Being a mummy really makes me so unhappy....

[Schmauskin]

My 9 month dd has gone overnight from sleeping 7pm-7am to not settling and waking at 2.00am EVERY goddamn night. I am so bloody tired. I hurt all over, am very run down with constant sore throat and lots of spots. No family nearby for support, dh working in the evenings until June, so i feel very down and alone. I very committed to looking after my daughter, but it does feel my life is over. I had a ghastly birth, emergency 'c' section with ahorrible scar and since I became a mum it has brought very little but tears, exhaustion, panic, and an overwhelming sense of responsility. I used to sparkle and be gregarious - always organising social events, now I just want to go bed early and sleep so I can cope with the next day of parenting. I don't really see anyone apart from DH & DD. My dh and I sleep in separate rooms so that he doesn't disturb me when he comes in late from work, and so he isn't woken in the night when I have to tend to the baby. I often scared of all the decisions I have make about looking after my baby girl - what do I feed her today? should I let her have that afternoon nap? etc etc. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and that things will get better. I honestly have not enjoyed a single day of parenthood since I had her. It's all too much for me to cope with.

You poor soul

I think the route of all of this is exhaustion. Do you have any family nearby to give you a break? Or maybe you could try to have a chat with your HV if she's any good.

Or maybe try Homestart? I think that's the right name. They can maybe find an experienced mum nearby to give you a break.

Hang in there. Think about it and see if there is anyone you could open up too, sometimes just discussing your feelings is a start.

sorry, I wrote family nearby, I meant friends...

oh sweetheart. It will get better I promise. I really feel for you as I felt a lot like this when ds1 was a baby. He is nearly 7 now and I have a ds2 who is nearly 4. With ds2 I also had bad days. But as they got older it got better and better.
Do you have any friends close by so you could get a bit of "me" time? Does your dh get up with the baby on the weekend so you can have a lie-in?
It sounds like you may need to reming him it's his baby too.

"remind" obviously

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I agree with Kayleigh, I hated the 1st year but am pretty happy now (nearly 5) - but not getting enough sleep makes everything worse & I would definitely get your dh to get up at weekends, it is such a wonderful feeling not having to.
When mine 1st did that I was sooooooo grateful, I quite liked him.
Getting sleep makes all the difference.

thank you for posting...I haven't heard of homestart, but really like the sound of it. I will do a search now. I think I sound pathetic reading my post back as there are so many other mumsnetter's who have far greater woes than me but I really do feel lost at the moment. I'm normally such a coper but becoming a mum has knocked all my confidence. The responsiblity is just relentless. I dread going to bed now necause I know my sleep will be broken and I have to wake up to yet another day of baby care....

oh, Schmauskin! Sounds like you are having a ough time at the mo. Im still in the early days. My DS is only 10 weeks old but the feelings are very similar. Up until last night my DS was going to bed at 8pm then waking at 1.30am and then waking at 5.30am and i feel so run down and weak and at first i wasn't enjoying being a mum. My partner works shifts including nights but even when he is at home he never does any of the night feeds. I have him all day and all night and i get no time to myself. I only go out once every 1-2 weeks if im lucky as i don't have that many friends around. Its a very isolating experience being a mum and know one told me this so i wasn't prepared. also the lack of sleep has made me feel exhausted and like a zombie. I keep getting ulcers in my mouth and spots on my face from being run down so i feel like s**t a lot of the time. My partner doesn't understand at all so he cant really support me in the way i wish he would. I cry a lot too. If DS wont settle for hours or some nights when he wakes up at 1.30am, has his bottle but is totally wide awake and just not ready to go back to sleep. When i think about my future and the fact that i wont be able to have a career for years and years..im only 20 and all i have is GCSEs. Im just taking one day at a time and trying to enjoy my time with DS. it makes me cry when i think how inocent and helpless he is and how he might be suffering cos im too tired to enjoy him fully. the last few weeks ive tried to pick myself up a little bit and now the weather is cheering up its picked me up a bit. But i don't drive so i can't go anywhere except the same old shops and the same old park. Where abouts do you live?

