Dreading Christmas... again

[BlueXmas]

Hi,

Just need to get this off my chest.
I absolutely dread Christmastime since my marriage broke up (5th separate Xmas this year)

I hate that I spend some of the time without my kids.
ExH has a different new partner this year, so I dare say he'll be playing happy families with her and our children at some point. He done this with a previous GF and it absolutely cut me to pieces, because Christmas was always a special time and one I valued as family time.

We split because he was adulterous and was abusing substances and booze.
I find I end up feeling so angry and sad, still, on occasions such as Christmas or the kids Birthdays... because I feel like he took away the future I envisaged and all the things I valued and lived for.

I used to love Christmas and now I just feel like it's something to survive and 'get through'. It hurts me so much that it's not like it used to be anymore.

As I said, I think a big part this year is that I'm fearing he'll play happy families with the new GF and kids...and I'll just be alone and sad.

It sounds so pathetic, but I really do struggle to get through it and just feel like I'm wishing my life away until it stops hurting.

We were together for almost 20 years and have been split for 6, doing separate Christmas' for 5.

Frankly, I fucking hate it. I hate winter, I now hate Christmas, I hate him for taking so much of my life away with his selfish wreckless behaviour.

I just feel awful and sad.

When will the children be with you? Make that time as special as possible, and then when they go to their dad’s - arrange to see friends, do a big clear out of something you’ve been meaning to sort, that kind of thing. Keep busy but also allow some some self indulging too

I think a gift to yourself needs to be therapy. It’s been 6 years and you speak as though you are as raw about it as it happened yesterday

He sounds like an arse that you are well rid of. The new GF is welcome to his lying, unfaithful twattery.
I do understand that time away from your children is difficult and painful.
BUT how Christmas is now is entirely on you. You can make it anything you want. New traditions with your lovely children.
His behaviour was utterly reprehensible but only you get to choose if Christmas is miserable or magical. Is there anyway you can work towards moving beyond his influence and get back to your love of the season?
Many, many ‘happy families’ don’t include 2 parents in the same house. The girlfriend is not your children’s happy family. You are. If you let yourself be.

The ironic thing is that I have been in therapy for a long time. For the most part, it has helped.

I am generally okay, but there's something about the short days and the countdown to Christmas that breaks my heart now.

In all honesty, I don't think I'll ever truly 'get over' everything my ExH put me through....I ended up with PTSD, it's been horrendous and I have to work hard to regulate myself - I spiral easily now.

Hi OP, I really feel for you ♥️ It's time for you to start your own Christmas traditions. Cherish and enjoy your time with the kids, make that extra special. With your alone time, do something good for yourself, whatever that might be
Focussing on your ex, him having a jolly time with your kids isn't helping you. Anyway, unless he has had a complete change and isn't abusing alcohol etc - the kids will know and see that. You sound a lovely person, I'm sure you are very positive when talking about your ex in front of your kids. Them seeing his behaviour for themselves will definitely be happening.
Do you have family or friends you could see at Christmas, or could you host people for a couple hours? Or a near neighbour who is alone or elderly you could visit?
Don't let the thought of your ex and kids having a wonderful time spoil what YOU have with your kids. ♥️

This is only a little thing but I was surprised when it worked for me.

I don’t have any family - we don’t do longevity well. No parents, siblings, only one cousin, and an uncle by marriage. I didn't marry and didn’t get to have kids. Xmas is really hard and absolutely something for me to get through.

A few years back my friend in Australia sent me some indoor hyacinths to bloom over Xmas. I focussed on those, downplayed everything else, and they were incredible when they flowered. The scent was amazing. They really helped me to focus on spring and a new year rather than Xmas, and I’ve treated myself to a pot online ever since.

How old are your children? It may soon reach a point where they vote with their feet and say they don’t want to spend Christmas with dad’s new girlfriend who they barely know.

Could you volunteer on Christmas Day? My divorced friend is helping at the soup kitchen since her kids are at their dads. There might be some sort of community event in your area for people on their own for Christmas (we have a lunch going on at the local church hall)