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Mental health

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Original poster

question about sexual encounter

146 replies

havetoask · 13/10/2008 10:10

Sorry, the title is a bit wanky, I feel a bit stupid asking this question though.
I've namechanged for this one.

If you meet a man and you end up back at your house, and then go to bed, and this is the maybe tmi bit.....

If you have never had sex before and your body clams up and he can't get inside you, but he forces it in, and he knows he is hurting you quite badly but carries on, making you bleed, is that ok? Would that be considered a disastrous sexual encounter or would it be more serious?

This happened a long time ago, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's not a nice feeling. Plus, I didn't have sex or get intimate with anyone for a long long time after that. I can't believe I'm posting this now. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Tortington · 13/10/2008 10:12

if you asked him to stop and he didn't - and he forced you then thats rape

Original poster

havetoask · 13/10/2008 10:15

That's it though. I didn't say anything, I was too mortified. I just lay there and let him do it. I don't know why he carried on, it was obvious I wasn't enjoying it. I don't think I spoke once actually.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 13/10/2008 10:31

it's rape if you asked him to stop and he didn't.

dittany · 13/10/2008 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 13/10/2008 10:38

playing devils advocate then,

a nice considerate lover might notice that you are not enjoying it and stop - for your consideration

a total shit might notice that you are not enjoying it - might not have had sex with a virgin before and known that it was gooing to hurt you and carried on.

i personally dont think that makes him a rapist - if you didn't say anything.

i am sorry you had this horrid experience

Dropdeadfred · 13/10/2008 10:39

did he know you were a virgin?
perhaps he had limited knowledge and genuinely belived the idea that virgins don't enjoy the first time and bleed..?

was he young and inexperienced? if not he sounds like a nasty inconsiderate man...not necessarily a rapist though

sorry this is still on your mind

dittany · 13/10/2008 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sasamax · 13/10/2008 10:45

If he knew he was hurting you and carried on then he's a total wanker.
It was never your fault but you must still feel violated and maybe even guilty or ashamed. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about - you were innocent and didn't know what else to do. The bastard should have stopped. I really hope you had nothing more to do with him after this.
What a horrible experience - you did nothing to deserve it and hope you can manage to put it behind you.

Original poster

havetoask · 13/10/2008 10:49

He didn't know I was a virgin. He was in his twenties and I was seventeen.
I'm ashamed to admit I was desperate to lose my virginity, but perhaps not in that way. I didn't tell him to stop. I don't know why. The only sounds I made were sounds that I was in pain, and I couldn't help that. I suppose I can't blame him for not stopping if I didn't say anything. Thanks for the replies, it's good to put things in perspective.

OP posts:

dittany · 13/10/2008 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryChapstick · 13/10/2008 10:54

Were you very young? Was he?

sasamax · 13/10/2008 10:54

Of course you can blame him ESPECIALLY since he was a grown man and you were a teenager - that's ridiculous - he would have known fine and well that he was hurting you. Despicable!

Original poster

havetoask · 13/10/2008 10:58

Thanks Dittany. It was awful really, and the worst thing was that he was putting me in different positions as well, and I was just going along with it. I do feel it was my responsibilty to take care of myself, but rational thought sort of went out the window.

OP posts:

sasamax · 13/10/2008 11:03

Because you hadn't a clue about these things - but he did!

Dropdeadfred · 13/10/2008 11:28

what did he say about the pain and bleeding afterwards?

dittany · 13/10/2008 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

havetoask · 13/10/2008 11:45

Dittany, so sorry that happened to you.
DDF, he didn't say anything. He just went to sleep and left in the morning. I didn't want to see him again, and I also had to go and get the morning after pill as we didn't use a condom. I was still in pain as well.
I wonder if I had actually said no, if he would have stopped. It was a bit surreal, and he wasn't aggressive in any other way, ie when we were chatting earlier on in the night. I do remember he said something about 'the quiet ones being good in bed'
Proved that theory wrong.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 13/10/2008 11:46

did you never see him/speak to him again?

Original poster

havetoask · 13/10/2008 12:02

No, thank goodness. Feels weird writing all this down.

OP posts:

BuzzingBee · 15/10/2008 14:31

Havetoask - don't feel stupid for asking.

When I was 17, I was attacked, I said No, and fought back, then when I was 30 I was in a situation where a guy decided to show his true self, I said No once, but he didn't listen, then I just went silent, only cried throughout.

When I told the Police (was overseas) they could not understand why I had not run away or say No more than once.. I felt so bad for being so stupid, but I truly think I was in shock and was protecing myself somehow by then doing as I was told.. why I didn't react like the first time I don't know

I understand the not a nice feeling, but don't put the blame at your door, any decent man I think knows when something is not right when having sex.. he was not one of those

Original poster

havetoask · 15/10/2008 16:56

Hi BB, that is awful. I'm shocked at how many people seem to have experienced this. I told a friend and she said she had experienced something as well.

I've been in quite a lot of turmoil about this over the past few days. I haven't been able to do anything else except think about it. There are some things I just can't remember, it's really frustrating. I've managed to remember a few other things. I've also tried to think about any ways I could be wrong about it, but the only emotions I associate with it are shame, embarassment, bewilderment etc. There are some things I can remember crystal clear, like the pain during and after. Then there are other things, perhaps the most important things, like at what point did it end up with him having sex with me? I do remember thinking 'just get it over and done with' and I remember he was very aggressive. I don't remember him asking me anything. He only instructed me to do things.

I tried to tell my husband, well he made me tell him because he was working himself up. His reaction was 'surely if you were going along with it then you were participating?' and 'It probably hurt because you were a virgin'

THat made me think that perhaps that is what everyone feels like when they have sex for the first time, and then something in me reminds me that it was not like other experiences I have had since. I felt able to say no with other guys, and I did say no.

I can't help thinking that because I didn't say no he can't be expected to read my mind. But then he didn't have to because the non verbal signs were pretty clear.

OP posts:

MoccaMint · 28/10/2008 23:53

I wonder if sometimes it's easier to say nothing than face the fear of what might happen if you do (ie he wouldn't stop which could maybe be even more traumatic).

I guess it's a way your body has to protect itself from what's really going on (pretend it's not happening).

Thing is sooner or later this feeling will come out. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it means you're finally in a place/position where you can start to explore what happened?

It doesn't really matter if other people think it was an ok thing for him to do not. All that matters is how it made you feel then and how it makes you feel now...

It seems that it has been affecting you a lot recently. Have you considered counseling?

Sorry if I'm talking complete rubbish but just didn't want this to keep on going unanswered...

SmugColditz · 29/10/2008 00:04

It makes me uncomfortable to say this, but if you did nothing but lie there and make noises then bleed afterwards - ie, you didn't tell him to stop, or no, or ask him to leave afterwards, or tell him yoou were in pain - how on earth could he be expected to know? They may have been noises of intense pleasure for all he knew - it can be a similar noise. You could have been menstruating. You didn't make him aware that you didn't want him to carry on, and you'd got into bed naked with him with the intent to have sex and lose your virginity - what was he supposed to think?

SmugColditz · 29/10/2008 00:06

And for all you say about non verbal signals, well, he was busy at the time, wasn't he? And men have never been especially adept at non-verbal signals.

my first time hurt. but the difference was, it was with much loved and very caring boyfriend, who was appalled when I told him to stop because it hurt - but he hadn't KNOWN it was hurting until I told him.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 29/10/2008 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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