the friendly and supportive ones!

Don't oversimplify Schmauskin. My reaction was hardly unprovoked - your tone towards me was abrasive and unpleasant and peppered with MAD CAPITAL LETTERS. My response was perfectly justified, and certainly wasn't because you didn't agree with me, but was everything to do with your uncalled for attitude. A decent / reasonable person would have re-read their post towards me, reflected a bit and then decided to apologise.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with myself now because I had told myself not to waste any more time on your thread, but I couldn't resist taking another look. Really I shouldn't have risen to the bait. I think you are spoiling for a fight and frankly I can't be bothered with that sort of petty behaviour.

However, I hope your little outburst is helping you offload some anger and feel better.

ta everso ssd x x x

ssd,

I'm tempted to tackle your post to but I am repeating the mantra

"Rise above it, rise above it...so not worth it"

welshmum, have bought much chocolate today! I'm in Highgate, N6 so near Crouch End, Muswell Hill, Finchley if you can suggest any local groups? Thanks.

Wise words from sobernow about not turning this into a fight. HMC, telling someone that you think is depressed (and none of us here know for sure do we? We're not Schmauskin's GP) to 'go wallow' isn't kind.

HMC, I agree with WWW and don't want to turn this into a fight. Also I agree with her sentiments about not being kind to Schmauskin.

I just feel she's a normal mum needing a bit of support and I thought that's what MN is for...

well I agree that hmc went a bit OTT there with the wallow comment but I do agree with her post of 9.21 am and can't see anything wrong in it?

It is important to seek the proper help if you're feeling as low as the original post suggests. You can't get a diagnosis from other womens situations - it may give you a boost to know you're not alone but you really need to find out if you need specialist help - nothing wrong in that.

I'm not annoyed anymore - just a sort of numb disbelief.

S isn't depressed WWW, she is by her own admission in perfect mental health - just a bit tired!

However I am clinically depressed and on ADs, but it's perfectly okay for S to have an unprovoked go at me. Of course I understand now - I apologise unreservedly. I should just set myself up as a verbal punch bag, let people say as they please but forego any right to respond.

S I owe you a HUGE apology. Feel free to have a pop at me any time dear - you can CAT me to do so if you want....

And on the starting a fight issue - errm, who was it who threw the first punch?

This is ridiculous I really should be spending time with my two children rather than unproductively on here....

HMC, I didn't want to upset you, that wasn't my intention and I'm sorry if I did. I hope you're ok. I do think we should all be kind to you and to everyone else who needs it on mumsnet too.

WWW - I wasn't so much upset with you, as upset that my overtures of helpfulness (however cack handed) appeared to be thrown back at me in an angry way by S in her post of 9.39. I then reacted - admittedly over strongly, and it all escalated from there. Just one of those silly spats that happen from time to time based on heightened emotions and misunderstandings.

Anyway, I probably shouldn't keep bleating on about it since this is Schmauskin's thread, and my self obsessing about this is detracting from her issues and probably putting off anyone else from posting. Perhaps the thread can not get back to constructive advice for Schmauskin.

Thank you all for your help. Bye bye x

Hi Schmauskin

I'm totally new to this site and not sure if you will get to see this message but hopefully you will!! I just wanted to say that your initial message brought so much home to me as to how I am feeling about life at the moment and u just about saved me from a nervous breakdown (well perhaps a little harsh but u know what I mean) I take my hat off to you for saying how you feel but moreso I would love to chat to you even if just to have a good old winge about things to make us feel better!! Hope you're having a better day today and be nice to hear from you if you get chance x

your message made me cry - it hit right at the heart of what motherhood can be, much of the time, sadly. So few people admit to the horrors of parenting and when it isn't rosy and perfect. We put our faces on, dress our kids and parade around with an everything is fine demeanour, when so rarely is this the case. It does get better, yes (I have a two year old and a four year old - it isn't perfect, but I get more sleep now and they feel less of an agonising responsibility that a new born feels like, also they talk - they tell me if they hurt or not - it's a huge landmark step forward). No sleep is a bit like horrendous pmt - it creeps up on you and you don't really understand why the world is awful - but a couple of nights of eight hours would sort it all out. Unfortunately, very hard to get in practice. Anyway, it gets better, hang in there - you are not alone by any means. I found the only way I could sleep was by going to a different room - or even house, from my children in the early days. If you aren't breast feeding then this is a real possibility - get your dp to do the night - just one at the weekend maybe, and go and stay with a friend if you can, or sleep in another room and make him take charge. I found physical separation essential. anyway, good luck again, and thank you for being so honest about it all!

