Long term stress has left me in ‘danger mode’ all the time and I just can’t come down from it.

[KiwiGolden]

I’m prone to anxiety, have adhd and I am just a general angsty person but over the last 20 odd years I’ve been stuck in this vicious flight or flight mode and I can not longer switch off no matter what I try, it now appears to be my default mode.

It started around 2015 with my then 10 year old ds, he suddenly started refusing to go to school, every year became worse and despite my pleas I received very little help or advice from the schools despite their promises, (primary were marginally more helpful than secondary), eventually I found ds a great counsellor and at 21 he’s now in a good place.

However, whilst all this was going on in 2018 my dear mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, my dad who has always been a difficult character and has never faired well with responsibilities fell to pieces and starting relying heavily on me to help out. In retrospect I went into this with eyes wide shut not realising the hell that is dementia care. Although mum now has home carers in for the past year the constant sorting out of my parents lives has taken a huge chunk from me mentally and physically that I’ll never get back. Mum also has breast cancer, has had so many disastrous hospital stays, one in which she was admitted with a nasty neck fracture, which apparently kills off most elderly people (but she’s still here a year later). Each stay in hospital has meant I’ve had to advocate for her and push for basic care needs each time because the care has been less than adequate. I’ve been the first point of call for all emergencies, doctor and hospital appointments and visits, paper work organising, helping sort finances and household issues and on and on and on.

The constant keeping other people’s plates spinning in the air whilst dealing with my own health issues has put me into this permanent wired state and every muscle in my body hurts, all the time. I feel I’m constantly on alert for that phone call or disaster. Having adhd means that I struggle to come down from hyper moments. I’m constantly in stress mode and no amount of tweaking my personal life is helping - I try to exercise, I practise yoga, only drink water, I don’t smoke or drink, sleep whenever I can etc but I’m in pain all the time. Medications causes side effects leaving me physically ill. I also have other health conditions which drain me too.

Stress has been made a million times worse over the last few weeks because dad is now on a cancer pathway. He’s having an exploratory op this Friday and mum is going into respite today for two weeks (just about to take her), I would really love for these two weeks to be relaxing for once but I know I can’t wind down that easily especially not knowing what’s going on with dad and he’s stressed which is making him even more hard work.

I’m currently having some CBT and the therapist has suggested body scan relaxation techniques which I started on Friday and I’m hoping it may help, he has suggested I practise morning and evening.

Is there anything else I can try? What can I do to release all of this tension and pain from my body? I’m 53 and feel ancient and basically, buggered.

Bloody hell, you're in the wars, I'm so sorry. I do bits & pieces for my aged MIL, she's awkward, contrary & anxious but it's on a different scale from what you're doing. My only suggestion is physio/massage if you can get it. I used to get it for neck/back pain but found it chilled me out mentally as well.

I’ve been there.

Body scan techniques can be really helpful. Meditation and exercise have also helped me immensely.

Dont underestimate the power of exercise to regulate the nervous system for us ADHD folk.

Yep.

the advice I received was to try to do things that completed the stress cycle.

so eg go and do exercise and then have a hot bath. Get your body through the fight/flight and then calm down cycle.

nowadays I do outdoor swimming - it’s exercise and in nature and the cold water triggers the “body under slight stress” and then I get out go home and have a hot bath and my body properly relaxes.

I’d say none of this is a quick fix though. I’m pretty much out the other side but it took a while.

You are dealing with a huge amount @KiwiGolden and have been for a long time, no wonder your body is so wired. The constant feeling of riding the edge of breakdown is horrible and even the smallest things can be hard to deal with, and you’re not dealing with small things.

Two things that have helped me: progressive muscle relaxation, and cortisol reducing supplements. On the latter I’m taking one of the menopause ones (because menopause has turned out to provide a whole extra layer of anxiety fun 🙄) but others are available - they take a bit of time to work though.

On the former look up progressive muscle relaxation on YouTube. It takes you through a body scan first, then through a series of tightening and relaxing your muscles. The over tightening makes the relaxation more pronounced and obvious and helps your body calm down. For me that gave me enough reduction in overall tension to then properly engage with therapies like CBT which I otherwise couldn’t get into because I was so on alert the whole time.

Genuinely, I hope this helps

Are you on HRT? We need it more than ever with ADHD.