Hi Schmauskin.
Sorry to hear you're having a bad time.
What about the NCT? They have a national website which should show you a branch in your area. You DONT have to be a member.
They usually have a Bumps & Babies coffee morning where you can meet other mums. I found this very supportive.

Things will get better even if it doesnt seem it now.

Does sound like you are suffering from exhaustion which is making you question yourself. I'm sure you are doing a really good job.
Keep chatting - we're all here to listen.

xx

Gosh, so many messages, I'm so grateful - my husband has to work on staurdays eves too so it's understandable he needs his sleep. He does get up and help some mornings but he really does need his rest for the job he's on at the moment. I do go out every afternoon for a long walk and I do meet up with some NCT girls every couple of weeks. They all seem to be breezing through mummyhood and their lives seem pretty full of trips away etc. so I feel I can't really open up to them. I would like to go to more playgroup type things, but to be honest i'm so tired most of the time I can't be bothered, plus every time I do go dd gets a frigging cold from sharing all those mouthable toys and we have even more sleepless nights!

you poor thing, becoming a mum can be a big shock to the system, especially iof you had an awful birth experience, and it can feel quite lonely, do you have any close friends? or do you have a good health visitor at all, have you contacted homestart? also does your dh know howyou feel?one thing i will say though is that sleep deprivation is a killer and you will feel overwhelmed, unhappy and exhuasted

Oh Schmauskin I do sympathise AND identify with everything you say. Huge hugs to you.

BTW do we mean Homestart or SureStart??

juicychops - I'm in North London. Samdarling - does it really get better? It hasn't so far in the 9 months of being a mum. dd finding finger foods very challenging, so we have a 'near death' choking experience at nearly every meal, with gagging, and often vomiting, which is terrifying. Plus this night waking issue, and screaming when she goes to bed at night, (another new development) Where's the joy I was expecting, the carefree laughter filled days!???!! Then they get to to be teenagers and hate you anyway. In my darkest most tired days this week, I have sometimes wished I hadn't had her.

franch, we mean homestart, schmauskin, the other mums might not be managing aswell as you think, its easy to put on a false front!!

Schmauskin, poor you. The root of all this really is being knackered imo. Plus becoming a parent is a hell of a shock I think: no-one tells you you're 'on' 24 hours a day, there's no break, it can be boring, hard work, knackering, thankless, hard, shocking. My dd has only just started sleeping through properly at 16 months so I do know what it feels like to be that knackered, it's absolutely soul destroying and it affects everything. I do think (and think it's proven) that social isolation can be a factor in pnd (not saying you've got it) so I think NCT/mumsnet meet up/mums and baby group are a good idea. But it can be a vicious circle can't it in that you're too knackered to meet anyone new but need to for the company and moral support. So I think what you're feeling is normal and a response to the overwhelmingness of it all and being tired in your bones. If you're worried about any of that 'what shall I feed her' stuff, come here and post! Someone will know and will help you. And your dh SHOULD be doing some nights imo. You cannot do this totally alone, he needs to help. I can tell you it is going to be ok and it is going to get better, really it is, but this first year is horrible I think (I found it less so with my second but I felt very similarly to you with ds, who is now 7). It won't be long before your dd is more interesting too and you start to get something back and you might enjoy that a bit more but only if you're getting some sleep. FWIW I prefer them (children that is) once they're 3+!

Oh and I've got a choker too (mad rush to drs at 3mo when she choked on phlegm, nice!) so if I were you I'd just puree everything for your dd until she's got the hang of chewing a bit more, don't stress yourself any more than you need to.

schmauskin, my dd is 8 months and she is a bad sleeper at the mo, i could die from exhaustion and she gags on her finger foods, perseverance is the key! honest, did you ever get to speak to anyone about your birth experience( sorry if im being nosey)

wickedwaterwitch is right, perhaps just makeher food a bit sloppier for the time being, i dont know when your dd was born but there are some excellent potnatal threads on here where you can post for advice or just have a slight rant!!Seriously though, exhaustion will actually make you depressed, what time does your dh get home from work? could he not take over so you could have a nap?

