I feel like i’m failing ds

[GreySharks]

I have 6 dc, 4/6 are at uni or graduated so I dont think it’s my parenting. My youngest is 14 and has asd, also struggles with his mental health, notably OCD especially around germs, people coughing set him off which is not ideal now it’s cold season. Also has self harmed in the past by cutting, he no longer cuts but he self harms by picking at his lips until they bleed and biting at his fingers and picking the skin to cause infection. Same with spots

His anxiety has really ramped up since puberty started in august which coincided with him turning 14. We have had issues for a few years with school, when things were really bad he said he’d rather kill himseld than go to school. The gp were useless tbh just referred to camhs and told me to take to a&e if i thought he was at risk. Still haven’t seen camhs btw despite me calling often and half the time school don’t get back to me

School have been helpful in a way. They have put him in the hub which is a room for other autistic children, he feels he doesn’t fit in here as he feels he’s too autistic for real classes but not autistic enough for the hub which was his words, a lot of other children in the hub have ta’s whereas ds doesn’t. They also have relaxed the uniform for him, he his uniform is literally, long sleeve shirt, tie, trousers, velcro shoes which are more trainer style and he’s allowed to wear a t shirt under the shirt and due to his ocd traits he wears fingerless gloves.

He also presents himself scene day to day and has dyed hair and piercings which last year school allowed as he was in the hub anyway, this year they have said they can’t allow them as it can’t be a rule for him and another for everyone else, which I get but he doesn’t understand why and he won’t take them out at all so that’s added more anxiety about school. He went 2 days last week with the piercings in and tbh if i forced him to take them out he wouldn’t have gone those 2 days either

He doesn’t leave the house apart from school, not even for a walk so essentially i’m trapped at home when he’s home. He struggles to sleep, he always have but atm it’s worse, he sleeps about 11ish but often wakes up a couple hours later and is awake for hours and wakes me because he wants his phone/is upset/is really anxious etc and he just can’t settle despite being tired

EHCP for school has only just been sent off so who knows how long that’ll take. I went from caring for my other ds who became disabled after an accident to caring for youngest whilst also still been there for my other ds as despite him wanting to be independent it isn’t fully possible, he needs support with some things still and taken to appointments and it’s exhausting. I did have therapy a few years ago before youngest showed these issues but it didn’t do much and i don’t think it would now.

Posters on another thread jumped on me accusing me of being lax as he was posting on tiktok, which i still don’t know how to handle with him because im just exhausted, this weekend has been worse as he’s been the snappiest and moodiest he’s ever been which is probably hormones but also tiredness and his general mh he just seems so on edge about everything

He probably won’t be at school tomorrow, i keep suggesting ear defenders to try and get around the coughing issue but he refuses because he doesn’t want to be seen as different but he’ll be in the hub anyway, also doesn’t accept a fidget toy and his fingers are red raw again from school on friday

Im just resenting being a carer and him, i just feel so alone and as if im failing him

It's not uncommon for ND young people to have some kind of mental health struggle. Some things are not in your control. You are not failing your son if you are doing all you can to give him supports and meet his needs, which I'm sure you are. We can all only do our best. ❤

Thank you, I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted all the time being his carer

I do understand. I don't know if it helps you but I have found the following helps with caring for a child well over and beyond what is normally expected of parents:

Do one thing each day that brings you satisfaction. Even if it's watching something you like on TV while folding the washing, re-potting a plant, clearing a garden bed, reading, a craft, a nap, listening to some music, reading a book, buying a good coffee. Whatever does it for you.

Accept that you can't control everything and let go what you can. Decide what really matters. Most stuff doesn't that much.

Give yourself the same compassion you'd give someone else. We can often be harder on ourselves than we would be on other people.

Remember that you are just as important as those you care for. Looking after yourself, to keep caring sustainable, is caring for them.

Learn about spoon theory, if you don't know already. Ask yourself if certain activities are worth the spoons they demand. Don't be afraid to do things like quit social groups or rearrange your priorities.

If you can, don't work too many hours. If you have a partner, make sure they give you space. Sometimes I just go to see a film on my own.

I remember your previous post. Your son sounds a lot like my DD. She dresses like that too, it’s a very common trend for autistic kids.

i think things will get better for them once they’re that bit older and can meet up with people with similar interest, go out and see bands, etc.

We do find our daughter is much snippier when she’s had excess time online so we limit it with parental controls. But I do think they’re online connections are important for their mental health so don’t cut it off completely.

Our daughter is also much better when she gets outside or does some exercise but it’s like pulling teeth.

i am autistic and i didn’t really find my people until i was about 17. In my early 20s i was involved in online forums relevant to my hobbies and interests and met a lot of wonderful people on there that remain some of my closest friends to this day.

I think he will be OK. He’s just at that age where he still doesn’t have a lot of agency but is trying to express himself. Is he on any medication for his anxiety and OCD? I think that would be a good place to start.

Honestly, you sound like you’re doing a really good job. He’s stopped self harming, which is great, and he’s finding ways to express and be himself even though that means he doesn’t fit in. He just needs to get old enough to find his people and channel his energy and efforts into the things that really interest him, which he’ll have more opportunity to do as he gets older and has more choice in what he studies.