Schmauskin
Read your original message and I really feel for you - I felt terrible and still do when I get zero sleep - my 7 month dd usually sleeps at night really well but has woken up 3 times in the night for the last week. I know it may sound simplistic but I find just getting out and going to groups works wonders - I live in Stoke Newington, but when I was pregnant went to a great exercise class at the swimming pool in Park Lane in hornsey - I know they do post natal classes with creche. Also I recommend getting in touch with surestart in your area - they organize groups - You will find others to share problems with. If you fancy a walk in Finsbury park one day - I would be happy to meet up

Schmauskin
Read your original message and I really feel for you - I felt terrible and still do when I get zero sleep - my 7 month dd usually sleeps at night really well but has woken up 3 times in the night for the last week. I know it may sound simplistic but I find just getting out and going to groups works wonders - I live in Stoke Newington, but when I was pregnant went to a great exercise class at the swimming pool in Park Lane in hornsey - I know they do post natal classes with creche. Also I recommend getting in touch with surestart in your area - they organize groups - You will find others to share problems with. If you fancy a walk in Finsbury park one day - I would be happy to meet up

Schmauskin. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal - but so is pnd! Don't dismiss HMC's suggestion out of hand.

Anyhow, Schmauskin, Channel 5 are wanting to interview people on the 'real' side of motherhood. They put a notice up on MN the other month and have trying to get in touch with me over the past few weeks but we haven't managed to get hold of each other yet.

The sooner that we all realise and accept that motherhood is no picnic for many (and yes, I appreciate some of us sail beautifully through) the sooner we'll feel less... I dunno, guilty / useless etc...

We're all doing a grand job, I'm sure, so chocolate and wine (forget the bananas) all round!

Thank you all for wonderful messages of support. I only just read the latest ones because I was in hospital with dd last night - she developed a very high temp yesterday which refused to go down. GP wasn't happy so sent us into hosp. Temp was still persistent so they kept us in over night. Cut a long story short, temp went down around 10pm and she a had resonable night. Probable ear infection, but how it was all incredibly fucking scary. I am exhausted but thankfully dd is bright and happy, and unrecognisable from the whimpering, confused and very poorly little one who lay in my arms last night. Dh understudy went on for him last night so we could all be togehter at the hosp. and like me he found it so worrying. It never stops does it?!!??

NEVER stops... there are many good times ahead though...

Gosh, I think not having a single happy day in nine months sounds like a bit more than being tired! My ds never slept until he was eight months old - he woke for hours and hours in the night, sometimes I only got 20 consecutive minutes of sleep. I was shattered...but I was still pretty happy. I don't think consistent unhappiness for months is the usual experience, is it? I don't think it is so wierd to suggest this might be depression. Yes motherhood can be knackering and a shock to the system, but my experience is not of consistent unhappiness.

Schmauskin I'm in Holloway so don't know my way round the groups in Crouch End etc but I know there are loads round there. Have you been in to the children's book shop near the clocktower there - they're all advertised in there and there's a really cheap book too full of activities on offer in the area - just ask the shop assistant.
I'm back on mat leave for the summer and happy to meet up if you'd like to.
Hope your little one is feeling loads better now and you and your dp a litte calmer.
Take care x

Schmauskin, just wanted to send you huge (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and to say how much empathy I feel with you for your early months alone with a baby. I was really surprised at how isolated I felt at the beginning and it took me a long time to really find my own confidence and the social network that made it seem a less heavy experience. I think there is loads about parenting that is universal but plenty that is unique to every mother. I think motherhood is a massive shock and an even greater one for mothers who have had a traumatic delivery. Many people don't seem to realise how lonely mothers can get. Someone said to me once: just go and do something (like a drop in) as many days in the week as possible - and that encouraged me to get out more, but I still found it very like being the new girl in school and not knowing who to talk to. But although it was hard, I'm sure that for me the biggest factor in being a bit happier was the friendship of other mothers who I met through these various groups. And you're in a fantastic area for baby groups from what I've heard and seen.
How scary to be in hopital recently again, hope you are well and I wish you well, it took me a long time to find my feet, probably over a year so I hope I can encourage you like so many posts here that you are far from alone in your experience.