Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

my slow typing

you have good suggestions there

I also found that when I first met my dh he wanted to try and fix all my problems and used to get frustrated when he couldn't. I had to explain to him that depression is something that takes years and years to build and years and years to dismantle and that he wasn't going to be able to tinker with it and make a speedy repair.

I explained that what a depressed person needs is a shoulder to cry on, a safe place. Someone who never gets tired of listening. That way you can feel that there is at least one other human being who really understands everything that has happened to you and how much your emotions have been battered by it. If you have someone who is simply there for you, who knows you through and through and loves you anyway, they can eventually love your depression away. My dh did this for me and it was the most wonderful gift I ever received.

Anorak that sounds really good advice and is exactly what I wish I could have said

I really want to help but am not sure how to WWB.

So perhaps I should just let you talk rather than fire questions at you

Thank goodness I didn't just disappear in a flame of 'you just don't understand, you dumb toad'

Generally, WWB, men are kinda programmed not to admit to being frightened or not understanding stuff, particularly emotional issues. We grapple bears and sometimes (try) and fix cars and computers.

Hugs, however, should be within the vocabulary of even the roughest bear grappler. If he isn't doing what you want, you could always try simplifying the language and directing the action.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

hub2dee, I don't think you're toad or in the least patronising, I think you are speaking a great deal of sense, and if my dd hadn't just deleted a huge great post that I'd done, you'd be able to see why! I don't think you're being too flippant either, I do have a sense of humour, although perhaps there's not much evidence of it on this thread.

Hugs are usually well within the vocabulary of my bear grappler, I think last night he was waiting for me to tell him what to do right down to asking for a hug - and of course at the time I wasn't thinking straight enough to realise that. I know he cares, I'm just not sure he knows how to show me. I also don't think he realises quite how bad I've been feeling, or maybe doesn't want to admit it to himself.

A walk sounds good, although at the moment a combination of snow and dd not wanting to go out in the snow mean that I'll have to wait. She's at nursery this afternoon so I will try and get into Sutton Park again for some birdsong and fresh air.

KM, dh can't come with me on Friday as he's working back down in Devon on Thursday and Friday and will be away - and I can't really talk to my MIL, so will have to take dd with me. It's not ideal but I'll just have to manage. This is a bad week for dh workwise actually, so not the best of times to be going quietly off my rocker.

Ah ha ! A sense of humour.

(Thank the Lord).

and "...quietly off my rocker" is a much better place than "I hate being me, I hate living this way"

Good. Well done.

The birds outside my window are however going mental, and I suggest you spend a worrying amount of time listening to them on your walk as they discuss SAD and the latest nest making techniques. (real nest or disposable ? Soy or garden worms ?)

I hate the effing cold and snow (unless skiing), so I can understand your reluctance to venture outside. Nonetheless you should do it this afternoon. If you post before you go I will also get out and shuffle as it does such good.

Yeah, bear grapplers are real brave in the woods, but hugs risk potential wallops from pyscho babes so are real risky If in doubt, direct !

The idea of the Mother of His Children going Off Her Rocker is obviously Too Big To Even Contemplate. Go gently and claim your cuddles and attention and assistance and I am sure it will come, esp. so after a bad week at work.

Best of luck.

A very good friend of mine sent me a message this morning that said I should scream at him, and if he runs away then I should just run after him screaming. I think that would be far more psycho than hitting him. He might have me sectioned though!

That is a shame about his work

I can vouch for WWB sense of humour

It is one of the best on here

You might point to this thread, argue it was pre-meditated behaviour, thus not insane, thus not sectionable

Anyway, do you have a thermos or what ?

Either fill it with hot choc / coffee or head for a cafe this PM. Everything will (slowly) work out.

No thermos but I have scarves, hat and gloves, and the sun has come out so walking sounds possible this afternoon.

Although sitting in a cafe is more tempting ... but then I wouldn't hear the birds sing and at the minute I'm trying to appreciate the good stuff.

Take something to sit on like a spare coat otherwise you will get cold bot

Hi WWB{{{{{}}}}}
My DH has never really understood my depression. He tries to but like some of the others have said he gets frustrated that he can't fix me. He is a confident, happy person with high self esteem so self loathing and depression are things he really can't comprehend. He says he feels like he should be able to make me happy and it makes him feel vulnerable and insecure when I am still so low. Although he knows I love him he can't help worrying if i love him enough if he isn't enough to make me happy.
I have explained to him that i do love him and the children but that depression is an illness that makes everything seem so grey and miserable that its hard to enjoy anything. When we first got together he thought that i should and could just pull myself together and decide to be happy but over the years he has come to accept that it is more complicated than that and I will sometimes battle with these feelings.
Unless you have been through depression or something similar yourself I think it is very difficult to really understand what its like. How hopeless and impossible everything seems. I suppose for me the best thing DH does when I am low is to take over looking after the children when he can to give me a break and some time to myself. Like your DH he needs something concrete he can do.
Sorry if I've rambled on a bit. Hope your walk clears your head later.xx