Exercise helps with the constant adrenaline rush you get with anxiety. The Headspace App is good too. Don’t discount anti anxiety meds like Sertraline as they can be an effective solution although there are initial side effects reported.

Wallaseyite a massage does sound lovely, I think I’d need a few to be able to fully relax in order to feel the full benefits.

JellyOnMyShoe I do try to exercise every day but recently it’s felt like such a drag and I’m really struggling to motivate myself.

Octavia64 I love swimming but not in public pools, I need to find somewhere quiet and relaxing. Outdoor swimming sounds good.

BlueyDragon Can I ask which cortisol lowering supplements do you take?

herbetta I have trialled various forms of HRT but I have an added issue of suffering from endometriosis and adenomyosis and found the HRT exacerbated my pain but I’m struggling with that atm so I’m going to see if I can at least try some progesterone in some form or other.

notanotherrestructure I have tried so many antidpressants but I have gut issues too and they all gave me rotten diarrhoea which just added to my stress. I definitely do find exercise helps to a degree though.

Same. Twenty years as a lone parent with no support has left me a wreck. To top it all off, my work is now incredibly stressful.
I'd love a few months off work to reset and use my brain a bit.

i m also stuck in the loop - although not from circumstances like yours, OP - this sound tougher than anything i ve had to deal with.
In my case, it s years of work bullying and harassment which i ve kind off weathered (at least in appearance) and DDs MH. The bullying has left me with a sort of fear/tension/high alert mode which is always "on".
I dread my elderly Dparents developing significant health issues - i don't think i would cope.

i had hopes on HRT... but it s not touching the anxiety - i m wondering whether there is a compulsive aspect to what i do: i "scan" for likely disasters on an hourly basis - possibly to "protect" myself - but as a result, i don't sleep, i grind my teeth day and night, and i m a general misery at home (i fake well at work!)

i hope the body scan relaxation will work - and that you ll come back tellng us whether it s making a difference. But for what it s worth - i dont think anyone would cope well with the levels of stress you ve been living with. i hope you have people around you who listen, and are also appreciative of all you do.

You are going through so much. Throw in ADHD and no wonder you are feeling like this.

I can totally empathise - I was similar a few years ago and the slightest thing, like one of my kids climbing onto me for a cuddle or someone dropping a toy would tip me over the edge. It was like my nervous system was constantly fizzing.

Are you medicated for your ADHD? I take Vyvanse and Sertraline and it has changed my life.

If you're constantly on alert to the phone ringing how about some protected relaxation time when it's off and nothing can interrupt you? A bit like going to the spa for 3 hours but plan it in every week.

I also have ADHD and have 3 children and I've been there with the school stuff and other stressful times although not with my parents yet. I know it sounds cliché but a week's holiday with lots of time in nature has always been a real nervous system reset for me. I guess you would ideally ask someone else to be on call for your parents during that time, or just let them know you will be unavailable as otherwise it's not really a break.

Counselling has really helped me too.

I've heard lots of people say somatic therapy has really helped them. Lots of free videos online.

I rely on exercise daily for regulation (audhd), and l-theanine has been a literal lifesaver for me. It stops so much glutamate the excitatory neurotransmitter being in your brain (adhd problem!) and over time it really helps to restore your nervous system and drop out of constant fight or flight. Even small doses can make me tired so take it in the evenings first. Its gentle, comes from tea (amino acid), isnt addictive or habit forming and also sleep quality really improves. The combo of that and exercise has been amazing for me.

Also agree with the HRT if you need it.

I symparhize OP, i actually just started my own thread because i have panic attacks (or what seems like it) after being wired for so long.

For me it started with my DS struggling with ASD and my DF having a brain injury and needing a lot of care. Once things were stable with both of them my own mental and physical health tanked and I have been extremely stressed to the point of having physical ailments and i feel stuck in a loop of fatigue and other physical manifestations of prolonged stress and i cant seem to break the cycle! I am also ND.

Pp's have given excellent advice already, i think it's all about calming the nervous system but it takes time and effort. My favorite calming activity is swimming and walks in nature.
Maybe in your case you need some outside help (from medication etc) to tide you over.

