I don’t want to carry on

[cavewoman2026]

Hello all,

I’m crying while writing this but I’ve accepted I’ve fallen into the deepest depression ever. I never thought it’d happen to me because I’ve always been an optimistic person, the joker in my friendship group, the one everyone comes to for advice, the ‘strong one’ but lately I haven’t been able to get out of bed (in my spare time). I’m a single mum and adore my kids but lately I find motherhood so pointless. I’m not even surprised at the collapsing fertility rates in this country, women are much more aware now about being a mum. My ex cheated on me with multiple women, I thought we had a happy marriage, his mistress has been attacking me for years (and now calling me crying he’s cheated on her too) that I had to do drastic measures to get them to leave me alone. I’ve tried to do everything right, rented out my spare room, got a job (at my kids school no less!), strengthened my friendship groups, dated, lost weight, bought new clothes, am in therapy but…nothing is helping. Maybe it’s growing up finally and realising this is it, this is what adulthood is, this is how life is for many people but from the outside it looks like I’m holding it together but inside I’m not. I don’t see the point of getting up. If I want my mum to babysit I have to pay her. Babysitters are even more expensive. The men I encounter just want to use me for my looks but I want someone to appreciate my essence. So I’ve lost interest in that too. It’s the least of my worries right now. My lodger won’t leave and having her around (she’s the sweetest lady) makes me so irritated for some reason. Trying to move homes but the rental market is brutal on single mothers even though I have two incomes. I try to be a good person, help others, be polite, bring everyone up but inside I’m collapsing. I journal, try to go for walks when the girls dad has them for his weekly 30 minute quality time to prove he’s the dad of the year but even tactics like that don’t work. My gp turned me down for anti depressants. I don’t feel like a solid person. Like everyone is real and their lives are meaningful but not mine. I feel like I’m letting myself down. But the things I want so badly are going to be very hard to get.

has anyone pulled themselves out of a deep slump and if yes how did they do it? Rising costs and the political landscape don’t help rn.

Are you alone now @cavewoman2026 ?
Can you call a friend and say you really need company tonight?

See a different GP

That’s the issue. Recently I am filled with rage whenever someone tries to talk to me or call me. I’m aware of myself boring everyone to death ranting about my issues so I’ve learnt to shut the f*ck up and resort back to my cool girl persona.

Aw op, I’m so sorry. You need a new GP first off. Medication could really be a help. Also counselling or mental health helplines? It’s shit, but it absolutely can get better. Please talk to someone tonight if you can.

I undercomplained whilst feeling I was over complaining and was never diagnosed with depression or given medication. Jsut a few records of low mood. Then it turned out my depression wasn’t unipolar but was bipolar and I had a manic episode 3 years ago.

So I agree with pp, you need to go back and see your gp. If you can’t say it (I still can’t) then you could show them your post or write something similar for them.

i had my first depressive episode since diagnosis and it did realise how physically exhausting it could be. I had suicidal thoughts for the first time. When I was finally treated those thoughts just disappeared. So if you have dark thoughts or you can’t will yourself better, that’s what medication is for. No one would expect someone to limp on on a broken leg with medical intervention.

Take care. It will get better - I really think you need medical support.

Tell the GP what you have said here.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Can you write a list of all the rings that irritate you or worry you and try and come up with ideas to tackle them and then create an action pls ? Things like if the ex’s partner calls, just hang up - you don’t owe her anything and she got a cheek to be honest! And get a new GP appointment. Small baby steps. And don’t beat yourself up.

Didn’t want to read and run though others have given some great advice already re: see a different GP and get some help and medication. Show the GP this post and let them read it 💜

Hang in there OP - you sound like an amazing and caring mum who has done right by her kids and is trying so hard and actually thriving - but you have been knocked back by depression. Depression is totally fixable. And I totally understand where you are coming from with the ‘this is adult life’ feeling and that feeling of this is how it is can be overwhelming and hard to shake - but remember, there are so so many small things and moments to find joy and comfort in and love. You have your kids, you have so much love in your life from them as well. Maybe this evening try and give yourself whatever kind of treat you can to hopefully comfort and lift you a little. A nice bubble bath and a book? Order a face takeaway? Even just have a good old cry to a movie? Or all of those things?!

A face takeaway 🙈🙈 sorry that should say a fave takeaway - a face takeaway sounds like a medical procedure, very Halloweeenish 🙈

Also, GP needs to run bloods. If you've normally been a happy person then they need to rule out vitamin/iron deficiencies triggering this episode.

Why did your GP turn you down for antidepressants and did they suggest anything else to help you? Usually they are happy to dole out the AD as that’s a quick fix for them

I hope you find comfort in the little things today. You don't have to face everything all at once. Take care of yourself.

You need to tell your GP about your suicidal ideation. It's the only way to get them to take you seriously.