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Original poster

Life doesn't feel worth living any more

376 replies

WigWamBam · 28/02/2005 09:49

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

OP posts:
anorak · 02/03/2005 16:07

Yes, I want to echo the sentiments about your being strong. Depression doesn't happen to weak people. They cave in at the slightest thing and so nothing ever builds up enough to depress them.

Depression is what happens to people who are so good at coping that they go on doing so for years and years against all the odds, until finally they break under the pressure. When this happens it feels bewildering to someone who is used to being an excellent coper.

Original poster
WigWamBam · 02/03/2005 16:27

The amount of support and kindness that I've had on this thread has been overwhelming, and I can't thank everyone enough for helping to keep my head above water the last couple of days. It sounds over dramatic, but I really don't think I could have coped without it. If I have been strong it's because I have had so much emotional support here.

Thanks for the suggestions about the lists; I think that would help me to actually see where I am and what I'm doing. I think Moo is right, lists of targets will be too much, but I will try lists of achievements.

Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
miam · 02/03/2005 16:36

WWB. So glad you are feeling a little better now. That's the way to beat this thing - a little bit at a time and take each day as it comes. You have had such fabulous advice from everyone on here too. Anorak, what you have said just hit the nail on the head. You will come out of this WWB, and be all the stronger for it. Keep posting. xxxx

BearessLite · 02/03/2005 19:49

WWB - hang in there. Take a fave toy for dd to play with while you talk to the doc on Friday to buy you time - although she will probably select some ancient and germ-infested object from the waiting room! You have been amazing this week.

mummytosteven · 02/03/2005 21:53

well everyone here's given such good advice, nowt I can really add to it (not often I am virtually speechless, is it).

would love to meet you IRL. surely there must be somewhere mutually convenient between Sutton and Liverpool - Brum? not very geog. clued up

hub2dee · 02/03/2005 23:30

(Sorry for this hijack, this has nothing to do with your thread, but it might be a nice distraction for you WWB)

I noticed you were active on some of the sewing chats. Can I ask if you think this would be a good idea: We have a combined living / dining room in one smallish space, and I was wondering if it might be feasible to sew some kind of cover for the table - a sort of top layer with side skirts to the floor on three sides and some kind of front flap to represent a door and turn it into a temporary play den.

Could be designed to be a castle / space station / shop / cottage etc.

Do you get what I mean ? Anyone seen a product like this ?

Conceivably the side skirts could be snappered onto the top surface (instead of an all-in-one), so the design could be changed for different activities, or one side could be removed to pull chairs up to the table for lunch. Maybe the top could be in wipe clean fabric for extra practicality ?

Hey WWB, is this a neat business idea or what ?

(Probably 'or what' )

Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 09:26

Excellent idea, hub2dee, just the kind of thing my dh would spend hours designing and then consign to the back of the cupboard along with all the other projects that never get finished

I only cross-stitch so have no idea how feasible something like that would be, but it sounds relatively easy to me - you wouldn't need a complicated design because the majority of work would be done by the child's imagination.

Thank you for the distraction from my crappy morning.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 03/03/2005 09:59

Has your morning already begun crappy ? Hope not.

Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 10:04

Crappy morning. Tried talking again to dh last night, he listened, gave me a hug, told me I should have told him before ... then asked what was for tea and has gone back to grappling bears again this morning (he's away again for a couple of days). I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

I'm still struggling to get out of this big black pit (although I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I have done for the last couple of days) and to top it all, dd is ill this morning - but at least it give me something else to occupy my mind!

I'm not counting the tablets again, though, so things aren't as bad as they were.

OP posts:
BearessLite · 03/03/2005 10:23

WWB - I think he needs to read this thread, would you be prepared to let him do that?

RTKangaMummy · 03/03/2005 10:29

{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

cyberhugs for you WWB

Perhaps ask him to read it

or you could edit it and then print it for him

Glad you are feeling a little better than beginning of week

Poor DD hope she gets better soon,

RTKangaMummy · 03/03/2005 10:31

Sorry I can't solve how to get him to listen or understand

Perhaps others who have been there will come up with ideas on that one

mummytosteven · 03/03/2005 10:33

WWB - nothing helpful to add to how to get DH to understand - will ask DH when he is back from work tonight to get his view point. suspect tho that you're just going to have to give him a few point blank instructions tho -

would it help if DH arranged a cinema trip/meal out for you? or if he just got a takeaway in?

mummytosteven · 03/03/2005 10:33

PS. let me know if you fancy meeting up in brum at any point in the next few weeks!

Mothernature · 03/03/2005 10:41

WWB, still thinking of you, men are a strnage breed, I'm sure he has taken it in, but as he's away agin now for a few days it must feel like you have no where to turn, bug deep breath and get your doctor to listen/read what you have to say, would it be possible for dh to be there? it may help him understand the seriousness of your situation..

anorak · 03/03/2005 10:42

WWB, I often feel that my dh hasn't really listened to me properly when I tell him about something emotional. He doesn't seem to register any response. In fact he even argues with me sometimes. But then a lot of the time he goes away and thinks about it and I find things do change after a couple of days.

Some men can't respond immediately to emotional issues, they need time to think about it. And sometimes they don't say anything but it doesn't mean they haven't taken in what you said.

It's like trying to talk to an alien sometimes, isn't it?

Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 10:42

Brum is easy from here, MTS - 20 minutes on the train, so very local! Would love to try and meet up, if it's not too far for you to come?

I just don't know how to get through to dh - he seemed to take it in, asked whether I'd got as far as taking the tablets out of their packets, hugged me while I cried, then asked what was for tea and that was the end of that. I'm sure he's concerned but he just seems to think that there's a line drawn underneath it now, and that everything gets back to normal again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 10:44

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ... definitely on another planet, Anorak! I can't speak Martian though.

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 03/03/2005 10:46

oh yes, agree with Anorak - that with DH it's a slow burn - that if I am addressing anything with him, have to wait for him to think it through to get best response rather than getting immediate help/apology whatever

i am very train happy, WWB. Brum probably less than 2 hours for me. will look up.

dinosaur · 03/03/2005 10:47

WWB I'm really glad to see that you're feeling a tiny bit better .

hub2dee · 03/03/2005 11:33

Sorry WWB - out measuring my rusty downpipes and guttering.

I hate going up bleeding ladders. Old sodding houses. Love 'em.

I will postulate on bear grappling behaviour when I get back from the merchants.

Meanwhile, reflect on this post you made last year (maybe a happier time ?):

"Dh does all the ironing, hoovering, some of the washing up and knows how to fill the washing machine. He also changes the sheets and stuffs the duvet and puts the rubbish out. He usually baths our dd and does a couple of hours of solo child-care on a Saturday morning so I can have a break. He's a sweetie - although he won't clean the loo "

This is not typical behaviour of uncaring horrible bear grappler.

It sounds more like quite a well-trained one.

Quite possibly it is only emotional blinkerdom that has descended on this grappler who otherwise sounds quite useful indeed

Later...

Dior · 03/03/2005 11:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 11:43

hub2dee - I know that dh isn't an uncaring bear grappler, he is a kind, sweet and sensitive man who I would be nothing without, which is why I can't understand why he seems to be withdrawing. I'm sure that Dior is right and that he's scared, but I am too.

OP posts:
Dior · 03/03/2005 11:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster
WigWamBam · 03/03/2005 11:57

It happens about three times a year ... babysitters few and far between.

I think he thinks (I don't know, because he won't tell me) that because the worst has passed then everything's OK again, and that we can just carry on as if nothing had happened. And I suppose we could - except I'd be here again in a couple of weeks time going through exactly the same thing again.

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