Friends children ok after suicide

[Ooooookay]

My friend died by suicide about six months ago. We used to be very close but we had drifted apart. My eldest child is very close to her eldest child so we see a lot of them. The children seem absolutely fine and thriving and their dad keeps telling me how happy they are. I am really struggling with this and it’s making me think my family would be better off without me too. My husband is permanently in a bad mood and my youngest child can’t go a day without having a massive meltdown about something which just ruins the day for everyone else. I just think that everyone would be better off without me, especially now I can see my friend’s children are managing fine without her. I don’t know how to get past this and just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

It probably hasn’t hit them yet. How old are they?

What? Are you serious?

Their dad is probably saying that as he desperately needs to keep reassuring himself that they’re okay. You won’t be seeing the nightmares, and the bedwetting, and the tears, and the lifetime of therapy.

Firstly, please call someone and get some help if you are really feeling this way. Secondly, those kids won’t be doing ok. They will either be storing up the pain which will make it worse in the long run or the dad is putting on a brave face to make what has happened a little easier and more manageable.

There is a link at the top of this page to NHS 111 online. You can use that to get help with your mental health. Please do this urgently, your friend's children and husband needed her and your family need you to be healthy. Don't think a grieving spouse saying a throw away comment because he can't bear to talk about what has happened means your family don't need you. Look after yourself and tell people how you feel so you can get help.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

With love,
MNHQ

This post feels incredibly disrespectful to your late friend.

Her children are absolutely not ok, but they present as ok, and at times are able to pull it off…but they have still lost their mum. They still need her, they’re still heartbroken.

But yes by all means, since they seem so happy, it must be a great idea and I’m sure your children will be fine, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

SERIOUSLY, if you are actually suicidal then please call the Samaritans or get on to your GP, present at a hospital if you need to, but if you aren’t, then I would consider asking for this to be removed as it is very insensitive.

I hope you are ok and do get yourself sorted soon though 💐

They won’t be ok, my dad died of cancer when I was 5 and it definetly messed me up, my aunt committed suicide when my cousion were between 11 and 14. They might have appeared ok but the ripple effect of that is still ongoing and that was 25 years ago. Children need a mum. You’re their safe person that’s why you get their worst behaviour.

I have been absolutely devastated by all of this and completely heartbroken, sometimes I literally feel like I can’t breathe. I would never disrespect my friend I am being told this repeatedly and it’s crushing me, I feel broken for her.

No one is better off when their mother dies by suicide. I’ve lost two family members this way and all you do is pass on the pain.

OP your children need you and they would not be okay without you. Please see your GP for some help 💐

They are not managing fine without their mum, OP. They are in shock, and behaving in a way their dad can cope with because he is all they have. it will all come out as they get older and very likely they will never recover. And
However difficult your home life is, your children need you and losing you would devastate them. Hang in there and get help. X

Only 6 months? Then it’s shock. OP, go and get some help, of course your children wouldn’t be better off without you.

Its an act suicide destroys families. My boyfriend and babies dad chose to end his life at 17 and I've never been the same since. But on the surface I put on a brave face for others but it destroyed me and still does 20 years later

I worked in youth corrections and almost everyone young person had an early bereavement. None had received real interventions because they seemed fine. Children will mask their pain for many many reasons.

Please don't discount their trauma from the outside. And make no mistake. If you were gone, it would be devastating. Seek help.

Then please get help for how you are feeling. Her children absolutely will not be ok, they’re just presenting as ok to their dad because they probably have to in order to make him feel ok.

Suicide is never the best option, and the second you start to think it is you need to consider getting help. Think about how you feel right now because of your friend…you don’t want to do that to your own children, family, and friends do you.

Samaritans if you are at immediate risk, call a friend or family member to sit with you for the evening. Then GP in the morning.

Look after yourself

Your post says almost exactly what my son wrote in his suicide note to me. Please please get some help, and know for sure that no one will be better off without you - the devastation caused by suicide cannot be overstated- it has blown my family apart. I cannot stress enough that you need help, talk to someone, anyone and take the first step to realising how precious you are, especially to your children. I know that my grandchildren will miss their dad forever, it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

@Ooooookay there might be something particularly significant in your wondering how your late friend's children and husband are doing since her death. Are you sure you're not still struggling with her suicide yourself? I mean as unresolved grief which is now playing out in your mind as a kind of identification with her, leading you into suicidal ideation. As others have rightly pointed out, it's pretty much a fact that your friend's family will be struggling behind the scenes and the impact of the children's loss of their mother will be with them forever. But the fact you can't even really imagine their grief is an indication that you're being consumed by your own and it's blinding you. It sounds as though you're losing touch with reality and need to see a GP at the very least. Please do as others have suggested and get yourself an urgent appointment so that someone medically trained can begin to look after you.