wher e are you/ in london? maybe a few of us can come and whip you off somewhere to try and help lift your spirits..have you a close friend that could go to the drs withyou to vouch for how bad you feel as if like me the minute you try and say how you truly feel i start blubbing and cant get anything out!!! cat me if you want to chat i1m in se london if that helps ..love and hugs

I'm in the Midlands - miles away from anyone else I know! The isolation doesn't help.

Is Bonkerz near you?

An hour or so away. She has very sweetly offered to come over but she's a busy lady too, and I don't want my stress to add to hers - she's had a rough few weeks.

WWB glad to hear you are feeling a bit brighter.

I am another one who has suffered from depression for years so I really empathise with how your are feeling right now. I am just crawling out of my winter blackness at the moment (I struggle so much more at this time of year), although the prolonged bad weather is not helping. I might have to go back on ADs again if it doesn't improve soon and I have been off them for 7 years now.

Can't really add to the advice you have had from the others here (has anyone mentioned kicking the receptionist up the arse?)

again. If you want to have another person to vent/scream/rage/lean on feel free to add me to your email list antlxstew at yahoo.co.uk

oh right I had an idea she was in same town

Hi, WWB - just wanted to say sorry you are feeling low at the moment. I had severe PND after dd2, so much of what you have written seems like you are typing out my thoughts from back then (she's 4 this month). Right down to the point where you were counting out the pills, it makes me cry to remember it, but I too was convinced my family would be so much better off with out me......... I sent my dh a "suicide text" at work and he phoned in a panic (crying his eyes out) begging me not to do anything til he got home and we could talk - he works away too. That phone call shocked me and, I think, saved my life.

I didn't want to blah on about my experience, I wanted to let you know you are not alone........ I live in Tamworth which can't be far from you if you walk in Sutton park - and I know of a terrific support group that I went to, that REALLY helped.

I'll get hold of any info you want, just let me know. Would gladly visit too only have 2 very poorly little girls off school today, but we can get together when they're well if you like?

xxx

WWB, just read through your post, what you have been through since monday, shows in your post, the ups and downs. You have a great strength, and it shows..... we just have to get you to see it.. I think many of us who have posted on here have been through what you are going through. I have essbee to thank for a lot of things, maybe she doesn't realise, (so thank you essbee!!) I have been on AD's, same as yours, now I'm seeing a counseller. There is light at the end of that long tunnel.... Keep posting.....

Thank you everyone, you're all being so kind and I really don't deserve it . I didn't get out for a walk, Sutton Park in a hail storm isn't good for making anyone feel better! Although of course now I'm back home and don't have time to walk there again, the sun is shining.

3mummy - it does help to hear from others who have felt the same; it has surprised me to be honest how many people have been in the same position. I'm in Sutton itself, although none of my family and few of my friends are anywhere near here. As I said before, I feel quite isolated at the best of times.

Survivor - I don't feel very strong, to be honest, I feel like a self-obsessed, hopeless quivering heap of jelly at the moment! Although I do feel slightly more on a even keel today, which is at least one good thing. And hub2dee has made me laugh with some of his posts here this morning, so perhaps things are looking up!

WWB yes you do

we all think alot of you and want to help

All ills cured wih nothing but an emoticon.

Pursue those local suggestions, WWB, might be a great help.

Bloomin weather. When it's tolerable and possible, go for it though.

WWB you are strong. The strong people are the ones who feel like a "self-obsessed, hopeless quivering heap of jelly" and still manage to keep going - even go out for a walk - well done. Something that used to help me, as an inveterate list-maker, was to write down anything I had achieved in a day. Not a list of things to do - because then if you can't manage it you feel you have failed. But, say today, write "Went for a walk in Sutton Park."

Some days you may only be able to write "Got out of bed. Got dressed." but as all of us who have been where you are know that's no mean feat some days.

And the fact that you have 175 posts on this thread shows how much people on here think of you - you do deserve our support.

Take care xxx

Just to reiterate what moo has said, WWB, you are very strong. The fact that you are fighting this so hard proves how strong you are.

Also, like moo, sometimes when I've felt worn down and completely lost, I had to make lists, but of things that I liked or remembered enjoying. I know it sounds like a silly thing to do, but it's helped me remember who I am in really difficult times.