I am waking out on my family in the morning and heartbroken...

[babyalfie]

I had to put it down here as cannot cope anymore at all. I am not that depressed but feel in a state.

The situation is... I ahve three children 17, 15 and 8. I broke up with the girls father when they were babies but they still have a fab relationship. The little ones dad is still around and often see him. For the past 2 years though I met a man that I thought I loved, infact I did love and he sold his house on the intention of moving intogtehr. However after about 10 months down theline my son cannot get on with his son and to be honest although I have tried I do not like the boy. H eis 10 and all he want to be is a chav, everthing he likes is different to my values and expectations so we decided to not move intogther. Well to cut a long story short I am pregnant 13 weeks and i have not told any of my family as they would hate it and i mean that as they hate the son and resent my ex. My ex however has started with athritats and is now housebaound and his sister has been to my house saying she is going to screw me for every penny and she knows about the baby... hence I am leaving in the morning. I love my kids so much but have to this. I am going to try and get a termination and find a hostel to live in. I have wrote everything out fro my sons dad as going to let him move in the family house and look after the kids. I also have a poorly daughter but know he will love them and care for them. I ahve wrote all the number etc to contact so everything can be transfered into his name. Does anybody know if I could get the mortgage transfered or not in a short period or am I best just leaving it in my name.

Dont know posting on her to be honest but needed to get it off my had as heartbroken.

babyalfie you are taking the easy coward's way out.

It's not fair on your children.

You can pay your ex back what he invested in the house without resorting to the courts and nastiness.

Is it really worthy fucking up your children's lives for good? They will not recover from this.

Please think about just having a temporary break?

you are pregnant, you have a family, leaving is, actually, not an option. it will create even more havoc and trauma, for you and your family.

you need some help with this.

see teh CAB, see your doctor, sleeping in your car whilst your children weep for you is not going to help anyone

What was it that scared you? Was it the threat of solicitor?

Please don't get spooked by this - there are lots of people who can help. The CAB is the obvious place. Ask about legal aid.

But it has to come from you...

i have put money into dh's before he became dh and before we were actually living togther as a couple.

i had to have a legal agreement to state that i had put x amount of money into the house and would get x amount back before i would have been entitled to anything. has your x done this? im thinking no. therefore no matter how much money he put into the house he is entitled to nothing back, unless he gave you the money as a loan and has something on paper to prove that.

a solicitor would tell them the same thing. they cannot enter your property and rip out your kitchen. it is against the law and his sister would be charged with burgalry.

plus as some one pointed out you are pegnant with his child he has a responsibilty to that child. you say you would like to keep your baby but it would upset your children? and then you go on to say that you are close to your children. if this is true then they would accpet the baby. it may be hard for them to come to terms with or they may be over the moon. they do love you and need you and children just want to see their parents happy.

running is not the answer to your problem. i think you are suffering from stress and depression and you need to speak to some one in rl to discuss your actual options and how you are feeling.

yes I am still here do not worry... I have a pounding headache and just about to do reading with my son. My daughter hugged me before she went out and told me she loved me and to keep strong.

She would hate it trust me as I thought i was pregnant last year and she said she would leave although she will be going to uni in a year or so.

My ex does not have anything on papaer at all and agred to it all as my full intention was us to move in and live together but honestly this was all before he was ill and the last 6 months have been hell his son is bully and although tried nothing sinks in and cannot live with him so not fair to him nor me and my family to have to put up with him. Like you say I do have his child. She said she was going to rip the kitchen out, sell my car etc... but that is on finace anyway. the courts would look at us as well wouldnt they as my daughter has mental problems and i get the highest dla for her. I ahve had to give up work 2 weeks agao or she may die (severe eating disorder and other health problems)

Thanks for help and time I appreciate very much.

OK it sounds like they don't have a leg to stand on to be honest.

Although morally you probably should pay him back for the investment in your home. Can you afford to re-mortgage and pay him back what he put in?

If you can't then really I think you should contact the police and say you are being threatened by this woman

Please don't leave your children over this .. money is not important enough to destroy your family ove

babyalfie, don't leave your children, please. If you think your situation is bad now about facing people, how can you face them if you walk out and leave your children?

There is so much support and help on MN - ask questions and get the help you need to sort out this situation. NOTHING is unsurmountable and leaving is not the answer.

Please don't walk out on your children.

babyalfie - i can totally understand why you feel you need to go. you are having a really rough time of it. please don't go though as you will be so much unhappier and so will your children. it sounds like they are your life and that you are all so close, and it sounds like your daughter in particular really needs you.

is there anyone you can confide in about what your ex-partner's sister is doing? perhaps your son's dad as he sounds like he is a good man? it sounds to me like she is being nothing more than a bully, and i think it would be great if you had another adult who could help you deal with her and maybe do some of the legwork with you around seeing CAB and a solicitor. i really don't think she has a leg to stand on legally and think she knows this which is why she is being so threatening towards you.

i think you might need a few days away to clear your head and think about the baby. do you have a friend in another town that you can go and stay with while your son's dad looks after your children. a bit of distance will give you the time to think through things properly and make some decisions. it sounds like everything at home is too intense at the moment for you to be able to think straight.

take care

no legally they dont have a leg to stand on. they could pursue the matter through the civil courts but it would cost them a lot of moey and it sounds like they dont have that money. even that way it is unlikely that the court would award them the money as you took the money in good faith that the relationship would work. and he gave the you the money rather than loaning you it. relationships do break down your ex knoew this when he gave the money yet took no action to protect himself in that situation.

yes morally you should pay back the money. could you afford to set an amount over each month for a period of time? or as twiglet said remorgate your house?

things are often said in the heat of the moment. your daughter was probably angry and scared when you thought you maybe pregnant. i am sure she wouldnt walk out. she would forgive you and come to love her new little or brother or sister.

whether or not she would forgive you for walking out on her is a different matter. your children may end up thinking that you did not love them enough to stay and face this. that would be a hard thing to forgive.

you sound like you ahve brought your children up well and that you love them. please do not walk out on them. it would not be good for you or children.

you really do need to talk to some one in rl re the money of your ex's and counselling for yourself.

agree re go to the police if you feel threatened by your ex's sister.

