Anyone know how CvQ is today? Has she been in touch with anyone?

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She was in a bad way in the early hours of this morning, has anyone had any contact with her at all today? Am quite worried about her.

Are there any DVDs you have NS, that you love and can always go to sleep to? I have Friends and Will and Grace and they always work for me. Or can you go to sleep with music? I can't but it works for some people. Can you read until you sleep? Have you had a bath or a hot shower? Is J still asleep?

OMG I have written you 199 questions, like an exam

Ahhh - i posted and was already behind much wiser people. Ignore me - listen to them!!

ive been given some diazepam but cant get one at the moment.that would help me

because you haven't had the prescription filled?

Hope you are sleeping now xx

NS is having internet probs. I think she may be trying to sleep now, but I do know she was on MSN a short time ago asking if MN had gone down, and then said it was something at her end.

ive been reading stuff i shouldnt and i know its wrong
god help me

what stuff have you been reading?

is your mum still there?

oh god.i looked on sites about how im feeling.i needed to tell someone
i cant tell mum this
i was curious

Hey love. Google is not always good. What did you find out? You seem a bit scared.

yeah im scared.ways of oh god i cant even say it
and poetry all about it

Can you say what yu are scared of?

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im scared because it has taken over my head but i do know its wrong
and the written stuff is so strong.it shouldnt be allowed to be on here.its not good.

It sounds nasty all right.

The 'taking over your head' thing sounds like Post Traumatic Stress although I am no expert. How often are you seeing the counsellor?

My instinctive reaction is that you need to talk it all out again and again and again and again till it has less power over you. I don't know if that makes any sense. It seems to me that you are bottling a lot of stuff up which is not good and it gets to a stage when it all rears up and tries to come out which is when you have a crisis and want to sh to stop that hurt.

Morning,NS. I see you had another tough night

yeah and im being a crap mum aswell
i hate myself and cant be a proper mum.but god am i trying.i really am trying.
these feelings are practically all-encompassing but im really trying here.i really am

We know you you are NS. And you are SO not a crap mum!

Motherhood is hard. Motherhood as a single parent is twice as hard. And motherhood after what you have been through must be 10 times harder. I know you are struggling with feeding and memories etc but your love for J shines through.

you are not a crap mum. you are doing the best you can for your darling little boy in very trying circumstances. did you manage any rest during the night?

yes i am being a crap mum.ive barely done anything with him and am detached from him.i cant even stand feeding him at the moment but im doing it
i got a little bit of sleep but woke in a sweat

And that is exactly you are not a crap mum. You are doing for your son what you believe is best for him. Do you feel like that about all touch at the moment? At the moment, it's more important for you to work through what's happening than do stuff. Is your mum still with you?

no just j.he looks like his 'father'
mums here but i might as well be alone.shes great with the practical stuff but not the emotional stuff.
thankyou for letting me talk

Is that part of the reason you're finding it harder atm? Because he's not looking so much like he used to?

no hes always looked like 'him' its more magnified at the moment because of how i am feeling.nice arent i
this has reared its head because of the CICA payout.its made me feel dirty all over again