Good luck OP,! ,🍀

I feel similar from a mixture of perimenopause and Long COVID on top of a stressful few years. In addition to the suggestions above, breathwork can help - box breathing or the 'physiological sigh' or just deliberately slowing your breathing and lengthening the out-breath. Also humming when you breathe out. There's lots of exercises on YouTube.

I've found gentle self massage to the ears and neck really helpful (meant to help the vagus nerve).

Going outside and looking at the sky, trees, horizon - anything but a screen for a while!

Little bits of movement - not necessarily exercising hard if that also feels stressful, but ten minute yoga or even just a dance around the house.

Look into emotional freedom technique

(it involves gentle tapping on acupuncture zones around your hands, face and chest, while gently working through emotions and memories/experiences, and repeating gentle affirmations to yourself while your autonomic nervous system is being calmed by the tapping). It can bring about some immediate relief when you’re upset/stressed and helps work through underlying issues/trauma.

Book yourself a massage once a week.
Play classical music in the car.
Find your local wild parks and gardens. Walk in them every day if you can manage that.

Investigate services, drivers etc. that your DP can utilise so that you are not the only person attending to their needs.

I really feel for you. I hope you do manage to get some respite at some point. Id love a reset time out too.

I would absolutely love to do all those things but I am on Carer's Allowance and simply can't afford things like massages etc, as much as I would love it.

I do listen to Classic FM every day, I practise meditation, walk the dog over fields every day etc, I do all that I can but the day to day stress just gets to me and I have developed this default mode of tensions and anxiety which I find so hard to come down from.

Thank you, I can't afford private therapy atm but I will see if I can find some techniques on YouTube.

I really need to get myself some L theanine, I had read up about it a little while ago and it seems to have a lot of fans, so many on a Reddit group swear by it. I will order some today.

I have trialled a numerous amount of antidepressants and they all exacerbate my gut issues. My adhd assessor prescribed Elvanse but it gave my the most dreadful headaches and I could not sleep a wink, within a week I had a mini breakdown from the insomnia, my GP told me to come off so I weaned myself off and have felt much better off it.

@KiwiGolden

Re: Exercise. Ah, it’s ye olde fucking enraging ADHD bind - ‘I know exercise will make me feel better, but I can’t find the motivation/will/time’. I know it so well! 😆.

I’m going to say something now that may make you want to punch me in the face…but hear me out!

You HAVE to prioritise self-care in your daily life.

There have been times in my life when people have said that sort of thing to me and I honestly wanted to to scream in their face ‘when?! When do I carry out this mythical self care thing you speak of in between a full time job, bringing up kids, looking after parents, dealing with really awful things happening in my life?!’ .

However, life keeps reminding me that I must try. We must try. Especially women at out stage of life, with so much on our plate, and especially those of us with ADHD. Otherwise - truly - we are no good to anyone. We burn out, we get physically ill, we fall into depression and we are no good to anyone.

The way I do it (currently) is that I have a ‘selfish’ hour when I first wake up. I do yoga or weights. I sometimes go out into the garden barefoot and do a bit of t’ai chi (don’t laugh!). I meditate. Sometimes I write stuff down (I’m loathe to call it ‘journaliing’). Sometimes I take longer than an hour if I have the time. It regulates my nervous system and mood. It helps me get clarity and perspective. It gets me in touch with the bigger picture.

Not saying you should do this, but it’s the principle of putting yourself first just for a short time each day and really listening to what you need.

I should add for clarity, I also take an antidepressant and have done for years. I take ADHD meds. I take high dose vitamin D daily. I’m not a total natural hippie 😆

Re: Meds

Elvanse isn’t for everyone, for sure. Lisdexamfetamine is a very powerful drug. It can massively fuck with sleep and appetite. I’m lucky it works well for me currently, but I’m not convinced meds are the answer for all ADHD-ers.

On another note, I second bringing more of the sensory, sensual stuff into your life - massage, hot tubs, swimming, nature. It can be subtly but powerfully healing if you’re overwhelmed and can’t regulate.

Im so glad you will try it, i like it because it gets to the source - glutamate over production. Its life changing for me!

You might find you are v sensitive to it like me if you have adhd and are already running on fumes of a dysregulated nervous system so it might make you v tired in which case literally 25mg-50mg doses are the way to go when you begin! Neurotypical ppl taking it usually just feel a little calmer with a regular 200mg dose though!