Your SIL can get NOTHING from you.

You need to see

1. A Dr to get some support emotionally/mentally
2. A solicitor to tell these horrid people to just butt out.

If your ex has put any money into the property, tough. If he lived there with you, then tough. That is just how it goes. You don't get refunds on money spent in a relationship. You are not a pair of shoes. He cannot get any money back.

Do not walk out on your children. You will regret it.

Babyalfie have no other advice other than has already been suggested.

Just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has already said. You obviously love your dc so much, and you've had a hard time recently taking care of your daughter and the problems with your x's son.

Please talk to your ds's dad, if he can move in jsut now and give you some support and a bit of a break, this may help you. Please try every other avneue before walking away from your children.

And phone your local police station and report this woman for threatening behaviour and harrasment.

I know that online support isn't the same as rl support, but on here you have somewhere you can put your thoughts down, and there will always be people here to listen to you. x

babyalfie, I really feel for you feeling overwhelmed by it all but please for the love of God don't do this to your dc. Please please please listen to the advice here, re getting in touch with cab or seeing your gp re depression.

I know a lot about abandoment and I truly believe you would not like to imagine your dc feeling deserted but with clean teeth.
Have you been a MN'r long? I only ask because for all it's faults Mn'rs ara a formiddable bunch and time and time again I've witnessed women pulled back from the brink and being able to live their lives in ways previously unthinkable.

I've been here over three years and have probably never felt as passioniate about MN as I do now. I bet you my last dollar if you take some of the advice here and take a chance on MN you will find your not alone.

You have actually taken a huge step by posting your thread, that in and of itself tells me deep down that you want support. You have come this far, don't stop now.

I don't have cat facility but if you do and want to contact me for some offline support your more than welcome. x

hello there no I do not use this site much at all but another parenting site but the help and advise has been amazing.. although I am all worked up and have a pounding head I am going to go see a soliciter in the morning also. I cannot re mortgage as have given up work a few weeks ago to care for my sick daughter as she is very ill and need to get her better if i can. She has spent half of last year in hospital and that alone stresses me out. well thanks and i am still here but unsure what to do. I am still going for my cvs in leeds on tueday morning but will go alone and will have drive home alone... will i be okay?

Thanks evrybody for their support.

of course you will be okay just remember that your children need you. they need you to come back home to them.

you do know what to do. you know to go and see a solictor and come back home to your children.

id also strongly reccommend that you go and see your gp and tell him how you are feeling.

BabyAlfie,
You sound in such a really difficult situation with pressures coming at you from all directions! But you have given up a lot already to help your ill daughter and how on earth would your leaving affect her? Never mind the others? If necessary, arrange to have a week or two off giving them advance notice, but please please don't just walk out on them. My Dad left the family when I was 12 without telling me in advance and I swear 32 years later I still feel the effects of that. A solicitor and the CAB will be able to help you get all sorts of things sorted out and you will do so much better than you would if you walked out. I wish I lived in Leeds as I would go with you to the CVS but unfortunately I am a long way away. Is there really nobody at all who could go with you? I seem to remember after having an amniocentesis I was advised to take it very easy for a day or two. I will be checking back to see how you're doing - please hang in there.

a little update....

I meeting my ex the father of the baby I am carrying this morning at 10 this morning to have a chat. He says he collapsed on the floor yesterday and rang his sister for help and it all came out. Feeling a bit more posotive also this morning thanks to you guys... will update what went on later.. Thanks so much for the support.

glad to hear that you are feeling mor posittive babyalfie. i hope everything goes well this morning.

so the only reason you are leaving is cos your ex's sister says she is going to screw you for every penny. how is she going to do that? from your post i am assuming you weren't ever married?

if you feel as if you should pay the money back is there anyway you can get a loan from the bank to do it? or could you pay him a very small amount back each week for so many weeks even if it was only £20 or something. obviously if you can afford more that would be better cos it wouldn't take as long to pay off.

Don't do anything in a rash. The fact that you say only an overdose is the only other way means you need to seek professional counsel and pronto.
The childrens father sounds reasonably level headed (no offense but you aren't...at least at the moment).
Deal with one thing at a time.
If you don't want this next baby then try to find someone that does. Go ahead and have it and then put the baby up for adoption. You aren't just dealing with this alone now...being pregnant means you have to make decisions for someone else too...at least for the 9 months you are carryng.
I suspect your being pregnant may have something to do with your panic too. You need to get your blood levels checked immediately.
For goodness sake...that sister in law (sister?) needs a muzzle on her straight away too. She also needs to get a life of her own.

babyalfie walking out on your children is not the right thing to do! If you are in a bad situation now you will be even worse doing that and you say your children would hate it if you had this baby, well wouldn't they hate it more their mum running out on them?

They won't turn their backs on you, no matter what your eldest says, I'm speaking from her POV on this part my mum got pregnant when iI was 18 and for some reason or other it seemed like the end of gthe world! Now I have 2 gorgeous twin sisters who I love to bits even though there is a huge age gap! If you want this baby keep it don't let anyone else make the decision for you, you are not capable of such a big decision at the moment.

Please please seek some proper help and get your head sorted, if that means taking afew days out while your ex looks after the kids then so be it but don't just leave.

Good luck with everything.

Good luck with the meeting babyalfie and thanks for the update.