Background so that it doesn't become some rambling read.
Menopausal (early 50's).
Awaiting an Autism/ADHD Assessment.
It seems to me this is becoming increasingly likely and has come to light via the menopause and problems masking.
I also have CPTSD as a result of a traumatic upbringing. I am receiving EMDR which is eye wateringly expensive and it looks like it will take a while if it is to be effective.
4 Dc of various ages. Eldest dd is at Uni.
Youngest dc is in primary school.
Have slipped into early retirement due to my deteriorating mental health.
DH works away at times.
Very little support in real life in terms of extended family.
I have some lovely friends, I go to hobby group with and to the cinema. And drink coffee.
I am experiencing very low mood.
I am trying to get the motivation to do some voluntary work and failing. I feel like it is filling in time. Two things currently interest me - working with children and secondhand charity bookshop. I have always enjoyed both of these! I have made initial enquiries about the bookshop and not followed it up. I don't feel really needed I suppose or particularly useful. And anxiety is high. I don't like change.
I miss having young children to care for and yet I know I couldn't cope now. I've always had admin jobs that have fitted around the children. Admin doesn't appeal now. My cognition is not what it was, I have little patience for technical things.
I love the outdoors, I take joy in the outdoors, I struggle being part of groups such as walking groups because I click better with people who are neurodivergent.
I enjoy dancing and writing and go along to groups connected with this - and have lost heart as I don't feel they are particularly productive/I don't receive validation. I also have perfectionist tendencies.
There are a couple of craft based classes I could join and can't be bothered (see above). To me it would be like attending a glorified day centre and confirmation of my deteriorating mental health.
I think I would benefit from routine and yet I struggle with committing to it.
Essentially, I have never received validation growing up. I was always made to feel like a failure. CPTSD and possible ND. I have never attained what I was probably capable of (I am degree educated). Too late now. I feel so sad and lost.
Retirement looms large. DC are getting older. And I feel like a spare part with possible volunteering and doing craft workshops to fill time.
I am not good in my own company. My mind is restless to settle to read a book/write, people help to stimulate me. And when with others I can become over stimulated. There seems no winning at this.
Utopia probably looks like hanging out in huts with artsy people and outdoor lovers. Having communal meals and living not far from trees and water. No doubt I would compare my artist ability and see myself as failing.
Having a companion to talk to or do nothing with.
I am awaiting ND assessments and then likely make an appointment with a psychiatrist re. medication.
Thank you for reading.
Not sure what I'm hoping for, maybe to feel less alone.