Schmauskin - I was exactly the same. All I kept thinking was that this was not how it was meant to be and that I was a failure, but so many people have experiences like this - after all, it's a HUGE change to your life and no amount of planning can prepare you for what's to come because you don't KNOW what's to come really (apart from a baby, but that's about all the clue you're given!). I know I'll be repeating what lots of people have said already, but lack of sleep has a powerful effect on your whole body - physically and emotionally. I was told to sleep when the baby slept but I couldn't for a long time - when I did, the change in my attitude really surprised me as, even though I still had moments of being low, I was also a lot more positive and confident. My HV (who was brilliant - this makes a difference) told me to take a long bath and stare at a candle flame (a bit like meditating) and also to have a glass of wine (but only one) - this all qualifies as "me" time which you don't get much of as a mum, but a little of which does a lot of good. Keep up with the long walks as the fresh air is supposed to trigger feel-good hormones ("endorphins?"). Above all, talk and talk and talk about how you're feeling - this is when I realised just how fantasic my friends were (some I hadn't even classed as friends before the birth of ds) as they sat there and listened to me rant on about the birth (again, similiar to yours), the problems afterwards and how I felt towards my ds. I wish I'd known about MN then as there seems to be a fantastic support network there so be sure to use it whenever you need to.

wickedwaterwitch - thank you - it took a lot to admit that I sometimes wish I hadn't had her. I am crying now, because I am so ashamed to have such feelings, because she is gorgeuos, very funny, alert and cuddly. but my god it's tough. DH is an actor so he has to be able to deliver a performance on stage each night, something almost impossible to do if you're knackered, so I don't begrudge him sleeping throught the night diturbances or the early mornings. - he is also enormously great at helping out in other ways..but it seems it's always the MUM who has to shoulder the burden of decision making, most of the time I feel way out of my depth and the tiredness prevents rational thought. I really do grieve the life I had 'before baby'

schmauskin, i have 4 kids inc an 8 month old and many times lately im afraid to admit that i have felt like just walking out of the house..on my own and not coming back.Do not be ashamed, you are only human.

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I also wished I hadn't had him - my husband breathed a sigh of relief when I finally declared, "I think I'll keep him after all" . There was an srticle in SHE magazine not that long ago about traumatic births - apparently they're doing a study into the number of people who suffer PTSD after a traumatic birth. Do you feel that that there are any questions to be answered regarding the actual birth that maybe a midwife could help you with?

hi i would just like to say that you are probably doing a fantastic job and try not to worry too much. i know exactly what you are going through. i had post natal depression aftre the birth of my 2nd ds and it took me 2 whole years to ask for help, please please do not suffer in silence. you have made a great step forward in speaking out and hope that you can continue this on to speak to your freinds as well.
what i found is that once i said how i really felt, everyone opened up and admitted that life wasn't all that great for them either thay just didn't want to be the first to admit it.
i personally didn't find nct groups a great help as they were all a bit too competative and that added to the pressure that i was already feeling.
my personal advice is throw yourself into daily life with little ones, book in for classes (swimming etc) stick it out at the mother and baby groups, call old friends up and go out even if its going to there house for a couple of hours while hubby is at home with baby. it feels great to get together with old friends and talk about anything and everything other than babies.

i also realised that as much as i wanted to stay at home and raise my children, i just didn't have what it took to be an at home mum! i knew that i didn't want to go back to my old job (IT consultant)but wanted to be a good mum who didn't feel like crap, who felt good about hersef who in turn felt good about the time that i spent with my children was good time for me and them. so i did it i took the plubge and appled to do my degree in midwifery 18months down the line, life couldn't be more different, i love it! and surprisingly because i wasn't so down the children seemed to pick up on my positive mood and behaved better, slept better and were generally more pleasant to be around and so was i.
this doesn't mean that this is what you should do by any means, and i hope i don't sound like i'm lecturing but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that we all have times when we feel that way.
take care

Spacecadet - I have read some of YOUR posts and am very touched that despite your own situation you can find time to 'help' me. Thank you. i haven't really talked to anyone about the birth just tried to 'move on' but it really was the most terrifying experinece of my life. My little girl's heartbeat was lost and I thought she was going to die, I lost a lot of blood and thought I was going to die TOO! It was horrible, not the best start to motherhood.