Morning, sweetie. I hope you had some dreamless sleep. I'm so sorry about all the crap you got from your family - that's awful. I've been thinking a lot about you, and your decision to keep j, and every time I end up thinking how remarkable, brave, and lovely you are. It can't have been an easy decision to make, but your love for j shines through here so much, and that's what will shape him - your love, not how he came to be conceived.
You remind me of my nana a bit, I've just thought - she didn't go through what you did, but she did get pregnant before she was married - this was rural Ireland in the 1930's. Her father kicked her out of the house, she had to leave the baby for her sister to raise, and her father refused to allow her to become a nurse. She came over to England, and eventually met my grandad, and had my mum and my uncle.
The way you remind me of her is that she could so easily have been bitter and angry, and taken this out on her children, but she was determined that their life would be better than hers, and that she would support them, and not be the kind of parent that she had endured. She wasn't particularly soft and cuddly, and I suspect she dealt with her feelings by using this hard outer shell, but I am very grateful to her - she passed on this support and strength to my mum, and I have benefited from this. It can't have been easy for her, and sadly I never knew her - she died when I was a baby - but I am grateful to her for making a fresh start and putting the rubbishness of her family behind her.
I hope this isn't a bad thing to say just now, as you're dealing with the death of your nan, but I wanted to tell you that you remind me very much of someone who indirectly made my life very good.